Darwin at Work

What a strange week of news. Geraldo Rivera said everyone wearing a hoodie is violent. Couldn’t be more correct. SAT question: Hoodie is to criminals as big bushy moustache is to _______. Go ahead and fill-in pedophile on the scantron. Doesn’t matter if you report the ‘news’ or drive around in an Astrovan talking about free candy. It’s like the old saying goes: Guns don’t kill people, kids with sweatshirts and a bag of Skittles kill people. Something like that, right Geraldo?

In “People Famous for No Reason News” Kim Kardashian was flour bombed this week. An unidentified woman, we’ll call her Hero, tossed a bag of flour at the reality star as she walked the red carpet. Paramedics were called to the scene. Kim K., however, refused treatment. What a trooper. I really don’t see what the big deal is considering the only reason Kim Kardashian is famous in the first place is for getting covered in white stuff.

Police say Dennis Fancy, 63, grabbed a knife and stabbed his 81-year old roommate over a dispute about the television volume. Probably took the last Werther’s Original too. The victim is said to be in the hospital with non-life threatening injuries, other than being 81-years-old. While stabbing someone over what I can only presume was the volume of Wheel of Fortune is probably an overreaction, the rules of television are shades of gray. The question that must be asked is “whose house and who owned the TV?”

There is nothing worse than when someone comes into your castle and takes over control of the TV. Have some couth people. The TV and the iPod playlist; two things you shouldn’t touch in a person’s home without permission. Here it is pretty difficult because they are roommates. Thus, if the octogenarian owned the TV then Mr. Fancy needs to be locked up. However, if it was his TV, I’m not saying he isn’t going to jail, but at least it is a little justified.

Speaking of people who are about to die. Joerg-Werner Lubbe is off his rocker. The 68-year-old German has been arrested for allegedly lacing chocolate Easter bunnies with rat poison and leaving them for children to find. Apparently in Germany, the Easter tradition includes decorating gardens with easter-themed objects. Lubbe was furious at neighborhood children for taking previous candy that was in his yard. Three children went to the doctor following their chocolate loot.

Old people. Hell hath no fury greater than the wrath of an old person. I think it stems from having to stab people with bayonets in WWII. Generally you can just scam them into signing over their social security numbers and life savings while they think they are joining Facebook (which they won’t now how to use). But there are certain things you cannot mess with and an old person’s lawn is top on the list. It doesn’t matter how many kids they might need to kill so long as their yard is maintained to perfection. Combine yard decoration and a holiday and game over. Old Man Lubbe isn’t putting those chocolates in his garden for greedy little kids. How else is he to celebrate the resurrection of Christ than with chocolate bunnies? It’s Jesus 101, kids.

Police, firefighters, Michigan State Police and the Coast Guard were called to Benton Harbor pier following a 911 call alerting authorities that three people were in the water. Bonnie Miller was a victim of her own stupidity when she walked off the pier while trying to text. Miller says she is using this event to warn others to not walk and text. How about you use the opportunity to pay Michigan back for saving your dumb ass? How pissed would you be to have to rescue this lady? If you walk into Lake Michigan you deserve to not be rescued. That’s just Darwin at work.

Post image from Shutterstock.com

  • https://twitter.com/#!/NotanElle Not an Elle

    Easily my favorite one of these yet. Well done and well written. Thanks!