Remember when Ben Affleck dated Jennifer Lopez? And he gave her a pink diamond engagement ring? Yeah, we’d sort of forgotten that as well. Amazingly, they made TWO movies together during their brief courtship: Jersey Girl, and tonight’s feature, Gigli. One of us is really excited about this movie; the other one got emotionally blackmailed into watching it. But that seems fitting for a movie that has made it onto almost every “Bad Movies” list (no matter how many movies are listed). Richard Roeper called it “one of the worst movies he’s ever seen.”
From what we understand from the trailer (and contrary to what we previously thought), Ben Affleck is the titular Gigli (doesn’t it seem like it should be JLo? And not just because “starring JLo as Gigli” sounds good). He’s a gangster with a heart of gold, tasked with kidnapping a “psychologically challenged” witness, presumably to interfere with the proper criminal proceedings in a case–can you say “obstruction of justice”? But, with gangsters being an untrustworthy bunch, Gigli’s boss also hires JLo to say things like “byoo-tee-ful” and “you’re not my type.” Trying to keep this witness alive (and their wits) forces Gigli and JLo into a relationship that no one believes or is rooting for. Something, something, something:
romance hilarity ensues.
Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find yourself a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Gigli on Netflix, and pull up the liveblog starting at 9pm CDT.
Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-blog at a time.
To balance out the terribleness of this movie (like the scales of justice), we needed a cocktail to knock your socks off. We also needed to counteract some of the less PC parts of the movie, and we wanted to give a nod to one of Time magazine’s recently-named 100 most influential people of 2015. We could think of no better choice than the Ruth Bader Gin & Juice. Some might even call it a pro choice…
Ruth Bader Gin & Juice
- 1 oz Blue Coat Gin
- 1 oz New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc (2014 Kono from Marlborough)
- .75 fresh lime juice
- .25 lavender honey
- .75 pomegranate juice
- 1 dash Bitter Truth grapefruit bitters
- muddled Jalapeño
- Sugar rim
In a cocktail shaker, muddle two slices of jalapeño (no seeds) into gin. Add Sauvignon Blanc, lime, lavender honey, pomegranate juice and bitters. Shake over ice. Rim a glass with sugar and double strain the cocktail.
We modified our recipe a little in that we didn’t use the exact gin listed and our bitters also have hibiscus in them. But still delicious. And expensive. In true Gigli fashion, this cocktail costs way more money than it’s going to give us in return. Maybe not $70 million, but still.
Tonight’s T-shirt (sort of)
I had a thing for Ben Affleck in the early-Naughties (which is what a friend of mine calls the decade before this one). Sorrynotsorry
My mom got me this makeup bag during that time. Not a T-shirt, but totally fitting.
Ooh, this lavender honey really tastes like lavender!
Okay, people, is everyone ready? Ben’s here with me on the couch. Say hi, Ben!
Ben says hi.
I already hate it.
Okay everyone. Push play…NOW!
Really digging this jazzy piano intro.
Bomb voyage! You haven’t even given it a chance.
Did you understand the thing about the shoelaces? I did not.
It’s true: you just never f—ing know.
And no, I didn’t understand the shoelaces.
Let’s see: less than 2 minutes in…2 F-bombs. Nice.
I feel like Ben Affleck just loves bringing out the Boston accent.
I can’t think of anything less threatening than small-time thug Ben Affleck.
Small time thug Bomberella? I feel like I’m pretty non-threatening…which is why you all should be afraid.
Where is this set? There are palm trees.
But everyone is talking like Goodfellas. And that guy just called Ben Affleck “Jiggly.” I love him already.
Ben says we have Martin Brest to thank for this. He wrote and directed it. Thanks, Marty!
Fun Fact: Martin Brest also directed Scent of a Woman, Midnight Run, and Beverly Hills Cop. Oh how the mighty have fallen…
So Jiggly is a small-time mobster who is being sent out to pressure someone at a school for people with developmental disorders.
I’m thinking he meant mentally challenged, not psychologically challenged…
No surprise: Gigli is the last thing Martin Brest is credited as directing…
I’m feeling the Rain Man, now.
I feel like we’re witnessing a ripped-off scene from Rainman…Baywatch is the new People’s Court.
I mean, Ginx!
Oh man, Justin Bartha. How did you bounce back from this? Oh wait.
Ben says he had quite the hangover from this film. I think it’s a National Treasure…
Smash the glass and tell us how many shards there are on the floor!
This is already pretty painful and J Lo isn’t even in it yet.
Maybe she will provide some JLevity.
Oh there she is!
