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Cinéma Atroce: Gigli

  The Bomb Squad /   April 21, 2015 /   Critic, Live Blog /   Leave a Comment

Remember when Ben Affleck dated Jennifer Lopez? And he gave her a pink diamond engagement ring? Yeah, we’d sort of forgotten that as well. Amazingly, they made TWO movies together during their brief courtship: Jersey Girl, and tonight’s feature, Gigli. One of us is really excited about this movie; the other one got emotionally blackmailed into watching it. But that seems fitting for a movie that has made it onto almost every “Bad Movies” list (no matter how many movies are listed). Richard Roeper called it “one of the worst movies he’s ever seen.”

From what we understand from the trailer (and contrary to what we previously thought), Ben Affleck is the titular Gigli (doesn’t it seem like it should be JLo? And not just because “starring JLo as Gigli” sounds good). He’s a gangster with a heart of gold, tasked with kidnapping a “psychologically challenged” witness, presumably to interfere with the proper criminal proceedings in a case–can you say “obstruction of justice”? But, with gangsters being an untrustworthy bunch, Gigli’s boss also hires JLo to say things like “byoo-tee-ful” and “you’re not my type.” Trying to keep this witness alive (and their wits) forces Gigli and JLo into a relationship that no one believes or is rooting for. Something, something, something: romance hilarity ensues.

Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find yourself a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Gigli on Netflix, and pull up the liveblog starting at 9pm CDT.

Jump right down to the liveblog.

Tonight’s Movie

Tonight’s Bloggers

Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-blog at a time.

Tonight’s Cocktail

To balance out the terribleness of this movie (like the scales of justice), we needed a cocktail to knock your socks off. We also needed to counteract some of the less PC parts of the movie, and we wanted to give a nod to one of Time magazine’s recently-named 100 most influential people of 2015. We could think of no better choice than the Ruth Bader Gin & Juice. Some might even call it a pro choice…

Ruth Bader Gin & Juice

Recipe:

  • 1 oz Blue Coat Gin
  • 1 oz New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc (2014 Kono from Marlborough)
  • .75 fresh lime juice
  • .25 lavender honey
  • .75 pomegranate juice
  • 1 dash Bitter Truth grapefruit bitters
  • muddled Jalapeño
  • Sugar rim

In a cocktail shaker, muddle two slices of jalapeño (no seeds) into gin. Add Sauvignon Blanc, lime, lavender honey, pomegranate juice and bitters.  Shake over ice. Rim a glass with sugar and double strain the cocktail.

Original Recipe from Rachel Kling, bartender at Quill Bar, Jefferson Hotel, DC

We modified our recipe a little in that we didn’t use the exact gin listed and our bitters also have hibiscus in them. But still delicious. And expensive. In true Gigli fashion, this cocktail costs way more money than it’s going to give us in return. Maybe not $70 million, but still.

Tonight’s Liveblog

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20158:53 pm

Tonight’s T-shirt (sort of)
I had a thing for Ben Affleck in the early-Naughties (which is what a friend of mine calls the decade before this one). Sorrynotsorry

My mom got me this makeup bag during that time. Not a T-shirt, but totally fitting.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20158:58 pm

Ooh, this lavender honey really tastes like lavender! 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:00 pm

Okay, people, is everyone ready? Ben’s here with me on the couch. Say hi, Ben!

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:00 pm

Ben says hi.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:01 pm

I already hate it.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:01 pm

Okay everyone. Push play…NOW!

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:02 pm

Really digging this jazzy piano intro.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:02 pm

Bomb voyage! You haven’t even given it a chance.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:02 pm

Did you understand the thing about the shoelaces? I did not.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:02 pm

It’s true: you just never f—ing know.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:02 pm

And no, I didn’t understand the shoelaces.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:03 pm

Let’s see: less than 2 minutes in…2 F-bombs. Nice.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:04 pm

I feel like Ben Affleck just loves bringing out the Boston accent. 

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:04 pm

I can’t think of anything less threatening than small-time thug Ben Affleck.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:04 pm

Small time thug Bomberella? I feel like I’m pretty non-threatening…which is why you all should be afraid.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:05 pm

Where is this set? There are palm trees. 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:05 pm

But everyone is talking like Goodfellas. And that guy just called Ben Affleck “Jiggly.” I love him already.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:06 pm

Ben says we have Martin Brest to thank for this. He wrote and directed it. Thanks, Marty!

