Do Guys Actually Reject Girls Because They're Intimidated by Them?

I can relate. Love sucks, and it sucks being awesome. However, it is indeed a blessing to be smart and beautiful, which I am sure you are! Hang it there, as your Prince will come. It only takes one pitch to hit a homerun you know. Wait a minute. Perhaps, I should take my own advice…

Maybe he thought you were perfect as a wife, and he wasn’t ready to get married, so he froze

That said, i was once told by a good friend that i was pretty ann smart and blah blah blah but “you’re complicated. I think I need someone simpler.” Keep in mind this was a fellow law student, not some random schmuck met on a speed date.

If you’re willing to settle just to have a baby and/or beat some arbitrary milestone (25, 30, 35, 40, whatever), you can probably find some like-minded professional with the same goals. If you’re looking for chemistry, accept the fact that it may take years. If you’re just looking for sex…well, you’re a woman, all you have to do is lower your standards for 5 minutes.

All the women in my tiny law firm are old and/or unattractive. None of us is in this insurmountable predicament of being awesome and perfect. I feel for you, LF10.

I am sure Ellen, being a law beauty, has the same problem as you do. Though it is not enough to make her to want me to be frank with her.

FOOEY on Ellen.

I had the same exact problem. I ended up marrying a fellow lawyer that I met in law school. Caveat, most of the guys I met in law school of the type described in your article, so when I met one that was not that way, I knew immediately that he was special.

The same has been true for most of my friends. All the happily married lady lawyers I know are married to other lawyers or at least other professionals. I think it helps when the guy has gone through school with some other crazy smart women.

Oh please:

No guy drops a woman because she is intimidating. There is a lot of wattage in pounding an intelligent women into the sheets. Intelligent woman are easier to get along with: they tend to want to do things and not just talk them to death.

He dropped you because: (a) you were not putting out; (b) the relationship was too much work–too many unwritten rules he was supposed to know, too many restrictions all at once, etc. and it stressed him out.

Its just harder after school to get a fix on people because the constant contact isn’t there. Move on.

I am a law student in a happy relationship with a man 5 years younger. I am pregnant and I am 30 years old. I am a beautiful woman and no idiot is going to tell me I’m ”infertile” and old just because I have passed my 29th year. Get real, ”A’ and stop your proselytising.

I say the following with humility, because I am a single female attorney and one of my married female attorney friends and her husband told me what’s going on. Your article showed a real lack of self-understanding. The truth is that you have spent a life-time getting kudos for being smart and “winning”, so you tend to think showing how smart and successful you are will impress men, too. It won’t and it doesn’t, and that’s not because you “intimidate” them. It’s because men want kind women, not competitors. Practicing law makes us hard, aggressive, and sometimes cuttingly sarcastic. All of those are massive turn offs for men. You have to change. You can, and it takes humility. You can also be proud and keep blaming the men . . . and end up like a lot of my 50-something single friends. I do wish you the best. Cultivate feminity. Become kinder and more nurturing. Men need feminite women, just like we need masculine men. Without realizing it, we female attorneys have taken on a lot of masculine qualities, and they much us the equivalent of an effeminate metro sexual. You know, the guys who say women don’t like them b/c they are intimidated by the guy’s beauty. We truly are that dilusional. You can change. Talk to your grandmother or your great aunts about men, their generation understood the sexes — and they all got married and stayed marrie.

I used to think that sometimes men would reject me or ignore me from shyness or intimidation. I am not an overly confident woman, but I was over-estimating my attractiveness. The fact is that I am not beautiful, and I only realized this when I saw some photographs of myself. It is painful to admit that the man you want so badly is just not interested. He may stare at you in the gym or at work but chances are he is just bored, thinking of sex and oblivious to how he is making you feel. He may blush when you talk to him, because he senses your interest. But you will not mistake the signs if he really wants to know you. Quite simply he will risk rejection to let you know it.

I actually had a similar situation when I first met my ex-girlfriend. She was attractive, very intelligent, cool as hell (honestly, one of the coolest girls I’ve ever met, EVER), and…RICH. I’d say I had all these qualities as well, but since I was a dumbass and went to law school and decided to work for Countrywide right before the big bank crash, I graduated law school in huge debt and without a job. So, I was intimidated by the fact that she seemed to have life together much better than me. And the intimidation led to feeling somewhat emasculated. And I think that’s where it’s hard for high-powered women with a lot of horsepower. As men, it’s in our nature to want to be the protector. And when we feel we’re not only unable to do that, but that OUR WOMAN is actually in a better position to take care of us…it’s actually quite overwhelming. A MAJOR hit to the ego. I’d say it’s an issue of emasculation. But, with that said, I actually developed the best relationship in the world with my ex. We broke up for other reasons, but are still extremely good friends (I’d consider her one of my best friends.) And I came to terms with these initial feelings of inferiority because I found that I was able to fulfill my masculine roles in many other ways – her financial needs were MORE than sufficiently met, but I was there for her emotionally; I lived very far away, but always made it a priority to see her, etc. So I guess my point is that it definitely isn’t a deal-breaker when you’re intimidated by the girl. Actually, that’s the kind of girl I’m trying to find. But it takes a great deal of confidence, self-awareness, and quite a bit of humility. So now that I think about it, it probably just takes a good guy to meet a good girl. If you’re among the elite, you’re really only going to mesh with an equal. So keep looking. I’ll say “we”re out there. (I may not have much money yet, but I can bring the hammer where it counts 😉

lol, original writer, u f***ing wish 🙂

If you sleep at night thinking that´s true, keep thinking that. Intelligent girls choose not just with her feelings, but also with their brains. If you date a looser with low self steem obviusly he´s gonna feel threatened of a independent, inteligent beautifull girl. But if you choose wisely next time, you won´t have to write a depressing column like this. the secret, learn to choose.

