For tonight’s movie we’re going all the way back to the beginning. Or, our beginning at least. We started with a kung fu movie, The Game of Death, but we haven’t revisited that genre since. Until now.
Settle in for The Sorcerer and the White Snake. Chris Sawin of The Examiner called it “unfortunately just another average Jet Li film to throw into the pile. Its bloated and overloaded use of mediocre special effects practically shackles the film to its humdrum atmosphere.” If that’s not a ringing endorsement, we don’t know what is! The trailer says that “a holy warrior must confront the ultimate evil, even if it means forsaking one man’s chance at eternal love…” Who is that love? Why do some of the women have half-snake bodies? Is the action really non-stop? Is Jet Li better in this than The One? These and other burning questions will be answered tonight when we watch.
Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find yourself a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to The Sorcerer and the White Snake on Netflix, and pull up the chat starting at 9pm CDT.
Did you catch that? We’re also trying something new tonight: an open chatroom. You don’t just have to read what we have to say about the movie; you can chime in with your own commentary!
Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-blog at a time.
Because kung fu. And it’s a fun mustache, although, sadly, it doesn’t appear as though anyone sports one in this movie.
Bomb Voyage: For tonight’s cocktail, Bomberella made a beautiful Fu Manchu: [image]
Bomberella: It’s actually kind of good. And a little bit weird.
We’re almost ready to go. Feel free to join in! It’s a chat. So, chat at us.
Bomb Voyage: It’s like a daiquiri, but with kung fu.
Bomberella: Kung fu manchu…if you will.
Okay everyone. Push play
Apparently we are at the center of the universe
Going all the way back to the Big Bang
Bomb Voyage: I’m actually kind of nervous, because I’ve already watched this movie and I loved it, but then Bomberella posts this:
The Examiner called it “unfortunately just another average Jet Li film to throw into the pile. Its bloated and overloaded use of mediocre special effects practically shackles the film to its humdrum atmosphere.”
Bomberella: It’s hard to read and watch and type.
Bomb Voyage: On the upside, my screenshots will make more sense.
Bomberella: The voiceovers don’t match up with the sound but they aren’t in English, so…
Bomb Voyage: Subtitles make everything seem like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
Bomberella: I really wish I had taken Chinese instead of Spanish.
I’m pretty sure that Jet Li’s weapon is my friend’s mom’s old curtain rold
Also, I feel like those beads will become a hazard. As a fan of big jewelry, I usually take them off when I’m doing anything athletic. Like fighting. Or swirling.
Bomb Voyage: This is the evil sorceress: [image]
Bomberella: That was a long preface. My writing professor would say cut that down.
Other movies in which people’s essences have been trapped in a bowl: go!
All of Me – classic Steve Martin
That’s all I got.
Bomb Voyage: Backstory: Jet Li captures the evil sorceress in a bowl. Now she’s a fancy Chinese dish. [image]
Bomberella: Technically, I think it’s a pestle.
Bomb Voyage: I have no idea what that has to do with the rest of the movie, which is now about snake sisters. [image]
Pestle it is.
Bomberella: Who are also water snakes? Ummmm….
So she got legs to go underwater? Like the reverse of Ariel? And now they’re having their Splash moment?
Bomb Voyage: No, Cocoon. Except not with old people.
Or with aliens.
Bomberella: Or with pod people. Or in a pool. So, not like Cocoon at all.
CPR is not a joke.
It is real. – former lifeguard
Bomb Voyage: CPR IS LIKE DUDES KISSING OKAY
Bomberella: WHAT’S WRONG WITH DUDES KISSING? It’s 2015.
Bomb Voyage: Maybe not in ancient China.
Did we mention we’re actually hanging out together for this. It’s weird being in a chat room with someone sitting next to you on the couch.
Bomberella: I’m pretty sure there were gay people in ancient China. Maybe not overtly gay.
And yes, it is weird. But no Ben! Ben, where are you?
Bomb Voyage: Everything you want to know about homosexuality in China.
Bomberella: Bubble montage replaying the underwater kiss
And now, the tortoise and the hare.
“Nothing serious. I just want to look at him.” Sure, girl. I been there.
Bomb Voyage: Demons are cute. [image]
Bomberella thinks Buddhist bead necklaces look like anal beads.
Bomberella: Sam just informed me that everything cute in this movie is a demon. They’re all demons. ALL OF THEM.