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:08 pm

Fun Fact: Martin Brest also directed Scent of a Woman, Midnight Run, and Beverly Hills Cop. Oh how the mighty have fallen…

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:08 pm

So Jiggly is a small-time mobster who is being sent out to pressure someone at a school for people with developmental disorders.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:08 pm

I’m thinking he meant mentally challenged, not psychologically challenged…

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:10 pm

No surprise: Gigli is the last thing Martin Brest is credited as directing…

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:10 pm

I’m feeling the Rain Man, now.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:11 pm

I feel like we’re witnessing a ripped-off scene from Rainman…Baywatch is the new People’s Court.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:11 pm

Jinx!

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:11 pm

I mean, Ginx!

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:12 pm

Oh man, Justin Bartha. How did you bounce back from this? Oh wait.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:12 pm

Ben says he had quite the hangover from this film. I think it’s a National Treasure…

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:13 pm

Smash the glass and tell us how many shards there are on the floor!

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:13 pm

This is already pretty painful and J Lo isn’t even in it yet.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:14 pm

Maybe she will provide some JLevity.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:14 pm

Oh there she is!

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:15 pm

13:27 – First JLo sighting.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:15 pm

Jiggly is a terrible kidnapper. “Sure you can come in and use my phone.” 

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:16 pm

Oh look, J Lo is flexible.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:16 pm

I always find I need to stretch out a cramp when I’m on someone else’s couch.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:17 pm

Ben just asked if people whose names are Gigli changed them to “Jiggly” after this to avoid being associated with this movie.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:17 pm

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:18 pm

I think I would like this more if his name actually was Jiggly. Or Giggly.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:18 pm

It is actually painfully obvious that they were dating when they made this movie.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:19 pm

JLo just explained the plot of this terrible movie.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:20 pm

Did he just say excoriate?

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:20 pm

No one uses the word “flay” anymore. That’s sad.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:20 pm

How often do you think people call Martin Brest at around this point in the movie and tell him they would like to excoriate him for this script?

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:20 pm

Poor JLo! She couldn’t afford a full shirt.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:21 pm

Because I bet the answer is not never.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:21 pm

Probably everyone who makes it this far.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:21 pm

“I am the f***ing sultan of slick!” This is pure poetry.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:22 pm

We should have done a drinking game for every F-bomb. We’d be bombed by now.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:23 pm

Biggest laugh: “I’ll kill ya.” JLo  to Gigli.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:24 pm

No food? She’s just having tea?

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:24 pm

This dialogue just really gets at the meat of it.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:24 pm

This dialog is so stunted.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:27 pm

Okay, that is the saddest thing. “You don’t have a book.” Ugh. A little piece of me died.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:28 pm

Part of the script of this is Gigli reading the back of a bottle of Tabasco. Wow. I’d love to have been in the writers’ room on that.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:28 pm

Recap so far: Ben Affleck and J Lo are both small-time gangsters who have kidnapped a mentally disabled man so his father or somebody will pay their boss.

The plot is that they are going to watch each other while they watch him. And I assume fall in love.

So far, most of the dialog is Ben Affleck asking something like “Where are you from?” and J Lo responses “Somewhere else.” And then she plays coy by saying “You know, my name isn’t really Ricky,” and he says “So what is it then?” and she just smirks.

Riveting.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:29 pm

Don’t forget the whole “bull-cow” conversation. 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:30 pm

Now JLo has a book?! Why didn’t she offer that up earlier when Brian wanted Larry to read to him?

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:30 pm

And then this happened.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:30 pm

Also, I’m pretty sure I just got jalapeno in my eye. Damn you Ruth Bader Gin & Juice!

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:31 pm

So, um, do most guys pump out a couple of curls before trying to seduce someone? Or is that just a gangster thing?

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:32 pm

Plot twist: she says she’s a lesbian. Although we all know she’s not because of the movie description.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:32 pm

“You’re not my type.” 

“What about me is not your type?”

“Your penis.”
“What does that mean?”

“It means I’m gay. I’m a lesbian.”

Wow.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:33 pm

No, most guys do not store dumbbells in the bathroom so they can pump up their biceps in order to impress women they already have in their bedroom.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:34 pm

Oh. Okay.

Ben just asked if that’s how a woman responds to a dude coming on to her in bed or if she would just leave. 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:34 pm

Dichotomy: Giggity never reads. Ricki does. THEY’RE SO INCOMPATIBLE.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:35 pm

Oh man, the jalapeno! It burns. It burns!!

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:35 pm

What, Christopher Walken??

