After last week’s movie, we felt like we needed a shower. And after a good scrubbing, we decided to go back to a tried-and-true good-bad movie genre: the blockbuster monster movie. Summer is rife with them: Jurassic World? Avengers: Age of Ultron? Sharknado 3? Speaking of Sharknado, we have some exciting things planned for Shark
Week Month (July), so keep checking back for more on that.
That shower reminded us of the creepy shower scene in Arachnophobia, which, sadly, is no longer streaming on Netflix. Remember John Goodman’s character? So good. Well, Big Ass Spider! casts the comic relief exterminator as the hero in the classic Monster-takes-Manhattan (Malibu?) plot. Just watch the trailer. This week’s movie is poorly punctuated–is it a spider with a big butt or a giant anal-dwelling spider? (Ew.) Or is it, as we believe they meant, just a big-ass spider? We’ll find out. And we’ve changed it up so it’s a chat, so please join in the commentary!
Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Big Ass Spider! on Netflix, and pull up the livechat starting at 9pm CDT.
Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-blog at a time.
The only recipe we could find was for a cocktail called White Spider and the spider in this movie is black, so since we’re opposed to whitewashing in Hollywood, we made our own cocktail tonight!
Working title: The Bite of the Black Widow
Bomb Voyage: Ready!
Bomberella: Ready here, too.
Bomb Voyage: I am sitting here with my Old Fashioned Spider cocktail and a bowl of Cheetos that I am eating with chopsticks (which, if I do say so myself, is brilliant), and I can't wait to see a BIG ASS-SPIDER terrorize a city!
Bomb Voyage: Or is it a Big-Ass Spider? I guess we'll just have to find out.
Bomberella: Ben's with me, but he forgot his iPad so I'll be adding in his commentary and attributing it (if it's not as good)
Bomb Voyage: Also I didn't make up the chopsticks thing so I can't claim credit for it.
Bomb Voyage: But this guy's not getting yellow powder on his keyboard tonight!
Bomberella: I tried to post a photo of the cocktail so I could show you the hourglass figure with the cherries but I couldn't figure it out.
Bomberella: Okay, chopsticks and cheetos, nice!
Bomberella: Okay, everyone…push PLAY!
Bomb Voyage: Imgur works great for photos. Upload them and paste the URL here.
Bomberella: Oh, Wittgenstein entertainment. Ben says the theorist would love to have his name attached to it.
Bomberella: And I don't have an imgur account. So…
Bomb Voyage: You don't need an account. It's free.
Bomberella: Love the classical "Where is My Mind?" playing.
Bomberella: Ben says this is a beautiful opening. I'd have to agree.
Bomb Voyage: Although since we already know it's a comedy, it's a little jarring.
Bomb Voyage: I'm not a huge fan of flashbacks, but I'm guessing that's what we're about to get.
Bomberella: I'm not necessarily either, but that was pretty sweet.
Bomb Voyage: Ooh, starts with a King Kong reference. I'm guessing we're going to get lots of references in this. Let's try to call them.
Bomb Voyage: Isn't that Happy Gilmore's grandma?
Bomberella: And Magda from There's Something About Mary
Bomberella: Also I figured out imgur. Or you told me about it. Thanks, Bomb Voyage!
Bomberella: Is that Nurse Hair?
Bomb Voyage: Painful pickup dialog.
Bomb Voyage: I always feel more awkward than the characters, I think.
Bomberella: Why is it pronounced Brown Rec-luse? Instead of how we describe shut-ins?
Bomb Voyage: I think he's saying it wrong, actually.
Bomberella: I feel that way, too. I think it's because we've all been there.
Bomberella: Don't open the body bag!
Bomberella: Wait, how is the spider affecting the electricity?
Bomb Voyage: Totally jumped.
Bomb Voyage: I always wonder if I would open the bag/door/whatever. I probably would.
Bomb Voyage: Because outside of a horror movie, what are the chances it's actually a killer spider?
Bomberella: I wouldn't. I would run screaming into the other room and come back with a bat and some back-up.
Bomberella: So is this a fast-growing spider? Like Jack?
