Tonight’s movie, Agency of Vengeance: Dark Rising, aka how many colons can we use in the title?, appears to have stolen borrowed from every sci fi movie subgenre possible. There’s tropes galore! We plan to make a drinking game out of it. Check back for the tropes we identify.
To recap what we learned from watching the trailer: Our male protagonist is haunted by the death of his former love, who died during a scary story MP told around the campfire because his marshmallow roasting stick was a poor match for whatever monster crushed his ladyfriend’s head. Also, he had poison ivy at the time, so that sucked. (Before that, they starred in a music video together. She was a sexy librarian, he loved the band Gwar. You know, the usual.)
Anyway, Michael Ironside (aka Jester, from Top Gun) thinks Matlock is involved, and a giant stink bug followed him into this movie from Starship Troopers. A chubby guy with contacts from the Marilyn Manson collection, a face tattoo, and horns, tells our male protagonist (who looks and sounds like he could be Josh Brolin’s younger, dumber brother), that he should avoid Summer at all costs. Chubby guy = comic relief, like female protagonist (Summer) = eye candy. Summer can only afford lingerie, poor dear, so she has to run around fighting bad guys in the least comfortable outfit we could imagine. Sexy Librarian comes back in a head cage a là Rachel McAdams’s character in Mean Girls, and there’s an electrically charged Jeep, and Christina Aguilera makes an appearance, and a wedding gets interrupted, and Sexy Librarian does an impression of Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body, and then someone releases the Kraken, and Summer and Sexy Librarian do an impression of Luke fighting the Emperor, and we can’t imagine why you wouldn’t watch this movie with us.
Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find yourself a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Agency of Vengeance: Dark Rising on Netflix, and pull up the liveblog starting at 9pm CDT.
Jump right down to the liveblog.
Tonight’s Movie
Tonight’s Bloggers
Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-blog at a time.
Tonight’s Cocktail
Although we found a cocktail called Lady Vengeance, it had kimchi juice in it, which didn’t sound appealing, and it was too close to the Bloody Marys we just had (basically a rye Bloody), and Wapatuli aka trashcan punch, while fitting for the “let’s just throw everything we have into this” mindset apparent from the trailer, would not be conducive to being a productive member of society tomorrow. So we went with an old favorite, in honor of spring storms/April showers, and the overall mood of the trailer:
The Dark and Stormy
4 oz ginger beer (not ale)
2 oz dark rum (not light)
lime juice
Fill an old-fashioned glass with ice. Pour ginger beer over rum, add a splash of lime juice and garnish with a lime wedge.
Tonight’s Liveblog
I don’t even have a T-shirt tonight. Just a tank top over a Wonderbra. You know, like Summer.
No, I will not post a photo of that.
Okay everyone, ready?
Push play…now!
The opening credits have the feel of a 90s superhero movie… and then the Mighty Ducks come in…
I can’t wait to meet the redneck demon from the trailer. That guy looks amazing.
Me too! He’s going to be great.
And now we’ve got Tremors.
So far we’ve got Tremors + Portal plus a Minority-Report-style heads-up display on a Jeep. And an 80s laptop.
First trope: regular people have no idea what’s going on/mysterious agency watching out for our wellbeing by tracking danger. See also: Twister, Men in Black, any movie involving superheroes.
Not Regular regular people. Summer is a half-demon super soldier just trying to get married.
I was talking about the kids/other people in the neighborhood.
And the would-be groom is down! Good start.
Sand-demon, stolen from Beetlejuice? Or mis-pronounciation from Bill and Ted?
Summer is pissed.
Thank goodness she had her weapon on her garter! I wonder if that’s her something old?
Um, everyone knows sandworms are from Dune. Shai Hulud, wedding crasher!
Those are weird boots she’s wearing.
Did you believe the emotion behind what Summer and other dude said to each other? Because it could not have been more monotone.
Seriously, she’s wearing go-go boots with her wedding dress. Fashion faux pas.
Trope: Couple about to get married when something interrupts it. See also: The Graduate, Wedding Crashers, The Wedding Singer, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Runaway Bride…
“Rule number one, Evans: it’s always about Summer.”