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:35 pm

This appears to be the book Ricki is reading. She’s so deep.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:36 pm

Is Christopher Walken the actor who says he made a career out of saying yes to every role? Or is that Ben Affleck?

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:37 pm

No, that’s Samuel L. Jackson. Who, it appears, is not in this movie. Maybe this was the one he turned down…

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:37 pm

Ricki also drinks tea. #enlightened

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:38 pm

Remember in the early 2000s when everyone slicked their hair back? 

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:38 pm

No I do not.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:39 pm

Did he just say he’s going to Marie Callender’s? 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:39 pm

Everyone in this movie is a close talker. And into staring creepily into each other’s eyes.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:39 pm

That was the weirdest cop-shaking-down-the-usual-suspects scene I’ve ever witnessed.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:39 pm

Ben says “No one in this movie has any reason for doing anything.”

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:39 pm

And yes, he absolutely said something about Marie Callendar’s. And pie.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:40 pm

We’re witnessing the slicked back hair. 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:41 pm

“No one’s getting me out of my place.” Sure. That’s why you’re leaving…

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:41 pm

Okay, I was wrong. The guy they kidnapped is a federal prosecutor’s little brother, not someone’s son. Close enough.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:42 pm

Don’t worry everyone. The jalapeno burning is subsiding. Clearly Bomb Voyage is unconcerned. As is Ben. Thanks, guys. Thanks a lot.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:42 pm

He wants to see “the Baywatch.” And now there is romantic music playing because the Baywatch and the sex are his happy place. As they are for us all.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:42 pm

Ooh. That just makes me sad.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:42 pm

Maybe J Lo decides to pretends to be the Baywatch at some point and it redeems this entire movie.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:42 pm

Doubtful.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:43 pm

Wait, why did they go out for food? There’s no pizza in wherever they are?

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:43 pm

Ben is absolutely right. Nobody in this movie has any reason for doing anything. But give them a chance and they will do something stupid.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:43 pm

Ooh, a couple of toughs with too-loud music just stepped up to Gigli. JLo tries to keep the peace. 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:44 pm

This Ben is definitely the better Ben this evening. 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:45 pm

I thought she was going to come up with something zen. “You boys just need to develop better people skills” did not lead me to believe she was going to tell that guy how easily she could gouge his eyes out.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:46 pm

“Oh, and I want everyone to study hard and keep your grades up, okay?” JLo says stay in school.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:47 pm

Quoting Sun Tzu always makes you sound smart. Unless you are J Lo and Ben Affleck in this movie.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:47 pm

So true.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:48 pm

Sun Tzu explains domestic violence, brought to you by Jennifer Lopez.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:49 pm

This movie’s problem is it’s a tease. We’re going to sleep together but not sleep together. We’re going to kidnap someone, but we’re not actually going to do anything. I’m going to tell you about how easily I could gouge your eye out, but I’m actually not going to lay a finger on you and also then I’ll tell you to stay in school. 

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:49 pm

Gigli is the worst gangster. He can’t say no to anybody.

Now he’s giving his mom a shot in the ass. Literally. Needle in ass.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:49 pm

First partial nudity: the mom from My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:51 pm

I hate this thing where everybody in the movie uses big words as frequently as possible.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:51 pm

It’s so realistic, though. 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:52 pm

“Nevermind, she’s been with fellas before, am I right, sweetheart?”

Creepy.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:53 pm

So who gives his mom the butt-shots other times?

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:53 pm

“Keep an open mind to being straight.” Wait, what?

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:54 pm

When Brian isn’t looking for the Baywatch and the sex, he calls Australia to listen to the weather report.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:55 pm

Here’s J Lo doing yoga. This movie is a vehicle for showing off J Lo.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:55 pm

JLo represents the east. Gigli represents Western culture. We’re supposed to dislike Western culture, I thinks.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:55 pm

I just wrote “I thinks.” This movie is making me dumber.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:57 pm

I think I would like it better if Gigli confessed that he had also been with fellas before.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:58 pm

“The penis is like a bizarre sea slug or a really long toe.”

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:58 pm

“The penis is like some sort of bizarre sea slug…”

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:58 pm

Ginx again!

