Exclusive Interview with Justice Antonin Scalia’s Neighbor

Bitter Editor Lawyer, Satire 3 Comments

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is understandably apprehensive about media interviews due to his position. Luckily, this reporter was able to have a lengthy sit-down with Justice Scalia’s neighbor, Elmo Sanchez.  He was able to give some insight into the daily life of Justice Scalia.  As it seems, the Justice stays true to his originalist beliefs even outside of the Supreme Court Chamber.

Bitter Lawyer: Thank you for taking the time to speak to me, Mr. Sanchez. Let’s get right down to it, what kind of neighbor is Justice Scalia?

Neighbor: I would say he’s an OK neighbor. Very quiet, very humble.

Bitter Lawyer: Ok. I guess I would expect that. What would you say is the worst part about living next to him?

Neighbor: The horses.  Obviously, Mr. Scalia doesn’t use any form of transportation that wasn’t available to the drafters of the constitution. That’s just the way he is.  So, basically, he has a stable which is usually well kept, but occasionally a warm breeze will send some 18th century exhaust fumes my way.

Bitter Lawyer: Interesting, so he doesn’t use any modern technology?

Neighbor: Nope. In fact, it is quite a benefit to me. I don’t have to worry about my Saturday morning being interrupted by a motorized lawnmower because he uses the old Elwood McGuire design. It’s man powered and whisper quiet.

Bitter Lawyer: I have to imagine it takes quite a bit of strength to push one of those.

Neighbor: Right, Justice Scalia is surprisingly strong. I once saw him move a 200 pound anvil out of his blacksmith shop while he was fashioning a new kitchen knife for his house maid.

Bitter Lawyer: He sounds like quite the workhorse.

Neighbor: Yes, he certainly is.  But of course he likes to be social as well. He’s always inviting me over for extravagant dinner parties. I used to go, but the food isn’t very good. It’s always rock hard biscuits and really salty meat. He doesn’t have a fridge, so he cures all his meat.

Bitter Lawyer: Interesting.

Neighbor: Yeah, he calls it the originalist diet. He wrote all over my wall about it.

Bitter Lawyer: The Justice has Facebook?

Neighbor: No. But he overheard me talking to my wife about it one time and misunderstood. He takes everything very literally. So now there are twenty recipe pages hammered into my wall. And he used a paint brush to write on there about how he lost five pounds by just eating cured meat and fresh butter. Every once in a while I hear him out there in the middle of the night. Just last week I heard him nailing a parchment invitation to my wall. I guess you could say that’s more annoying than the horses

Bitter Lawyer: Well, that doesn’t sound fun at all. But even if the food isn’t great, I’m sure it’s at least interesting at these parties?

Neighbor: A little bit. I mean, the conversations are OK. But there is a lot of old English so it’s hard to follow. And Antonin has a horrible fake British accent. He makes everyone wear these funny wigs and they itch like hell.

Bitter Lawyer: How is the house itself? Nice?

Neighbor: It’s weird in there. Every cabinet is locked. There’s nothing in plain sight. Everything is hidden away.

Bitter Lawyer: Have you ever asked him about any of this?

Neighbor: Yeah, but he doesn’t really talk.

Interviewer: Doesn’t talk?

Neighbor: Yeah. I mean, it makes sense. Anyone he meets could be a cop or an informant or something. He doesn’t want any details about his life getting out to a third party. He probably wouldn’t even like me talking to you. Don’t tell him about this, OK?

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  • Bob


  • shg

    The concept could have been funny. It just wasn’t.

  • Hal

    This guy should get sloppy seconds.