Do Guys Actually Reject Girls Because They're Intimidated by Them?

Law Firm 10 / April 17, 2012 / Columns, Law Firm 10, Lawyer / 121 Comments

It’s pretty hard to take the sting out of being rejected by a guy after a month or so of semi-serious dating, especially when the signs seemed to be indicating a reasonable likelihood of success. Sadly, I find myself in this situation a little too often, so by now I’ve got a system for dealing with my hurt feelings and bruised ego in the immediate wake of being rejected. It typically involves a great deal of drunken analysis, the focus of which is to compile a list of non-threatening answers to the question—“Why didn’t he want me?”—and I’ve had a lot of success with this approach for the past couple of years. Until recently, that is, since I’ve started to notice an alarming trend:

In three of my last four rejections, I concluded that the guy ended things with me because I intimidated him.

I call this trend “alarming” because I usually consider it delusional to blame a guy’s lack of interest on intimidation. “He was just intimidated by your awesomeness!” is a phrase that I’ve always thought of as the battle cry for cheesy, brainless girls who are totally lacking in any charming or marketable attributes whatsoever. You know, the kinds of girls who think they’re coming across as totally hot and athletic when they post a Facebook status update about going to the gym, notwithstanding the fact that they’re 15 pounds overweight and probably consumed more calories in Smart Water than they burned on the elliptical (while flipping through the pages of Us magazine, of course). The type who is practically the poster child for He’s Just Not That Into You used to seem to me to be the most likely to over- and misuse the excuse of intimidation when consoling herself in the face of heartbreak.

However, now that I’ve come to the repeated conclusion that intimidation played a role in my recent failed dating endeavors, I feel like maybe I should rethink my stance—especially because in all of those cases that explanation seemed completely likely and totally logical. Therefore, I would like to figure out whether it is factually possible for a guy to reject a girl on the ground that she intimidated him. I mean, it seems like there should be some very basic science pertaining to this issue, no?

Look, don’t get me wrong. There remains an overwhelming abundance of support for the proposition that guys like girls who are hot, smart, awesome, and fun to hang out with, such that they will remain in relationships with girls who they believe meet those criteria and will reject those who don’t. It’s that simple—except, of course, when it isn’t.

Take my very last rejection, for example. Everything about me matched up perfectly with what this guy was looking for. We had genuinely similar interests and there was palpable chemistry between us. Not to mention, every time he brought me around his friends, one or two of them would pull me aside and tell me what a great girl I was and that they were glad he was dating someone like me. I was literally convinced that I was the perfect girl for him.

Then he abandoned me without any explanation. And after analyzing every single second of our interaction at least 100 times, I really can’t come up with anything that makes any sense other than the fact that I was perfect for him—too perfect, in fact. So perfect that it freaked him out. The problem, though, is that I can’t quite pinpoint why it would be scary for a guy to be with an awesome girl.

I realize this isn’t something I’m going to be able to solve in one sitting. But I’m hoping that it isn’t a delusional myth to assume that sometimes a guy leaves a girl not because she isn’t awesome, but rather because she is awesome and that scares him.

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BL1Y

“every time he brought me around his friends, one or two of them would pull me aside and tell me what a great girl I was and that they were glad he was dating someone like me.”

If his friends are telling you that they’re happy you two are dating, it’s because his typical girlfriends are genuine psychopaths. The fact that you ever dated means that he saw the same crazy streak in you, and he left because he’s probably getting back together with some crazy ex from his past.

Or, they think he’s gay, and he broke up with you because he is gay.
- LSH
  
  Agree with BL1Y. Probably gay. His loss.
Lawyer Lemon Meringue

I can relate. Love sucks, and it sucks being awesome. However, it is indeed a blessing to be smart and beautiful, which I am sure you are! Hang it there, as your Prince will come. It only takes one pitch to hit a homerun you know. Wait a minute. Perhaps, I should take my own advice…
- sveta
  
  So awesome!
southern bitter

first of all, i have heard this excuse before myself. granted, the one guy in question was a total r@tard (I’m talking GED stupid) while I, on the other hand, was in law school, but I digress….

Why does there have to be a reason? Maybe he just didn’t feel the spark. Attraction is special because you don’t have it with everyone, and there is not always an objective reason that someone does or does not like you. Haven’t you ever tried to date someone simply because they had all of the great qualities you’re looking for, even though there wasn’t a spark? It doesn’t work out. If it’s not there, it’s not there. That’s all there is to it. On to the next.

Or, call up one of his friends, have some cocktails, throw your morals to the wind, and get some revenge.
- Maecenas
  
  Your classification of people with GEDs as stupid is incredibly ignorant.
  And I can’t help but mention that using the word retard in a derogatory context is offensive to people with mental disabilities. Perhaps you didn’t know that.
NCLawyer

Maybe he thought you were perfect as a wife, and he wasn’t ready to get married, so he froze

That said, i was once told by a good friend that i was pretty ann smart and blah blah blah but “you’re complicated. I think I need someone simpler.” Keep in mind this was a fellow law student, not some random schmuck met on a speed date.

If you’re willing to settle just to have a baby and/or beat some arbitrary milestone (25, 30, 35, 40, whatever), you can probably find some like-minded professional with the same goals. If you’re looking for chemistry, accept the fact that it may take years. If you’re just looking for sex…well, you’re a woman, all you have to do is lower your standards for 5 minutes.
NCLawyer

and yes my typi8ng is terrible
Michelle Beth

All the women in my tiny law firm are old and/or unattractive. None of us is in this insurmountable predicament of being awesome and perfect. I feel for you, LF10.

I am sure Ellen, being a law beauty, has the same problem as you do. Though it is not enough to make her to want me to be frank with her.

FOOEY on Ellen.
Hoya

I, also, was told by a fellow law student that I am “too complicated.” But he married someone simpler and is now divorced. Which means… I have no idea.
- Sheriff Olawale
  
  Probably she was complicated too, buh pretended to be simple at first.
Michelle Beth

BTW, LF10, How were you literally convinced that you were the perfect girl for him. Did he put it in writing? And then rescinded? It really sucks to be you, poor girl.
Ellen

As a fellow beauty, I can relate. Men are intemidated by my look’s and often do NOT approach me. As a result, only the schlubs aproach me. Ugh.
Ellen

If I could find a truly attractive legal woman, I would not shy away from her. There have been too many times that I wish I was able to meet a truly attractive woman, but it is my experience that the available ones all make Rosie O’Donnell look like Miss America. Now I am also the first to admit I am not Brad Pitt, but I do have a law degree and a good job, so I should not have to settle for an unattractive sow, even if she is a member of the bar.
QUADOZ

I don’t know what profession has more social retards… Lawyers or Doctors. Clueless, friggin’ clueless.
- Carolina
  
  it’s doctors! they use the word ‘difficult’ rather than complicated as they enjoy thinking they themselves are complicated!
- Corner
  
