We’re going back to our martial arts beginnings with this week’s movie, Bloodsport, featuring action movie actor extraordinaire Jean-Claude Van Damme (a.k.a The Muscles from Brussels) in one of his first starring roles. According to Wikipedia, the movie showcases some of Van Damme’s athletic abilities, including a move called “helicopter-style, jump spinning heel kicks.” Apparently, in addition to various martial arts, JCtotheVD (yeah, that didn’t work) studied ballet, which he called “an art, but it’s also one of the most difficult sports. If you can survive a ballet workout, you can survive a workout in any other sport.” The only difference between a pirouette and roundhouse is whether your foot connects with someone’s face. Or something.
There will be 80s-quality sound-enhanced punching. And full splits. And some guy apparently tells JCVD that he isn’t Japanese (*snort* Jean-Claude Van Damme is whatever the hell he wants to be, dude). Just check out the trailer (below) and you’ll be as pumped as, well, the iron in JCVD’s house.
Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a Bloody Mary, find yourself a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Bloodsport on Netflix, and pull up the liveblog starting at 9pm CDT.
Jump right down to the liveblog.
Tonight’s Movie
Tonight’s Bloggers
Bomb Voyage and Bomberella of The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-blog at a time.
Tonight’s Cocktail
Tonight we’re drinking Bloody Marys. Because blood. And because they’re packed with stuff, like Bloodsport. People make their Marys like Jean-Claude says his lines: any Van Damme way he pleases. We’re being sort of lazy this evening––a purist would use things like Worcestershire sauce and tabasco sauce and horseradish sauce––but we’ve gone with a mixture of Zing Zang Bloody Mary mix and Spicy Hot V8. And a bunch of other stuff in spear shape/on skewers.
Bloody Mary, Bomb Squad-style
3 parts Zing Zang
1 part Spicy Hot V8
1 part vodka
celery salt
cheese cubes
celery stalk
pickle
green olive
beef stick
lime wedge
beer chaser (snit)
Rim a glass with celery salt and fill with ice. Add vodka, Zing Zang, and Spicy Hot V8. Slide a cheese cube (or two), olive, and lime wedge onto a skewer; add celery stalk, pickle, and beefcake beef stick to the drink. Or you could add shrimp, asparagus, or, say, (muscles from) Brussels sprouts. We like ours with a snit. For more ideas, check out this really loaded Bloody Mary bar. It has bacon!
Tonight’s Liveblog
I have a friend joining me on my couch tonight. Say hello to Ben everyone!
Oh what a feelin’, we’re dancing on the ceiling!
Seriously, that photo was right-side up when I took it.
Okay, everyone ready?
PUSH PLAY!
JCVD gets billing before the director, nice! And Forest Whitaker is in this.
And also Bolo, the Chinese Hercules. Or so says Ben.
I’m calling my cocktail tonight a Bloody Martini.
Nice. Very girly.
Oh shit, the guy from Revenge of the Nerds.
NERDS!!!
Three minutes in (all three of which were the credits) and we already see Jean-Claude kicking.
“The colonel wants to see you”
His last name is Dux. I’ve been pronouncing it “Ducks.” Apparently, it’s Dukes.
Jean-Claude looking pensive.
I just want to remind everyone how fucking amazing JCVD is.
Flashback to someone who looks nothing like Jean-Claude Van Damme. He’s wearing a Giants jersey and a Giants baseball cap and THEY PLAY ON DIFFERENT COASTS! Because JCVD doesn’t care.
Also, I initially typed Jean-Claude Fan Damme, which seems to fit.
He’s now being recruited by the guy who he tried to steal from, whose son just called him “round eye.” The young JCVD has the worst fake Belgian accent. Ever.
The flashback is so long, they keep cutting back to the present. And now he just looks creepy for the people in real time.
Young JCVD is a pretty good guy.
He is. So is slightly older but 20-years ago JCVD.
“You are not Japanese!” Yessssssssss!
JCVD’s master is also Lao Che from the opening scene of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I’ve watched that movie so many times I can’t see him in this without hearing the lines from Indiana Jones.
10:45: JCVD’s lip is bleeding.
Yes, Lao Che! I knew I recognized him!
Now they’re hand-jiving.
They’re doing the Mr. Miyagi hand warmer thing.
This is so derivative of the Karate Kid: Instead of catching flies with chopsticks, he’s catching fish with his bare hands.
What I’ve learned about martial arts is that whenever you get your ass kicked by your master, you have to do the punch-your-hand thing.
Wait, Lao Che’s wife was totally checking out JCVD’s ass.
So true.
Ben thinks this is 50 Shades of Grey with the way that woman is leering at him.
The rope torture isn’t helping…
Neither is the mustache.
