Dear Crabby:
I think my roommate is crazy, but I’m not sure. I want to move out but don’t know if I’m overreacting.
She seems perfectly normal, she has a high powered job as a lawyer, has actual friends and a social life, goes skiing and hiking. But I came home yesterday and found a fork in my bed. Like, I turned down the covers and it was there. When I asked about it, she told me,”Next time, don’t leave dishes in the sink.” I said, “But it was one fork and it was from this morning.”
She also won’t let me put anything in the common areas. My Aunt Linda brought me a vase back from Venice. We have this big old fireplace in the living room with an old fashioned mantlepiece thing, and I thought the vase would look nice there. But she keeps moving it off the mantle and to a crowded bookshelf where you can’t see it. I also can’t hang a coat in the coat closet. She keeps saying, “We’ll discuss it,” but not sure what there is to discuss about a coat closet in a common area.
There are other things, but I ignore most of them because there are three of us in one house and we’re all human. But the fork thing has me wondering.
Signed,
Are You Going To Read About Me On Buzzfeed In A Few Months
Dear AYGTRAMOBIAFM,
First of all, please go get that lovely vase from Aunt Linda and pack it up or take it to your mom’s for a while. The next time you put it on the mantle I am worried you’re going to find it in pieces.
The short answer is that there is definitely something wrong with your roommate, and you should probably look for another place to live as quickly as time permits. So, yes, please, get out.
I am pretty sure that you know that already, hence your charming signature on your note.
So now that’s out of the way, can we talk about how you need to be willing to trust yourself more, and honor your ability to judge situations, good and bad. I am saying this because it is a very hard thing to do, and the longer you wait to start actively ldoing it, the harder it is to cultivate this in yourself. Trusting your instincts is one of the best skills you can ever have. It will serve you in both your personal and your professional life.
It doesn’t matter whether you have a hunch that the client is lying, or that that dude across the subway from you gives you a bad feeling, or if you are sure that your friend isn’t telling you the truth about what happened at the party — chances are that you are right each and every single one of those times. But society has worked double time to beat that instinct right out of you so that you question everything. So you hesitate, you second-guess yourself, you don’t respect your own opinion on something.
When I was a young Crabby, I had it beat into my head that I needed to always add qualifiers to everything I said, so that “people would listen.” “I think,” “I feel,” “I’m not sure, but I wonder…” until I stopped even opening my mouth to say something, or taking action against something, and all of that is fucking BULLSHIT. You know, and you know you know, and instead of standing on it and being firm in it, you have been socialized to ignore it.
“But what if I’m wrong, Crabby Lady?” Oh my god, so fucking what. Go read some stories about dudes in Silicon Valley and the amplitude of the mistakes they are allowed to make. They are praised for “taking risks” or “being bold.” I want YOU to take risks and be bold. I want you to trust yourself. I want you to practice using your instincts, practice honoring your first idea, practice listening to what that voice inside of you that you ignore or feel embarrassed about. Society has a lot to gain by making women be afraid of themselves.
Don’t be afraid.
And about your roommate: think about what would make you feel safer, and then do those things. Don’t second-guess yourself, just do them. Don’t worry about what the crazy roommate says, either, or anyone else for that matter. Maybe that’s locking your room door.
My other suggestion would be to not tell her you’re looking to move out. Wait until you find a place and have put down a deposit before giving notice, and give her as little notice as possible; by that I mean if your agreement is that you have to give her one month’s notice, give that to her, but don’t give her anything more than that, and don’t discuss your apartment search with her. Interact with her as little as possible. You’ll be fine, but let’s get you out of there.
Love,
Crabby
Do you have a real life problem? Concerned about adulting? Need some help? The Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady is here to help! Email her at COPRAL@bitterempire.com
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