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Cinéma Atroce: Agency of Vengeance: Dark Rising

  The Bomb Squad /   April 14, 2015 /   Critic, Live Blog /   1 Comment

Tonight’s movie, Agency of Vengeance: Dark Rising, aka how many colons can we use in the title?, appears to have stolen borrowed from every sci fi movie subgenre possible. There’s tropes galore! We plan to make a drinking game out of it. Check back for the tropes we identify.

To recap what we learned from watching the trailer: Our male protagonist is haunted by the death of his former love, who died during a scary story MP told around the campfire because his marshmallow roasting stick was a poor match for whatever monster crushed his ladyfriend’s head. Also, he had poison ivy at the time, so that sucked. (Before that, they starred in a music video together. She was a sexy librarian, he loved the band Gwar. You know, the usual.)

Anyway, Michael Ironside (aka Jester, from Top Gun) thinks Matlock is involved, and a giant stink bug followed him into this movie from Starship Troopers. A chubby guy with contacts from the Marilyn Manson collection, a face tattoo, and horns, tells our male protagonist (who looks and sounds like he could be Josh Brolin’s younger, dumber brother), that he should avoid Summer at all costs. Chubby guy = comic relief, like female protagonist (Summer) = eye candy. Summer can only afford lingerie, poor dear, so she has to run around fighting bad guys in the least comfortable outfit we could imagine. Sexy Librarian comes back in a head cage a là Rachel McAdams’s character in Mean Girls, and there’s an electrically charged Jeep, and Christina Aguilera makes an appearance, and a wedding gets interrupted, and Sexy Librarian does an impression of Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body, and then someone releases the Kraken, and Summer and Sexy Librarian do an impression of Luke fighting the Emperor, and we can’t imagine why you wouldn’t watch this movie with us.

Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find yourself a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Agency of Vengeance: Dark Rising on Netflix, and pull up the liveblog starting at 9pm CDT.

Jump right down to the liveblog.

Tonight’s Movie

Tonight’s Bloggers

Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-blog at a time.

Tonight’s Cocktail

Although we found a cocktail called Lady Vengeance, it had kimchi juice in it, which didn’t sound appealing, and it was too close to the Bloody Marys we just had (basically a rye Bloody), and Wapatuli aka trashcan punch, while fitting for the “let’s just throw everything we have into this” mindset apparent from the trailer, would not be conducive to being a productive member of society tomorrow. So we went with an old favorite, in honor of spring storms/April showers, and the overall mood of the trailer:

The Dark and Stormy

4 oz ginger beer (not ale)

2 oz dark rum (not light)

lime juice

Fill an old-fashioned glass with ice. Pour ginger beer over rum, add a splash of lime juice and garnish with a lime wedge.

Tonight’s Liveblog

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20158:53 pm

OMG are you guys excited for how awful awesome this is going to be??

I can hardly contain myself.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20158:55 pm

I don’t even have a T-shirt tonight. Just a tank top over a Wonderbra. You know, like Summer.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20158:56 pm

No, I will not post a photo of that.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:01 pm

Okay everyone, ready?

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:01 pm

Push play…now!

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:02 pm

The opening credits have the feel of a 90s superhero movie… and then the Mighty Ducks come in…

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:02 pm

I can’t wait to meet the redneck demon from the trailer. That guy looks amazing.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:03 pm

Me too! He’s going to be great.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:03 pm

And now we’ve got Tremors.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:04 pm

So far we’ve got Tremors + Portal plus a Minority-Report-style heads-up display on a Jeep. And an 80s laptop.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:04 pm

First trope: regular people have no idea what’s going on/mysterious agency watching out for our wellbeing by tracking danger. See also: Twister, Men in Black, any movie involving superheroes.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:06 pm

Not Regular regular people. Summer is a half-demon super soldier just trying to get married.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:06 pm

I was talking about the kids/other people in the neighborhood.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:07 pm

And the would-be groom is down! Good start.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:07 pm

Sand-demon, stolen from Beetlejuice? Or mis-pronounciation from Bill and Ted?

