Bitter Empire

  • Critic
  • Lawyer
  • SciTech
  • Endings
  • 
  • 
  • 
critic

Cinéma Atroce: Bloodsport

  The Bomb Squad /   March 31, 2015 /   Critic, Live Blog /   Leave a Comment

We’re going back to our martial arts beginnings with this week’s movie, Bloodsport, featuring action movie actor extraordinaire Jean-Claude Van Damme (a.k.a The Muscles from Brussels) in one of his first starring roles. According to Wikipedia, the movie showcases some of Van Damme’s athletic abilities, including a move called “helicopter-style, jump spinning heel kicks.” Apparently, in addition to various martial arts, JCtotheVD (yeah, that didn’t work) studied ballet, which he called “an art, but it’s also one of the most difficult sports. If you can survive a ballet workout, you can survive a workout in any other sport.” The only difference between a pirouette and roundhouse is whether your foot connects with someone’s face. Or something.

There will be 80s-quality sound-enhanced punching. And full splits. And some guy apparently tells JCVD that he isn’t Japanese (*snort* Jean-Claude Van Damme is whatever the hell he wants to be, dude). Just check out the trailer (below) and you’ll be as pumped as, well, the iron in JCVD’s house.

Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a Bloody Mary, find yourself a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Bloodsport on Netflix, and pull up the liveblog starting at 9pm CDT.

Jump right down to the liveblog.

Tonight’s Movie

Tonight’s Bloggers

Bomb Voyage and Bomberella of The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-blog at a time.

Tonight’s Cocktail

Bloody Mary

Tonight we’re drinking Bloody Marys. Because blood. And because they’re packed with stuff, like Bloodsport. People make their Marys like Jean-Claude says his lines: any Van Damme way he pleases. We’re being sort of lazy this evening––a purist would use things like Worcestershire sauce and tabasco sauce and horseradish sauce––but we’ve gone with a mixture of Zing Zang Bloody Mary mix and Spicy Hot V8. And a bunch of other stuff in spear shape/on skewers.

Bloody Mary, Bomb Squad-style

3 parts Zing Zang

1 part Spicy Hot V8

1 part vodka

celery salt

cheese cubes

celery stalk

pickle

green olive

beef stick

lime wedge

beer chaser (snit)

Rim a glass with celery salt and fill with ice. Add vodka, Zing Zang, and Spicy Hot V8. Slide a cheese cube (or two), olive, and lime wedge onto a skewer; add celery stalk, pickle, and beefcake beef stick to the drink. Or you could add shrimp, asparagus, or, say, (muscles from) Brussels sprouts. We like ours with a snit. For more ideas, check out this really loaded Bloody Mary bar. It has bacon!

Tonight’s Liveblog

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20158:47 pm

Tonight’s T-Shirt 
Because Final Four. And it’s sports-related. And it’s true. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20158:56 pm

I have a friend joining me on my couch tonight. Say hello to Ben everyone!

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20158:57 pm

Oh what a feelin’, we’re dancing on the ceiling!

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20158:58 pm

Seriously, that photo was right-side up when I took it. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:00 pm

Okay, everyone ready?

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:00 pm

PUSH PLAY!

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:01 pm

JCVD gets billing before the director, nice! And Forest Whitaker is in this.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:01 pm

And also Bolo, the Chinese Hercules. Or so says Ben.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:02 pm

I’m calling my cocktail tonight a Bloody Martini.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:03 pm

Nice. Very girly.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:03 pm

Oh shit, the guy from Revenge of the Nerds.

NERDS!!!

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:03 pm

Three minutes in (all three of which were the credits) and we already see Jean-Claude kicking.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:04 pm

“The colonel wants to see you”

“I have to shower.”
“I’ll have to wait.”
“Okay.”
And now he’s running away.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:05 pm

His last name is Dux. I’ve been pronouncing it “Ducks.” Apparently, it’s Dukes. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:05 pm

Jean-Claude looking pensive.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:05 pm

I just want to remind everyone how fucking amazing JCVD is.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:06 pm

Flashback to someone who looks nothing like Jean-Claude Van Damme. He’s wearing a Giants jersey and a Giants baseball cap and THEY PLAY ON DIFFERENT COASTS! Because JCVD doesn’t care.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:07 pm

Also, I initially typed Jean-Claude Fan Damme, which seems to fit. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:08 pm

He’s now being recruited by the guy who he tried to steal from, whose son just called him “round eye.” The young JCVD has the worst fake Belgian accent. Ever.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:09 pm

The flashback is so long, they keep cutting back to the present. And now he just looks creepy for the people in real time.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:09 pm

Young JCVD is a pretty good guy.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:10 pm

He is. So is slightly older but 20-years ago JCVD. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:10 pm

“You are not Japanese!” Yessssssssss!

