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Cinéma Atroce: The Crown and The Dragon: The Paladin Cycle

  The Bomb Squad /   April 7, 2015 /   Critic, Live Blog /   Leave a Comment

To be honest, there isn’t much info about tonight’s movie, The Crown and the Dragon: The Paladin Cycle, on the interwebs. IMDB only had one sentence about the plot–“A young noblewoman must fulfill her calling to become the long foretold Paladin,” the trailer just keeps mentioning something called a “Falarica,” and there’s no Wikipedia page.  We know. There is a fantasy novel with the same name, but it appears to have been written after the movie. Unhelpful.

So, what’s a Paladin? Does the dragon wear a crown? What’s the Falarica and where can we get one? Will this movie pass the Bechdel test? These and other burning questions (we hope) will be answered!

Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find yourself a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to The Crown and the Dragon:The Paladin Cycle on Netflix, and pull up the liveblog starting at 9pm CDT.

Jump right down to the liveblog.

Tonight’s Movie

Tonight’s Bloggers

Bomb Voyage and Bomberella of The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-blog at a time.

Tonight’s Cocktail

Tonight’s movie is all about a strong female protagonist on some kind of journey involving dragons. So what better drink than:

The Mother of All Dragons Cocktail

Ingredients
4 ounces cranberry juice
2 ounces berry vodka, such as Ciroc Berry Vodka (We’re using Effen Raspberry vodka. Because we had it)
1 ounce simple syrup
Juice of 1/2 lime, plus a slice for garnish
Ice
Finely ground black pepper

Pour the cranberry juice, vodka, simple syrup and lime juice into a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake or stir and strain into a martini glass. Float a pinch of black pepper on top of cocktail and garnish with a lime slice.

The pepper gives it a little heat. Or, Dragonfyre, if you will.

Recipe copyright Sandra Lee, 2012

Tonight’s Liveblog

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20158:55 pm

Tonight’s T-Shirt
In honor of the AWP Conference descending on being held in Minneapolis & St. Paul this week. Writing geeks unite!

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20158:58 pm

Tonight I am drinking herbal tea because I’ve been sick for a week. Ugh. I wish I were up for a Mother of Dragons cocktail.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:00 pm

It’s delicious albeit a little weird. I mean, pepper?

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:01 pm

I should probably be drinking tea, though. Feeling like something is creeping in. And I don’t mean…I can’t think of something good that would creep in. Shoot!

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:01 pm

Okay, is everyone ready?

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:01 pm

Press play…NOW!

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:02 pm

Pepper = fire.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:02 pm

It’s true. 

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:02 pm

Ten seconds in and we already have an ocean of blood.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:02 pm

“Man and beast and the Earth itself collapsed.” 

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:03 pm

I just realized that you can basically divide fantasy into fantasy-with-dragons and fantasy-without-dragons.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:03 pm

You could say the same about orcs. Or swords. Or vaguely British accents.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:03 pm

Plot so far: a dragon killed a lot of people who expected a hero of light to appear. It didn’t happen and everybody was bloody instead of burned, for some reason.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:04 pm

Blood is so much cheaper to show on film than burned flesh.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:05 pm

I kind of like it when the dragons are good, though.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:05 pm

It’s true. That does make it more interesting.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:06 pm

Our heroine’s aunt (?) just gave her the Falarica, which looks like a unicorn’s horn. It’s prone to inducing flashbacks and random quests.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:07 pm

Pretty sure it’s a dragon’s horn or tooth or something.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:07 pm

Or talon.

Apparently goatees were popular in medieval England.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:07 pm

Cheapest way to kill someone on film: poison.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:08 pm

Look out, here come the hall monitors!

“You have a pass?”

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:09 pm

The next time I want some wine, I’m totally just going to go up to the bartender and say “I thirst.”

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:10 pm

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:11 pm

Whoa: 8 minutes in, the aunt’s dead, two prisoners escaped, Elann is on the run with the Falarica and at least one of the guards is dead. Oh, and they lost the nice box the Falarica was in.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:12 pm

“To enforce the law, I. Must. Have. Soldiers.” Settle down, man.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:12 pm

They’re going to regret not having that box.