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:07 pm

Summer is pissed.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:07 pm

Thank goodness she had her weapon on her garter! I wonder if that’s her something old?

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:08 pm

Um, everyone knows sandworms are from Dune. Shai Hulud, wedding crasher!

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:08 pm

Those are weird boots she’s wearing.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:09 pm

Did you believe the emotion behind what Summer and other dude said to each other? Because it could not have been more monotone.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:11 pm

Seriously, she’s wearing go-go boots with her wedding dress. Fashion faux pas.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:11 pm

Trope: Couple about to get married when something interrupts it. See also: The Graduate, Wedding Crashers, The Wedding Singer, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Runaway Bride…

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:12 pm

“Rule number one, Evans: it’s always about Summer.”

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:12 pm

Go-go boots. See also: Zeta One, Austin Powers, Barbarella…

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:12 pm

I feel sorry for the woman who is not Summer in this movie.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:13 pm

“Something is brewing.” 
Do you think it’s ginger beer?

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:14 pm

Hey, it’s the teacher from Starship Troopers!

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:14 pm

12:54: Summer shows up to class still in her tattered wedding dress. Tells everyone she’s fine. No one is convinced.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:15 pm

Do you think he’s pissed that he has to work with these terrible actors, when he previously worked with Gary Busey’s son?

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:15 pm

New rule: we watch all movies featuring a Mr./Ms. X.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:16 pm

“The Book of Shadows never arrived.”

“Did you order it from Amazon?”

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:16 pm

New rule 2: we watch all movies featuring a “Thing of Shadows.”

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:17 pm

New rule 3: We drink every time Jason Parks talks about Summer.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:18 pm

16:30: The appearance of the demon guy!

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:18 pm

The timing is all off in this movie. Every line takes just a beat too long before the actor delivers it.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:18 pm

Yes, the only one I believe/can enjoy watching is the demon guy.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:18 pm

Bulo!

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:19 pm

“You can suck my left ass ball. That’s right, kid, I got ass balls. Look it up!”

Best line in a movie ever.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:19 pm

18:06: gratuitious/out of nowhere girl-girl kiss. 

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:19 pm

I love how he delivered it, too.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:21 pm

19:00: Best lines by Bulo. 

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:21 pm

Bulo is the best. It’s like he’s making fun of the other actors for being bad actors in a dumb movie.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:22 pm

I think he knows it, too.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:22 pm

Jason Parks reminds me of a guy I worked with who needed everyone to repeat everything. And he still didn’t believe anyone.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:22 pm

New rule 4: We watch a movie called “Death by Karaoke.”

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:23 pm

“When did I become such a loser?”

“It was a Tuesday.”

“Felt like a Monday.”

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:23 pm

Okay, there are actually some pretty hilarious lines in this movie.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:25 pm

24:30: First push-up bra sighting.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:27 pm

Ow.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:27 pm

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because, baby, I’m the bad guy.”

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:27 pm

And now it’s turned rape-y. Is it just me or does the 90s pop-ish music not fit there?

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:28 pm

Mardoch apparently impaled his closest friends on spikes, granting them immortality. Yikes! With friends like that…

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:31 pm

Jason Parks kind of looks like Josh Brolin in the Goonies.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:32 pm

Fighting in lingerie looks difficult. And probably uncomfortable.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:32 pm

That’s what I thought. I called him Josh Brolin’s younger, dumber brother.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:33 pm

Definitely uncomfortable. There’s a reason people don’t wear it for very long.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:33 pm

Well, a few reasons. But comfort is up there.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:34 pm

These guys don’t seem very concerned that Summer is gone.

“She’s gone.”
“Meh.”

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:35 pm

I want video game fighting gloves.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:35 pm

I want that guy’s helmet.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:35 pm

Aw man, my flat screens!

