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Cinéma Atroce: Vikingdom

  The Bomb Squad /   May 12, 2015 /   Critic, Live Blog /   Leave a Comment

How do you follow a WolfCop? With Vikings, of course! Or, a whole Vikingdom. The Village Voice called this movie “Viking Dumb” and “a B-movie gone amok,” in their review of the movie, titled “Vikingdom Trembles With Great Dumb Joy.” We’re just hoping that’s true.

The premise (that we surmise from the trailer) is that a dead king, Eirick, is brought back to life in order to duel Thor, played by someone named Conan. (No, really.) Eirick kills him a baar (like Davey Crockett), gathers some vikings and a lady friend, and sets off on his journey to do battle with the god of thunder.  The trailer promises hell-dragons, a pile of golden ladies, and enough kicking-while-sword-fighting action shots to make Chuck Norris wish he wielded a blade. (Roundhouses and rapiers? We’re in!) Underwater horses! Shirtless Eirick in snow! A really bad dye job! Oh, and apparently there’s another blood eclipse. Sheesh! We should watch out for those things.

Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail some mead, find yourself a comfy spot on the couch your bearskin rug, tune in to Vikingdom on Netflix, and pull up the liveblog starting at 9pm CDT.

Jump right down to the liveblog.

Tonight’s Movie

Tonight’s Bloggers

Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-blog at a time.

Tonight’s Cocktail

Tonight we will be drinking mead!

We don’t know how to make mead, but our friend Ben does. Because he’s secretly a viking. But you can make your own mead with honey, water, yeast, and about a month to let it ferment. Don’t have a month? You can also buy mead. There are actually a few stores in our area; for places you can buy mead, check out this website.

Tonight’s T-Shirt

Because, Vikings. I like to think of this as Brooks Bollinger’s number, but it’s a generic #9 Vikings Jersey.

 

Vikings Jersey

Tonight’s Liveblog

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:00 pm

I didn’t find any mead, so I’m drinking a proper Manhattan like a hipster Viking.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:01 pm

“Yeah, I’m wearing horns on my helmet, but only ironically.”

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:01 pm

Ben just arrived with the mead. Father of Thor! We’ll start the movie in 2.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:03 pm

Did someone say helmet?

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:04 pm

Okay everyone. Push play…NOW!

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:05 pm

I feel like we should be watching this on a Thursday. I mean, Thorsday.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:06 pm

Things do not look good from the get-go. The hero is “mortally wounded.”

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:06 pm

But, James Coyne, the writer of this, is a stud.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:06 pm

“My story begins the day I died.” Really? Usually that’s when people’s story ends. What the hell were you doing with your life?

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:06 pm

I have confidence that the hero is going to be okay.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:07 pm

Also, Stonehenge.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:07 pm

Wait, Stonehenge is in the UK, not Norway.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:08 pm

Breaking: Thor was a redhead.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:08 pm

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Don’t get bogged down in historical accuracy.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:08 pm

Also, Thor’s hair looks like a Raggedy Ann wig.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:09 pm

“Quick, close the door! That will stop them!”

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:09 pm

“You’re letting all the heat out!”

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:09 pm

Thor’s helmet is too big for him. But so are the others.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:10 pm

“I’m high on mead! I can jump over a wall! Raaaawoorowhrrh”

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:10 pm

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:10 pm

I am really confident the Vikings didn’t use Roman battle tactics. Or catapult people over walls.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:10 pm

Yesssssssssssssssssssssss!

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:11 pm

I mean, I remember kids dyeing their hair with Kool-aid and having it turn out like that.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:11 pm

Look at that, Thor doesn’t  know how to use a door.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:11 pm

That is the biggest Mjolnir I’ve ever seen.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:11 pm

Do you think the director asked Chris Hemsworth if he wanted this role? 

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:12 pm

And for some reason it makes lightsaber sounds.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:13 pm

It’s like Hagrid lost 100 pounds and got into some red dye #5

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:14 pm

Seriously, look at this shit:

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:15 pm

I do not want to be on the receiving end of that.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:15 pm

Apparently, the bears in Norway don’t have claws.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:16 pm

Somebody needs to teach Eirick about layering.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:16 pm

Frey: The God of Fancy Frocks. As Ben pointed out, “He’s bedazzled his hair.” 