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:10 pm

JCVD’s master is also Lao Che from the opening scene of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I’ve watched that movie so many times I can’t see him in this without hearing the lines from Indiana Jones.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:11 pm

10:45: JCVD’s lip is bleeding.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:11 pm

Yes, Lao Che! I knew I recognized him!

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:12 pm

Now they’re hand-jiving.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:12 pm

They’re doing the Mr. Miyagi hand warmer thing.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:12 pm

This is so derivative of the Karate Kid: Instead of catching flies with chopsticks, he’s catching fish with his bare hands.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:13 pm

What I’ve learned about martial arts is that whenever you get your ass kicked by your master, you have to do the punch-your-hand thing.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:13 pm

Wait, Lao Che’s wife was totally checking out JCVD’s ass.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:13 pm

So true.

Ben thinks this is 50 Shades of Grey with the way that woman is leering at him.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:14 pm

The rope torture isn’t helping…

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:14 pm

Neither is the mustache.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:14 pm

“There’s a beefstick in my drink!” said Ben.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:15 pm

No one can force JCVD into the splits. “He’s using his the power of his groin!” 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:16 pm

I think JCVD is wearing blush…

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:16 pm

In case you wanted to know, Jean Claude Van Damme is very strong. Also he can do the splits and kick very high. Got it. Backstory out of the way.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:16 pm

And Ben’s mom’s silk robe.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:16 pm

Wait that was ALL flashback? 

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:17 pm

Seriously. I thought we were actually watching the movie.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:18 pm

Ben wondered, with all the jump cut edits, if they weren’t filmed doing their lines in different countries. I agree. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:18 pm

Apparently, wherever we are now does not have an open container law. 

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:19 pm

Also, just going backwards for a minute, a glass of vodka is only a girly drink if by girly you mean badass.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:19 pm

Ogre!

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:20 pm

It took you 20 minutes to come up with that? 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:20 pm

We’ve seen more fighting from the video game than real life. 

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:21 pm

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:21 pm

Forest Whitaker!

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:22 pm

I love that guy’s aviators. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:22 pm

That’s quite a trio walking around.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:23 pm

No fighting outside the ring!

(If that’s not foreshadowing I don’t even know what is.)

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:23 pm

Apparently, this country is full of people who will mercilessly crotch punch you. “You’ve got to protect your nuts”

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:24 pm

Apparently.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:25 pm

They treat your jewels like a speed bag. 

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:25 pm

Does Ogre actually know any martial arts, or is he just going to beat people up, Hell’s Angels–style?

That’s the real mystery here. I’m on the edge of my seat.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:25 pm

He’s probably just going to eat them. 

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:25 pm

Does Ogre actually know any martial arts, or is he just going to beat people up Hell’s Angels–style?

That’s the real mystery here. I’m on the edge of my seat.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:25 pm

This is the “art” part of martial arts. They just draw you while you pose.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:27 pm

Don’t worry, we just have a pile of bricks lying around. 

Also, could JCVD’s pants BE any higher?

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:27 pm

Mortal Kombat did the secret-martial-arts-tournament better, TBH.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:27 pm

He’s always worn high-water pants, most likely because nobody has the guts to tell him it looks stupid.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:27 pm

The stage directions on this: when we cut to you, just cross your arms and look disapproving.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:28 pm

I would. I would tell him right to his beautiful blush-covered face.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:29 pm

He would do the splits and punch you in the crotch, according to local custom.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:29 pm

Totally worth it.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:30 pm

Why doesn’t Forest Whitaker want JCVD to fight in the kumite?

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:32 pm

Pleat front pants are also bad, JCVD. And that shirt. Someone please get that man a tailor! Or did he borrow the shirt from Ogre?

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:33 pm

How come no guy ever says to me, “Okay, I’ll give you this exclusive interview on one condition? That you have dinner with me tomorrow night”? I mean, I’m a writer.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:33 pm

And now he’s just showing off with those splits. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:34 pm

The Hong Kong color guard just made an appearance!

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:34 pm

Oh, 80s.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:35 pm

So great. Only slightly better than the 90s as a time to come of age.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:36 pm

Zooming in on faces!

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:37 pm

It’s hard to believe there was actually someone doing makeup and wardrobe on this film, and this is what they came up with.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:37 pm

Finally some fighting!

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:37 pm

Ha! The thing is, it was cool at the time. Like these mullets.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:38 pm

Ogre looks like he took a wrong turn at the WWF.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:39 pm

Ogre basically wins on pure size, if nothing else. This dude in the mullet and tights doesn’t have a chance.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:39 pm

He’s really pleased with himself. Double thumbs up!

