Don’t Let The Bed Bugs Bite!

Don’t let anyone ever tell you that it’s glamorous to travel for business. It’s not. I’ve been stuck in Los Angeles for the last month, and I can’t wait to get the hell out of here.

Okay, I’m not exactly in Los Angeles. It’s LA County, all right? I’m stuck in some awful suburb called Woodland Hills, which is about an hour (or up to four, depending on the insane traffic) from anywhere cool or decent to eat or go out.

For the last month, there’s been no escape because nobody has a car.  It’s eat, sleep, walk across the street to the client’s office (one of those office parks that looks like that movie Office Space) and repeat the process all over again—everyday, seven days a week.

Put it this way: If I want an exotic meal, I order the balsamic dressing for my salad at Tony Roma’s.

The saddest outing was last week when we went to PF Chang’s for one guy’s 30th birthday. I got indigestion, and the poor birthday boy was going to cry himself silly at the depressing thought of sharing that moment with only a few coworkers and professional acquaintances.

And forget about meeting any hot LA/Hollywood chicks at a nearby bar for a distraction. Woodland Hills only seats crusty, worn-out hags, who were probably not even hot in their prime. There’s just not enough tequila in the bar to make these women look good.  (By the way, good luck finding tequila in these parts any better than Jose Cuervo. < Massive headache!)

But the chain restaurants are paradise compared to our third-world accommodations. We’re here too long to stay in a hotel, so the client is paying for us to stay in one of those long-term housing places. This is where you go when your wife has kicked you out of the house. You pay one bill, and you get a room, furniture, a kitchenette, and cable. Oh, and you get bed bugs, too. No extra charge.

I’m serious. The one guy who celebrate his 30th birthday with us got a special gift of bed bugs!  When he came down to meet us in the lobby one morning last week, his neck, arms and legs were covered in red bumps. I moved apartments over the weekend, just to be safe, but now someone down the hall reported having them too.

I thought about moving rooms again, but there’s no point. Besides, the guy next to me is going through a bad divorce, and being able to hear him yell at his wife and then hang up crying makes me happy—at least somebody is more miserable than me.

  • Guano Dubango

    Yes the women are not attractive and their are bedbugs in California.  I do not like it when women who are not attractive want for me to buy them drinks and dinner.  As a lawyer with a US LLM, I expect more.  Please write to tell us where we can find eligibile women lawyers who do not look like waterbuffalo.

  • BL1Y

    That really sucks that no one has a car.  Someone should go into business renting out cars to people who don’t have one and only need one for a couple days or weeks.

  • daman

    loser! you are paid over 100k and you wont rent a car to see the talent in LA. you are a sad sad man. ive seen so much talent in LA way more than the east coast. for a guy smart enough to make biglaw you are too stupid to rent a car and see all that LA has to offer.

  • BL1Y

    This guy would rather stay in a shitty situation and get to whine about it rather than make a good faith effort at making the best of things.  What a loser.

  • Er, no.

    Long term housing with bedbugs?  Are you f—ing kidding me?  Time to move to a decent hotel and tell the client that what they provided was unacceptable and that if they want you to stay, they’ll pay for reasonable accommodations.  I never once stayed in anything less than a Hilton when traveling on a client, even when being someplace for weeks at a time, and if you’re accepting shitty accommodations, you’re too much of a p—y to be a decent lawyer.

  • Anonymous

    buy some raid.

  • Robert Smith

    In LA most people go to bed by midnight if not before. Then they run at 7AM. 
    Woodland Hills is a bedroom community, by the way, where younger women are in cheap bars and happy hour havens and MILF’s are at home with kids when you’re out.  The main fun is in Santa Monica, Bev Hills, Hollywood clubs you cannot get into, and on the Sunset Strip. Rent a car you loser.  But be careful-DUI enforcement is strict and penalties severe.
    If you have to stay in WH or want to drink, go to cheap bars and happy hour havens where local women without much money go in droves. You’ll do well if you stop acting sorry for yourself.

  • Shadenfreude

    This story makes me smile

  • BL1Y

    Well, I think the verdict is in.  Bitter contributor: You suck.

  • Alma Federer

    I think the man makes a point. He works hard, and wants to have a bed free of bugs.  I would not mind meeting a man who likes to work and who is not focused on where he is going to meet women, let alone what he is planning on doing with them.

  • BL1Y

    Alma: You really want a guy who’d rather lived in a bug-infested apartment than one who’d call the person in charge of coordinating living arrangements and inform them that the place isn’t suitable?  Has anyone ever told you that from 30 feet away you look like a really intelligent woman?  I bet you think that’s a compliment.

  • Jake

    poor dude sounds awful man

  • Anonymous

    funny how bl1y never sends anything in. clearly he has the time, but not the cajones.

  • Guano Dubango

    In my country, this is nothing.  We have far more dangerous bugs; tse-tse flies, mosquitoes, snakes, water bufalo, and many other wild animals.  That is why I come to the USA, to look for eligible women, who can make a lot of money and support a lifestyle with me back home in the hill country.  I look for an attractive female lawyer with the abilty to bear me 3 children and return with me after 10 years to Ghana.  Please write if you are available and so qualify.

  • BL1Y

    Careful Guano, saying tse-tse fly at work can get you fired.

  • Anonymous

    Dubango, I remember him from Georgetown.  He were always staring at women’s chests.  If he really wants to go back to Ghana, he never let on back then.  He was strictly interested in a green card, and probably still is.