Bomb Voyage: I mean, if I were in a horror movie I would definitely not open anything. I would crawl into a cabinet with a large knife.
Bomberella: What if it's a spider monkey?
Bomb Voyage: But in normal life, I would probably just check it out.
Bomberella: He just stole the Hannibal Lector slurp.
Bomb Voyage: "I become a spider."
Bomb Voyage: I don't think I can make that sound.
Bomberella: I just made that noise and Ben told me to never do it again.
Bomb Voyage: Glad I'm not at your place this evening.
Bomberella: This is an alternative to the Spider-Man origin story.
Bomb Voyage: Eew.
Bomberella: And thanks. You're disinvited.
Bomberella: Ben just said, "Greg Grunberg is too good for this movie." I do love him. He's a great actor.
Bomb Voyage: I love the security guard.
Bomberella: The security guard is also great. Ben keeps saying 'Just don't make that noise again. Please don't."
Bomb Voyage: I'm pretty concerned he's going to keep making that sound throughout this movie.
Bomb Voyage: "Look at this."
"No, describe it, I'm not going to look."
Bomb Voyage: Haha.
Bomberella: "Maybe it's a spider monkey" Who called it? This gal.
Bomb Voyage: Wait, you didn't see that in the trailer or something? Nicely done.
Bomberella: He's making that noise again!
Bomberella: "And it's eco-friendly." Awesome.
Bomb Voyage: I'm watching this movie with headphones on and that sound is making my skin crawl.
Bomberella: Hahaha, that's awesome. Is that because of Bad Johnson? That you didn't want to have your children accidentally hear?
Bomb Voyage: "I don't even like lady bugs."
Bomberella: What do you have against lady bugs?
Bomberella: I love that Ray Wise is in this. He's amazing.
Bomberella: Major Braxton C. Tanner.
Bomb Voyage: No, I've been banished to the basement tonight. And I was all "hey, I'll use headphones so this epic movie will sound awesome." Then he makes that icky noise.
Bomberella: Why are spiders always discovered in dead bodies?
Bomberella: Poor coma guy!
Bomb Voyage: Wait, spiders are always discovered in dead bodies?
Bomb Voyage: I'm never going to a wake again.
Bomberella: Ben keeps saying Please be Greg, Please be Greg!
Bomberella: That's where the spider from Arachnophobia hitched a ride. In the coffin.
Bomb Voyage: Probably because spiders are assholes.
Bomberella: This is horrifiying
Bomb Voyage: I am so not going to be able to sleep tonight.
Bomberella: I watched through my shirt.
Bomberella: Which is not a related T-shirt. Someone needs to send me a Spider-Man T-shirt
Bomb Voyage: I'm actually watching this on an iPad mini, so my screen is even smaller than yours tonight. Which I'm actually kind of grateful for since the spider is so goddamn icky.
Bomb Voyage: Until the other day, flying ants were dropping randomly onto my desk, too. I bug-sprayed the hell out of them, though, so thankfully I don't have that happening while watching that movie.
Bomb Voyage: Because I would freak out.
Bomb Voyage: I swear the lights in my house just dimmed at the same time that scary sound happened.
Bomb Voyage: God I hate scary movies.
Bomb Voyage: When does the comedy start?
Bomberella: That sounds freaky.
Bomb Voyage: Did Scary Movie start the scary-comedy thing?
Bomberella: The weather is adding to the effects. It's windy and dark skies over here.
Bomb Voyage: That looks like a cobweb, not a spiderweb.
Bomb Voyage: Not a fresh spiderweb, anyway.
Bomb Voyage: Wait, seriously, how does the spider make electricity not work?
Bomberella: This spider is really prolific.
Bomberella: It's radioactive. Duh.
Bomb Voyage: Does radioactivity make electricity not work?
Bomberella: I have no idea. Do you think they worry about staying true to science?
Bomb Voyage: No. No I don't.
Bomberella: I love that Patrick Bauchau is in this. He has such a sage presence.
Bomb Voyage: Hey, this iPad thing is awesome. I can go get cocktails without stopping the movie!