Bomb Voyage April 21, 20159:58 pm

That was an awesome quote, but I really want to barf from this dialog.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 20159:59 pm

“The mouth is the twin sister of the vagina.” Um, I think you mean vulva, JLo.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:01 pm

How fitting that her speech ended right as her yoga did. Ben said, “right during corpse pose. Right as the audience’s interest in this movie died.” He’s being generous.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:02 pm

Whoa. Things just took a dark turn. Louis wants Gigli to send Brian’s thumb to the courthouse. Yikes.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:03 pm

Now he’s reading from the toilet paper. That is a metaphor for this movie.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:04 pm

Seriously, JLo couldn’t lend him her book to read to Brian? No one is believing that.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:04 pm

“I don’t really have friends.” Larry is a sensitive loner. Also, his tattoos have changed. Symbolism.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:06 pm

I actually did think this movie would have some redeeming qualities. I think the idea was that showing off J Lo would be the redeeming quality.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:07 pm

Oooh, this must be JLo’s girlfriend.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:07 pm

When the plot lags, add a character.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:07 pm

Also, Gigli is terrible at not letting people into his apartment. He’s really not a very good gangster.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:08 pm

When the plot lags, add some f-bombs. And the possibility of a threesome.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:09 pm

I just … what. J Lo’s girlfriend just slit her wrists in Gigli’s apartment.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:09 pm

Actually, this blonde woman might be my favorite character. She knows how to commit. And she’s got spunk.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:10 pm

“That woman is f***in’ beautiful.” I’m shocked this movie didn’t win an Oscar. 

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:10 pm

I did just laugh, but it was at the amazing inappropriateness of Brian’s dialog.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:11 pm

He said Ricki/J Lo is so beautiful she’s like the Baywatch, and she makes his pee sneeze, and then he said “God bless you.”

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:13 pm

n.b., When sneaking into the morgue to steal a thumb, make sure to bring the unpredictable mentally retarded gentleman you’ve kidnapped just to increase the suspense.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:14 pm

Also, use a plastic knife to cut off said thumb. That’ll totally work.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:15 pm

Ben is amazed at how easy it is to just take a thumb. I’m also surprised. Really? Sure. You can just roll into the morgue with some fast food cutlery and lop one off.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:16 pm

I gave this movie 1 star like 15 minutes ago.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:17 pm

A whole star? Wow. That’s pretty generous. Netflix gave it one star for me (based on the 2.2 star overall rating) before I even watched it.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:17 pm

I checked, but zero stars is not an option.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:18 pm

How many different ways can you say you think JLo is attractive, Ben Affleck? 10? 15?

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:18 pm

“In case you’re wondering, my life sucks.” 

We’re with you, Gigli.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:19 pm

Ben Affleck has weird looking nipples. His man boobs are pointy.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:20 pm

All nipples are kind of weird-looking. 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:21 pm

“I don’t even know why I had a crush on you…back, a long time ago, when I first met you.” Two days ago. 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:22 pm

Ben says “Sparks flying, sparks flying, sparks emanating from the [screen]. Look at those sparks!”

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:22 pm

This is the weirdest makeout scene. They are somehow sucking all the sexiness out of it.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:22 pm

“I thought you wanted to be my bitch.” What? What happened to him being the bull and her being the cow?

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:23 pm

What’s turkey time? Ew. Ew.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:24 pm

I’m going to poll all the lesbians I know to see if they’ve ever used “turkey time” during an intimate moment.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:24 pm

Ben says “Sweet Heterolingus is something they yell in Lord of the Rings and then someone blows a horn. And they all ride over the hill.”

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:26 pm

Do you think it’s more or less awkward to have a sex scene on camera with someone you’re actually dating? 

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:26 pm

So this movie is actually about how lesbians really just want the dick?

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:27 pm

Well, obviously. I mean, that’s what that whole weird conversation with Gigli’s mom was all about.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:27 pm

Apparently.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:28 pm

So, they’re hired to watch this guy 24/7 –super important they don’t let him go, not even to steal a thumb–but to meet the guy who hired them, they trust that cereal will keep him occupied.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:29 pm

Al Pacino just showed up. Jesus.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:29 pm

Touching moment in the car. Gigli gets in touch with his feminine side. It passes.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:29 pm

This is a star-studded movie. 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:31 pm

Much like this movie, tonight’s cocktail is star-studded…with flavors. They don’t always work together. But somehow, it is more successful than this movie.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:31 pm

What is the point of this whole finger discussion?

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:32 pm

The are people in this movie who should have been able to stop at some point and reflect on the terribleness of their dialog.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:33 pm

What! Al Pacino just killed Louis. And the fish are eating parts of him. But the aquarium didn’t break?

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:35 pm

Al Pacino just negated this movie. “I didn’t need you to do this…” 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:36 pm

Do you think Al Pacino owed Martin Brest from Scent of a Woman and this is how he paid him back? 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:37 pm

Ben’s questioning why this movie happened. I think we all questioned that a long time ago.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:38 pm

Whoa, the dubbing just went all crazy there.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:38 pm

The music doesn’t seem fitting for this moment. 