  As a doctor who is married to a NYC lawyer, I have to say the medical profession (specifically doctors) has more social retards than the legal profession (specifically lawyers) – by leaps and bounds. After all, doctors spent the majority of crucial young adult years with their noses in books and allowing themselves to be broken down and rebuilt all to fit a specific cookie cutter. Making it through that creates a league of doctors who lost out on developing social skills throughout pretty much their whole decade of 20’s yet at the same time think they’re so, so, so awesome because they made it through the mind-grind without getting a psychological schism. In other words, they think their sh*t doesn’t stink AND deserve to be lauded just for existing. Lawyers, on the other hand, aren’t broken down as hard in school, but they receive a fair amount of kicks and punches by life esp once they’re out. Yes, in school there’s the hazing, the Socratic method, and fierce competition…but once you are out of school, you’re on your own (esp. if you didn’t go to a decent law school or aren’t a networker). Law school doesn’t teach you how to navigate the legal system, courts, red tape, etc. Law students/recent law grads don’t get at least 3 years of legal training in courts like medical students/residents do in hospitals. A savvy lawyer learns to navigate the legal system on their own or has his mind open to learning how from a mentor or organization/firm. That gives them much more social skill than a typical doctor now-a-days who relies on decision management systems to determine a diagnosis, because heaven forbid they actually utilize the 4 years of medical school knowledge, 3-7 years of clinical training, and the thought savvy they can gain from damned medical licensing examsssss. Having said that, I do love seeing the two together – for a lawyer can pull the wool over the eyes of the smartest doctors because doctors are in AWE of lawyers. By the same token, lawyers are just so vulnerable in a doctor’s hands when they think they’re sick with something serious… and they think they could never do what it takes to become a doctor. And it’s true. It takes a special person to allow “the institution” to mind-f*ck you till you become…one of t-h-e-m. Takes a special kind of social retard to be mind-f*cked is oooh, such a great thing.
  - Corner
    
    Holy cow, that was an unnecessarily long and analytical reply. See, I just proved myself. Dammit!
Southern Lawyer

I had the same exact problem. I ended up marrying a fellow lawyer that I met in law school. Caveat, most of the guys I met in law school of the type described in your article, so when I met one that was not that way, I knew immediately that he was special.

The same has been true for most of my friends. All the happily married lady lawyers I know are married to other lawyers or at least other professionals. I think it helps when the guy has gone through school with some other crazy smart women.
A

Men are simple – we are attracted to youth and beauty. Intimidation is a nonstarter. Look up hypergamy sometime if you want to understand your female psychology when it comes to mate selection. When a woman acquires degrees and social standing, her perception of her own attractiveness goes through the roof. Her dating pool shrinks because she deems fewer men sufficiently attractive. She feels entitled to a higher status man, even though her degrees and salary do nothing to inspire boners with any more fervor than before when she was younger hotter and tighter. The men LF10 is attracted to are the type who have options – options to choose women on the right side of 30. Options to choose women with a sweet feminine personality. Too perfect? Too intimidating? No way. A man wants a wife, not a coworker.
- Matrix Architect
  
  Roissy? Lolz
- Nope
  
  I direct motion pictures in Hollywood and am female, and I can directly refute your bullshit with absolute evidence.
  
  Males brag about me, my career and what I do all the time, and it’s gotten me more cock than you and an entire football team will ever possess.
  
  Ya wrong bra.
  - You are not Distinguishing
    
    You need to distinguish between “getting cock” and “getting a committed, long-term guy who thinks of you as wife-material.” Many women make the common mistake of thinking that just because they can “get guys” (meaning guys find them attractive and want to sleep with them) it means whatever she has going for her (career, looks, etc.) is working. The pool of women a guy will sleep with is astronomically more massive than the pool of women a guy would be willing to marry. Plus, “bragging about” bagging women is pretty typical guy behavior, and of course if the woman is someone “important” or “important sounding” the guy will want to play up that notch on his belt. It doesn’t at all mean it correlates with wanting a relationship with the woman.
  - UncleElmer
    
    That is disturbing. I will support his claims with absolute evidence :
    
    http://www.the-spearhead.com/2012/02/20/a-man-wants-a-wife-not-a-co-worker
evil lawyer

Oh please:

No guy drops a woman because she is intimidating. There is a lot of wattage in pounding an intelligent women into the sheets. Intelligent woman are easier to get along with: they tend to want to do things and not just talk them to death.

He dropped you because: (a) you were not putting out; (b) the relationship was too much work–too many unwritten rules he was supposed to know, too many restrictions all at once, etc. and it stressed him out.

Its just harder after school to get a fix on people because the constant contact isn’t there. Move on.
- Guano Dubango
  
  I would take an intelligent female lawyer who is fertile and beautiful over a normal fertile beauty, but the key is fertility. All will soon wither, so it’s important to get them while they can still mate.
  - Corner
    
    Your comment, Guano Dubango, makes me cringe because the truth of it. At least in NYC, almost all men from age 20 – 80 all want the air-headed 21 year old. 21 is old enough to get into bars/buy alcohol yet is still relatively naive, esp. if she’s a bubble-head and/or drunk. Let’s not forget the way some men think: that even with having sex with a new man every day, a 21 y/o vagina has had less penis in her than a 22 year old, who potentially could have had 365 more penile experiences. Penis envy. Cock competition. Could make even the most virile of penises engorged with Viagra shrivel and shrink.
- Michelle
  
  This.
  
  Although why any woman would want to date / marry an attorney is beyond me. The comments here and on ATL should be sufficient display of why, exactly, that is a horrible idea.
  
  You can find nicer, more socially adept, less misogynistic guys …. well, everywhere. Move on.
  - Ellen
    
    I agree with these coments. FOOEY!
- MaybeI’mATerriblePerson
  
  Actually, it IS possible for a guy to be so intimidated… I’ve been there. I was with a girl who really was everything I could ask for, and I still miss her every time I see her. But I was stupid, and scared, and, yes: INTIMIDATED by her. The cold truth is that us guys are stupid and immature at any age, and some of us can be very lacking in self-esteem, thereby creating the perfect conditions for doing something we will come to regret due to feelings that we will never be good enough for a girl. Maybe this is what happened with you ladies, maybe not. My point is: Yes. It is within the realm of possibility. I may only be 21, but guys are guys. Believe me, we’re terrified some times!
Bitter 2L

I wouldn’t reject a girl because she is too “intimidating.”

I would, however, reject a girl whose ego was out of control. Or a girl delusional enough to actually think that the reason guys are rejecting her is that she is simply “too perfect” for them and they just can’t handle her level of awesome.

Hope that helps with your question!
- Hahaha please
  
  Successful story for sure, bro.
  
  And that’s why he’s called Bitter 🙂
The Northwest 2L

I’ve been trying to come up with a delicate way to put this, but I really can’t, so I’m just going to lay it all out there.

Yes, sometimes a guy will end a relationship because he is intimidated by the woman (though it’s more common, in my experience, that he’s intimidated by the _relationship_ and not by the _woman_), but it’s not common enough to be the reason for most of a woman’s “failed dating endeavors” assuming reasonable care in the woman’s selection of partners for those “dating endeavors.”

If a woman is finding that she’s repeatedly dating men whom she feels are “intimidated” by her (and not by the relationship, which I’ll get to later), then the root problem is likely not to be the men themselves, but rather something in the woman’s personality that is leading her to date men who are beneath her level of achievement and drive. In short, this really can only crop up with regularity if the woman’s level of confidence falls significantly below her level of competence.

What I find more common (speaking for myself only) is getting intimidated by the relationship, which doesn’t have really anything to do with the woman’s career or ability. A good relationship encourages both parties to grow and to change, even when neither party is actively attempting to make the other person change. If someone has been single for a long time, the realization that they are changing can be disconcerting and there can be doubts about their ability to continue moving in the direction that the relationship is subtly nudging them. It’s important to note that this isn’t related to the partner directly; it can happen regardless of the relative successes and capabilities of the partners and is driven by the closeness of the relationship.