Bomberella: You made fun of me.
Bomb Voyage: He says "quadruple" weird.
Bomberella: He does.
Bomberella: He's from Belgium
Bomb Voyage: I'm going to say it that way from now on. Quádruple.
Bomberella: I'd want to be called "buddy" by Greg Grunberg.
Bomb Voyage: Wouldn't we all …
Bomberella: That's my quarter, bring me back my quarter!
Bomberella: "I asked for my quarter and you gave me no quarter."
Bomberella: Why is she shooting?
Bomberella: "I'm a professional."
Bomb Voyage: Ooh, I think I figured it out. He's going to hook up with the hot soldier lady.
Bomberella: IDK, I kind of hope not.
Bomb Voyage: Bechdel update: nothing yet.
Bomberella: I don't mind romances or rom-coms (we need a list of good-bad ones, BTW) but I also appreciate when not every movie turns into that.
Bomb Voyage: Now who is this guy?
Bomberella: Poor Man's Ethan Hawke
Bomb Voyage: I kind of like it when movies pretend like there's going to be a romance, but then they fake you out.
Bomberella: Just copied the face-melting scene from Raiders of the Lost Aark
Bomb Voyage: Whoa.
Bomberella: I agree on the fake-out.
Bomberella: And he calls them "Eric-nids." Love it.
Bomb Voyage: His accent is awesome.
Bomberella: "This is a big ass spider." I appreciate that he said it without the exclamation point, but the movie title has one.
Bomb Voyage: Pretty sure Jose is actually the hero of the movie. Who was that chubby demon from that movie we sort-of liked? Bulo? Jose is the same.
Bomb Voyage: This movie.
Bomberella: Yes, except for the gross stereotypes he's forced to operate unders.
Bomb Voyage: "You could be Super Exterminator … and Jose."
Bomberella: Ben's wondering if Greg Grunberg ("Grunny") is a method actor and actually spent time as an exterminator to prep for this role.
Bomberella: I'd believe it.
Bomberella: Also, I just forced Ben to tweet at him. I hope he tweets back. Stay tuned…
Bomberella: Gratuitous Bed Intruder reference
Bomberella: Dick joke!
Bomb Voyage: I think I see Big Ass Spider: the Game in our future.
Bomb Voyage: Can we livechat games?
Bomberella: Sure! I'd have to get some kind of playstation or xBox or somethign.
Bomb Voyage: If they are terrible games?
Bomberella: In whose opinion? I don't know that we'll agree…
Bomb Voyage: In our opinion?
Bomberella: Fair enough.
Bomberella: I mean, I'm game.
Bomberella: Get it?
Bomb Voyage: Punny.
Bomberella: I saw a license plate today that was ###-PUN and I really wanted it.
Bomb Voyage: You should have it.
Bomberella: Ben says this guy with the tennis shoes is the director of the Toxic Avengers. Lloyd Kaufman just got eaten by the spider.
Bomberella: "I'm going to get racial here."
Bomb Voyage: "I'll do the talking."
Bomb Voyage: "I hope so, you're the white guy."
Bomberella: Ben says this is a bad movie if they kill the small child. I say they won't.
Bomberella: "$12? This is all you've got?"
Bomberella: "Can I have my bribe back?"
Bomberella: It ate Dad!
Bomberella: And gratuitous thong shot
Bomberella: Do spiders really stab with their legs?
Bomb Voyage: No wait, how does a spider go from like a foot to like 100 feet?
Bomb Voyage: After watching this movie, I can authoritatively say that spiders stab people with their feet.
Bomb Voyage: Giant ones do, anyway.
Bomberella: It's quådrupling. Remember?
Bomb Voyage: That was more than quædrupling.
Bomberella: Ben is upset at the science (or lack thereof) in this movie. "No, it doesn't eat things whole, it desiccates them."
Bomberella: "Excellent computer graphics there." Says Ben.
Bomb Voyage: For a budget movie, the computer graphics are pretty decent.
Bomberella: "Grunny is the only thing holding this movie together." Grunny has not responded to his tweet.