Bomb Voyage: Which she’s basically right about.
tl;dr so far: Demon snake sisters are trying to pick up a human guy. Only they don’t look like demon snake sisters. They look like regular (albeit attractive) Chinese women.
Have the flutes stopped playing this entire movie so far?
Bomberella: And now a song derivative of the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies. because.
Bomb Voyage: I like this drink
Demon snake sisters are very forward.
Bomberella: It’s Lantern Night, guys! Lantern Night.
Bomb Voyage: SOMEONE ELSE HAS HIS HEART!
Bomberella: “That’s cool, I just want your soul.”
Bomb Voyage: Wait, who? The snake sisters are literally the only women we’ve seen so far.
Bomberella: Did they pass the Bechdel Test? It’s hard when you have to read and watch and type. But I think they may have.
Bomb Voyage: I don’t think so. I think they’ve only talked about him.
Bomberella: Dang. Bechdel Chicken strikes again.
Bomb Voyage: Oh, he’s in love with the lady in the water. SURPRISE it’s also the lady you’re talking to.
Bomberella: He doesn’t know that she’s the girl who has his heart, so she’s going to drown him so he gets it. True love.
Bomb Voyage: Oh, she’s got that overed.
How long can they hold their breath?
I bet they’re dead in real life.
Bomberella: Well, she is a demon. Do they need oxygen? He seems to.
Bomb Voyage: Phew. that would suck if the whole movie was about him not knowing that.
Bomberella: You guys! I just found out that you can be a mermaid. I am so said I missed that as a job out of college. But go here and check it out (Weeki Wachee Mermaids). http://www.weekiwachee.com/…
The town only has four permanent residents but 28 mermaids. And the mayor is a former mermaid.
Bomb Voyage: Demons! I will fight them with cymbals!
Bomberella: Cymbal sonic boom!
And now with bat women!
One of which turned into an actual bat and flew up his tunic at his crotch, then grew to bat demon size.
Bomb Voyage: Oh I see. The red evil demon at the beginning was to set the stage for Jet Li and his apprentice, who kill demons for a … living? Hobby?
Surely this will be pitted against the snake lady’s romance.
The kung fu of cymbals. [image]
Bomberella: “Find a job you like and you’ll never work a day in your life.” – My grandpa
Bomb Voyage: Does liveblogging bad movies count as a job?
Bomberella: I wish.
Bomb Voyage: Asking for a friend.
Bomberella: I wouldn’t say they’re spectacular, but I also wouldn’t say they’re mediocre.
But, then again, I have a big-butt old-school TV and VCR, so…
Is the ear guy the one who got bit by a bat? Sheesh! I thought rabies was bad.
Bomb Voyage: ^ Not a lie. There is actually an old CRT television and VCR in the corner of the room.
Bomberella: This music isn’t befitting a man almost committing suicide by hanging.
It’s a little too Nutcracker.
snipy: I am just hopping in to say that I would rather lick tar than drink that drink. What on earth is WRONG with you people?
Bomb Voyage: We’re in the middle of an angsty plot line wherein a demon hunter turns into the thing he hunts. It’s deep.
@snipy Hemingway drank daquiris. This is a close enough.
Bomberella: What? It’s actually pretty good. Certainly better than tar.
@snipy Didn’t you like the shameless Bitter Empire glass? It’s from your launch party.
Bomb Voyage: [image]
Bomberella: That White Snake lady just made bat boy lose at Taboo and now he can’t be a monkey’s uncle. Or something.
Bomb Voyage: She’s a bitch demon is what she is.
They’re getting a lot of mileage out of this song.
The Whitesnake. [image]
Here I go again on my own.
Going down the only road I’ve ever known.
Bomb Voyage: The Sorceror. [image]
Bomberella: We’re not even halfway through, and Sam and I both are confused as to who the sorcerer is.
Um, technically that’s the sorcerer’s apprentice, Sam.
snipy: A Hemingway reference is sure to make me dislike something actually
Bomb Voyage: I want to say Jet Li is the sorceror, but I think he hates magic.
snipy: And thank you for pimping BE. We’re going to do some Bitter Lawyer glasses at some point too
Isn’t someone else supposed to be here or is he an imaginary friend?
Bomberella: @snipy Sign me up for one. Also, I am not a fan of Hemingway. Is it because he has the vocabulary of a 6th grader?