13:27 – First JLo sighting.
Jiggly is a terrible kidnapper. “Sure you can come in and use my phone.”
Oh look, J Lo is flexible.
I always find I need to stretch out a cramp when I’m on someone else’s couch.
Ben just asked if people whose names are Gigli changed them to “Jiggly” after this to avoid being associated with this movie.
I think I would like this more if his name actually was Jiggly. Or Giggly.
It is actually painfully obvious that they were dating when they made this movie.
JLo just explained the plot of this terrible movie.
Did he just say excoriate?
No one uses the word “flay” anymore. That’s sad.
How often do you think people call Martin Brest at around this point in the movie and tell him they would like to excoriate him for this script?
Poor JLo! She couldn’t afford a full shirt.
Because I bet the answer is not never.
Probably everyone who makes it this far.
“I am the f***ing sultan of slick!” This is pure poetry.
We should have done a drinking game for every F-bomb. We’d be bombed by now.
Biggest laugh: “I’ll kill ya.” JLo to Gigli.
No food? She’s just having tea?
This dialogue just really gets at the meat of it.
This dialog is so stunted.
Okay, that is the saddest thing. “You don’t have a book.” Ugh. A little piece of me died.
Part of the script of this is Gigli reading the back of a bottle of Tabasco. Wow. I’d love to have been in the writers’ room on that.
Recap so far: Ben Affleck and J Lo are both small-time gangsters who have kidnapped a mentally disabled man so his father or somebody will pay their boss.
The plot is that they are going to watch each other while they watch him. And I assume fall in love.
So far, most of the dialog is Ben Affleck asking something like “Where are you from?” and J Lo responses “Somewhere else.” And then she plays coy by saying “You know, my name isn’t really Ricky,” and he says “So what is it then?” and she just smirks.
Don’t forget the whole “bull-cow” conversation.
Now JLo has a book?! Why didn’t she offer that up earlier when Brian wanted Larry to read to him?
And then this happened.
Also, I’m pretty sure I just got jalapeno in my eye. Damn you Ruth Bader Gin & Juice!
So, um, do most guys pump out a couple of curls before trying to seduce someone? Or is that just a gangster thing?
Plot twist: she says she’s a lesbian. Although we all know she’s not because of the movie description.
“You’re not my type.”
“What about me is not your type?”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I’m gay. I’m a lesbian.”
No, most guys do not store dumbbells in the bathroom so they can pump up their biceps in order to impress women they already have in their bedroom.
Ben just asked if that’s how a woman responds to a dude coming on to her in bed or if she would just leave.
Dichotomy: Giggity never reads. Ricki does. THEY’RE SO INCOMPATIBLE.
Oh man, the jalapeno! It burns. It burns!!
What, Christopher Walken??
This appears to be the book Ricki is reading. She’s so deep.
Is Christopher Walken the actor who says he made a career out of saying yes to every role? Or is that Ben Affleck?
No, that’s Samuel L. Jackson. Who, it appears, is not in this movie. Maybe this was the one he turned down…
Ricki also drinks tea. #enlightened
Remember in the early 2000s when everyone slicked their hair back?
No I do not.
Did he just say he’s going to Marie Callender’s?
Everyone in this movie is a close talker. And into staring creepily into each other’s eyes.
That was the weirdest cop-shaking-down-the-usual-suspects scene I’ve ever witnessed.
Ben says “No one in this movie has any reason for doing anything.”
And yes, he absolutely said something about Marie Callendar’s. And pie.
We’re witnessing the slicked back hair.
“No one’s getting me out of my place.” Sure. That’s why you’re leaving…
Okay, I was wrong. The guy they kidnapped is a federal prosecutor’s little brother, not someone’s son. Close enough.
Don’t worry everyone. The jalapeno burning is subsiding. Clearly Bomb Voyage is unconcerned. As is Ben. Thanks, guys. Thanks a lot.
He wants to see “the Baywatch.” And now there is romantic music playing because the Baywatch and the sex are his happy place. As they are for us all.
Ooh. That just makes me sad.
Maybe J Lo decides to pretends to be the Baywatch at some point and it redeems this entire movie.
Wait, why did they go out for food? There’s no pizza in wherever they are?
Ben is absolutely right. Nobody in this movie has any reason for doing anything. But give them a chance and they will do something stupid.
Ooh, a couple of toughs with too-loud music just stepped up to Gigli. JLo tries to keep the peace.
This Ben is definitely the better Ben this evening.
I thought she was going to come up with something zen. “You boys just need to develop better people skills” did not lead me to believe she was going to tell that guy how easily she could gouge his eyes out.