I’ll bet a dollar that at some point a bad guy looks at the box and is all DAMMIT because the Falarica isn’t in it and he somehow knows it was the special Falarica box despite the fact she probably bought it at a thrift shop.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:14 pm

Word. It’ll be like the other movies where that happens. 

She did manage to save the bird cage made of popsicle sticks, though. So. 

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:14 pm

But hey, Bechdel Test passed in scene two. We’re making progress!

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:14 pm

So true! And so easily we almost missed it.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:14 pm

This is definitely an action-filled movie. Lots of cut-tos. Not sure I fully get what’s happening.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:15 pm

And 12ish minutes in: attempted rape. Blergh.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:16 pm

As far as I can tell, Prince John is attempting to depose King Richard with the help of the Sheriff of Nottingham while Maid Marian carries a unicorn horn somewhere.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:16 pm

Did he just call the river “Bitches Creek”? 

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:17 pm

And at least Maid Marian is finally getting her due.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:17 pm

Does biting things actually help you tell whether they are gold or not? And doesn’t it ruin the valuable thing you’re trying to find out about?

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:18 pm

I’ve always wondered that. Gold is a soft metal, so it’s possible.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:18 pm

Right but then you’re like “Hey, it really is gold! Oh shit I ruined it.”

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:19 pm

I do appreciate the subtle humor in this. 

“My name’s Aidan.”
“Elann Baron of Arath–“
“Yeah, you said.”

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:20 pm

The same guy who voiced Jabba the Hutt voices the bird man.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:20 pm

Hahaha that was awesome. He totally just dropped her in the muddy creek.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:21 pm

That was awesome. See, humor!

I think it was the same fake mud they used in The Neverending Story (RIP Atreyu)

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:21 pm

Cut scene and now her dress is magically spotless. They must have stopped by a drycleaners.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:22 pm

Mud dries clear. Duh.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:22 pm

Oh I forgot.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:22 pm

Those continuity things do bother me, though. Like when someone is covered in dirt, or bloody, or has wet/wild hair and then suddenly everything is back in place.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:23 pm

I should get a job as a continuity person for films. “Your cigarette ash was much longer.”

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:24 pm

Like this. She’s been traveling for at least a day and a half and her hair looks freshly washed. 

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:24 pm

Did people ever really just wander around the wilderness and sleep on the ground without even a blanket? That’s crazy shit.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:24 pm

The crow monster is pretty cool, though.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:24 pm

That bird man is a lot creepier than Michael Keaton.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:25 pm

He sounds like a pug with allergies.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:25 pm

It’s basically just a Ringwraith, now that I think of it. Only I don’t remember that part of Robin Hood.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:26 pm

Maybe you could give him some of your herbal tea. You know, for his congestion.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:26 pm

Or maybe he’s a rip-off of Dark Helmet.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:27 pm

Whoa, that kind of looks like the Cliffs of Moher. 

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:28 pm

Now a group of sirens/mermaids is trying to steal the Falarica while the bird man deals with Aidan. But the sirens did manage to scare bird man away, so that’s good.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:28 pm

Gratuitous dragon shot.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:28 pm

Oh, I remember this part. Soon they’ll start singing the pirate song and Jack Sparrow will try to put the moves on Miss Swan.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:29 pm

Maybe it’s the Mother of All Dragons talking, but I swear she just asked him what else he has in his hole. Um…

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:30 pm

Stage directions: The swarthy convict stares pensively off camera while waxing poetic about his wasted youth.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:30 pm

Dragons are just living kites. 

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:31 pm

Oh, the awkward morning after conversation. 

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:33 pm

The writing here is a bit too subtle for me. Do you think she likes him?

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:33 pm

“Come and sit, my wives shall entertain you.”

A harp and recorder was not what I was expecting to follow that.
The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:33 pm

I dunno. I bet we’ll be able to tell better if she gets really huffy at him now that he’s been flirting with someone else.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:34 pm

I bet they dance!

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:35 pm

Okay, this is definitely the Mother of All Dragons, but that string dance is actually kind of romantic.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:35 pm

Ugh, I’m definitely coming down with something.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:35 pm

“Lace those peckers away, boys!”