Bomb Voyage: @snipy Thor couldn’t make it. I was looking forward to arm wrestling him.
Bomberella: Ben…he’s not imaginary. Just MIA.
snipy: An extremely dude 6th grader
sure, sure he is
Bomb Voyage: Jet Lie: “Ecstasy needs no sight.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN JET LI?
Er, Jet Li, not Lie.
Bomberella: ^Someone needs to cut back on the Fu Manchu
Bomb Voyage: Jet Li does not lie as far as I know.
Bomberella: I just showed Sam a picture of Ben. Proof!
Bomb Voyage: The demon lady is getting sick of pretending she isn’t a demon. This is bad, apparently.
Bomberella: Brett Bretterson, on the other hand, totally made up.
Bomb Voyage: The mouse demon is not happy with her.
Takeaway: subtitles are hard.
Bomberella: They totally missed out by not having Whitesnake’s “Is This Love” playing during the underwater kiss scene.
You could say, he’s a fool for her lovin’
Bomb Voyage: You can always go back and replay the scene with a new soundtrack. https://youtu.be/ujnH4yNqL8E
It’s like the trash compactor scene in Star Wars. Except with demon magic and kung fu.
R2! Shut down all the garbage mashers in the detention level!
Bomberella: Aaaaaand now it looks like my street. Which is under construction,
Bomb Voyage: [image]
Bro, do you even meditate?
Bomberella: I’m meditating right now, brah.
Bomb Voyage: I’m not sure what’s happening, but the white snake lady is a snake again.
Bomberella: Is she an albino snake? Because that would be cool.
Bomb Voyage: She’s snake-fighting Jet Li, who seems totally unphased.
Also, the special effects for that snake are way better than Anaconda. Which we should watch for this sometime.
Bomb Voyage: “You married a thousand-year-old snake demon.”
We should totally watch Anaconda. I remember seeing like 10 minutes of it and I hated those 10 minutes so much.
Bomberella: You can’t help who you love, Sam. You can’t help who you love.
He just wants some tail…
Bomb Voyage: Oh my GOD …
How did the white snake demon end up at the waterfall? I thought she ended up in the bowl?
Bomberella: I think it’s because of the subtitles. It’s too hard to read and write at the same time.
I loved that the mouse is voiced by a child, though.
And there’s now a sprout? But it looks like an octopus?
This is the longest climbing scene ever. Longer than Into Thin Air.
Bomb Voyage: Oh, I get it. The bowl is like the Ghostbusters’ trap thingy.
Now there are mandrakes.
Bomberella: He’s now being attacked by spirit herbs. And no one’s high.
Saved by flare!
Bomb Voyage: Okay, this movie is actually pretty bad.
Bomberella: Jennifer Anniston’s boss in Office Space would be so proud
Angry mob with torches!
The mouse just does not convey the urgency they were hoping for
But at least the music reflects the mood of the scene now.
I mean, it’s no Whitesnake, but…
Bomb Voyage: I totally promised Bomberella that there were badass women in this movie, and this movie made a liar out of me.
The snake demons are not badass women.
Bomberella: “I got spirit herb!” Not the spirit herb. Spirit herb. Like it’s a disease.
No, they are not badass women. Just bad.
Bomb Voyage: Although I think we passed the Bechdel Test at some point because the snake demons were talking about spirit essence or some shit.
This is like Ghostbusters!
All the demons are going to escape!
Now they’re being badass for a minute.
Nope, not even a minute.
Bomberella: The Ghostbusters meets Splash meets Star Wars meets that one where someone from heaven comes back from the dead meets Anaconda meets So I Married a Snake Demon meets my friend’s mom’s curtain rod.
Bomb Voyage: Can we watch So I Married a Snake Demon next?
Jet Li is not actually doing any kung fu in this movie.
Bomberella: Yes! Absolutely. It’s the sequel with Mike Meyers and Kirsten Wiig as the snake demon. It’s a rom-com.
Bomb Voyage: He’s just doing special effects. Which is only impressive if he’s able to like generate special effects from his weird weapon thing or something.
Tangent: We have agreement. Gigli was way worse than either of us thought it would be.
Bomberella: Oh no! The village built on a cliff near the ocean is totally going to be destroyed.
Bomb Voyage: That’s basically what happens to North Caroline every year.
Dammit, you can’t edit things in a chatroom.
Bomberella: North Caroline is near West Virgil.