Go-go boots. See also: Zeta One, Austin Powers, Barbarella…
I feel sorry for the woman who is not Summer in this movie.
“Something is brewing.”
Do you think it’s ginger beer?
Hey, it’s the teacher from Starship Troopers!
12:54: Summer shows up to class still in her tattered wedding dress. Tells everyone she’s fine. No one is convinced.
Do you think he’s pissed that he has to work with these terrible actors, when he previously worked with Gary Busey’s son?
New rule: we watch all movies featuring a Mr./Ms. X.
“The Book of Shadows never arrived.”
New rule 2: we watch all movies featuring a “Thing of Shadows.”
New rule 3: We drink every time Jason Parks talks about Summer.
16:30: The appearance of the demon guy!
The timing is all off in this movie. Every line takes just a beat too long before the actor delivers it.
Yes, the only one I believe/can enjoy watching is the demon guy.
Bulo!
“You can suck my left ass ball. That’s right, kid, I got ass balls. Look it up!”
Best line in a movie ever.
18:06: gratuitious/out of nowhere girl-girl kiss.
I love how he delivered it, too.
19:00: Best lines by Bulo.
Bulo is the best. It’s like he’s making fun of the other actors for being bad actors in a dumb movie.
I think he knows it, too.
Jason Parks reminds me of a guy I worked with who needed everyone to repeat everything. And he still didn’t believe anyone.
New rule 4: We watch a movie called “Death by Karaoke.”
“When did I become such a loser?”
“It was a Tuesday.”
“Felt like a Monday.”
Okay, there are actually some pretty hilarious lines in this movie.
24:30: First push-up bra sighting.
Ow.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because, baby, I’m the bad guy.”
And now it’s turned rape-y. Is it just me or does the 90s pop-ish music not fit there?
Mardoch apparently impaled his closest friends on spikes, granting them immortality. Yikes! With friends like that…
Jason Parks kind of looks like Josh Brolin in the Goonies.
Fighting in lingerie looks difficult. And probably uncomfortable.
That’s what I thought. I called him Josh Brolin’s younger, dumber brother.
Definitely uncomfortable. There’s a reason people don’t wear it for very long.
Well, a few reasons. But comfort is up there.
These guys don’t seem very concerned that Summer is gone.
I want video game fighting gloves.
I want that guy’s helmet.
Aw man, my flat screens!
I have no idea who that guy is. He was just standing in the background looking like a doof.
And yet, he’s doing a better job of acting than Jason Parks.
I mean, Michael Ironside allowed himself to be killed off (yeah, right, like he didn’t see that attack coming) just to get away from the acting.
Summer v. Holly. Of course, they’re both in their underwear.
But, hey, this movie passed the Bechdel test! So at least there’s that.
I find it ironic — and sort of amusing, if I’m honest — that the movies we’ve watched that have most clearly passed the Bechdel test are also full of T&A.
Ironic but sad.
“No I wasn’t dead, I was left for dead.”
This flashback has some amazing special effects.
I’m sorry, you’re fighting a demon and you pause to kiss a girl on the cheek? Doubtful.
I love Renee. I want her to make a movie with Bulo.
Summer yawning while Renee monologues. So good.
Seriously, though. You should never move someone with a head or neck injury. Use a backboard. #FormerLifeguard
Don’t skip down, Bulo! We need you in this movie!
Are Summer and Renee the same actress? I honestly can’t tell.
I wondered that, too. Maybe they are and the way we’re supposed to tell is contacts/no contacts.
The costume designer has no concept of what women actually wear. No one walks around in high boots, garters, corsets, chokers, and push-up bras.
IMDB says no. Brigitte Kingsley plays Summer and Julia Schneider plays Renee.
The costume designer has an excellent concept of what many men wish women would wear.
Hadouken!
True. Now if only s/he applied the same thinking to what many women wish men would wear.
Hadouken!
Wait, what do many women wish men would wear?
Second time a woman has been carried away by a man: drink twice.
And IDK (what women want men to wear): a tux? Dishwashing gloves? A baby Bjorn? Nothing? You’d get a different answer depending on who you ask. But I can tell you a bluetooth and shapeless black turtleneck aren’t on the list.