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:37 pm

I wish I could laugh like that guy. 

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:37 pm

That castle is amazing. It definitely reminds me of Ireland.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:38 pm

We should have probably known that the other criminal was going to come back to haunt us.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:39 pm

He’s affecting a Hannibal the Cannibal impression. Quite well, actually. 

“The battalions treat you pretty well, don’t they. Clarice. Wait, wrong movie.”

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:39 pm

Aidan keeps losing his sword. I think he’s on his third one. Fortunately new ones just keep materializing out of nowhere.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:40 pm

They’ve figured out regeneration. 

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:41 pm

This undressing of her is a lot sexier than I would have imagined for basic medieval hygiene.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:42 pm

It’s probably the music. And the fact that Aidan just peeped on her. Who bathes with the door open anyway?

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:42 pm

Well I know I was hoping for a bath scene.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:43 pm

Her hair wasn’t even that dirty!

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:43 pm

Nothing says sexy like getting scrubbed by a bunch of old nuns.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:45 pm

Old nuns do know scrubbing. And cleanliness is next to godliness!

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:45 pm

“Two dragons: one poisons the land, the other heals it.” 

How does a dragon heal the land?

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:46 pm

I don’t get why you’d have a picnic in dragon country.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:47 pm

I mean, it’s kind of like ants. You just have to expect that a dragon is going to show up at your outdoor feast. 

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:47 pm

I love his cow tablecloth, though.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:48 pm

Okay, we’re about halfway through. Still not sure what the Paladin is. Lots of sexual tension between Aidan and Elann. Not really sure about the Falarica, either. The nuns are like druids. And I’m pretty sure Elann isn’t going to live to die a virgin much longer…

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:50 pm

She’s totally a speed reader. “To crown the dragon, you must first kill the dragon.” That makes no sense. 

I love the nuns’ chanting, though.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:51 pm

I feel like it’s like “Bloody Mary.” They’re chanting it but they’re not really expecting the Paladin to show up.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:51 pm

I thought it was “kiss the dragon,” which seemed harder than killing it, actually.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:52 pm

And weirder. Why would you kiss a dragon? 

That’s why I don’t date smokers. I’m here all week, folks!

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:53 pm

For real, though: my breath is pretty dragony after that cocktail.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:54 pm

The crow monster is definitely one of the better baddies we’ve seen so far.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:54 pm

It’s true. Much scarier than most of the orcs we’ve seen. I think it’s because we can’t see his face.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:55 pm

Does it feel like they’ve been walking the same patch of woods and field forever?

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:56 pm

This is definitely a walking movie. Very Lord of the Rings, except if LOTR were actually all about Aragorn and Arwen going for a walk.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:56 pm

I guess fog has that effect on landscape. But still.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:57 pm

All I know is I want to visit wherever this movie was filmed.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:57 pm

I’m not a huge fan of how helpless our “heroine” seems. What, she can’t walk but he can carry her the whole way?

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:57 pm

Somewhere in the UK. It feels like Ireland, but I think it’s the English countryside.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:57 pm

And now we’ve met Miracle Max. 

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:58 pm

I think she’s helpless like Leeloo in the Fifth Element.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:58 pm

I guess. She hasn’t earned that like Leeloo, though.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:59 pm

I’m not entirely sure how stripping her naked and painting calligraphy on her will save her…

Bomb Voyage April 7, 20159:59 pm

It’s always worked for me.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 20159:59 pm

Why is it that healers always live in out-of-the-way huts with herbs hanging everywhere?

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:00 pm

So that’s what you’re doing instead of “drinking tea” this evening.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:01 pm

They probably get kicked out of towns because their huts smell weird.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:01 pm

People can be so intolerant.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:01 pm

I love it in sword fights when people punch each other with the hilt in hand.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:02 pm

And headbutt.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:02 pm

That’s my favorite move, too.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:02 pm

It’s so badass. It’s like punching with a gun.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:02 pm

The sword-punch, I mean.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:03 pm

I got it. 