All that said, being intimidated by the relationship isn’t something that can happen within a month or two. Until you’re out of a relationship’s “honeymoon phase” (usually around six months) there’s really not much opportunity to know the other person very well at all, let alone knowing how (or even whether) the relationship is changing you, so if things keep fizzling only a month or two in, there’s not much chance that guys are getting intimidated by the relationship in your case.

Overall, I think it’s more likely (statistically, I don’t know enough to comment on you with much specificity at all) that you’ve simply started “dating down” a bit and aren’t being as choosy about the guys you’re going out with. That would increase the chances that some of them are indeed intimidated by your level of competence. Of course, there’s also the possibility that they are recognizing the discrepancy between your competence (high) and confidence (lower) and are subtly worried about that trait.
- michelle beth
  
  Say what???
  
  What retard would over analyze the hell out of anything LF10 wrote to the extent you did? You need to go get a life, or hook up with Ellen/Guano Dubango.
  - Guano Dubango
    
    I do NOT wish to “hook up” with this woman. I fear that I could lose my member if this one gets feisty.
    - houdini
      
      hahahha!!
- A
  
  Wrong. Her hypergamy leads her to pursue men ABOVE her who have options and that is why they do not want to be tied down to an aging masculinized “woman”. Intimidation does not factor in any way
- evil lawyer
  
  I remember you! Last seen in Animal House singing, “I gave my love a chicken, that had no bone…” I bet you have tedious journals at home filled with this —this stuff–too.
  - The Northwest 2L
    
    I think you’re overestimating the seriousness of my reply. Thirty seconds of “analysis” and 10 minutes of writing hardly constitutes anything I’d attempt to call deep thought. Also, the closest thing I’ve ever had to journals are the maintenance record notes I keep in the back of my bike’s Clymer manual. 😉
- Jazmin
  
  I understand exactly what you are saying.
- Corner
  
  There is credence to what N2L is saying. Key is, LF10, why are they intimidated by you a few dates into the relationship and not on the first date?
Nonyo Beeswax, Ph.D

Hmm, why can’t I seem to find the woman who might intimidate me? The only one who has (and frankly, she could probably intimidate George St. Pierre, but she’s awesome like that) said I was too ugly. Yeah, ouch. Doctorate, (Microbiology Baylor University), former soldier, excellent physical fitness, sense of humor only a few degrees short of professional comedian, but ugly. Wish I had your problem!
- Guano
  
  If you are fertile, look me up!
Beth

I actually googled something to the extent of “why guys reject hot girls” and your blog came up. I just had to throw in some support.

I am a very attractive, intelligent, well-spoken woman who recently was lied to by a guy in my gym who I would catch eye-f*cking my from across the room for a year. He was always respectful to me, so whenI asked him out and he told me he was seeing someone, I accepted it. Then I found out a week later that he was showing off how he rejected me to boys ten years younger than him.

It just doesn’t make sense. If if a guy is obviously sexually attracted to you, wouldn’t he at least try to go on a date and have sex with you? I agree with your theory on intimidation, but I also wonder if this boy I used to sweat was sexually confused. Maybe it was a combination of both.
lemon cookies

I really tend not to buy the “he was intimidated by me” excuse, no matter who the woman is. I understand having confidence and realizing that you’d be a catch for many guys (sure I think I’m good looking, intelligent, good-natured etc etc). However, I also realize that you never know what certain qualities you have that will irk certain people, while the same qualities may not even bother others (everybody has random pet peeves, and no matter how awesome you are, like everyone else are surely far from perfect.) I also realize that despite being regarded as conventioanlly “attractive,” many many men may recognize that you attractive without necessarily being attracted to you, if that makes sense. Not the same thing.
So basically what I’m saying: there was probably simply something about you he found out he didn’t like. Doesn’t mean you’re not attractive, intelligent, and many other desirable things.
baubo

I’m going through something similar. They will be in awe of our compatability, have fun, tell me I’m their soulmate, tell me I’m beautiful and sexy–and then refuse to sleep with me as they profess their undying attraction to me. It’s completely bizarre and I can find no reason for it. It is driving me a bit crazy. The one thing I’ve discovered, as I peruse way too many dating books/sites, is that “men are hunters.” Their egos like to work for things, and any time we “give it away”–sex, attention–we lose value in their eyes. This depresses me as I want to feel like a woman, not a gazelle.
- Marcus P.
  
  Baubo-once you humble yourself relax and go with flow of attraction, you will be more happy. I am a man and I do like challenges but if you want special time with me then just like you have to be won so do I. There are 2x as many women on the earth as men so don’t be mad at me if I let you go when you and I start to not work out due to your pride or mine. As time goes on you will win me over but I don’t have to go off your time frame of how we are supposed to bond or get closer. The elevated pride all of you have is turning you angry which you need to watch out for, your gonna end up like that lonely rich lady in office who has young men fuck toys cause no man wants to be her guy.
TareBear

I went through a similar situation. The man I was talking to for a few months seemed to like everything about me. I am not intimidating at all, at least that’s what people tell me…or maybe everyone around me is simply more intimidating. Anyway, I am a soon-to-be-lawyer while he had a very humble, low-paying job. This did not bother me as he was following his passion, but I guess it bothered him. All I liked was that he was attractive, had very good morals and was fun. He still told his friends that I was too intimidating and is now dating a dumb bimbo who is equally comparable in looks to me. She has a reputation for not having a mind of her own though. I agree with one of the comments above that if the spark isn’t there, it just isn’t there. Intimidation alone won’t ruin something, but I can’t help feeling like it did here. It stinks but oh well. Someday my prince will come.
- Frank
  
  Sis, no self respecting dude wants to put up with a know it all unless she looks like Charlize Theron and humps like a bunny on demand. Now I am sure you are a decent lass and will not be a washout in the sack but keep in mind that all other things being equal (as you seem to admit), the dude will go for the passive woman who won’t argue or nitpick him to death. And for the women who are not visually competitive, ya all have to become sexual black belts and wear your fella’s dick off with every orifice as much as the dude can handle. And for Gawd sake stay clean downstairs if you want to land and keep a dude. Having a law degree don’t mean squat if you stink downstairs.
- Michelle
  
  If he had good morals, I doubt he’s dating a “bimbo”.
Lorelei

I am a law student in a happy relationship with a man 5 years younger. I am pregnant and I am 30 years old. I am a beautiful woman and no idiot is going to tell me I’m ”infertile” and old just because I have passed my 29th year. Get real, ”A’ and stop your proselytising.
Heather

I just found this article since I’m sitting home trying to figure out why Mr. I-Thought-Was-Right told me he is confused about his feelings and has to think things over. It’s funny to me to find this article on a lawyer website since I’m a lawyer too, and basically, I held exactly the same viewpoint that the line “men are intimidated by you”is used by unattractive, plain girls. Now that I’m in my mid-30s and *STILL* single, in the past year I’ve had 3 3-month relationships end with the guy telling me how great and wonderful I am, but they just feel that they “can’t give me what I deserve.” Of course, the subconscious part of me that I am horrible and unlovable believes that this line is BS, and that they just want to date someone “better” than me. A growing part of me, though, thinks there is something unattractive to men about women who are professionally successful. It’s not that they are “intimidated” — it’s that they are emasculated. They feel rendered useless. They feel less powerful. I actually decided after my last failed relationship (with a teacher) to only date men 5-10 years older than me who make the same or more money than me. Mr. Confused is my first foray into this type of guy (though he is only 2 years older than me), and even he said that he felt uncomfortable around me because I’m a “big corporate lawyer” and “very classy” and “really really pretty.” I think men need to feel they can take care of a woman in order to feel manly, and most guys just don’t think they can take care of a lawyer who is clearly ok on her own.
Michelle