Bomberella: "Your Spanglish is pressuring me." Facepalm.
Bomberella: "No, we're going to take care of the spider and then I'm going to take you out to dinner."
Bomberella: Slow-motion jump over while being shot at…
Bomberella: "I lost my truck, you're worried about your glasses?"
Bomberella: "Yeah, you're right."
Bomb Voyage: Why does the old scientist guy have a knapsack full of grenades?
Bomb Voyage: Is that a part of science I am not aware of?
Bomberella: Yeah, the MacGyver part.
Bomberella: "You're headed into a death trap. The wooded part is her terrain." Why is the spider suddenly female? Wasn't he saying "he" and "buddy" before?
Bomb Voyage: Also how does he know what kind of spider it is?
Bomberella: It's a thermite pack. That sounds so science-y
Bomberella: I think he saw her lady bug. I mean, bits.
Bomb Voyage: In fairness, thermite is awesome.
Bomberella: This movie does set itself up to become a video game pretty well.
Bomb Voyage: Dear military: small arms will basically never ever work against monsters.
Bomberella: Noooooooooooooo Alex is stuck
Bomb Voyage: Bazooka or go home.
Bomberella: Does the spider have a head-dress? Like the alien in Alien?
Bomberella: Why doesn't she have some kind of pocket knife? She's a soldier.
Bomberella: It looks like the spider mated with a triceratops
Bomb Voyage: Yes it does.
Bomberella: I could do without the stereotyped music
Bomb Voyage: Yep.
Bomb Voyage: I think that song is called "Here Comes Mexican Stereotype Guy."
Bomberella: Hahaha, yes!
Bomb Voyage: Who is awesome just the same.
Bomberella: "What is stage 5? No really, what is stage 5?
Bomb Voyage: I bet it quãdruples again.
Bomberella: I totally called the alien!
Bomberella: I didn't see that in the trailer either. I'm just that good.
Bomb Voyage: It's a Martian spider.
Bomberella: I'd like to see it do battle with a Venus fly trap.
Bomb Voyage: "It's promise is infinite."
Bomb Voyage: "Tomatoes is the first word I understood."
Bomb Voyage: "So why do we got the giant spider? I don't get it."
Bomb Voyage: Dying.
Bomberella: What did he say To-MAY-to or did he say To-MAH-To?
Bomberella: Stage 5 is mating.
Bomberella: Or, at least, that's what the last guy I dated told me.
Bomb Voyage: Hey Belgian guy, it's called home base.
Bomb Voyage: Not Stage 5.
Bomb Voyage: Go back to Belgia.
Bomberella: We didn't get to Stage 5.
Bomberella: Again, how does he know it's a she? Was there an egg sac ID that we missed?
Bomberella: The soundtrack took a weird turn.
Bomberella: Ben hates it.
Bomb Voyage: Is this a song recorded for this movie? Because if "Giant Spider" is a real punk song, I'm going to find it.
Bomberella: No idea. But you should check.
Bomb Voyage: I just tried. Nothing obvious.
Bomb Voyage: Found it: https://www.youtube.com/wat…
Bomb Voyage: My Google fu is on today.
Bomberella: Giant spider
Bloodsucking Zombies From Outer Space: performer
Bomb Voyage: What a great fucking band name.
Bomberella: "If we can ignite the spineret we can blow it up from the inside out?
Bomb Voyage: Why is she screaming at the (relatively) little spider emerging from the egg? I mean, by now she knows it becomes like 100 feet tall. The little ones are NBD.
Bomberella: Yes, but the little ones are there, the big one is out. So it's the proximity of the threat
Bomb Voyage: "Where is the spinaret?""In it's ass."
Bomberella: And I love that they have to shoot the spider in the ass
Bomb Voyage: "I'll see you in hell, Braxton."
Bomberella: I'm thinking the lack of punctuation was actually genius.
Bomb Voyage: Indiana Jones in da house.
Bomberella: Aaaaaaaaaand now we're at the opening of the movie.
Bomb Voyage: Took long enough.