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:17 pm

But they’re drinking mead! Skol!

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:18 pm

14 minutes in: three references to mead.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:19 pm

Frey’s sister = Freya. She gave Eirick life after death. And she gave Frey her dress after she was done with it.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:21 pm

“Wind to your back, Viking.” 

“Clear skies above.” 
“Goldschlager hair.” 
Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:22 pm

Freyr “rides the shining dwarf-made boar Gullinbursti and possesses the ship Skíðblaðnir which always has a favorable breeze and can be folded together and carried in a pouch when it is not being used.”

Sounds awesome.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:23 pm

Ben is pointing out all the inaccuracies with this movie: It’s mid-guard, not mead-guard, and the city is Trondheim, not Trondenheim. 

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:23 pm

And now we’re in Ireland…who is the dialect coach in this movie?

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:24 pm

“Damn you, put my dwarf back in his box!”

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:25 pm

A Norse, a Norse! Vikingdom for a Norse!

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:26 pm

“Put your weapons down.”

“Um, we didn’t draw them yet, but thanks for reminding us we have them.”

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:27 pm

The Norse history and mythology here is accurate everything you know about Norse history and mythology comes from a drunken conversation between Marvel screenwriters that you overheard while tripping on acid.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:27 pm

Asian character knows martial arts and speaks broken English. *sigh* Really?

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:28 pm

Touché.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:29 pm

There is much mead and mutton being consumed.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:30 pm

So to sum up so far, Eirick is a king or something, and he dies in a battle. Thor comes back and starts stealing Christian relics because he doesn’t like Jesus. Freyja turned Eirick into some kind of zombie warrior that can go to Hel for a horn that will make Thor go away if he blows it during the “blood eclipse.” Also they meet a martial artist. Thai, I think.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:32 pm

“Any man here who would be a Viking, come. Follow me. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?”

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:32 pm

Wait, you can just become a Viking? It’s like a job?

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:33 pm

That seems like a good idea. Put a bunch of volunteers who don’t know anything about sailing in a boat on a journey to fight Thor. 

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:33 pm

Please submit your resume and cover letter at the mead hall.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:34 pm

Valkaries need not apply.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:34 pm

Love the wig-maker for this movie, though.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:34 pm

“Any more men?” Well duh now a woman is going to show up.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:34 pm

I predict she kicks someone’s ass in the next scene.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:35 pm

She definitely should beat up the person who made that shirt. It’s Norway. When would a crop-top with tank sleeves be a good idea?

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:36 pm

Oh she just bought the boat. The beatings have been postponed.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:36 pm

Seriously, they couldn’t have come up with a team of bitchin’ warrior ladies?

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:36 pm

Ugh. Thor is a manspreader. Shocker.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:37 pm

Oh, I wish, Bomb Voyage. I’m sure there were some pretty badass Viqueens. No joke intended. But men wrote history, so…

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:37 pm

Ben made his mead with orange blossom honey. Just in case you were wondering. It is delicious. A little sparkling. Very good.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:38 pm

Also, we think that Eirick and the lady end up together. Because of course.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:38 pm

If you say blood eclipse fast, it sounds like bloody clips. I don’t know what that would be but it sounds gross.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:39 pm

Silver-haired guy who hides his face is a shady character. Calling it now.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:39 pm

“I could smell the stench of a traitor amongst us.”
His voiceovers just sort of randomly show up when they can’t figure out how to tell the story without smacking you in the face with it.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:40 pm

But there is no way the shady-looking guy is also the traitor. The writer can’t be that bad.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:40 pm

Are you sure?

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:40 pm

The set looks like a Macy’s holiday display.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:41 pm

They had a deal on Santaland, okay? No one was using it at night. Gosh.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:41 pm

Shouldn’t there be more blonds? We are in Scandinavia, right?

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:41 pm

The Viqueen is definitely not dressed for this weather.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:42 pm

I’d post a screen capture, but they aren’t uploading properly.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:42 pm

Also the line of archers who clearly have no idea how to operate their bows.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:42 pm

Ben says the Craigslist post for this asked who wants to make $50 (shirt optional) and these were the vagabonds who showed up that day.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:42 pm

And why would you break a spear that was working?