Funny how people on this thread all think they are so hot and smart…If law school was that transformative of their IQs and abilities to analyze, etc., why on earth are they wasting their time here? ((Also, shocked at the remarks concerning age. My experience is that older guys are usually more attractive…and most prefer women in their own age bracket.

There is something to be said about a woman who is more accomplished than the man. It makes him feel less significant and significance is much more important to him than it is to love, whose focus will tend to be on love.

That being said, my recent experience taught me the value of falling in love with someone who makes you feel wonderful (predominately by laughing at your jokes) but then when a relationship begins, starts to gradually be more assertive. A woman who is extremely capable but passive tends to make life too easy for the man and it encourages him to become extremely selfish. It also makes him feel less in love and makes the woman act a little neurotic, chasing the love from the man. Ultimately, as it did me, it gives me too much rope to hang myself with and I break away seeking independence, rather than being vulnerable with her and expressing your insecurities.

And that leads to extreme regret…. She was “perfect.” You just couldn’t appreciate it until it was no longer there.

Damian

This is likely because the man wanted to be able to impress you, but felt that he wouldn’t be able to because of how good you are.

I completely relate to this. The last guy I dated was really into me, pursued me and told me all the things he appreciated in me that he hadn’t really experienced before. We had great chemistry, laughs, deep discussions and easy fun whenever we just stayed in. When we were out we were the most magnetic and engaged couple in the room. After 3 months he started to get a bit more distant and finally disappeared. My hypothesis is this (and he also told me these things over time but I didn’t want to listen, I was sure he would have epiphanies about his own personal issues and evolve). He was not ready. He did not feel confident in his finances and he didn’t feel like his time was his own – he was desperate to make a lot of money and do well in an expensive city (LA). Also he was not as spirtiually evolved as I would have liked and his feelings of inadequacy and insecurity lead him to make decisions based on fear. It can really come down to timing in someones life. He (and maybe the guy you dated) weren’t open to falling for someone. I have been there too, though usually because my heart was still in pain from a previous breakup. Men are different than women and they can feel unready because of financial (read: survival) issues. They think if they get into a relationship it will take them away from their careers and if the relationship doesn’t work out then they are screwed for later. Etc. We are different from them so I can’t say exactly why they reject women who are fun, attractive and good hearted…but it can come from either a lack of interest, or in these cases more of a place of fear about themselves and their lives…which equates an inability to love at this time. Those are my ideas, I totally relate to what you went through so maybe you can relate to what I’m going through! As an aside..I had two other guys reject me in the same way once I started to get close with them… and months later both came back and tried to date me. Which proves the point that maybe they got intimidated and so they rejected me…but given some time without me they realized the value and decided to try again. And both were more gracious and accommodating when they started asking me out a second time: lunch and dinner dates, not late evening casual texts etc 😉 Hang in there, you’ll find someone who is ready for how fabulous you are!

As a guy who has been intimidated by girls who are too perfect, I have to say that even I don’t understand why this happens. And I would love to know if there is an explanation. It defies all logic. My rational brain is saying, dude, it can’t get better than this. Why are you giving up on something so perfect? And yet it scares me. It feels like it’s too good to be true. And that’s why maybe there’s something wrong in it that I don’t see yet. It’s the shittiest logic, and yet that’s what my intuition tells me to do and I end up doing.

You’ll probably never get a man to tell you the truth about this. But I’m a lesbian and don’t have the masculinity issues men have, so …

First of all, I am not sure about this with men, but I would never get a month plus involved with someone and then decide she “intimidates” me. Maybe men do it because men just don’t think ahead like women do and/or because many of them aren’t initially that interested in getting to know a woman as a person (as opposed to thinking about the physical) and then as they find out more about how much she has going for herself THEN they feel insecure. But for me, this is something I’d seriously think about on the front end.

I have this issue right this second. I’m interested in a woman who is gorgeous, and, just in terms of the physical alone, I feel like there is no point in pursuing her. I have pushed myself to try to talk to her a few times. I had to talk myself into making the first approach for days and days, and I did and we had a decent conversation for almost two hours. Then I spent more time thinking and thinking about what to do next…I mean, just an excessive amount of thinking goes into this situation as opposed to DOING.