In fairness, the women in this movie are like a billion times stronger than the men.
So they should be carrying the men. Just like Bulo is carrying the acting. Boom!
Why is it in movies when someone beats the hero(ine) up, all s/he ends up with is a butterfly bandage and a hairline scar?
Boom? I think you meant HADOUKEN!
You’re right. I did mean HADOUKEN! Thank you for reading my mind.
I love that the henchman’s name is Kyle.
He reminds me of the Bic pen guy for some reason.
Agency of Vengeance: A story about two stupid people falling in love. And fighting dark forces. But mostly just being stupid.
Gratuitous shot of Summer changing.
“You’re always so concerned about me, I’ve always liked that about you. That and your chin. I’ve always liked your chin.”
If only I could write gold like that.
When did she get time to put a braid in her hair?
The actor who plays Bulo’s name in this is Nug Nahrgang.
She had the braid before she was taken. Or maybe in captivity. It can be very soothing.
I’d only like Bulo better if his real name was Nug Narwhal.
I think it’s important to point out that last year Sci Fi picked this up and turned it into a TV series.
Talking about a plan around a three-dimensional map. See also: Star Wars
“An eternity of torment…suffering an endless death.” See also: Return of the Jedi
I hope Sci Fi didn’t pick up these actors. Except Bulo. And maybe Renee.
And now there’s zombies? See also: The Walking Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Warm Bodies, World War Z…
Let’s say you’re the sort of actor who winds up in a film like this. What are the chances you don’t jump at a chance to be in a film based on your bad movie?
And giant bugs? See also: Men in Black, Starship Troopers, The Giant Spider, Eight-legged Freaks.
You mean TV show? I don’t know if it’s your choice. I think you do jump at the chance. I just don’t think you get chosen.
How does everyone know Summer’s not at full strength? Does she have some kind of life-bar on her back?
When did she change into a black tank top?
I don’t know, I think the screenwriter should get a friggin’ Oscar.
Oh no, it’s Kyle!
Ugh. DILF. Really?
Return of the gamer gloves!
My inner college freshman thinks DILF is pretty funny.
Okay, the screenwriter must be okay because Bulo’s lines are great. But it’s also his delivery.
Hadouken!
Jason is such a wuss. “It’s over.”
Apparently this is a sequel, by the way.
That makes sense. I feel like we came into the story (at the beginning) in the middle.
Huh, Kyle is the writer and director.
Floating ghosts/evil spirits. See also: Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Jason has some seriously white teeth.
Let’s hope Bulo saves the day.
Jason’s look done by the make-up artist from the “Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder” Twilight Zone episode.
Well, you always need someone to keep the bad guy talking to the buxom heroine can chop his head off. Nice work, Bulo.
When someone’s dying, it really helps to yell at them to live. CPR optional.
I’ve learned from kung-fu movies that demons can’t breathe, so CPR is pretty much out.
Bulo is the voice of the audience.
You’re totally right.
Someone told Summer that being electrocuted is like having an orgasm.
Literally nobody believes that she would fall for that guy. Seriously.
He seems to believe it.
I mean, the screenwriter obviously thought so.
Now if they tried to convince me that she fell for Bulo, I’d say no.
Of course he does. That’s the kind of guy who thinks he deserves everything he gets, chance or not.
Christina Aguilera!
Is the male vampire/henchman Gary Busey’s son?
He sure looks like it.
Oh, of course, the fireball/Hadouken only burned off Summer’s dress. Because realistic.
The actresses were cast on their measurements.
Um, what? That was such a non-ending.
His name is Landy? What kind of name is Landy?
I think it’s short for Landon.
Whatever. I give it 4 stars. The writing was hilarious. Bulo rocked. And HADOUKEN!
That was the definition of good-bad right there.
Ugh, I want to give this 0 stars because of the costuming, but I agree that it’s the definition of good-bad. And it passed the Bechdel test pretty handily. And Bulo! So 3 from me.
Solid 3.5. Not bad.
Sweet. See you all next week!
Yes, tune in next week, when we’ll be watching Gigli! Get. Excited.
Oh god.
It’ll be great!
OMG are you guys excited for how
awfulawesome this is going to be??I can hardly contain myself.