“Oh, and I want everyone to study hard and keep your grades up, okay?” JLo says stay in school.
Quoting Sun Tzu always makes you sound smart. Unless you are J Lo and Ben Affleck in this movie.
Sun Tzu explains domestic violence, brought to you by Jennifer Lopez.
This movie’s problem is it’s a tease. We’re going to sleep together but not sleep together. We’re going to kidnap someone, but we’re not actually going to do anything. I’m going to tell you about how easily I could gouge your eye out, but I’m actually not going to lay a finger on you and also then I’ll tell you to stay in school.
Gigli is the worst gangster. He can’t say no to anybody.
Now he’s giving his mom a shot in the ass. Literally. Needle in ass.
First partial nudity: the mom from My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
I hate this thing where everybody in the movie uses big words as frequently as possible.
It’s so realistic, though.
“Nevermind, she’s been with fellas before, am I right, sweetheart?”
So who gives his mom the butt-shots other times?
“Keep an open mind to being straight.” Wait, what?
When Brian isn’t looking for the Baywatch and the sex, he calls Australia to listen to the weather report.
Here’s J Lo doing yoga. This movie is a vehicle for showing off J Lo.
JLo represents the east. Gigli represents Western culture. We’re supposed to dislike Western culture, I thinks.
I just wrote “I thinks.” This movie is making me dumber.
I think I would like it better if Gigli confessed that he had also been with fellas before.
“The penis is like a bizarre sea slug or a really long toe.”
“The penis is like some sort of bizarre sea slug…”
That was an awesome quote, but I really want to barf from this dialog.
“The mouth is the twin sister of the vagina.” Um, I think you mean vulva, JLo.
How fitting that her speech ended right as her yoga did. Ben said, “right during corpse pose. Right as the audience’s interest in this movie died.” He’s being generous.
Whoa. Things just took a dark turn. Louis wants Gigli to send Brian’s thumb to the courthouse. Yikes.
Now he’s reading from the toilet paper. That is a metaphor for this movie.
Seriously, JLo couldn’t lend him her book to read to Brian? No one is believing that.
“I don’t really have friends.” Larry is a sensitive loner. Also, his tattoos have changed. Symbolism.
I actually did think this movie would have some redeeming qualities. I think the idea was that showing off J Lo would be the redeeming quality.
Oooh, this must be JLo’s girlfriend.
When the plot lags, add a character.
Also, Gigli is terrible at not letting people into his apartment. He’s really not a very good gangster.
When the plot lags, add some f-bombs. And the possibility of a threesome.
I just … what. J Lo’s girlfriend just slit her wrists in Gigli’s apartment.
Actually, this blonde woman might be my favorite character. She knows how to commit. And she’s got spunk.
“That woman is f***in’ beautiful.” I’m shocked this movie didn’t win an Oscar.
I did just laugh, but it was at the amazing inappropriateness of Brian’s dialog.
He said Ricki/J Lo is so beautiful she’s like the Baywatch, and she makes his pee sneeze, and then he said “God bless you.”
n.b., When sneaking into the morgue to steal a thumb, make sure to bring the unpredictable mentally retarded gentleman you’ve kidnapped just to increase the suspense.
Also, use a plastic knife to cut off said thumb. That’ll totally work.
Ben is amazed at how easy it is to just take a thumb. I’m also surprised. Really? Sure. You can just roll into the morgue with some fast food cutlery and lop one off.
I gave this movie 1 star like 15 minutes ago.
A whole star? Wow. That’s pretty generous. Netflix gave it one star for me (based on the 2.2 star overall rating) before I even watched it.
I checked, but zero stars is not an option.
How many different ways can you say you think JLo is attractive, Ben Affleck? 10? 15?
“In case you’re wondering, my life sucks.”
We’re with you, Gigli.
Ben Affleck has weird looking nipples. His man boobs are pointy.
All nipples are kind of weird-looking.
“I don’t even know why I had a crush on you…back, a long time ago, when I first met you.” Two days ago.
Ben says “Sparks flying, sparks flying, sparks emanating from the [screen]. Look at those sparks!”
This is the weirdest makeout scene. They are somehow sucking all the sexiness out of it.
“I thought you wanted to be my bitch.” What? What happened to him being the bull and her being the cow?
What’s turkey time? Ew. Ew.
I’m going to poll all the lesbians I know to see if they’ve ever used “turkey time” during an intimate moment.
Ben says “Sweet Heterolingus is something they yell in Lord of the Rings and then someone blows a horn. And they all ride over the hill.”
