Hey, remember in the ’80s when your friends used to make videos on the beach? And sometimes you got your mom involved? And she rode a motorcycle? That’s what tonight’s movie, Surf Nazis Must Die, reminds us of: campy, low-budget films with thinly held-together plots and a lot of cheesy fight scenes. We love it when the punches sound like someone slapping a giant ham with a wet palm.
From what we can tell from the trailer (which cuts off at the very end in a hilarious way, see below), an earthquake destroys California, which is unfortunate because the only thing preventing the rise of surfer gangs, led/controlled by the surf Nazis, is total tectonic stability (of course). These surf Nazis do not seem very chill, and instead have a propensity toward violence…kind of like regular Nazis. They kill a bunch of people, including a man whose mother then goes on a rampage because “Surf Nazis Must Die!”
Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find yourself a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Surf Nazis Must Die on Netflix, and pull up the liveblog starting at 9pm CDT.
Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-blog at a time.
It seems fitting to drink something fruity and breezy when we’re watching a super campy violent movie about two seemingly disparate things: surfers and Nazis.
Ingredients in the The Beach Bum Cocktail
Tonight’s Cocktail looks kind of like there’s blood on the beach…and I substituted Triple Sec for the Cointreau. But shhhhh!
“The gnarliest cult-comedy surf action-adventure ever!” sure does have a lot of qualifications in it.
It’s true. But, you know, go big or go home.
I think we should take a drink whenever someone says “gnarly,” “bodacious,” or “tubular.” It’s the Bill and Ted Drinking Game!
We’re going to get it started in 5, so grab a drink and settle in!
Okay everyone, push play…NOW!
I mixed up a really special cocktail tonight. It’s called an Old Fashioned on the Beach.
This is a film by “The Institute.”
“Goofy footers are an inferior race.” Whoa, gettin’ specific.
It’s just a regular Old Fashioned, by the way. Sentient steampunk typewriters don’t have a lot in the way of memory for cocktail recipes.
Surf Nazis absolutely do not surf goofy footed!
Ben and I are digging the soundtrack. Super 80s. It’s like the Running Man soundtrack.
WHERE ARE THESE KIDS’ PARENTS?
Whoever did the costuming and makeup did not do a good job with the “Woman just uprooted by earthquake.” She looked way too kempt.
Well, we’re on track for a Bechdel Test win tonight. There is a woman whose name is “Smeg’s Mom.” That’s a name all right.
Steampunk writers need to expand their palettes.
I’m pretty sure I watched this when I was like 15, but I have no recollection of it.
Smeg’s mom is not a name! Alison Bechdel would spit on that theory.
I’m pretty sure I wasn’t born when this came out.
Her middle name is obviously “Mom.” I think you’re being too literal.
Apparently The Big One just happened and LA is overrun by gangs. In other words, LA is totally normal.
Seriously, being named by your relationship to a man is an automatic failure of the Bechdel test.
“Some time in the near future …” a/k/a 1987.
Love the shark truck.
Wait, are there actually oil rigs on the beach in California?
Yes, and the Nazi youth now throw garage sales.
I think this movie is probably too low-budget to afford any kind of set, so there must actually be an oil rig on a beach somewhere.
I hadn’t thought of that, but you’re probably right.
This Hook guy took a wrong turn at a Clockwork Orange.
Is it too soon to be watching a movie that features gangs who ride on motorcycles sometimes?
Why are the surfers Nazis?
Because they’re all blond. Duh. Oh, wait…
They’re actually pretty decent surfers. Terrible acting so far, but the surfing’s alright.
“Aw man, I’ve got something stuck in my teeth.”
Totally unscripted scene.
I wonder how many times he’s cut himself.
Ben and I both think there have been some missed lines here.
“I am the fuhrer of the new beach.”
“We could make a real…killing.” Oh snap!
OMG the fake laughing is too much.
These kids take themselves way too seriously.
Especially considering the normally chill attitudes of surfers.
So, is this a meeting of the gangs, a la Warriors?
Things that were big in the 80s: surfing, martial arts, neon colors, gangs…Yep, this has al of them.
Gang roll call:
* Surf Nazis
* Skate Punks
* Tie-Dyed Surfers
* Asian Martial Artists
Did I miss any?
I think the Tie-Dyed surfers are actually the New Wave surfers.
Adolf had a fairly limited career.