Snake paper =/= flypaper
Bomb Voyage:Did I just kill the chat?
Bomberella: Yes. Yes you did.
Bomb Voyage:Well that sucks.
Here’s what I saved:
Bomberella: It’s okay. I mean, I was hilarious, but whatever.
Bomberella: Technical difficulties. Do you see why I prefer the old-fashioned way? And Sam just likes Old Fashioneds.
How have we not commented on the fact that the one guy (sorcerer? Ferryman?) is wearing a hairnet?
Jet Li is injured and lying on a pile of rubble in the middle of the flooded temple!
Bomb Voyage:Kung fu monks don’t know how to swim apparently.
Bomberella: But they can hold their breaths forever (because meditation) so it doesn’t matter.
Bat boy just saved the green snake, who tricked him into committing the three taboos. Is this love?
Bomb Voyage:I’m lost.
This is even the second time I’ve seen this movie and I have no idea what’s happening.
Bomberella: Sam is a bad movie watcher, apparently. In every sense.
This movie is like Buddhist propaganda
Bomb Voyage:I feel like I really need to go take kung fu classes.
Bomberella: I’d pay to see that.
Bomb Voyage:Can you just do that?
Bomberella: Sure. I know someone who has taught martial arts classes.
Bomb Voyage:I’m going to learn kung fu and then Ben and I can fight. I bet kung fu beats Vikings every day.
Bomberella: “The love we had…was it not real?”
Bomb Voyage:Nope. Guess not.
Bomberella: And I’m going to sell tickets to that fight and make a killing.
Okay, we’re almost an hour and a half into this movie and I’m not sure who we’re supposed to be rooting for.
Demon snake lady?
Bomb Voyage:Amitābha is “The Buddha of Immeasurable Life and Light” which means … something.
Bomberella: Hairnet guy? Jet Li in his statement necklace?
Bomberella: We’re rooting for love, obviously.
Bomberella: Oh barf.
Bomb Voyage:Kung fu love.
It’s like regular love, but with wires.
Bomberella: Well the fu love is correct.
but I’m not bitter or anything.
I mean, that’s not why I live-blog for Bitter Empire…
Bomb Voyage:Something about thousand years not being anything compared to a moment with you. Oh MY GOD this is so sappy.
Bomberella: Nothing like crying while kissing.
Bomb Voyage:I want to punch everybody but Jet Li in the face.
Bomberella: i want to punch you in the face for making me watch this terrible movie.
Bomb Voyage:Don’t punch Jet Li in the face. You’ll regret it even if he’s like 67 or whatever.
Bomberella: Just kidding. I wouldn’t do that. Violence is not the answer.
Bomb Voyage:Dharma is the answer.
Bomberella: And Jet Li is 52.
Like Dharma and Greg? Oooh, can we watch that?
Bomb Voyage:That and Amitābha, apparently.
Whitesnake would have been better for this closing scene.
Bomberella: Yessssssss! This would be a perfect time for “Here I Go Again On My Own” to start up.
Bomb Voyage:I just burst out laughing.
Bomberella: ^It’s true.
Bomb Voyage:Does this help? https://youtu.be/i3MXiTeH_Pg
Bomberella: Yes. Yes it does.
So…they don’t end up together?
Bomb Voyage:Ugh. That sucked.
Kung fu romances are not awesome.
Bomberella: Just the memory of their underwater kiss replayed in his mind?
Bomb Voyage:Now Jet Li is cool with demons?
I don’t know.
I take full responsibility for that travesty.
I thought I was recommending another movie, I swear.
Bomberella: That was a weird movie.
Bomb Voyage:Although bad movies are the point, after all.
Bomberella: Sure, the old “I thought I was recommending a different movie” trick.
SO, that was pretty bad. Not the worst I’ve/we’ve seen, but kind of lackluster.
Bomb Voyage:Okay, I bid on a kung fu movie and lost.
Bomberella: I’d give it 1.5 stars>
Bomb Voyage:I’d give it disappointed-the-shit-out-of-me stars.
Bomberella: So we’ve been discussing rom-coms to watch and we settled on Bad Johnson. It involves a detached penis. Need I say more?
Bomb Voyage:Oh god, it looks terrible. I can’t wait. http://www.netflix.com/WiMo…
NEXT WEEK, ON CINÉMA ATROCE!
Bomberella: Tune in next week and join our live chat!