In the course of my 35 year professional career, in entertainment, media and technology, I have been given the following “helpful” “feedback”:
- “You’re too loud.”
- “You need to speak up more.”
- “Don’t argue so much.”
- “You need to defend your points better!”
- “You’re not nice. You need to be nicer.”
- “Don’t be such a bitch!”
- “You can be a bitch, or you can be the nice girl who doesn’t work here any more.” (The Managing Director of the company)
- “You’re too negative! Don’t say ‘no’!”
- “You can’t always be telling the client ‘yes’!”
- “You can’t sigh in meetings.”
- “People would like you more if they knew how you felt. You’re very flat.”
- “You need to smile more!”
- “When you smile it seems insincere and not very professional; this isn’t Girl Scouts.”
- “You have to be more professional and watch your facial expressions in meetings. Try to be more even-keel.”
- “People complain they can’t figure out what you want because you’re very stone-faced.”
- “I’ve gotten some complaints about how you look at people during meetings. When you look over the top of your glasses at them, it seems condescending.”
- “You make too many jokes in meetings, it seems like you don’t respect the company.”
- “You need to loosen up and have more of a sense of humor; if people like you they’ll want to work with you.”
- “Here’s some advice: you don’t need to use big words to prove that you’re smart. People think you’re showing off.”
- “Words mean things; why didn’t you say that if that’s what you meant.”
- “You get too emotional over projects.”
- “You don’t seem very invested in this project. Maybe I should assign someone else to work on it?”
- “You need to be more assertive in following up with people on their assignments.”
- “You like to be bossy, don’t you?” (Response from person when I followed up to ask them if they’d completed a task assigned to them.)
None of this is actually useful feedback. Feedback is helpful when it’s specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely, also known as SMART. If managers or superiors or coworkers or peers can’t give you feedback that meets the SMART criteria, listen, think about it, and take action on it only if it makes sense. But think about it first, because chances are you’ll get the opposite feedback next week, month, year, client, or job. You need to do what you need to do to survive, but try to not internalize nonsense feedback or take it as a personal failing, particularly when what you are supposed to be, in the eyes of others, can change from moment to moment.
Send your queries to: COPRAL@bitterempire.com
[Post image via Shutterstock]