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:43 pm

I keep hearing Xena in the background. Am I just imagining that?

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:43 pm

And OMG could we give the ONE woman a full shirt? It’s winter.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:44 pm

I guess since it’s Macy’s snow, it’s not a big deal.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:45 pm

I know why the caged wizard bargains.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:46 pm

Treebeard the earth wizard.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:47 pm

Time is against us, but let’s hang out by this raging bonfire.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:48 pm

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:48 pm

So, the bearded wizard is shivering in his full clothes and robe, but lady (whose name we still don’t know?) just casually drapes her cape over her shoulders in a way that covers nothing.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:49 pm

According to IMDB, her name is Brynna. And she’s the ONLY WOMAN IN THIS MOVIE.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:50 pm

I’m pretty sure this movie is going to pass the Bechdel Test, though.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:50 pm

Wait for it …

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:50 pm

And now she’s rubbing his chest down with Vicks vapo-rub.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:51 pm

“I don’t know if you’re the bravest man I’ve ever met or the biggest fool,” but I’m going to keep rubbing shit on you anyway.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:51 pm

Waterhorses? But not seahorses?

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:52 pm

The horses were weird as shit.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:52 pm

“You will like this movie if you are five to eight years old.” From the reviews. 

“I’d rather be forced to watch Twilight again than watch this movie.” Yikes.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:52 pm

“It’s so bad you might give up watching movies altogether.”

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:53 pm

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:54 pm

Were you joking about the Bechdel test? Because I’m pretty sure it doesn’t pass. They have to have names. They have to have names.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:54 pm

And now he’s battling zombies in what looks like a laser tag room.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:54 pm

“What should we do to make this seem like a scary magical sea?”
“I dunno. How about some horses?”

“Like sea horses?”

“No dude. Horses. I found some stock footage of horses swimming. We can just put them around him and it will seem scary and magical.”

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:55 pm

The fact that there’s only one woman with a name is only going to make it more impressive when this movie finally passes the Bechdel Test.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:55 pm

All of the horses were upside down. That’s what made it so weird.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:56 pm

It can’t pass if there’s only one woman with a name. That’s the whole point. 

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:56 pm

That’s pretty fucked up that you go all the way to Hel and meet your zombie dad only to have him tell you that you were adopted.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:56 pm

I feel like you’re really giving up on this Bechdel Test thing without giving this movie a fair trial.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:57 pm

Correction. There are more women. They’re painted gold and have no names and apparently LOVE Eirick.

Pile of women.
The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:57 pm

They have no names, though.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:57 pm

See, right there. A whole mountain of golden women. Wait for it …

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:58 pm

I think that “forever!” one was a dude in a wig, though.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:58 pm

He didn’t have to go very far into that pile of women to get the horn. 
That sounds dirty.

Also, THEY HAVE TO HAVE NAMES THAT WE KNOW. 

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:58 pm

Ben asked if we thought that Mitt Romney would have been helped with the piles full of women instead…

Bomb Voyage May 12, 20159:59 pm

I’m having a really good time baiting you on this Bechdel Test thing, though.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 20159:59 pm

Silver-hair’s wig is too far forward. Someone should tell him.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:00 pm

And I’m going to ignore you from now on about the Bechdel test because it hurts me to my core.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:00 pm

What did that Craigslist ad for the pile of women look like, though? 

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:00 pm

Papier maché dragon! Woo hoo!

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:01 pm

I’m pretty sure I saw a pair of human legs running under the dragon.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:02 pm

I’m at a loss for jokes. That’s the worst special effect I’ve ever seen.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:02 pm

Underwater = Eirick’s fortress of solitude.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:02 pm

Look out for the shrieking eels!

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:03 pm

Yes, this is definitely the same set and water as The Princess Bride. I believe that’s the same boat, but with 20 years of rotting.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:03 pm

This blurry shape is the Hel hound or something.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:04 pm

That whole scene was like the reverse of the “Luke, I’m your father” speech. “Eirick, I am not your father.”