Do you think it’s more or less awkward to have a sex scene on camera with someone you’re actually dating?
So this movie is actually about how lesbians really just want the dick?
Well, obviously. I mean, that’s what that whole weird conversation with Gigli’s mom was all about.
So, they’re hired to watch this guy 24/7 –super important they don’t let him go, not even to steal a thumb–but to meet the guy who hired them, they trust that cereal will keep him occupied.
Al Pacino just showed up. Jesus.
Touching moment in the car. Gigli gets in touch with his feminine side. It passes.
This is a star-studded movie.
Much like this movie, tonight’s cocktail is star-studded…with flavors. They don’t always work together. But somehow, it is more successful than this movie.
What is the point of this whole finger discussion?
The are people in this movie who should have been able to stop at some point and reflect on the terribleness of their dialog.
What! Al Pacino just killed Louis. And the fish are eating parts of him. But the aquarium didn’t break?
Al Pacino just negated this movie. “I didn’t need you to do this…”
Do you think Al Pacino owed Martin Brest from Scent of a Woman and this is how he paid him back?
Ben’s questioning why this movie happened. I think we all questioned that a long time ago.
Whoa, the dubbing just went all crazy there.
The music doesn’t seem fitting for this moment.
It’s time for you to get a better hairdo, Ben Affleck.
JLo can apparently seduce anyone into doing anything.
“Bro, step up.” Ben Affleck laying it down.
Having un-lesbianed Ricki, Gigli is going to double down and un-downs Brian.
That is so wrong but so right.
Is he going to propose?
He’s got a whole box of Hennessy in his convertible.
Are they driving anywhere in particular? Seems like they’re still driving around in LA.
“Somehow you got through.” Really, JLo? You pretty much waved him in like a third base coach.
Oh look, it’s the Baywatch! Maybe the sex will be there, too!
OMG they’re going to the Baywatch!
Gool ol’ Gigli, not saying no to anything.
“We’ve already driven all the way here, can’t we just stop for the Baywatch?”
He’s spineless, but still sexy.
What’s also funny is this is past Baywatch’s heyday of the mid-90s.
Oh yes, a fingernail callback. Of course!
He’s giving her his car?
It’s like he’s setting her up to be arrested.
This whole movie reminds me of those painful scenes between Anakin and Padme in Star Wars III. It’s like they took that script and turned it into a feature-length film.
C’mon JLo, you can’t even give him a ride somewhere?
Remember how last week I said I felt like the timing was off in all the dialog scenes? In this movie the timing is off and they let every scene go on ridiculously too long.
It’s true. This movie was 2 hours (Oh dear God!) but it could have probably been more like 45 minutes. With maybe 5 total minutes of action.
At least Brian gets a happy ending.
There’s your redeeming quality.
It’s not that redeeming.
Remember in the 90s when everyone threw ‘bows when they danced?
End on Ben Affleck looking wistful. JLo is never coming back. She took your car. But wait…
Oh, Ricki came back for him. I knew he suaved the gay out of her.
Ben totally called it. He guessed her name was Rachelle.
And I called it that she would come back to give him a ride.
I wonder how long they had to look around for a parking lot that boat could do a U-turn in.
Adjacent to a beach…probably a long time.
The music swells and they drive off into the sunset.
Wow. That was just. Wow. So bad.
I’m not mad at you for picking this movie, but you’ve got to agree it was objectively godawful. I couldn’t even enjoy J Lo doing yoga because of her stupid dialog.
However, I feel like I’ve unlocked some kind of bad-movie-watching achievement. Someone will be around any moment with my medal.
Oh, totally agreed. But isn’t this the best way to enjoy a bad movie? Ripping it apart with friends? And a good cocktail?
But yes. 1 star. It wasn’t even funny enough to be good-bad. And super homophobic.
Heck, it’s only the 76th-worst movie on IMDB. We’ve got further depths to plumb!
Yay! More craptastic cinema to come!
So we’re on a solid 1 star?
Potentially more offensive to more groups, as well! This one was only offensive to gays and the mentally challenged. There’s got to be some racist stuff in the bottom 75.
Agreed. 1 star. I’m offended that Netflix thought I would give it 1.1 stars. Our next movie is practically guaranteed to be a sparkling constellation by comparison.
Yes, folks we’ve got a great movie coming up – Wolf Cop! He’s a wolf AND a cop! I’m imagining Teen Wolf all growed up. But no movie next week. Come back in two weeks for Wolf Cop and we’ll be drinking “The Lone Wolf.” Hoooooooowwwwwl!