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:40 pm

I didn’t know neck-snapping was okay. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:41 pm

If it’s possible, JCVD’s fighting partner is less comprehensible than he is.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:42 pm

I’m going to kick you and elbow you in the face and now I’m going to bow.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:42 pm

Well that’s honestly fucking terrifying.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:42 pm

Gross! He knocked out the guy’s gold tooth and someone else picked it up and put it in his own mouth.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:44 pm

Kenny Loggins wannabe is tone deaf.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:44 pm

You can really tell when a punch/kick doesn’t connect in slow-mo.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:44 pm

But this soundtrack is so inspiring! But yes, tone deaf.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:45 pm

Stan Bush, apparently.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:45 pm

Ogre just called Forest Whitaker and his friend scumbags. Ben pointed out the irony of this.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:46 pm

Now they have taser-like things? 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:46 pm

They look like dustbusters.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:47 pm

Or flashlights.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:47 pm

Everything was so boxy in the 80s. 

Cut to weird chase scene in which JCVD appears to WANT to get caught. “Let’s run out to the end of a pier!” 

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:47 pm

TIL nobody was able to find clothes that fit them in 1988.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:48 pm

I like that the old white guy is the one with a limp who can obviously barely get down the street, but Forest Whitaker is the one who has to play the part of the clumsy guy.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:49 pm

I think they’re both pretty clumsy. They’re meant to be doofs, I think.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:50 pm

49:30: JCVD’s BUTT! 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:50 pm

Ben said, “Not for nothin’ but that dude’s pretty jacked.” 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:50 pm

I think everyone’s feeling a little insecure right now. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:51 pm

Worst wink-kiss ever. 

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:51 pm

Fair point. If you’ve got Van Damme in your movie, you push that R rating as far as it will go.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:52 pm

I just assumed it was because of the fighting. And the splits. I had no idea there was going to be a full moon.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:53 pm

I was trying to come up with a joke about Belgian full moons, but I got nothing.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:54 pm

Blue Moon? Isn’t that a Belgian white ale?

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:54 pm

How many of those robes do you think JCVD has?

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:54 pm

Also, I love how they’ve stopped worrying about mopping up the blood. 

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:55 pm

Did you notice that the mat gets bloodier with each fight? It’s pretty subtle and all, so you might have missed it.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:55 pm

That leg break was horrific. Ben claims his leg would be flopping around. I can’t look.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:55 pm

Because it’s a BLOOD sport.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:56 pm

I get that it’s full contact and all, but why is the one guy allowed to just kill and maim people whenever he feels like it?

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:56 pm

Fair point. I guess it’s also pre-AIDS. And you can tell it’s not recent because everyone would be tatted up now.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:56 pm

Do you want to be the one to tell him that he can’t?

Bomb Voyage March 31, 20159:58 pm

I’ve got to think they just made up some of these fighting styles.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:58 pm

Shirt came off, so you know he’s serious.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 20159:59 pm

So Bolo, the guy who is killing everyone, was 43 when this movie came out. Now I’m really feeling insecure.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:00 pm

Is this Chinese Hercules?

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:00 pm

59:35: Crotch punch!

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:00 pm

Yes!

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:00 pm

See, that’s what he will do to you if you criticize his waistline.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:01 pm

Bolo Yeung. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:02 pm

He just licked his own blood. Ogre got one good punch in.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:02 pm

“Stoooooooopppppppppp!” 

JCVD is really a terrible actor.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:03 pm

I made a mistake earlier, Jean-Claude isn’t wearing blush. He’s embarrassed by his acting skills.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:04 pm

Also fucking terrifying:

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:04 pm

That’s going to be in my nightmares!

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:05 pm

Bolo will haunt your dreams!

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:06 pm

Reporter lady just sold JCVD out. Ugh. 

Cut to emotional montage on a bus with bad 80s power ballad playing. 

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:06 pm

Holy shit this soundtrack is atrocious.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:07 pm

Nothing makes me feel better than doing the splits on top of a building.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:07 pm

Now I’m imagining 80s Van Damme crying into his Zima while doing the splits on his coffee table.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:08 pm

Yesssssssssssssssss!

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:08 pm

OMG Van Damme BUY A SHIRT THAT FITS!

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:08 pm

I want to know what kind of razor he uses, though. He’s got a seriously close shave.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:09 pm

I think he uses whatever they’re wielding as tasers.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:10 pm

I used my press pass to get us some sweet seats. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:11 pm

That was a cheap fist-bump fake-out.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:13 pm

Ben says Bolo injects the nightmares of children into his face.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:13 pm

Slow-mo martial arts noises are weird.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:14 pm

Crotch AND head shot at the same time. That’s badass!

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:14 pm

So Frank Dux is apparently a real person, although everybody thinks he is a liar.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:17 pm

Was the platform sloped like that this whole time?