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:04 pm

He should have had Maury tell him.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:04 pm

I wish I knew how to become impervious to cold like basically everyone in this movie.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:05 pm

Plot update. A bunch of things happened, there was some dialogue, and now Eirick has the horn.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:05 pm

Right? I mean, Eirick was just swimming in the arctic and he doesn’t even have a towel.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:05 pm

“It’s cool, we’re just drifting past some ice chunks. Nbd. I definitely don’t need a coat.” – Brynna

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:06 pm

“They said I should blow the horn in the face of Thor, so…what should I do?”

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:07 pm

You can’t have a Viking movie without an eye patch. 

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:09 pm

We drink mead in this hall, sir.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:09 pm

Ben and I are discussing the nuances of Vikings v. Raiders v. Pirates v. Marauders. And no, I don’t mean the sports teams. 

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:10 pm

You forgot Geats.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:10 pm

The dialect coach is winning! “Bye-zen-tine Empire.” Yep.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:10 pm

Ugh, it’s not “bye-zan-tine” you idiot.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:10 pm

Geats? 

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:10 pm

Like Beowulf?

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:11 pm

Geats/Goths. Most of these names actually sound like they belong to Geats, not Vikings.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:12 pm

These don’t look like the Goths I know.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:12 pm

They do seem to contemplate death most of the time, however.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:13 pm

Less eyeshadow though.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:13 pm

Yes, but with a lot less eyeliner.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:13 pm

Forestbeard the elderberry can make fog!

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:13 pm

He’s like Storm, but older and dustier.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:14 pm

Those bows are super inconvenient in narrow stairwells.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:15 pm

I love the helmets that cover the nose. No one’s going to punch that guy.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:15 pm

I’m going to light you on fire, and then beat the crap out of you.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:16 pm

I wonder if those helmets actually got a lot of use. I feel like they’d work really well for a few minutes, and then you’d be all cross-eyed and totally useless in battle.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:16 pm

Plus they’d be hard to wear glasses with.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:16 pm

“Don’t call me m’lady.”

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:17 pm

How you know Eirick’s given up: he’s not secured with a lock, just some rope, but he can’t break out. 

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:18 pm

Wikipedia’s helmet entries are a goddamn rabbit hole.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:18 pm

It’s Norway, they just sailed past some glaciers, we’re in an open-air drafty castle, and they’re sweating like it’s New Orleans in July.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:19 pm

Forestbeard the elderberry is the betrayer! Whaaaaaaaaaaat?!

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:20 pm

1:15 in and we haven’t even gotten to Thor.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:20 pm

Also, I think I understand why Forestbeard was in a cage.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:20 pm

Wait, how could he smell the druid before they even landed in the town where they found him?

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:21 pm

Oh, it’s on. “I’m now wearing a bedsheet. Please let me clean your chest.”

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:22 pm

“I’m here to give you what only a woman can.”
“I promised my heart to another. Years ago.” 

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:22 pm

So…Brynna is really Freya?

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:23 pm

“I will save you yet again. Please try not to die anymore, okay?”

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:24 pm

I’m weirded out by the fact that Freya is basically telling Eirick to get it on with that other woman.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:24 pm

“I brought you back to life so you could live.”

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:25 pm

“Is it cool if I look in the mirror while we do it?”

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:25 pm

“If you take me, I’m yours.”

“I’ll think about it.”…for about two seconds.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:26 pm

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:26 pm

That’s his O face.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:26 pm

That’s his scared face.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:26 pm

He looks terrified.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:27 pm

There’s a German guy in charge of the army for some reason.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:27 pm

Because dialect coach.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:27 pm

Thor the manspreader on his clover throne.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:27 pm

I think the director was just like “Do you know how to do an accent? No, I don’t care what accent. Yeah, Lithuanian is fine. Whatever is cool. Just do it.”

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:28 pm

Hahaha, yes!

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:28 pm

One of the reviews I read compared Thor’s hair to the Wendy’s girl.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:28 pm

It’s like Ronald McDonald got a hair straightener and some steroids.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:28 pm

My photochop earlier was pretty accurate actually.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:29 pm

And a kilt.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:29 pm

It was.

Don’t you dare touch my Mjolnir.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:30 pm

“Put the hammer down.”

“Bad move, he really likes his hammer.”

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:30 pm

I love how Thor was just lounging this whole time.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:30 pm

And you can tell we’re on a journey because the music with the drums tells us so.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:31 pm

“Put the hammer down.”