“There’s a beefstick in my drink!” said Ben.
No one can force JCVD into the splits. “He’s using his the power of his groin!”
I think JCVD is wearing blush…
In case you wanted to know, Jean Claude Van Damme is very strong. Also he can do the splits and kick very high. Got it. Backstory out of the way.
And Ben’s mom’s silk robe.
Wait that was ALL flashback?
Seriously. I thought we were actually watching the movie.
Ben wondered, with all the jump cut edits, if they weren’t filmed doing their lines in different countries. I agree.
Apparently, wherever we are now does not have an open container law.
Also, just going backwards for a minute, a glass of vodka is only a girly drink if by girly you mean badass.
Ogre!
It took you 20 minutes to come up with that?
We’ve seen more fighting from the video game than real life.
Forest Whitaker!
I love that guy’s aviators.
That’s quite a trio walking around.
No fighting outside the ring!
(If that’s not foreshadowing I don’t even know what is.)
Apparently, this country is full of people who will mercilessly crotch punch you. “You’ve got to protect your nuts”
Apparently.
They treat your jewels like a speed bag.
Does Ogre actually know any martial arts, or is he just going to beat people up, Hell’s Angels–style?
That’s the real mystery here. I’m on the edge of my seat.
He’s probably just going to eat them.
Does Ogre actually know any martial arts, or is he just going to beat people up Hell’s Angels–style?
That’s the real mystery here. I’m on the edge of my seat.
This is the “art” part of martial arts. They just draw you while you pose.
Don’t worry, we just have a pile of bricks lying around.
Mortal Kombat did the secret-martial-arts-tournament better, TBH.
He’s always worn high-water pants, most likely because nobody has the guts to tell him it looks stupid.
The stage directions on this: when we cut to you, just cross your arms and look disapproving.
I would. I would tell him right to his beautiful blush-covered face.
He would do the splits and punch you in the crotch, according to local custom.
Totally worth it.
Why doesn’t Forest Whitaker want JCVD to fight in the kumite?
Pleat front pants are also bad, JCVD. And that shirt. Someone please get that man a tailor! Or did he borrow the shirt from Ogre?
How come no guy ever says to me, “Okay, I’ll give you this exclusive interview on one condition? That you have dinner with me tomorrow night”? I mean, I’m a writer.
And now he’s just showing off with those splits.
The Hong Kong color guard just made an appearance!
Oh, 80s.
So great. Only slightly better than the 90s as a time to come of age.
Zooming in on faces!
It’s hard to believe there was actually someone doing makeup and wardrobe on this film, and this is what they came up with.
Finally some fighting!
Ha! The thing is, it was cool at the time. Like these mullets.
Ogre looks like he took a wrong turn at the WWF.
Ogre basically wins on pure size, if nothing else. This dude in the mullet and tights doesn’t have a chance.
He’s really pleased with himself. Double thumbs up!
I didn’t know neck-snapping was okay.
If it’s possible, JCVD’s fighting partner is less comprehensible than he is.
I’m going to kick you and elbow you in the face and now I’m going to bow.
Well that’s honestly fucking terrifying.
Gross! He knocked out the guy’s gold tooth and someone else picked it up and put it in his own mouth.
Kenny Loggins wannabe is tone deaf.
You can really tell when a punch/kick doesn’t connect in slow-mo.
But this soundtrack is so inspiring! But yes, tone deaf.
Stan Bush, apparently.
Ogre just called Forest Whitaker and his friend scumbags. Ben pointed out the irony of this.
Now they have taser-like things?
They look like dustbusters.
Or flashlights.
Everything was so boxy in the 80s.
Cut to weird chase scene in which JCVD appears to WANT to get caught. “Let’s run out to the end of a pier!”
TIL nobody was able to find clothes that fit them in 1988.
I like that the old white guy is the one with a limp who can obviously barely get down the street, but Forest Whitaker is the one who has to play the part of the clumsy guy.
I think they’re both pretty clumsy. They’re meant to be doofs, I think.
49:30: JCVD’s BUTT!
Ben said, “Not for nothin’ but that dude’s pretty jacked.”
I think everyone’s feeling a little insecure right now.
Worst wink-kiss ever.
Fair point. If you’ve got Van Damme in your movie, you push that R rating as far as it will go.
I just assumed it was because of the fighting. And the splits. I had no idea there was going to be a full moon.
I was trying to come up with a joke about Belgian full moons, but I got nothing.
Blue Moon? Isn’t that a Belgian white ale?
How many of those robes do you think JCVD has?
Also, I love how they’ve stopped worrying about mopping up the blood.
Did you notice that the mat gets bloodier with each fight? It’s pretty subtle and all, so you might have missed it.
That leg break was horrific. Ben claims his leg would be flopping around. I can’t look.
