Confirming Letters from My Father, a Lawyer

This letter confirms our conversation in the breakfast room on March 10, 2012, in which I said “Good morning,” and you said “whatevs.” This also confirms that, for reasons I believe were apparent, we did not discuss matters further.

This letter confirms last night’s discussion over dinner in which you indicated that you “never really liked” your mother’s chicken fricassee or her jambalaya. This was the first time I had heard you indicate such a preference to me or to your mother. Based on our discussion, it is unlikely your mother will serve either of these dishes in the near future. Please inform me in advance if this should otherwise not be the case. Also, for the record, we were eating paella.

This letter confirms my email conversation with you this morning in which I expressly asked if you could arrange the return of the weed wacker that you and your friend “Eddie Van Halen” borrowed last week. You responded with “sure” but did not otherwise expound on your answer nor indicate an appropriate timeframe for the return of the lawn instrument. I do not plan to follow-up our email discussion further other than to confirm it now through this correspondence.

This letter confirms receipt of two dollars from you, which was immediately applied to your outstanding balance of $14.55. Please understand that, if I do not receive full payment from you by the end of the week, the balance of the debt will be repaid by applying future allotments of your allowance to the outstanding principal of the loan then remaining. I trust you understand the importance of prompt repayment. While I appreciate that your HotWheels Monster Jam Boneyard Bash no longer functions properly, this in no way relieves you from an otherwise valid debt.

This letter confirms our discussion yesterday afternoon. Per our conversation, you told me to “lay off” after I inquired about your grades. Notwithstanding the foregoing, I would appreciate your apprising me of your grades as soon as possible. Additionally, in the future please refrain from calling me “Captain.”

This letter confirms my phone conversation with you yesterday afternoon in which you said you were doing fine, after which I referred further questions to your mother, to whom I handed the phone. If you believe I referred you to your mother in error, please inform me at your earliest convenience.

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