Bomb Voyage: I ran out of drinks, though.
Bomberella: In your whole house?
Bomberella: Now we've got a poor man's Superman theme playing.
Bomb Voyage: No. I have a shitload of liquor. I just can't make cocktails, chat, and watch the movie all at ones.
Bomb Voyage: Once.
Bomb Voyage: Pick any two.
Bomberella: Fair enough.
Bomb Voyage: Oh no, I can't actually make cocktails and chat.
Bomberella: Ben just called Grunny the poor man's Superman.
Bomb Voyage: Pick other two.
Bomberella: Make cocktails and watch movie?
Bomb Voyage: I thought we already agreed the Big Ass Spider can't be hurt by regular guns.
Bomb Voyage: I can definitely make cocktails and watch the movie. The movie is portable tonight, baby.
Bomberella: Did you just call me "baby"?
Bomb Voyage: It's literally never not funny to put an elevator in the middle of an action sequence.
Bomb Voyage: Or a subway, like in Thor: the Dark World.
Bomb Voyage: It was more like an abstract baby.
Bomberella: Also, HUGE BECHDEL FAIL
Bomb Voyage: Like "Ooh baby, I'm hot tonight."
Bomberella: Ewww that is worse
Bomb Voyage: I can't remember which movie that's from, but it was some old guy who said it.
Bomberella: Never say that again
Bomberella: I don't know that we've even had two women with names in this.
Bomb Voyage: Lisa the nurse and Carly the soldier, but I don't think they talked.
Bomberella: Wait, did the nurse and the soldier have a conversation?
Bomberella: Yeah, I don't think they did.
Bomb Voyage: Don't think so.
Bomberella: This is like the scene in Jumanji
Bomberella: This is my nightmare
Bomberella: Who is that other woman?
Bomberella: Does "Help me" with Carly in the room count?
Bomb Voyage: Also there's the whole having-a-woman-soldier-who-is-potentially-a-badass-but-then-becomes-a-damsel-in-distress-so-the-bumbling-guy-can-rescue-her problem.
Bomberella: This is what bothers me. We acknowledge that women can be badass, but we also make them helpless AND don't have enough of them and can't have them interact with each other
Bomberella: And we're on the same page.
Bomb Voyage: "We're gonna shoot it in the butt."
Bomb Voyage: "Find me that bazooka."
Bomb Voyage: Why did he run away from the bazooka?
Bomb Voyage: "Up yours."
Bomberella: Why does the spider keep stabbing people?
Bomb Voyage: In the world of cheesy lines, that was actually perfect.
Bomberella: So true.
Bomberella: Also, that was disgusting.
Bomberella: I wonder if they made this movie 3D
Bomb Voyage: Awkward kissing scene.
Bomberella: With all the stuff flying at the screen, ya know?
Bomberella: And totally awkward kissing scene.
Bomb Voyage: Okay, that was pretty good.
Bomberella: Moving toward Stage 5…
Bomb Voyage: You can't ask much more from a cheesy B movie.
Bomberella: It was pretty good. I liked it a lot. And I love Greg Grunberg. And Ray Wise.
Bomberella: And Patrick Bauchau.
Bomb Voyage: I'm going with 4 stars.
Bomberella: I'd agree. 4 from me.
Bomberella: Ben gives it a 3.5
Bomb Voyage: That's .5 more than Netflix predicted for me.
Bomb Voyage: YOU DON"T KNOW ME NETFLIX!
Bomb Voyage: More spiders next week?
Bomberella: Ben votes for Croczilla and says "Hopefully it's not a crock of shit." I'm okay with that. Bomb Voyage?
Bomb Voyage: I'm in.
Bomberella: The Summer of Monsters has begun!
Bomb Voyage: I didn't even look it up, but Croczilla sounds badass.
Bomb Voyage: SUMMER OF MONSTERS!
Bomberella: Tune in next week for Croczilla!
Bomberella: Thanks for joining us tonight, everyone!
Bomberella: Ben says if that doesn’t work, we’ll watch another movie with Greg Grunberg because he’s aces.
Bomberella: Or asses