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:36 pm

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:37 pm

I have no idea who that guy is. He was just standing in the background looking like a doof.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:38 pm

And yet, he’s doing a better job of acting than Jason Parks.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:38 pm

I mean, Michael Ironside allowed himself to be killed off (yeah, right, like he didn’t see that attack coming) just to get away from the acting.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:39 pm

Summer v. Holly. Of course, they’re both in their underwear.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:40 pm

But, hey, this movie passed the Bechdel test! So at least there’s that.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:41 pm

I find it ironic — and sort of amusing, if I’m honest — that the movies we’ve watched that have most clearly passed the Bechdel test are also full of T&A.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:41 pm

Ironic but sad. 

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:42 pm

“No I wasn’t dead, I was left for dead.”

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:42 pm

This flashback has some amazing special effects.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:42 pm

I’m sorry, you’re fighting a demon and you pause to kiss a girl on the cheek? Doubtful.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:43 pm

I love Renee. I want her to make a movie with Bulo.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:44 pm

Summer yawning while Renee monologues. So good.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:44 pm

Seriously, though. You should never move someone with a head or neck injury. Use a backboard. #FormerLifeguard

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:44 pm

Don’t skip down, Bulo! We need you in this movie!

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:46 pm

Are Summer and Renee the same actress? I honestly can’t tell.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:46 pm

I wondered that, too. Maybe they are and the way we’re supposed to tell is contacts/no contacts. 

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:47 pm

The costume designer has no concept of what women actually wear. No one walks around in high boots, garters, corsets, chokers, and push-up bras. 

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:48 pm

IMDB says no. Brigitte Kingsley plays Summer and Julia Schneider plays Renee.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:48 pm

The costume designer has an excellent concept of what many men wish women would wear.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:49 pm

Hadouken!

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:49 pm

True. Now if only s/he applied the same thinking to what many women wish men would wear.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:49 pm

Hadouken!

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:51 pm

Wait, what do many women wish men would wear?

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:51 pm

Second time a woman has been carried away by a man: drink twice.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:52 pm

And IDK (what women want men to wear): a tux? Dishwashing gloves? A baby Bjorn? Nothing? You’d get a different answer depending on who you ask. But I can tell you a bluetooth and shapeless black turtleneck aren’t on the list. 

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:53 pm

In fairness, the women in this movie are like a billion times stronger than the men.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:53 pm

So they should be carrying the men. Just like Bulo is carrying the acting. Boom!

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:55 pm

Why is it in movies when someone beats the hero(ine) up, all s/he ends up with is a butterfly bandage and a hairline scar?

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:55 pm

Boom? I think you meant HADOUKEN!

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:55 pm

You’re right. I did mean HADOUKEN! Thank you for reading my mind.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 20159:58 pm

I love that the henchman’s name is Kyle.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 20159:59 pm

He reminds me of the Bic pen guy for some reason.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:00 pm

Agency of Vengeance: A story about two stupid people falling in love. And fighting dark forces. But mostly just being stupid.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:02 pm

Gratuitous shot of Summer changing. 

Also, no one would wear a pretty sheer white tank top with no bra. Especially someone as…um…endowed as Summer.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:02 pm

“You’re always so concerned about me, I’ve always liked that about you. That and your chin. I’ve always liked your chin.”

If only I could write gold like that.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:03 pm

When did she get time to put a braid in her hair?

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:03 pm

The actor who plays Bulo’s name in this is Nug Nahrgang.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:04 pm

She had the braid before she was taken. Or maybe in captivity. It can be very soothing.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:05 pm

I’d only like Bulo better if his real name was Nug Narwhal.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:05 pm

I think it’s important to point out that last year Sci Fi picked this up and turned it into a TV series.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:06 pm

Talking about a plan around a three-dimensional map. See also: Star Wars

“An eternity of torment…suffering an endless death.” See also: Return of the Jedi

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:07 pm

I hope Sci Fi didn’t pick up these actors. Except Bulo. And maybe Renee.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:08 pm

And now there’s zombies? See also: The Walking Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Warm Bodies, World War Z…

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:08 pm

Let’s say you’re the sort of actor who winds up in a film like this. What are the chances you don’t jump at a chance to be in a film based on your bad movie?