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:03 pm

I bet Aidan manages to have another sword in his hand within 30 seconds.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:03 pm

Hahaha! Yes.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:04 pm

“Don’t worry, I wrote on her in a language only I can understand. They won’t know where the Falarica is. Oh. No, they took that, too.”

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:04 pm

Is Aidan just the default dreamy-man name these days, by the way?

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:05 pm

Yes. Blame Aidan Quinn and his ice-blue eyes.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:06 pm

Oh, it is actually a unicorn horn.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:07 pm

“It is a vessel of immense power.”

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:07 pm

Same diff.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:07 pm

Speaking of vessels of immense power…

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:08 pm

“Trial by combat Must. Be. Observed.”

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:09 pm

“Win and she dies. Lose and she’s free.”

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:09 pm

Wait, she’s a wiccan?

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:10 pm

“Sleep. He wants you rested so he can kill you properly.” 

It’s the albino in the Pit of Despair from The Princess Bride!

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:13 pm

Whoa, Aidan managed to come up with a suit of armor. I assume a sword, too.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:14 pm

The sword is a given. They’re a set.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:15 pm

So the bad guy is fighting the good guy for Elann’s life, but it got complicated when the bad guy turned out to be Elann’s biggest fan or something.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:16 pm

“Here is your itty bitty shield. En garde!”

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:16 pm

And Aidan’s bleeding over his armor.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:16 pm

It’s a hubcap from a wagon wheel.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:16 pm

The Dragon Wagon, if you will.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:17 pm

Aidan’s armor looks like a bunch of metal tiles sewn onto leather.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:18 pm

His armor’s pretty badass, but I think Elann is about to stop taking everybody’s bullshit.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:18 pm

“The emperor has an interest in ancient artifacts. Whoever brings him the horn will be smiled upon.” Look, guy, if I’m bringing you a unicorn horn that is so important it has a name with a “The” in front of it, I’m going to need more than a smile, m’kay?

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:19 pm

Elann’s definitely tired of taking everyone’s bullshit.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:20 pm

Actually I think the dragon just called a halt to all bullshit.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:20 pm

oh, crap! She just stabbed him in the EYE!

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:21 pm

Hold on, is this the same castle again? Has there just been one castle this whole time and they just show it from a different angle every time they need to put a castle in a scene?

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:21 pm

A white horse. How cliché.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:22 pm

I believe so. I think it’s been the same mile radius tract of land.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:23 pm

Oh yeah, that’s the same sea cliff they jumped off of a half hour ago.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:24 pm

Put the pieces of the Falarica together! For heaven’s sake.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:24 pm

And that’s the cave they stayed the night in.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:24 pm

She’s waiting for the most dramatic moment.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:25 pm

She’s waiting for Elmer to show up with his glue.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:25 pm

Why would you throw away your sword? 

Oh wait. He grows them back.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:26 pm

Why yes, stepping into the ocean with two pieces of an irreplaceable relic during a pivotal moment of the action while your lover is battling a dragon does seem like a really smart idea.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:27 pm

The water gets awfully deep awfully fast.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:28 pm

And again, she needs to be carried.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:28 pm

Eh, she just killed a dragon. She’s tired.

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:30 pm

I liked it. She was adorable. Their relationship made me smile. And hey, dragon! Still, kind of forgettable plot. 3.5, maybe?

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:31 pm

I’m a little disappointed with this movie. I was expecting a strong female lead, and instead she was kind of lackluster. Aidan seemed to be the true hero; she was important at times, but helpless in most. All that needing to be carried. The dragon was cool, the baddie was pretty bad. I did enjoy their relationship. I’m going to say 2.5.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:31 pm

So solid 3 average. 

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:31 pm

I appreciate that it passed the Bechdel test pretty handily and without much fanfare. 

Bomb Voyage April 7, 201510:32 pm

I can live with a 3.

The Bomb Squad April 7, 201510:35 pm

Thanks for watching, guys! Tune in next week for Agency of Vengance: Dark Rising. And in two weeks, we’ll be watching Gigli and drinking Ruth Bader Gin and Juices! (Get. Excited.)

Filed Under: Critic, Live Blog Tagged With: Cinéma Atroce, The Bomb Squad, The Crown and The Dragon

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