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:17 pm

I don’t think so. It broke that way.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:18 pm

Dux later sued Van Damme for work he did on a different movie, The Quest, claiming that Van Damme overstated his martial arts accolades. Van Damme’s lawyer responded, “…Why, just look at his movies; he didn’t get those roles on his acting ability!” Nice. 

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:18 pm

That’s awesome.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:19 pm

Bolo has the crazy eyes!

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:20 pm

Battle of the pecs.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:20 pm

Sand in the eyes! Sand in the eyes!

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:20 pm

Where the hell did that leg come from? Hold on. I’m going to get a screencap.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:21 pm

The foot was magnificent.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:22 pm

I think that’s somebody else’s leg.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:22 pm

The amount of ‘roid rage on display is amazing.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:23 pm

Thank god for his training. He’s back in the zen zone.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:23 pm

That was some amazingly terrible acting.

Oh, I totally did not realize the blindfold was foreshadowing.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:24 pm

“I can beat you with my eyes closed.”

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:24 pm

Those must be the helicopter heel kicks. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:25 pm

Seriously, the slo-mo sounds are awful.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:25 pm

We should have planned a drinking game. Drink every time Van Damme does the splits. Drink twice if there was no good reason for it.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:25 pm

But not enough credit is given to the ref. Unsung hero. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:26 pm

I was thinking about that. Failed opportunity. Good thing there are a plethora of bad Van Damme flicks on live streaming.

“Drink every time Van Damme stares into space. Drink every time Ogre drinks.”

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:27 pm

Ben was not a fan of the Bloody Marys. He was a fan of Bloodsport, though. And he brought his own home-brewed beer which was delicious.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:28 pm

I love how they keep calling Van Damme “kid.” He’s 28 in this. 

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:29 pm

Bloodsport was just okay. Van Damme is impressive as hell when he’s not acting. And I give zero points to Stan Bush for the soundtrack. He is worse at singing than Van Damme is at acting.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:29 pm

Ben is now questioning the fact-checking on this end montage of Frank Dux facts. 

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:29 pm

I’m not sure there was any fact-checking.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:31 pm

I loved Bloodsport. It might have been more entertaining with Ben here, or maybe this is the Bloody Mary talking, but it was exactly what I was hoping for. Van Damme has never been known for his acting, so that didn’t bother me. 

I also enjoyed the soundtrack. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:32 pm

Stan Bush, who wrote the soundtrack, also wrote the Transformers soundtrack. Apparently he used his best material on that.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:32 pm

But still. It’s 4 out of 5 for me.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:33 pm

I’m giving this 2 stars. Which is the same as I gave Zeta One last week, though I don’t know what that says about anything.

I enjoyed it, but I thought the gratuitous butt shot was the high point.

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:34 pm

Maybe I should give it a handicap for being an 80s movie, though. Okay, 3 stars. 80s movies get a one-start bump.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:34 pm

Well, we’re in agreement about the butt shot. More of that, please! 

So it’s an average 3 out of 5. Not too bad.

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:35 pm

So average 3.5. Whoo hoo! And I agree. 80s movies automatically get a bump. Stan Bush also did the soundtrack to another Van Damme classic, Kickboxer. We may need to add that to the queue. 

The Bomb Squad March 31, 201510:36 pm

Thanks for joining us tonight, guys! Tune in next week when we watch The Crown and the Dragon: The Paladin Cycle. 

Bomb Voyage March 31, 201510:36 pm

I leave you with Stan Bush, “The Touch”:

Filed Under: Critic, Live Blog Tagged With: Bloodsport, Cinéma Atroce, The Bomb Squad

Share this post

tell a friend

Critical Choices

  • WWE TLC And RAW Recap: Tables, Ladders, Chairs, Stairs, Sontag, And Being Un-MetaWWE TLC And RAW Recap: Tables, Ladders, Chairs, Stairs, Sontag, And Being Un-Meta
  • Springsteen’s Legendary 1980 Tempe Arizona Show Finally Surfaces On VideoSpringsteen’s Legendary 1980 Tempe Arizona Show Finally Surfaces On Video
  • Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show: Fireworks, Decapitated Muppets, And ButterfliesVictoria’s Secret Fashion Show: Fireworks, Decapitated Muppets, And Butterflies
  • Here Is Your Not Actually All That Bitter Christmas Music PlaylistHere Is Your Not Actually All That Bitter Christmas Music Playlist
  • On Sad Puppies, The Nebula Awards, And Jeff VanderMeer’s ‘Annihilation’On Sad Puppies, The Nebula Awards, And Jeff VanderMeer’s ‘Annihilation’

I’m A Bitter

  • Critic
  • Lawyer
  • SciTech
  • Endings
  • About Us
  • 
  • 
  • 