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:09 pm

And giant bugs? See also: Men in Black, Starship Troopers, The Giant Spider, Eight-legged Freaks.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:09 pm

You mean TV show? I don’t know if it’s your choice. I think you do jump at the chance. I just don’t think you get chosen.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:10 pm

How does everyone know Summer’s not at full strength? Does she have some kind of life-bar on her back? 

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:11 pm

When did she change into a black tank top?

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:11 pm

I don’t know, I think the screenwriter should get a friggin’ Oscar.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:11 pm

Oh no, it’s Kyle!

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:13 pm

Ugh. DILF. Really? 

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:13 pm

Return of the gamer gloves!

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:13 pm

My inner college freshman thinks DILF is pretty funny.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:14 pm

Okay, the screenwriter must be okay because Bulo’s lines are great. But it’s also his delivery.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:14 pm

Hadouken!

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:17 pm

Jason is such a wuss. “It’s over.” 

Summer: “It’s never over.”

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:17 pm

Apparently this is a sequel, by the way.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:18 pm

That makes sense. I feel like we came into the story (at the beginning) in the middle. 

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:18 pm

Huh, Kyle is the writer and director.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:19 pm

Floating ghosts/evil spirits. See also: Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:20 pm

Jason has some seriously white teeth.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:21 pm

Let’s hope Bulo saves the day.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:21 pm

Jason’s look done by the make-up artist from the “Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder” Twilight Zone episode.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:22 pm

Well, you always need someone to keep the bad guy talking to the buxom heroine can chop his head off. Nice work, Bulo.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:23 pm

When someone’s dying, it really helps to yell at them to live. CPR optional.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:23 pm

I’ve learned from kung-fu movies that demons can’t breathe, so CPR is pretty much out.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:23 pm

Bulo is the voice of the audience. 

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:24 pm

You’re totally right.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:25 pm

Someone told Summer that being electrocuted is like having an orgasm. 

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:26 pm

Literally nobody believes that she would fall for that guy. Seriously.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:26 pm

He seems to believe it. 

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:27 pm

I mean, the screenwriter obviously thought so.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:27 pm

Now if they tried to convince me that she fell for Bulo, I’d say no.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:27 pm

Of course he does. That’s the kind of guy who thinks he deserves everything he gets, chance or not.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:28 pm

Christina Aguilera!

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:29 pm

Is the male vampire/henchman Gary Busey’s son? 

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:29 pm

He sure looks like it.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:29 pm

Oh, of course, the fireball/Hadouken only burned off Summer’s dress. Because realistic.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:30 pm

The actresses were cast on their measurements. 

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:30 pm

Um, what? That was such a non-ending. 

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:30 pm

His name is Landy? What kind of name is Landy?

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:31 pm

I think it’s short for Landon.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:31 pm

Whatever. I give it 4 stars. The writing was hilarious. Bulo rocked. And HADOUKEN!

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:31 pm

That was the definition of good-bad right there.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:32 pm

Ugh, I want to give this 0 stars because of the costuming, but I agree that it’s the definition of good-bad. And it passed the Bechdel test pretty handily. And Bulo! So 3 from me. 

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:33 pm

Solid 3.5. Not bad.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:33 pm

Sweet. See you all next week!

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:34 pm

Yes, tune in next week, when we’ll be watching Gigli! Get. Excited.

Bomb Voyage April 14, 201510:35 pm

Oh god.

The Bomb Squad April 14, 201510:36 pm

It’ll be great!

Filed Under: Critic, Live Blog Tagged With: Agency of Vengeance: Dark Rising, Cinéma Atroce, The Bomb Squad

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