"Excessive Workplace Flatulence"

If you read a newspaper or watch television or really have been alive for the past month, you have probably heard about the government’s ability to shit the bed on just about everything. Today we have official evidence that this is true. A federal employee has been formally reprimanded this month for excessive workplace flatulence.

You have got to be shitting me. Well not shitting, but, you know. The worker, a 38-year-old Maryland resident who works for the Social Security Administration, apparently passed gas on 17 separate dates and 60 specific times. The sanction was delivered to him by a five-page letter that actually included a log of dates and times when the wind breaking occurred and accused him of “conduct unbecoming a federal officer.” I’m sorry but blowing stink smoke seems like the exact thing a federal officer does, especially a claims adjuster at the Social Security Administration.

Here we thought Social Security was going down the shitter because of Baby Boomers but instead it is a guy creating an “intolerable” and “hostile” environment because he has a penchant for chili. Not to mention there is another guy who sits in the neighboring cubicle and documents every time the guy crop dusts the office. Government efficiency FTW! While the formal letter (which can be seen here) only denotes the date and time, I would like to think it includes the style of gas: consistency, scent, decibel level, forecast, etc.

September 20, 2012, 10:25 am: A lengthy low vibration; a hint of cheese and sauerkraut, most likely from a Reuben; sounded dry but things might get worse later in the day.

September 20, 2012, 10:39 am: Things got worse. Bill sharted himself.

Post image via Shutterstock.

  • Hank

    We had a woman at my firm who, let us say, was less than hygenic. As a result, we all had to endure a terrible odour for at least 5 days each and every month. We even tried raising the issue with our management, but they were afraid of bringing it up with her because they were afraid of getting slapped with a discrimination claim (she was the only woman in our unit). She went and got a job with the government. I wonder if they would think this was actionable. BTW, she was not bad looking, but with that odour, no one ever thought of her in a sexual way.

  • Evan

    No one likes to sit near people that fart up the room. Even the prettiest girl gets ugly fast once she starts farting.

  • Jill

    You men stink. Once when I was having sex in law school, the guy farted, and it TOTALLY killed the moment. I asked him to leave immediately! FOO!

    • Stan

      Jill, if you re the same Jill from Louisville that I porked in law school, you were not all that hot in the sack. But if you ever get back to Louisville, I’d be happy to give you the bone after you give me a BJ.

      • FrozenStiff

        Try not to fart this time, Stan.