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:39 pm

It’s time for you to get a better hairdo, Ben Affleck.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:39 pm

JLo can apparently seduce anyone into doing anything.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:41 pm

“Bro, step up.” Ben Affleck laying it down. 

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:41 pm

Having un-lesbianed Ricki, Gigli is going to double down and un-downs Brian.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:42 pm

That is so wrong but so right. 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:42 pm

Is he going to propose?

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:43 pm

He’s got a whole box of Hennessy in his convertible.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:43 pm

Are they driving anywhere in particular? Seems like they’re still driving around in LA.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:44 pm

“Somehow you got through.” Really, JLo? You pretty much waved him in like a third base coach.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:44 pm

Oh look, it’s the Baywatch! Maybe the sex will be there, too!

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:44 pm

OMG they’re going to the Baywatch!

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:46 pm

Gool ol’ Gigli, not saying no to anything.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:46 pm

“We’ve already driven all the way here, can’t we just stop for the Baywatch?”

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:47 pm

He’s spineless, but still sexy.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:48 pm

What’s also funny is this is past Baywatch’s heyday of the mid-90s.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:50 pm

Oh yes, a fingernail callback. Of course!

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:51 pm

He’s giving her his car?

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:51 pm

It’s like he’s setting her up to be arrested.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:52 pm

This whole movie reminds me of those painful scenes between Anakin and Padme in Star Wars III. It’s like they took that script and turned it into a feature-length film.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:53 pm

C’mon JLo, you can’t even give him a ride somewhere?

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:53 pm

Remember how last week I said I felt like the timing was off in all the dialog scenes? In this movie the timing is off and they let every scene go on ridiculously too long.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:54 pm

It’s true. This movie was 2 hours (Oh dear God!) but it could have probably been more like 45 minutes. With maybe 5 total minutes of action.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:54 pm

At least Brian gets a happy ending.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:54 pm

There’s your redeeming quality.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:55 pm

She’s Australian!

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:55 pm

It’s not that redeeming.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:56 pm

Remember in the 90s when everyone threw ‘bows when they danced?

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:56 pm

End on Ben Affleck looking wistful. JLo is never coming back. She took your car. But wait…

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:56 pm

Oh, Ricki came back for him. I knew he suaved the gay out of her.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:57 pm

Ben totally called it. He guessed her name was Rachelle. 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:57 pm

And I called it that she would come back to give him a ride.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:58 pm

I wonder how long they had to look around for a parking lot that boat could do a U-turn in.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:58 pm

Adjacent to a beach…probably a long time.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:59 pm

The music swells and they drive off into the sunset. 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201510:59 pm

Wow. That was just. Wow. So bad. 

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201510:59 pm

I’m not mad at you for picking this movie, but you’ve got to agree it was objectively godawful. I couldn’t even enjoy J Lo doing yoga because of her stupid dialog.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201511:00 pm

However, I feel like I’ve unlocked some kind of bad-movie-watching achievement. Someone will be around any moment with my medal.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201511:00 pm

Oh, totally agreed. But isn’t this the best way to enjoy a bad movie? Ripping it apart with friends? And a good cocktail?

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201511:00 pm

But yes. 1 star. It wasn’t even funny enough to be good-bad. And super homophobic. 

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201511:01 pm

Heck, it’s only the 76th-worst movie on IMDB. We’ve got further depths to plumb!

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201511:02 pm

Yay! More craptastic cinema to come!

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201511:02 pm

So we’re on a solid 1 star? 

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201511:03 pm

Potentially more offensive to more groups, as well! This one was only offensive to gays and the mentally challenged. There’s got to be some racist stuff in the bottom 75.

Bomb Voyage April 21, 201511:03 pm

Agreed. 1 star. I’m offended that Netflix thought I would give it 1.1 stars. Our next movie is practically guaranteed to be a sparkling constellation by comparison.

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201511:03 pm

Absolutely. 

The Bomb Squad April 21, 201511:05 pm

Yes, folks we’ve got a great movie coming up – Wolf Cop! He’s a wolf AND a cop! I’m imagining Teen Wolf all growed up. But no movie next week. Come back in two weeks for Wolf Cop and we’ll be drinking “The Lone Wolf.” Hoooooooowwwwwl!

Filed Under: Critic, Live Blog Tagged With: Cinéma Atroce, Gigli, The Bomb Squad

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