I say the following with humility, because I am a single female attorney and one of my married female attorney friends and her husband told me what’s going on. Your article showed a real lack of self-understanding. The truth is that you have spent a life-time getting kudos for being smart and “winning”, so you tend to think showing how smart and successful you are will impress men, too. It won’t and it doesn’t, and that’s not because you “intimidate” them. It’s because men want kind women, not competitors. Practicing law makes us hard, aggressive, and sometimes cuttingly sarcastic. All of those are massive turn offs for men. You have to change. You can, and it takes humility. You can also be proud and keep blaming the men . . . and end up like a lot of my 50-something single friends. I do wish you the best. Cultivate feminity. Become kinder and more nurturing. Men need feminite women, just like we need masculine men. Without realizing it, we female attorneys have taken on a lot of masculine qualities, and they much us the equivalent of an effeminate metro sexual. You know, the guys who say women don’t like them b/c they are intimidated by the guy’s beauty. We truly are that dilusional. You can change. Talk to your grandmother or your great aunts about men, their generation understood the sexes — and they all got married and stayed marrie.
- weazi
  
  Pay attention, ladies. This woman knows what she is talking about.
- Muzammil
  
  Michelle, you summed it up in its entirety. Thank you.
- Corner
  
  Michelle, you said it so much more eloquently that I could put it and it’s very sound. In blunt, somewhat aggressive, sarcastic terms, I would say that men are intimidated by women like LF10 because they feel like she has bigger balls than they do. You know how sensitive men are about their parts… Men have sensitive egos and finding a woman who they feel can call their bluff makes them want to hide under a rock.
  
  But, Michelle, the kind of change you are suggesting to LF10 is very difficult. It would take years to reverse the programmed rewarding she got for being smart and winning. Some women aren’t born to be cooing kittens either. Acting the part would be as fake as a peroxide blonde – at worst ugly, at best unnatural.
  
  LF10’s best bet is to start dating the right guys. She needs the right kind of man who has confidence in who he is enough to allow her to be the woman she is, be it a woman who can wear the pants if need be.
Jerry

This Michelle has got it right. We don’t like it when some women act like men with a va-jay-jay.
FloraAustin

Hey,I rili agree wit u…guys re intimidated by a girl’s awesomeness..buh hw sure re u that u were awesome…U re beautiful nd attractive,quite understandable buh dat may hav been the only reason he asked u out nd u weren’t smart enough to find out he didnt rili luv u…he just wantd 2 show u off to his frnds…As it seems,mayb u didnt hav d great personality to make him stay so try findin ways to improve ur personality instead of making urself feel better wit ur assumptions…Yes,guys re intimidated by awesome girls,buh dat does nt scare them away,it makes them more interested in her nd luv her more…It makes him become a better guy so he wont have to lose her,buh awesomeness cant make a guy leave u…it hardly ever happens dear…guys love girls for their personality nd nt looks,so havin good looks dosent make u automatically an awesome person….THANKS
- Jerry
  
  Dude, men don’t go for women just because of their twats! They go for them if they are feminine. Just having lady parts is not gonna cut it with a guy these days, and if your not “fresh” below the belt, FORGET IT!
weazi

Is it really any surprise to these women that men do not want them? Ladies… it’s really easy, if you’re interested in your career, it’s a sure sign that you will not be as interested in family. As a man, it’s important to me to find a woman who is not a workaholic, and who does not value herself by her career. It’s not that we are intimidated by you, it’s more that we are slightly disgusted.

My anecdotal evidence shows that women who think men are intimidated by them, actually want men to be intimidated by them, so naturally this will play out into how you treat your partner. We have an entire generation of women who were raised to believe that they must compete with men and in most cases lead men. So again, we are not intimidated by you, but you exude entitlement, and when you make the relationship or family all about you and your happiness, it’s no surprise that you will turn off most men, and you will be left with weak men (who you won’t be happy with) that you can boss around, because that’s what you obviously need to suit your personality. You need a man to boss around, but you hold a conflicting thought in your head that you don’t want that type of man.

So in closing, it’s not men that are the problem, it’s your personality. Change yourself, drop the pompous “I did it on my own” princess attitude, and you’ll be surprised how attractive you become to men.
- Marcus P.
  
  Amen weazi, worded perfectly. Hit the ego with th bottom line truth! In hitch the last scene when Eva mendez tries to word catch saying ” I heard every word you trick women into..” He cuts off the bull shit to say” into getting out of thier own way so ” blah blah you get the point. Most women and men put themselves in their own prison and wonder why me.
  - Louis
    
    Agreed. After a long day at work, the last thing a guy needs is to come home to some loud mouth argumentative beeotch. The fact that she has lady parts is not even relevant if she keeps yapping at you to do things when you just want a rest.
    
    I say a dame has to be feminine and attractive, and quiet to be a good match for a hard working lawyer, who just wants a little peace and quiet when he gets home. He does NOT, repeat NOT want some brassy dame who want’s to go out and be entertained. I say to that woman, shut up.
    - Sienna
      
      Geez man, are you a serial killer or just a plain ol’ misogynist? Creepy, very creepy.
      
      And I don’t see how your plot to inflict pain on random women could work the way you describe. Women have strong radar when it comes to violent, hateful men like you; it’s impossible to hide.
- Jenny
  
  Yeah! Listen to this obviously-still-single-cant-get-a-girl-know-it-all! Just change your ENTIRE personality to maybe make yourself more appealing to him!
  
  That way you can stay at home and cook dinner for him while he’s out at work, needing complete power over a woman to feel comfortable. Are you sure THATS the kind of guy you want? One that doesn’t have enough security and self confidence to deal with his wife having a job, and the opportunity to leave him? If he needs his woman to have an inability to leave, it must be a pretty unhappy situation to be with him.
  
  This is total BS. Most of the male lawyers in my law firm are married to other female lawyers.
  - weazi
    
    Bitter? Hahah…. darling, I’m anything but bitter and I’m not single, I have a very lovely, respectful woman. I’m realistic. You know what that is? Well, if your personality sucks, it probably needs some changing, so don’t blame it on me.
    
    She does not stay at home and cook, she has a job, we cook for each other, she’ll tell me she feels like one of my meals, then I’ll tell her another night that I feel like one of hers, or *gasp* we’ll go out to eat. I don’t have any more power over her than she has over me, and that’s the way I like it. We are partners, do you know what a partner is? I have no idea where you get off saying that I don’t want her working. First off, she’s just my girlfriend, and secondly if she was my wife and was not working, I would definitely expect her to be at home raising the family, and I don’t think I’d be out of line to think that. You don’t just get a free-ride in life for being a woman. You have to pull your weight too.
    
    You are obviously an obnoxious brat. One of those women who thinks every man in the world is trying to control you. Just by the way you phrase your sentences, I can tell you would be an intolerable person to live with.
    