Because it’s a BLOOD sport.
I get that it’s full contact and all, but why is the one guy allowed to just kill and maim people whenever he feels like it?
Fair point. I guess it’s also pre-AIDS. And you can tell it’s not recent because everyone would be tatted up now.
Do you want to be the one to tell him that he can’t?
I’ve got to think they just made up some of these fighting styles.
Shirt came off, so you know he’s serious.
So Bolo, the guy who is killing everyone, was 43 when this movie came out. Now I’m really feeling insecure.
Is this Chinese Hercules?
59:35: Crotch punch!
Yes!
See, that’s what he will do to you if you criticize his waistline.
He just licked his own blood. Ogre got one good punch in.
“Stoooooooopppppppppp!”
I made a mistake earlier, Jean-Claude isn’t wearing blush. He’s embarrassed by his acting skills.
Also fucking terrifying:
That’s going to be in my nightmares!
Bolo will haunt your dreams!
Reporter lady just sold JCVD out. Ugh.
Holy shit this soundtrack is atrocious.
Nothing makes me feel better than doing the splits on top of a building.
Now I’m imagining 80s Van Damme crying into his Zima while doing the splits on his coffee table.
Yesssssssssssssssss!
OMG Van Damme BUY A SHIRT THAT FITS!
I want to know what kind of razor he uses, though. He’s got a seriously close shave.
I think he uses whatever they’re wielding as tasers.
I used my press pass to get us some sweet seats.
That was a cheap fist-bump fake-out.
Ben says Bolo injects the nightmares of children into his face.
Slow-mo martial arts noises are weird.
Crotch AND head shot at the same time. That’s badass!
So Frank Dux is apparently a real person, although everybody thinks he is a liar.
Was the platform sloped like that this whole time?
I don’t think so. It broke that way.
Dux later sued Van Damme for work he did on a different movie, The Quest, claiming that Van Damme overstated his martial arts accolades. Van Damme’s lawyer responded, “…Why, just look at his movies; he didn’t get those roles on his acting ability!” Nice.
That’s awesome.
Bolo has the crazy eyes!
Battle of the pecs.
Sand in the eyes! Sand in the eyes!
Where the hell did that leg come from? Hold on. I’m going to get a screencap.
The foot was magnificent.
I think that’s somebody else’s leg.
The amount of ‘roid rage on display is amazing.
Thank god for his training. He’s back in the zen zone.
That was some amazingly terrible acting.
Oh, I totally did not realize the blindfold was foreshadowing.
“I can beat you with my eyes closed.”
Those must be the helicopter heel kicks.
Seriously, the slo-mo sounds are awful.
We should have planned a drinking game. Drink every time Van Damme does the splits. Drink twice if there was no good reason for it.
But not enough credit is given to the ref. Unsung hero.
I was thinking about that. Failed opportunity. Good thing there are a plethora of bad Van Damme flicks on live streaming.
“Drink every time Van Damme stares into space. Drink every time Ogre drinks.”
Ben was not a fan of the Bloody Marys. He was a fan of Bloodsport, though. And he brought his own home-brewed beer which was delicious.
I love how they keep calling Van Damme “kid.” He’s 28 in this.
Bloodsport was just okay. Van Damme is impressive as hell when he’s not acting. And I give zero points to Stan Bush for the soundtrack. He is worse at singing than Van Damme is at acting.
Ben is now questioning the fact-checking on this end montage of Frank Dux facts.
I’m not sure there was any fact-checking.
I loved Bloodsport. It might have been more entertaining with Ben here, or maybe this is the Bloody Mary talking, but it was exactly what I was hoping for. Van Damme has never been known for his acting, so that didn’t bother me.
I also enjoyed the soundtrack.
Stan Bush, who wrote the soundtrack, also wrote the Transformers soundtrack. Apparently he used his best material on that.
But still. It’s 4 out of 5 for me.
I’m giving this 2 stars. Which is the same as I gave Zeta One last week, though I don’t know what that says about anything.
I enjoyed it, but I thought the gratuitous butt shot was the high point.
Maybe I should give it a handicap for being an 80s movie, though. Okay, 3 stars. 80s movies get a one-start bump.
Well, we’re in agreement about the butt shot. More of that, please!
So it’s an average 3 out of 5. Not too bad.
So average 3.5. Whoo hoo! And I agree. 80s movies automatically get a bump. Stan Bush also did the soundtrack to another Van Damme classic, Kickboxer. We may need to add that to the queue.
Thanks for joining us tonight, guys! Tune in next week when we watch The Crown and the Dragon: The Paladin Cycle.
I leave you with Stan Bush, “The Touch”:
Tonight’s T-Shirt
Because Final Four. And it’s sports-related. And it’s true.