Tonight’s movie, Agency of Vengeance: Dark Rising, aka how many colons can we use in the title?, appears to have
stolen borrowed from every sci fi movie subgenre possible. There’s tropes galore! We plan to make a drinking game out of it. Check back for the tropes we identify.
To recap what we learned from watching the trailer: Our male protagonist is haunted by the death of his former love, who died during a scary story MP told around the campfire because his marshmallow roasting stick was a poor match for whatever monster crushed his ladyfriend’s head. Also, he had poison ivy at the time, so that sucked. (Before that, they starred in a music video together. She was a sexy librarian, he loved the band Gwar. You know, the usual.)
Anyway, Michael Ironside (aka Jester, from Top Gun) thinks Matlock is involved, and a giant stink bug followed him into this movie from Starship Troopers. A chubby guy with contacts from the Marilyn Manson collection, a face tattoo, and horns, tells our male protagonist (who looks and sounds like he could be Josh Brolin’s younger, dumber brother), that he should avoid Summer at all costs. Chubby guy = comic relief, like female protagonist (Summer) = eye candy. Summer can only afford lingerie, poor dear, so she has to run around fighting bad guys in the least comfortable outfit we could imagine. Sexy Librarian comes back in a head cage a là Rachel McAdams’s character in Mean Girls, and there’s an electrically charged Jeep, and Christina Aguilera makes an appearance, and a wedding gets interrupted, and Sexy Librarian does an impression of Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body, and then someone releases the Kraken, and Summer and Sexy Librarian do an impression of Luke fighting the Emperor, and we can’t imagine why you wouldn’t watch this movie with us.
Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find yourself a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Agency of Vengeance: Dark Rising on Netflix, and pull up the liveblog starting at 9pm CDT.
Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-blog at a time.
Although we found a cocktail called Lady Vengeance, it had kimchi juice in it, which didn’t sound appealing, and it was too close to the Bloody Marys we just had (basically a rye Bloody), and Wapatuli aka trashcan punch, while fitting for the “let’s just throw everything we have into this” mindset apparent from the trailer, would not be conducive to being a productive member of society tomorrow. So we went with an old favorite, in honor of spring storms/April showers, and the overall mood of the trailer:
The Dark and Stormy
4 oz ginger beer (not ale)
2 oz dark rum (not light)
Fill an old-fashioned glass with ice. Pour ginger beer over rum, add a splash of lime juice and garnish with a lime wedge.