    I want a woman with the right priorities (what I think is right). I want a woman that will put her family before work, that will put her family before material possessions. Honestly, Jenny… it’s sad that you consider cooking food for someone being controlled. How pathetic and sad. This right there is the reason you do not have a boyfriend or a husband. You are most likely incapable of love and being kind to other human beings unless you know you’ll get something in return… that must be lonely. You are very telling in your response too… “the opportunity to leave him”? Does this mean you do not think I have the opportunity to leave her? Or wait… it’s probably that she is so damn special and beautiful and smart and talented that I would never want to leave her. Is that it? Well if you would look up at the message you just responded to, this is exactly the type of princess behavior and self-love that I just told you turns men off. How can you love someone else if you are in love with yourself first? You understand?
    
    In short, stop being a selfish bitch, and you’ll probably find a guy.
Jack

LOL. I do this. I want the pretty women to feel the sting and sadness of rejection the way I did whenever i would try to get to know one. Fuck them–waltzing through life thinking everybody owes them everything because their faces are symmetrical. But today, i will target one–the prettiest fucking bitch I can find. Then i’ll wine her and dine her and make her think I’m her Prince Charming. And then i will ditch the cunt. Boom. Just like that. No calls, no texts, bitch, i don’t even know you. And the harder they cry with their perfect hair, makeup and wardrobe, the harder I laugh at them. Fuck ’em. Feel the sting. Feel the pain. Feel the embarassment. Feel like there’s something really wrong with you and no one will EVER love you. HA HA HA HA HA HA! I love it.
- Jerry
  
  Dude you are a little too bitter. Women will never part their legs for a guy who is not sincere unless they are bombed. You don’t want to hump a broad who is comatose do you? The last thing you need is for her to throw up on you when you expect a BJ from her but you do the maneuvering of your pecker not her. A woman must be awake and attentive to properly service you orally. Learn that lesson now or you will be covered in her bitter puke or worse should she inadvertantly bite down. Oh my god!
- Jenny
  
  Why in the world would one random dude who a girl went on one or two dates with ever have the ability to affect a girl like that?
  
  First of all, its incredibly unlikely that you can get these girls to go out with you. Second of all, even if you did – believe me – they have gained enough self confidence throughout their lives that one bitter little boy like you isn’t going to have the slightest impact on them.
  
  It’s creepy that you think you have that much power. This is obviously something you’ve completely created in your head. You should think about talking to a therapist.
  - Larry
    
    Some women think clearer after they’ve been boned. Others don’t.
Sha

From the comment you made about other women you sound alil stuck up. And how fun are you really? Did you make him laugh are you interesting did you make him think. Did he get to talk about his self or was it all about you
Abbyds

I used to think that sometimes men would reject me or ignore me from shyness or intimidation. I am not an overly confident woman, but I was over-estimating my attractiveness. The fact is that I am not beautiful, and I only realized this when I saw some photographs of myself. It is painful to admit that the man you want so badly is just not interested. He may stare at you in the gym or at work but chances are he is just bored, thinking of sex and oblivious to how he is making you feel. He may blush when you talk to him, because he senses your interest. But you will not mistake the signs if he really wants to know you. Quite simply he will risk rejection to let you know it.
- JayGameCock
  
  A confident man will want a confident woman. What reasons do you have to NOT be confident? Don’t be so hard on yourself! I think your lower energy is possibly attracting the wrong type of guy. Maybe you are going after players…. Those types will never love you and treat you with the kind of compassion and respect you deserve. Yes, we guys will stare… As a matter of fact every time (most males) meet a new woman within a certain age range (say 18-50) and they find her slightly attractive they are thinking what it would be like to have sex with this woman. This is just the way it is. But there are also many guys who value connection and loyalty above something ephemeral and they will always love you.
Precious921

Hello… It is crazy I found this site because I have been told that I am imtimidating looking by some of my guy friends and it drives me crazy and i just dont know why.. I hope there is not a problem talking in this site because I am not a lawyer but have worked with lawyers so its not just the profession.. I am not stuffy and a great since of humor along with looking pretty good but never conceited.. So whats my issue cuz I just dont get it..smh
- Allen
  
  If you are cute, take your top off and send in a picture. Without that, you may just be a bovine.
- JayGameCock
  
  Could be a lot of things… Do you have a pretty face, attractive body, and a good personality… These are all the best qualities…. There is something else… something you are not seeing because we cannot see these things like others can…. Maybe you have a hard look on your face and don’t realize it? Maybe some of your natural traits come off as fine to you but others view them as intimidating? Are you African American?
  - Henry
    
    If she’s cute, just bone her, and don’t ask questions. Chances are you are not going to marry her so just get as much sex out of her orifi as you can before she realizes you are a douche.
EJLaw

I actually had a similar situation when I first met my ex-girlfriend. She was attractive, very intelligent, cool as hell (honestly, one of the coolest girls I’ve ever met, EVER), and…RICH. I’d say I had all these qualities as well, but since I was a dumbass and went to law school and decided to work for Countrywide right before the big bank crash, I graduated law school in huge debt and without a job. So, I was intimidated by the fact that she seemed to have life together much better than me. And the intimidation led to feeling somewhat emasculated. And I think that’s where it’s hard for high-powered women with a lot of horsepower. As men, it’s in our nature to want to be the protector. And when we feel we’re not only unable to do that, but that OUR WOMAN is actually in a better position to take care of us…it’s actually quite overwhelming. A MAJOR hit to the ego. I’d say it’s an issue of emasculation. But, with that said, I actually developed the best relationship in the world with my ex. We broke up for other reasons, but are still extremely good friends (I’d consider her one of my best friends.) And I came to terms with these initial feelings of inferiority because I found that I was able to fulfill my masculine roles in many other ways – her financial needs were MORE than sufficiently met, but I was there for her emotionally; I lived very far away, but always made it a priority to see her, etc. So I guess my point is that it definitely isn’t a deal-breaker when you’re intimidated by the girl. Actually, that’s the kind of girl I’m trying to find. But it takes a great deal of confidence, self-awareness, and quite a bit of humility. So now that I think about it, it probably just takes a good guy to meet a good girl. If you’re among the elite, you’re really only going to mesh with an equal. So keep looking. I’ll say “we”re out there. (I may not have much money yet, but I can bring the hammer where it counts 😉
- Frank
  
  Dude, you should have boned the bejesus out of your ex. Once they’ve had “it” they want it all the time. Next time, lead with the hammer.
  - Jazmin
    
    HAHAHA Frank have you ever thought of taking up comedy, you are pretty damn funny.
- Jazmin
  
  Money isn’t everything usually the people who have a rough start are the kindest people in the end. They truly cherish everything they have and the life they live. So maybe it’s really her loss 🙂
Plaintruth

Actually the dynamic you suggest in your article is a very simple one to understand.
If we assume you, as a woman, are slightly attractive ( visually that is all men need surprisingly ) to men then what you describe is the classic power play scenario. There is unfortunately almost nothing you can do to change how you now affect men because it is your job that is scaring them off commitment. I’ll explain.
The relationship dynamic is bio-anthropological. For millions of years men and women’s physiology has been able to survive because those best able to compete survived through selection. However in order for our species to procreate the one dynamic that it isn’t possible to have is women competing with men because men see any personal competition as a threat from another warrior trying to take his woman or possessions even if it is a woman.
Therefore hardwired into men’s brains literally balls to bones is the impulse to run a million miles from a stronger warrior or you’ll die (known as fight or flight). Men have only those two options because they are not allowed to fight you culturally and because you don’t want to fight a lover ( that would be insane) the flight option is the only other that’s left.
In otherwords because you appear to be the strongest or as strong as, you have become a threat to future happiness and a possible conflict scenario within the procreation environment . This is something unacceptable to all men except possibly men who are extremely tough and intelligent I mean mean for you you probably need to find a navy seal who is also a senior circuit judge in order for the man not to feel threatened by you in any significant way( not impossible but unlikely). Readers will note that unfortunately most women are now fitting into this threat scenario by virtue of our culture and that is why they find it extremely difficult to find men, and it’s going get worse. I must mention that the final nail in your attempts to date is in fact because your a lawyer the guy is thinking ‘ if I just put one nose hair out of line in the future she will ring me dry through the court and have me chucked in jail’ family court or whatever , you are a major threat! sorry best change jobs and never mention the fact you were a lawyer.
Jazmin