Barry Brenner is an actor, known for Surf Nazis Must Die (1987), Maniac Cop (1988) and Maniac Cop 2 (1990).
It’s A-Team time!
Yep, it’s just Warriors on the beach.
One of these characters is called The Candyman. Yessssssss!
Nothing says beach domination like surfboards with built-in weapons.
Oh I missed the Hell’s Angels gang, led by Candyman.
Candyman was the fourth, lesser-known member of ZZ Top.
I’ve always wanted a sweet van, but I probably wouldn’t do the shark thing.
Whoa, the C-word. Also, Bechdel chicken…and a miss.
I would want the shark thing.
I sense tension among the Surf Nazis.
Samurai Surfers. That’s a p. cool surf gang name, if I’m honest.
Nothing says 80s like a hi-cut leotard.
Hook has the fakest prosthetic. He practically has a can on the end of his hand.
Nothing says depraved like making out with your girlfriend while your minions go out to kill the Samurai Surfers.
Hook’s hook just became like half the size it was in the last scene.
“You too big to kiss your mama goodbye?”
Oh, I see. I bet he’s got a fighting hook and a surfing hook.
So, in order to be a surf Nazi, you have to have a swastika prominently somewhere on you. Either on your shirt or in sparkly face paint.
We’re a half hour in and so far these characters are completely irrelevant to the plot.
Smeg has a hammer of Thor necklace and so does Ben!
Why is Ben wearing a skinhead symbol?
Although its traditional origins are non-racist, and although most Asatruers today are not racist, the Thor’s Hammer symbol has been appropriated by neo-Nazis and other white supremacists, especially those who practice racist or white supremacist versions of neo-Norse beliefs under the guise of Odinism or Wotanism. White supremacists will often even create racist versions of the Thor’s Hammer, incorporating swastikas or other hate symbols into the decoration.
Or is Ben a Norse pagan?
Despite the widespread use of the Thor’s Hammer symbol by white supremacists, the fact that it is an important symbol for non-racist Norse pagans means that one should never assume that the Thor’s Hammer appearing by itself necessarily denotes racism or white supremacy. Instead, one should carefully judge the symbol in the context in which it appears.
I mean Leroy’s mom.
And Ben waved that off. He’s a Norse pagan. But he’s also very blond…and jacked…I’m now a little concerned.
I’m ambidextrous…as in, I sometimes use my left hand…
If you see Ben picking his teeth with a hook, run!
“Adolf? Good God is that what that snotty little…call himself?” – Smeg’s Mom. Best line of the movie.
Ben says: For all the things this movie doesn’t nail, it gets teenage behavior really well.
I’d agree. Smeg was pretty perfect.
I think this scene was supposed to be a dramatic turning point, but I couldn’t tell what was happening.
I love these weird montages with Leroy’s mom. It’s pretty amazing.
“I was an economics major. Don’t fuck with me.”
I don’t understand why anyone goes to the beach in this movie.
They can’t avoid it. After the earthquake it’s all beach.
DO NOT FUCK WITH LEROY’S MOM!
“Slime-sucking neanderthal, how dare you question my loyalty!” -Eva
And now, another surfing montage from filmmakers who cannot afford a proper zoom lens.
You forgot the fisherman gang. And the hippy gang.
Yes, apparently there is a fisherman gang.
Nobody — I mean nobody — fucks with the The Anglers!
Also, Mengele just killed someone by biting his neck.
The Samurai Surfers aren’t going to take this lying down.
Neither are the guys who went to that spinny shirt-painting tourist store.
The leader of the Jazzercisers is straight out of community theater.
“If I clench my fist enough they’ll believe my words are genuine.”
The Surf Nazis do have a clear advantage over all the other gangs we’ve seen. All the other gangs only have three guys in them. The Surf Nazis have like … five guys and Eva.
And one of them has a hook and another one is cool with biting people to death. Which is pretty intimidating, really.
“I’m more interested in something that will take the head off a honky at 20 paces!” – Leroy’s Mom
So, we’ve got Smeg’s Mom and Leroy’s Mom…no Stacy’s Mom. I hear she’s got it going on.
Leroy’s mom is badass.
You forgot the Earth Surfers. Who really look like zombie or street urchin surfers.
Those are the Skate Punks.
Oh and there are five of them.