Then, the last time I tried to talk to her online, it seemed like she was ignoring me and it took her a long time to finally respond, and I was already questioning whether or not she was interested. It made me just want to drop the whole thing, and that’s the question I wrestle with now. I don’t like feeling like this, and we’re not even dating–imagine how it’d be for me if we were dating! Anyway, my point is this is all on the front end for me, as a woman, but for some men maybe it takes a while and some incidents you haven’t even thought about before he starts wrestling with different questions in his head that just cause more anxiety than it’s all worth.

I would not use the word “intimidate,” necessarily. Maybe you could, but I think of it more so as another woman and I are unbalanced in some way or I don’t see myself fitting certain things she probably wants. The biggest categories I have this issue with when it comes to women are 1) looks/attractiveness, 2) body, 3) finances, 4) career (I also need to add race, for the people who date interracially–that would be #5). I think these are men’s biggest issues, too, but mainly #1, 3 and 4.

It’s not really about having an issue with how “awesome” a woman is in any of these areas, but just feeling we don’t match in those areas or that you do or will look down on me when you find out the truth…because when we meet, I’m going to talk up my career, for example. I’m going to try to make it seem better than it is, but when we get closer you’ll understand that it’s not as good as all that and/or I don’t actually make that much money, i.e. I’m not that successful. Especially with dating successful women, women who make a lot and/or women who love what they do for a living, this is a hard one because those women almost always emphasize wanting someone on an equal footing in those areas. I would definitely think about this from the very beginning, not a month later. Some guys worry about it from the beginning (and, thus, disappear early, reject you if you ask them out or they just never ask you out–all things I’d do), and some don’t.

Oftentimes for me, with a woman it’s all or almost all four (or five) of those issues really holding me back from pursuing something with her. Looks are almost always a factor for me. I have never felt attractive. I am on a dating site, which is where I met the woman I discussed above, and she even “liked” my picture on the site (after I liked hers). I have had many women try to talk to me there. My reaction to it is always just I’m suspicious about their motives, and I never believe the ones who say I am attractive. When I respond to their attempts to talk to me, it’s always kind of like, “Okay, I’m going to try to figure out her angle,” and some do end up having angles. And especially since I am black and almost all of the women who message me are white, I get even more suspicious. Basically, in many cases, if I cut away from a woman, I just don’t trust her interest in me, i.e. I don’t trust HER. In my mind, you’re probably up to something.

I think that, for women who are very attractive, this is something you have working against you and you don’t realize it and neither do a lot of other people. Guys get suspicious of your interest, they question whether or not you’re interested even if you’ve made it clear you are, and they think you’ll eventually leave for someone else or because you look down on them. There’s not much you can do to change it if you like a guy who is like this, and it’s unfortunate because most of the best people to date are somewhat like this or totally like this. 95% of people who feel confident with beautiful women or successful women are arrogant jerks who will probably cheat on you anyway. Think Donald Trump and the comments he made about how he can sexually attack women just because of who he is, i.e. his success and fame. I see a lot of beautiful women who are single or in bad relationships or with jerks, and I understand it more and more. Think of the beautiful female celebs who can’t seem to make it work with anyone or who have been cheated on.

I know this is long, but I hope it really helps.

I actually agree that men can breakup over intimidation. There was a girl that was attracted to me. She was tall,ler then me, attractive, funny, blunt amazonian in athletics, she pursued me and treated me like a prize to be won. That scared me shitless. She scared me, because she didn’t feel like a human, she felt like a predator. Thats not to say she stalked me. She just genuinely made me feel intimidated.

This is a weird thought, but it might fit.

In the modern areas of the west, men are conditioned to distrust attractive women who show interest in them. This is largely based on advertising, long before we’ve engaged in dating or romantic endevors, we’re constantly pelted with ads that follow the same emotional wavelength. Online it’s even worse, I’ve seen literally thousands of pop ups or chat room chats where the entity on the other end claims to be an honest women looking to have sex with you, and it’s always a scam. Even in the case of real women, there’s a powerful sense that you DON’T want to be a sucker, you don’t want to be the walking wallet for a woman, it’s probably worse than just being alone. This is going to come as obvious to any men out there, but maybe women don’t realize the extent to which this stuff happens, and how we’re naturally going to develop a resistance to it, a resistance that might carry over when things seem to be going “too well”. I bet it sets off alarm bells stemming from the advertising resistance, or resistance to becoming a walking wallet, and months of a relationship don’t counteract years of conditioning, and often on some level i think we’re waiting for the “catch”, so time could possibly make it worse. Rensational hit on it with her comment, “what’s her angle” is one of the first thing that pops into our heads.

It’s largely compound by social conditioning that says if you’re not a very specific, idyllic type of guy, your sexuality is going to be treated by women as threatening and unwelcome. It may not be the intended message largely, but i think it’s one reasonable conclusion to a lot of unanswered, unasked question, like when i see a workplace sexual harassment video, and look at a romantic comedy, it’s not hard to come to the conclusion that it’s not the behavior itself that’s the problem, it’s who the behavior is coming from. I think this is why guys try to be one specific archetype, we want to be the guy whose actions are as charming and not creepy, as romantic and not sexual harassment, and from what we have to work with, that’s really what it often appears to come down to. So if a guy doesn’t see himself as an idyllic male archetype, there will at least be some doubt as to where the line is, and this doubt could compound with time.