Women are crazy. My father is a life coach and thankfully when I’ve come home with some lame excuse like “maybe the guy didn’t like me because he was intimidated by me” my father was quick to put me in my place and show me how stupid that sounds. I’m a young woman, not a lawyer but I know what I want in life and I have it together. It hit me one day that I’ve been hurt just like every woman has and to protect myself I enhanced my independence. Meaning instead of being independent but feminine at the same time I became this “I’m independent, I don’t need a man, I can take care of myself etc” but to an extreme masculine way that guys were like damn there’s no room for me in her life, she has too much going on. I’m not saying women need to be needy but if you exude too much confidence it turns into cockiness and there is a big difference. I think the sexiest thing about a women is when there’s a little mystery. Right off the bat he shouldn’t know how much money you make, what degree you have and what your life dreams are. I think things should be fun, flirty and laid back. Life is too short kind of attitude and everyday little glimpses come out that show your successes. But in reality you see hot men all the time with average chicks. It’s because those girls have that personality that makes a guy stick around. Confidence but humility, they are feminine and let the guy be masculine, they are humble, happy, grateful and loving. Egos, pride and status ruin people. I look at it this way, if you didn’t have the degree, the fancy car and the career and you had to live a humble life. Who would you be, who is the real you without all those things that will eventually fade.
Jazmin

Another thing I doubt that guy looked that far down then line and came to the conclusion you intimidated him and were too perfect for him. Stop thinking so much woman! Pull down your ego, make your standards about a guy around who he is not what he does, and don’t complicate things. Jesus! Men are simple they have two dominant emotions. Hungry or horny. If you see him without a boner make him a sandwich.

Let your hair down, drink some wine, get a little frisky. No one likes an uptight bitch.
Chastity Weiner

I am the lone female in a shared house with 6 males. Recently, two of them, who are actively looking for “love,” or whatever, let it slip that they have strict dating criteria, and that the most important, even more important than being a bit overweight, is that in order to be considered dateable, she must not be more intelligent than the gentleman.

One of them showed me a lady he met through an online dating site (which rhymes with NO WAY STUPID) – she was cute, the same age, slender, funny, and intelligent. And he said he wasn’t planning to even meet her in person once because she was obviously, “too smart” for him, and he does not care for that. He prefers a girl younger than himself, shorter, less aware of the world, less knowledgeable about music, and, overall, less intelligent.

The second housemate accidentally told me last night that he doesn’t want a girlfriend who is funny or intelligent because it makes him feel dumb.

I told them both that they are idiots. A smart girl will work full-time, figure out how to buy a house for you both on her salary alone, cook, clean, work extra so that you can make the payments on your nice car, and be extra understanding of your need to take time off from college/career to figure yourself out (ie. sit on the couch and play video games). The dumber girls will want you to provide everything, and will get bitchy when you don’t.

Your choice, fellas!
Mdl

Ok so i am a guy and i’ve done something stupid that is similar, but i dont quit understand why i did this.

So here is me at my worst. I find a girl atractive in every way possible and yet tried to avoid geting into close relationship and yet wanted to. Though now i think i was just afraid of rejection though she obviously liked or love me.

i know its strange but it might just be fear of comitment or something i dont know but we are sometimes able to do stupid stuff.
Mdl

ps forgot to spell check
COG

Interesting. Sounds very familiar, but I’m the female and I have a sense that’s what’s going on with someone I know. I think you should go after her. No games, only truth. Be yourself and don’t be afraid to reveal who you are and what you feel. There is no fear in Love!
- Frank
  
  Women can be so introspective when they are not with a guy. Once they start getting it regularly (I.e. 7-10x per week), they calm down and don’t talk their head off. If the guy is lucky, she’ll also give good BJs before sex.
Spike

lol, original writer, u f***ing wish 🙂
Stefi Bee

I empathise with you as I go through it all the time. The excuse is”you are too good for me” … And I am feminine, loving and homely …

Many guys feel an ego boost being in a position to “talk” with their friends how they’ve been in a position to reject a “trophy” …

Yes, they are intimidated because they fail to control the uncontrollable …

Well, those who see things that way are not worth having in the first place … Relationships are healthy when both feel free and enjoy to grow together … people enjoy wearing masks to protect themselves, a relationship which allows freedom and growth is scary for many as they will be in an environment to face themselves.
Jules

If you sleep at night thinking that´s true, keep thinking that. Intelligent girls choose not just with her feelings, but also with their brains. If you date a looser with low self steem obviusly he´s gonna feel threatened of a independent, inteligent beautifull girl. But if you choose wisely next time, you won´t have to write a depressing column like this. the secret, learn to choose.
Wolf

Short answer is maybe but not likely. Guys are VERY easy. If they go out with you once its because they find you at least mildly attractive. If they give up from there, it because you are completely not compatible. Probably because you talk too much.
Nordica

Funny how people on this thread all think they are so hot and smart…If law school was that transformative of their IQs and abilities to analyze, etc., why on earth are they wasting their time here? ((Also, shocked at the remarks concerning age. My experience is that older guys are usually more attractive…and most prefer women in their own age bracket.
Gerbod

No worries, girls need to taste rejection too. After all you girls are not selectively egalitarian, right?
Damian

There is something to be said about a woman who is more accomplished than the man. It makes him feel less significant and significance is much more important to him than it is to love, whose focus will tend to be on love.

That being said, my recent experience taught me the value of falling in love with someone who makes you feel wonderful (predominately by laughing at your jokes) but then when a relationship begins, starts to gradually be more assertive. A woman who is extremely capable but passive tends to make life too easy for the man and it encourages him to become extremely selfish. It also makes him feel less in love and makes the woman act a little neurotic, chasing the love from the man. Ultimately, as it did me, it gives me too much rope to hang myself with and I break away seeking independence, rather than being vulnerable with her and expressing your insecurities.

And that leads to extreme regret…. She was “perfect.” You just couldn’t appreciate it until it was no longer there.