“Bad call, he really loves his hammer.”

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:32 pm

The Instagram filters really do compensate for the bad lighting and set design.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:33 pm

I’m putting “army” in quotation marks because there are like 50 guys there.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:33 pm

I really hope we have a Guardians of the Galaxy-type dance-off here.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:33 pm

I love the yadda yadda yadda cuts during his going-to-battle speech.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:34 pm

Thor has at least 75 soldiers in his army.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:36 pm

I wonder how many people were “killed” and then got up to be killed again by someone else. 

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:36 pm

Wait, is the warrior lady Brynna or Freyha now?

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:36 pm

I wonder how many people were “killed” only to get up and be killed again by someone else.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:37 pm

The Muay Thai warrior sure knows how to flourish angrily with a sword.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:37 pm

This movie would be better if there were a dance-off. Just sayin’.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:38 pm

And now the lady has a whip?

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:38 pm

Worst way to die: by your own sword.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:42 pm

Who was the colorist on this movie? Ben says it’s close to Schindler’s List with the black/white/red; I say it’s like every M. Night Shymalan movie.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:42 pm

Son of Odin, hello!

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:42 pm

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:43 pm

Twist! Thor is Eirick’s dad! Whaaaaaaaat?!

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:43 pm

This just took an Oedipal turn.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:44 pm

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:44 pm

Aw man, it just got real. Their shirts came off.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:45 pm

Vikings can’t fight with shirts on.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:45 pm

“You have a sword, I have my hammer, but let’s forget all that and just wrassel.”

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:45 pm

I’m pretty sure Mjolnir actually does make lightsaber noises.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:45 pm

Also, Ben pointed out that it’s kind of anti-Bechdel to have the ONE woman and the ONE minority character in every scene together. I have to agree.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:46 pm

It’s not anti-Bechdel. It’s advanced Bechdel.

Also patronizing.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:47 pm

Nooooooooooooo! They killed Brynna!

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:47 pm

Haha, he just kicked Thor in the nuts.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:47 pm

Again, worst way to die: Killed by your own weapon.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:48 pm

And no, I don’t think “nuts” are Thor’s weapon.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:49 pm

I forgot that there was the weird Christian element to this. 

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:50 pm

Freyr is angry about Christianity.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:50 pm

Blood Eclipse!

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:51 pm

Why is the blood eclipse like a hurricane?

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:51 pm

Mental note: you can’t kill Thor with his own hammer.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:51 pm

Twist again! Forestbeard the elderberry didn’t actually betray Eirick. He switched the horn!

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:52 pm

And now there’s a wormhole…

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:53 pm

“I’m at peace. I have a glorious death.” -Brynna

Of course they kill the ONE woman.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:54 pm

The dead Vikings look pretty peaceful…wait…fire

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:54 pm

Viking funerals are pretty awesome, actually.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:54 pm

Guardians of the Holy Relics =/= Guardians of the Galaxy

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:55 pm

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:56 pm

Well, that was awful. I mean, entertaining. But terrible. 2 out of 5 for me. Would have gotten more if it had approached passing the Bechdel test.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:56 pm

I’ll give it a 2. I had low expectations, and it pretty much met them, so there’s that.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:57 pm

I mean, there weren’t any women in the background. Where do these scriptwriters think people come from? 

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:57 pm

So, solidly 2. Yep.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:57 pm

But honestly, if you want to watch a bad Viking movie and be entertained, The 13th Warrior is a better choice. It has one of the dumbest plots I’ve ever seen, Antonio Banderas as an Arab warrior, and it’s still better than this travesty.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:58 pm

So, Viking Dumb, huh? 

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201510:58 pm

But kudos to the wigmaker.

Bomb Voyage May 12, 201510:59 pm

Vikingdumb indeed.

The Bomb Squad May 12, 201511:00 pm

Well, thanks for joining us, everyone! Tune in next week when we’ll be watching Surf Nazis Must Die. Not sure what we’ll pair it with, but check back soon! And hopefully there will be women talking to other women at some point. 

Filed Under: Critic, Live Blog Tagged With: Cinéma Atroce, The Bomb Squad, Vikingdom

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