Dri-FIT, Merrell & Belichick, LLP

Law Firm 10 Columns, Law Firm 10, Lawyer 17 Comments

Business casual was intended to be a good thing, right?

It was supposed to make stuffy male lawyers hip and stylish; give them the sartorial freedom of artists, advertising execs and entrepreneurs.  But sadly, all it did was open the door for them to reveal what dorks they really are—and make female associates yearn for the days when they wore boring (while somewhat sexy) wool suits.

Case and point: My most miserable daily interactions are with a junior partner who outfits himself in Dri-FIT three-fifths of the week.  Really.  I don’t care that the emblem suggests he sat within spitting distance of Tiger at the Masters, or that he went on a “guys’ trip” to St. Andrews—if he doesn’t have the sense to understand that a fabric meant to wick away sweat from the skin has no place in a law firm, then I don’t see why I should be forced to take abuse from him.  Until he starts paying attention to the stains on his khakis and mis-matched socks stuffed into his nubuck Merrell Jungle Mocs, he can spare me the preachy diatribes about “failing to pay attention to detail.”

Oh, and I can’t forget about the senior partner whose screaming rants always center on the same billing-centric theme—“We almost lost the client because the bill for your summary judgment research was so large”—and yet this clown shows up for meetings with his precious clients wearing an ill-fitting gold-buttoned navy blazer tossed carelessly over a wrinkled golf shirt with high-water, pleated Dockers.

Don’t get me wrong, I always knew that Big Firm life would involve poor treatment and significant psychological abuse.  I just never expected it would be administered by a bunch of guys dressed like Bill Belichick.  It’s okay to be abused by a D-bag in Zegna, but getting denigrated by some chump in an out-of-date J. Crew oxford is downright insulting.  If you don’t have enough social intelligence to dress like a professional, you shouldn’t be allowed to condescend to me for an occasional citation error.  I’m not sure why, but you just shouldn’t.

But maybe that’s the whole point.  There is no logic to this law firm universe since it seems to me that the animals are, in fact, running the zoo.  The geeks are now the quarterbacks.  It’s like the minute you pass the bar, the entire social hierarchy is upside down, which is terrific if you’re a geek.

What I’m saying is, I’m pretty sure there’s no place for a hot cheerleader like me in a legal high school where the cool guys wear Dri-FIT.

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  • Bill Dugan

    I agree some men are sloppy, but so are lots of women.  I don’t mind a babe who shows up without stockings, a short dress and a loose fitting top—all makes for quick and easy access–but PUH-LEAEESE, not on the job.  I’m happy to go out with a good looking women after work so attired, but at work, I want my female lawyers to look professional.  I want to believe, if I were the client, that the person I am paying $500/hour is hard working and androgenous—not some sexpot who I could get for $100 / hour in the back alley.  Besides, most of the women lawyers who dress provocatively are not half as attractive as the $100/hour skanks in the back alley.  So I recommend that women attorneys dress nice, as the client will otherwise be convinced they are overpaying for something at best mediocre.  And one final question, if the author of this blog is so HOT, she ought to post a picture of herself so that we can verify.

  • Anon

    Sorry, this chick is just not funny.

  • BL1Y

    Business casual for men: Start with business formal.  Take off the jacket (unless it’s cold), lose the tie, and undo the top (and only the top) button on your shirt.

  • BL1Y

    Business casual for women: Start with your sexy going-out-to-bag-me-a-man look.  Remove half the make up and accessories.

  • Anonymous

    Business Casual For Women:  Take your top off and spread your legs, Beeotch!

  • BL1Y

    @7:59: I believe you meant to write “Casual Business for Women.”

  • Anon

    For once, BL1Y makes a good point.

  • Barney

    BL1Y is right.  Women lawyers are meant to be humped, not heard.  That is especially true for the Lady of Law, who swears by this philosophy.

  • Anonymous Female

    I agree.  That’s why we’re here, right?  To have sex with all you ripped, sexy male lawyers.

  • Anonymous

    OK, so I’m not a Brad Pitt, but I have a JD and am a member of the bar in good standing.  Even if I am a little heavy around the waist, I am ENTITLED to have the highest grade of female beef on the hoof.  That probably excludes some female JD’s, but if there are any worthy one’s, I won’t turn them away, OK?

  • chad_broski

    not only do most lawyers not know the difference between “business casual” and just plain “casual” (hint: cotton khakis and a golf shirt is CASUAL), but most can’t even pull off biz casz when they aren’t wearing khakis and dri-fit.
    offense 1: collar stays – it drives me NUTS to see lawyers with their collars flailing all over the place. those little plastic things in the shirt are meant to be taken out when drycleaned, and then PUT BACK IN! you can even buy some fancy metal ones as well. just please tame your freaking collar, numbnuts!
    offense 2: dull shoes – there’s a reason shoe shine places are still in business. get ‘em shined, you dope!
    offense 3: belt, meet shoes. that brown belt you’re wearing? should be paired with brown shoes, preferably of the same hue. same goes for black.
    offense 4: the undershirt. crewneck collars are not meant to be worn under dress shirts, unless you’re buttoned up with a tie. please, consider a v-neck. and please, no wife beaters. visible wife-beater lines are unacceptable under all circumstances.

  • Anonymous

    Chad sounds like he’s undressed a biz cas man or two in his day.

  • Alvin Arsewipe

    Chad sounds like a fudgepacker to me.  Fess, up Chad–you’re a backdoor man, right?

  • Anonymous

    We put up with women nagging us about the way we dress. Why?  because can get tail out of it.  I would not be interested in putting up with a whiny fag telling me the same thing.  It’s all in the presentation.  I can deal with a woman telling me exactly the same thing because of what I can look forward to that night —POO-SAY!

  • chad_broski

    sorry to disappoint anyone, but no, i am not a backdoor man. i’m actually glad that there are so many bozos out there who don’t know how to dress … makes impressing the ladies much easier for me. without dumbdicks out there who don’t know how to dimple a tie, it’s that much easier for me to look good.

  • Anonymous

    I disagree.  “Chad” is a fudgepacker.  Who but a queer would be dimpling a tie!!!!  If he is not gay, the women he must attract must smell like catpiss!

  • Deez Nuts

    bitches be crazy