Damian
Passing Stranger

Yeah, she could read Robert Greene’s “Art of Seduction” — or she could find somebody that actually likes HER and values HER for who she is, how she is, however that may be. It may be difficult, and that person may be rare, but it’s probably out there at least a few times over for almost everybody (caveat: when I say almost everybody, I mean more or less “everybody willing to take the time to do the self-analysis required to try to figure out what it is they really want and who they really are instead of who they think they are and what they think they want”; it’s rarely the same thing).
John

This is likely because the man wanted to be able to impress you, but felt that he wouldn’t be able to because of how good you are.
stacey bush

After being in relationship with my husband for nine years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email is (LAVENDERLOVESPELL@YAHOO.COM } tel.+2347053977842) you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything.
- Corner
  
  You obviously didn’t read LF10’s article, “I Went to Missouri, and All I Got was This Lousy Psychic’s Permission to Have an Affair”.
Lady Nomad

Hi. You probably have a valid point. Early this year, I was actually getting to know a guy with Schizoid Personality disorder and he seemed okay with me…..and now that he is “safely” dating some girl online, he has been nothing but odious toward me and I know I did nothing wrong. Hurts though all the same…
F Dannn

Crazy thought, but perhaps when guys reject you they simply don’t like you? rejection is something men have learned to deal with since young teens. That’s just how it is when society says men are the ones who are supposed to approach and pursue the woman. The key is to not care about rejection, I’ve been rejected many times…ALL men have, even the 6’0″ + tall model looking men, it just comes with the territory of being a man.
Sitara Hewitt

I completely relate to this. The last guy I dated was really into me, pursued me and told me all the things he appreciated in me that he hadn’t really experienced before. We had great chemistry, laughs, deep discussions and easy fun whenever we just stayed in. When we were out we were the most magnetic and engaged couple in the room. After 3 months he started to get a bit more distant and finally disappeared. My hypothesis is this (and he also told me these things over time but I didn’t want to listen, I was sure he would have epiphanies about his own personal issues and evolve). He was not ready. He did not feel confident in his finances and he didn’t feel like his time was his own – he was desperate to make a lot of money and do well in an expensive city (LA). Also he was not as spirtiually evolved as I would have liked and his feelings of inadequacy and insecurity lead him to make decisions based on fear. It can really come down to timing in someones life. He (and maybe the guy you dated) weren’t open to falling for someone. I have been there too, though usually because my heart was still in pain from a previous breakup. Men are different than women and they can feel unready because of financial (read: survival) issues. They think if they get into a relationship it will take them away from their careers and if the relationship doesn’t work out then they are screwed for later. Etc. We are different from them so I can’t say exactly why they reject women who are fun, attractive and good hearted…but it can come from either a lack of interest, or in these cases more of a place of fear about themselves and their lives…which equates an inability to love at this time. Those are my ideas, I totally relate to what you went through so maybe you can relate to what I’m going through! As an aside..I had two other guys reject me in the same way once I started to get close with them… and months later both came back and tried to date me. Which proves the point that maybe they got intimidated and so they rejected me…but given some time without me they realized the value and decided to try again. And both were more gracious and accommodating when they started asking me out a second time: lunch and dinner dates, not late evening casual texts etc 😉 Hang in there, you’ll find someone who is ready for how fabulous you are!
- Sharon Newman
  
  Men are hopeless. They meet someone else who smiles and winks at them and they dump current girlfriend it happens all the time. MEN are not monogamists.
  - France FRADET
    
    It depends on the man.
- Marie
  
  I am in the same boat. They guy i was dating for 2 months tokd me to move on. He said I am a nice attractive woman with nice qualities, but we aren’t compatible because my personality is too strong for him. Like, this is BS! But all the while we were dating, he keeps online with other women. Seriously?!
Shuryon

I think you are wrong. Have you ever thought that your flaws were too much for him? You can be great in some points but not all..

Also, have you considered that maybe you are the only one seeing you two matched perfectly?? Remember: psychos think like this; I’m not saying you are, I’m just pinpointing the fact that this thinking is no good for relationships.

But this conclusion, you said you are increadible, too perfect, great for him. But got rejected. Sorry, but a guy can reject a girl that intimidate him but NOT a perfect girl. This makes me think you think highly of yourself to the point you may be irritating. “I’m perfect! People say I’m great with him! We are perfect together! I’m increadible! But he dumped me. So maybe he felt intimidated! Because I’m perfect!”

Well, my point is: maybe it was just you that though you two were great together. And as a tip: always consider that there was something wrong you missed. He not wanting serious relationships or you having defects you do not realize and caracteristics that displeases him.
TPanda

As a guy who has been intimidated by girls who are too perfect, I have to say that even I don’t understand why this happens. And I would love to know if there is an explanation. It defies all logic. My rational brain is saying, dude, it can’t get better than this. Why are you giving up on something so perfect? And yet it scares me. It feels like it’s too good to be true. And that’s why maybe there’s something wrong in it that I don’t see yet. It’s the shittiest logic, and yet that’s what my intuition tells me to do and I end up doing.
- France FRADET
  
  http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/08/does-our-own-attractiveness-affect-our-dating-preferences/
- AppleCart
  
  I do this too. In fact, I run quickly in the other direction if a guy seems to be a little too perfect. I think we assume these folks will eventually yearn for greener grass.
Florin Toader

absolutely. I had girls come up to me that were so gorgeous, I couldn’t even speak. So I bailed. Everybody that’s says otherwise is flat out lying.
rensational

You’ll probably never get a man to tell you the truth about this. But I’m a lesbian and don’t have the masculinity issues men have, so …

First of all, I am not sure about this with men, but I would never get a month plus involved with someone and then decide she “intimidates” me. Maybe men do it because men just don’t think ahead like women do and/or because many of them aren’t initially that interested in getting to know a woman as a person (as opposed to thinking about the physical) and then as they find out more about how much she has going for herself THEN they feel insecure. But for me, this is something I’d seriously think about on the front end.

I have this issue right this second. I’m interested in a woman who is gorgeous, and, just in terms of the physical alone, I feel like there is no point in pursuing her. I have pushed myself to try to talk to her a few times. I had to talk myself into making the first approach for days and days, and I did and we had a decent conversation for almost two hours. Then I spent more time thinking and thinking about what to do next…I mean, just an excessive amount of thinking goes into this situation as opposed to DOING.

Then, the last time I tried to talk to her online, it seemed like she was ignoring me and it took her a long time to finally respond, and I was already questioning whether or not she was interested. It made me just want to drop the whole thing, and that’s the question I wrestle with now. I don’t like feeling like this, and we’re not even dating–imagine how it’d be for me if we were dating! Anyway, my point is this is all on the front end for me, as a woman, but for some men maybe it takes a while and some incidents you haven’t even thought about before he starts wrestling with different questions in his head that just cause more anxiety than it’s all worth.

I would not use the word “intimidate,” necessarily. Maybe you could, but I think of it more so as another woman and I are unbalanced in some way or I don’t see myself fitting certain things she probably wants. The biggest categories I have this issue with when it comes to women are 1) looks/attractiveness, 2) body, 3) finances, 4) career (I also need to add race, for the people who date interracially–that would be #5). I think these are men’s biggest issues, too, but mainly #1, 3 and 4.

It’s not really about having an issue with how “awesome” a woman is in any of these areas, but just feeling we don’t match in those areas or that you do or will look down on me when you find out the truth…because when we meet, I’m going to talk up my career, for example. I’m going to try to make it seem better than it is, but when we get closer you’ll understand that it’s not as good as all that and/or I don’t actually make that much money, i.e. I’m not that successful. Especially with dating successful women, women who make a lot and/or women who love what they do for a living, this is a hard one because those women almost always emphasize wanting someone on an equal footing in those areas. I would definitely think about this from the very beginning, not a month later. Some guys worry about it from the beginning (and, thus, disappear early, reject you if you ask them out or they just never ask you out–all things I’d do), and some don’t.