“Dear Adolf, There is some gnarly trouble coming your way. I’m going to hand-write it and put it in the…oh, crap, my mom!”
I’m going to assume Smeg did not choose his own nickname.
Cut to: montage of the gangs displaying their special skills. The Samurai Surfers will do martial arts, the tie-dyed surfers will comb their hair…anything else?
I mean, if you’re going to go to the trouble of having martial artists in your movie, you’ve got to have a scene where they do martial-artsy stuff in front of a rising/setting sun.
Surfing isn’t actually a way to get around, is it? I mean, if you’re going to head to a fight, you can’t really surf there, can you?
Ben and I just did a bunch of research to find that pagoda. For those of you who care: it’s called the Korean Bell of Friendship pagoda, and it’s in San Pedro. Ben thinks he remembers it from The Usual Suspects. Or a white supremacist meeting…
And no, you can’t surf anywhere. You go out, the waves bring you in. That’s pretty much it.
TIL Nazi fighting skills are totally superior to Japanese martial arts.
Biting beats fighting.
Yikes! Mengele is crazed! He just stabbed a dead guy in the crotch.
You know how I always start a fight? With a cartwheel. Works every time.
Also, who the hell are the Pipeliners?
Ben informed me the Pipeliners are who I referred to as the Jazzercisers.
Aaaaaaand acid in the face.
Ewwwwwww! Mengele just stabbed a guy and licked his knife afterward.
I think Mengele’s knife is actually a French chef’s knife.
Doing a cartwheel with your bo staff looks cook but is a bad idea.
Backstory: a shark got Hook’s hand and turned him into Anthony Burgess.
“Give a hot beef injection to a lifeless corpse.” -Graffiti
This is where we learn about the Surf Nazis’ tortured backstories. Or just the shark thing, really.
Seriously that is the dumbest hook.
It looks like the blades the paralympians use to ski with.
If these guys every grow up they are going to be really embarrassed when they look back on pictures of their awkward Nazi phase.
Aren’t we all?
Also, my mom just called.
I think that was actually a boom mic in the scene.
I’m surprised there haven’t been more boom shots. Actually, I’m impressed they have a boom.
So there’s one bike and one van in this movie…that makes chase scenes less intense.
The worst movie I ever saw for boom shots (seriously, that boom should have been nominated for best supporting actor) was P.S. I Love You. It was a terrible movie. The boom was a highlight.
You’re totally right, by the way. There’s one motorcycle, the shark van, and the classic Mustang the Pipeliners posed with a couple of times.
I love how in post-apocalyptic times they assume people will be wearing crazy amounts of smoky-eye make-up. WHERE WILL THEY GET IT?
Unless Leroy’s mom has a name we just haven’t heard yet and she says something like “Freeze, bitch!” to Eva, who responds “No, don’t shoot!” we’ve got a Bechdel fail on our hands, here.
She does have a name. It’s Eleanor “Mama” Washington. But yes, I imagine it’s a fail.
Again, I don’t think you can escape on a surfboard. You just come back to where you started.
And the fisherman gang makes a return!
Dude, we’re The Anglers!
Whoa, Eva’s decapitation is actually pretty realistic!
Also, they had one motorcycle, one van, and one mustang, but they must have had TWO BOATS!
That’s gross. It’s actually gross enough that I’m going to check my instinct and not screencap her severed floating head.
“Taste some of mama’s home-cooking, Adolf.” – Leroy’s mom, smoking a Swisher sweet
That was the most ridiculous movie.
My favorite character was Smeg’s mom.
Smeg’s mom was pretty great. Totally true to life.
And of course, Leroy’s mama. It’s pretty sad they were both known for the men they mothered.
The Pipeliner guy was a close third.
That wasn’t exactly bad-bad. It wasn’t exactly good-bad, either. I want to give it 2.5 stars.
Yeah, I feel the same. It was ridiculous, but I think it knew that, so that always helps. And there were a lot of other movies rolled into it, as Ben also pointed out.
2.5 stars seems fair.
Works for me.
We have a three-way tie for voting for what movie to watch next, so I’m going to leave it open for a bit. Head to our Facebook event for tonight to vote and I’ll announce the winner (and our next movie) there soon.
We’re off next week, in honor of Memorial Day (or something). And graduation. So tune in in two weeks (June 2) for another bad movie!
See you in two weeks!
Thanks for watching!