Dear Bitter Convict: Help! My Attorney is Worthless.

Bitter Convict Columns, Lawyer 4 Comments

Bitter Lawyer’s newest columnist is the anonymous Bitter Convict. He will be here to answer reader submitted questions about criminal cases. Before getting into this week’s question, we asked Bitter Convict to discuss his background.

Hi all this is Bitter Convict here to answer all of your law related questions. My resume is packed full of legal experience so you get the best advice out there. I have been convicted of three felonies and 21 misdemeanors. I sued my neighbors, friends, and family several times. I have been sued myself a total of four times, was divorced 3 times and I currently do not have custody of any of my seven children due to various legal proceedings. I have so much experience in the court system that I’m often forced to explain the law to my lawyer! So, I’m here to answer your questions at no cost to you as community service is one of the conditions of my parole!

Our Question

Hi Bitter Convict, I have been charged recently for committing several crimes that were really no big deal at all. My attorney spends all of his time explaining jail sentencing schemes and legal elements of the crimes I’m accused of committing instead of actually helping me! He even tells me not to talk about my case to other people. If I can’t talk about it, I can’t defend myself! All I did was get really high on meth with some of my friends. We decided that we were going to rough up one of our other friends because she didn’t come out with us that night. So, we each grabbed bricks (the police don’t know about the bricks, my attorney was real clear to keep quiet about that) and then we broke into her house to attack her. She wasn’t there, so we smoked all of her meth and then we totally trashed her place. Really, it could have been so much worse. I don’t see what all of the ruckus is about. And of course my attorney keeps telling to stop staying that. What can I do to make sure I am getting adequate representation? Is there a way for me to make sure my lawyer is fighting for me?

Julia Superguilty

Bitter Convict’s Answer

Hi Julia! I’m glad you asked this question. This is a common problem with defense attorney types (public pretenders amirite?) They spend a lot of time talking and not a lot of time actually helping you! Luckily, I have a few tips to help you keep your attorney spinning his wheels for you.

First, never ever tell your attorney the truth. This is Bitter Convict’s rule number one! We all know from watching Matlock that once your attorney knows the truth about you, they will work hard to put you behind bars. Ignore their desperate pleas that “they are trying to help you” and stick to your best lie or lies. In fact, I recommend telling several different lies at various points during your case. This will keep your attorney on his or her toes and will keep them fighting for YOU!

Secondly, make sure your attorney knows you want to talk! The best way to get their attention is to call them over and over again until they pick up the phone. Each time you call, leave them a lengthy message, hang up and call again. I generally like to do that for an hour or two every day with my attorney. If their phone is ringing for two hours a day with phone calls from you, you will be on the top of their minds!

Third, get a good settlement offer! If your attorney claims that it’s impossible to get what you want  because of some fact . . blah . . . blah . . . blah . . .stop them right then and there and scream and berate them until they change the offer. Remember, your attorney probably slept with the DA in law school. They are friends. The time they pretend to be negotiating on your behalf is really just how long it takes them to make dinner plans for tonight!

Finally, whenever speaking to your attorney, you need to constantly remind them their job is to  FIGHT FOR YOU. Otherwise, they will tend to forget these things as they aren’t very bright and need constant reminding.

With these little tips, you will have your attorney spending a lot time on your case! I employed these tactics through each of my criminal convictions! They will serve you just as well as they served me!

Until Next Time,

Bitter Convict OUT! (in five to ten years)

(image: Convict criminal in striped uniform via Shutterstock)

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  • writenow

    Not only is this a criminal waste of space….I will never get those heartbeats back wasted reading it.

  • Hawkeye

    Too bad it wasn’t funny.

  • Albert

    My life is a mystery,how I saw my husband making love with
    our house help,I couldn’t believe my eyes,it was horrible. I got
    vexed,threatened her life and ignorantly took the law into my hands. She was
    having a recorder on when I threatened her,which she already gave to an officer
    when she went to report her life was threatened in the police station. So when
    she died two days time,that was an evidence against me in court,I was worried
    and didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in jail. And fortunately for me,I
    read some ones testimony just the way you are reading mine,so I contacted the
    priest from africa who helped her and today am proud to say he helped me too.
    To cut the long story short,he bought some materials and he worked for me and
    all evidence against me disappeared,so the judge had no choice,but passed a
    judgment favourable to me. And today am free,not a convict nor
    ex-convict,back with my husband and kids. I now have a happy/lovely family.
    Priest azagba can still aid you,you can mail him on this e-mail;
    i cant give out his number cos he told

    me he don’t want to be disturbed by many people across the world..he

    said his email is okay and he’ will replied to any emails asap..hope

    he helped u out too..good luck his email;

  • writenow

    I do stand up on occasion …. And everyone laughs in the right places. But this missed every, comedic marker.