Oftentimes for me, with a woman it’s all or almost all four (or five) of those issues really holding me back from pursuing something with her. Looks are almost always a factor for me. I have never felt attractive. I am on a dating site, which is where I met the woman I discussed above, and she even “liked” my picture on the site (after I liked hers). I have had many women try to talk to me there. My reaction to it is always just I’m suspicious about their motives, and I never believe the ones who say I am attractive. When I respond to their attempts to talk to me, it’s always kind of like, “Okay, I’m going to try to figure out her angle,” and some do end up having angles. And especially since I am black and almost all of the women who message me are white, I get even more suspicious. Basically, in many cases, if I cut away from a woman, I just don’t trust her interest in me, i.e. I don’t trust HER. In my mind, you’re probably up to something.

I think that, for women who are very attractive, this is something you have working against you and you don’t realize it and neither do a lot of other people. Guys get suspicious of your interest, they question whether or not you’re interested even if you’ve made it clear you are, and they think you’ll eventually leave for someone else or because you look down on them. There’s not much you can do to change it if you like a guy who is like this, and it’s unfortunate because most of the best people to date are somewhat like this or totally like this. 95% of people who feel confident with beautiful women or successful women are arrogant jerks who will probably cheat on you anyway. Think Donald Trump and the comments he made about how he can sexually attack women just because of who he is, i.e. his success and fame. I see a lot of beautiful women who are single or in bad relationships or with jerks, and I understand it more and more. Think of the beautiful female celebs who can’t seem to make it work with anyone or who have been cheated on.

I know this is long, but I hope it really helps.
- France FRADET
  
  I’ve been told that I’d leave them eventually, as an excuse! I was dating a really lovely man and HIS excuse was the age difference (ten years, I’m 48 he’s 58) and that he wouldn’t be able to keep me sexually happy in ten years’ time, and that I’d still be working when he retires and he wants to be able to take off and travel. I feel really disappointed because he’s lovely and a good father to his children. I suppose he was being realistic. Still hurts though.
  - Juan Bautista
    
    is not an excuse,is a real fear,he was asking you for reafirmation ,lots of men are obvsesed over the idea of you women,running when the bad times come,you refusal to step up and be allways passive can scare to death a men,knowing that no matter what ,you will never step up for him is soul breaking,he was shittesting you,just like women do. we also do that.
Lancoon

I’m not gonna lie but I’m a dude and I’ve done this before. Twice…..
A guy can be in a state of permanent disbelief that a girl is so perfect in his mind that he can be blind to signs and ultimately make her think he is not into her. It all stems from his fear of DOING SOMETHING WRONG. Imagine this, lets say your father has cancer and a wizard captures his fate within a glass vial and sets it in the middle of a frozen lake filled with man-eating fish. You walk out to the vial to take it back but 5 feet before you reach it, the ice cracks. So now you are stuck staring at something you really desire but if you move you’re screwed. Kind of dramatic but that is how it feels.
- K-J
  
  Hah! I like your metaphor.
  
  I can relate to this “fear of DOING SOMETHING WRONG” as I’ve also been in this situation. For me, I think it was the fact that at the time, I was actually in no condition to even be dating, masking my depression with a surface of happy go lucky. I also had this thing were I pretended not to worry about my own little quirks, but deep down I still hated those part of me. So, meeting this girl who was super hot, talented and funny made me instantly doubt that it was actually ‘me’ she was after. I thought it was all a fluke, and that she’d eventually see who I really am and run for the hills. I definately felt like I was playing theatre. I couldn’t take the pressure eventually and half deliberately fell out of touch.
  
  There’s a funny epilogue to this. I went to a thing and was later told that she’d be there with her new BF from Italy. I felt an urge to go home at first, but it was cool meeting her again, and what I didn’t expect was that the bf would be strikingly similar to me in some respects.
  He was geeky, had trouble with eye contact, a tendency to ramble and lose track in conversations.
  So as it turns out, the parts to my personality I really hated were probably the same things she particularly liked about me. Oh the irony!
Adam

I actually agree that men can breakup over intimidation. There was a girl that was attracted to me. She was tall,ler then me, attractive, funny, blunt amazonian in athletics, she pursued me and treated me like a prize to be won. That scared me shitless. She scared me, because she didn’t feel like a human, she felt like a predator. Thats not to say she stalked me. She just genuinely made me feel intimidated.
jenn j

Most men reject me- I’m gorgeous nice fun cool. Why they do that- bc I am all these things and they can’t handle it. It’s how males are today and frustrating
- JR
  
  Or maybe they believe you’re too good a package and wouldn’t be interested in them, so they don’t bother asking for another date.
  
  Not everything is down to men not handling your self-proclaimed awesomeness.
- Juan Bautista
  
  you have horrible game then,also,blaming them is an enormous red flag, woman up you bitch,if they have bad game is mens fault,if YOU have bad game… is mens fault,you deshumanize guys really fast,the problem is,women dotn want to realize there is creepy women,just like creepy men.
insaninater

This is a weird thought, but it might fit.

In the modern areas of the west, men are conditioned to distrust attractive women who show interest in them. This is largely based on advertising, long before we’ve engaged in dating or romantic endevors, we’re constantly pelted with ads that follow the same emotional wavelength. Online it’s even worse, I’ve seen literally thousands of pop ups or chat room chats where the entity on the other end claims to be an honest women looking to have sex with you, and it’s always a scam. Even in the case of real women, there’s a powerful sense that you DON’T want to be a sucker, you don’t want to be the walking wallet for a woman, it’s probably worse than just being alone. This is going to come as obvious to any men out there, but maybe women don’t realize the extent to which this stuff happens, and how we’re naturally going to develop a resistance to it, a resistance that might carry over when things seem to be going “too well”. I bet it sets off alarm bells stemming from the advertising resistance, or resistance to becoming a walking wallet, and months of a relationship don’t counteract years of conditioning, and often on some level i think we’re waiting for the “catch”, so time could possibly make it worse. Rensational hit on it with her comment, “what’s her angle” is one of the first thing that pops into our heads.

It’s largely compound by social conditioning that says if you’re not a very specific, idyllic type of guy, your sexuality is going to be treated by women as threatening and unwelcome. It may not be the intended message largely, but i think it’s one reasonable conclusion to a lot of unanswered, unasked question, like when i see a workplace sexual harassment video, and look at a romantic comedy, it’s not hard to come to the conclusion that it’s not the behavior itself that’s the problem, it’s who the behavior is coming from. I think this is why guys try to be one specific archetype, we want to be the guy whose actions are as charming and not creepy, as romantic and not sexual harassment, and from what we have to work with, that’s really what it often appears to come down to. So if a guy doesn’t see himself as an idyllic male archetype, there will at least be some doubt as to where the line is, and this doubt could compound with time.
JR

In my experience and those of guys I know, men tend to stray from successful women because they assume, by default, that they won’t be interested.

I mean, think about it. You’re a guy, an office drone who pulls in 35K a year, and you meet a voluptuous brunette with a Master’s degree. Pretty cool. Then you learn she’s an accountant in the City of London earning well over 50K, and she has way more friends and pretty much her entire dating history comprises doctors, lawyers, engineers, businessmen, and athletes. You as the guy will assume that she will lose interest, so you’ll date someone in or below your economic and social league. It’s easier to impress someone who doesn’t have a much more kickass life, after all.

So, it might not be down to your intimidating awesomeness or male fear. It might just be down to men figuring that you wouldn’t be interested because they make less, are shorter, don’t have as many friends, and just have a much less remarkable life than you.