Failing the Bar Exam Can Be a Sticky Situation

Doug Stephan Lawyer, News & Views

Awww snap. It’s bar exam week. After months of studying for the bar and actually learning the law, you are undoubtedly eager to black out in a couple of days &#x2014 for a couple days. Starting Tuesday you will know more law than you will in your entire life. It all goes downhill from there. Just don’t sleep with your clients (unless you represent yourself &#x2014 see comments) and don’t cash out your IOLTA account for a weekend trip to the casino and you should be fine. Oh, and don’t fall asleep or vomit at your desk . . . those things are also frowned upon. But no matter how bad you think you did on the bar exam (and trust me &#x2014 you did better than you think) the following people are going to be knocked off by Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest first, so you got that going for you.

Tonya Ann Fowler called 911 to complain about the quality of her mug shot. The police listen. They care. So they gave her a chance to take another mug shot &#x2014 by arresting her again. No complaints here. Nothing is worse than a bad photo. Absolutely nothing. Let’s see what the second photo shoot produced:

Yikes. Rod Stewart has seen better days. It is like the Penguin and Marla Hooch had a meth baby. Not everyone can crush mug shots like Lindsay Lohan. Too bad you can’t untag yourself from a police mug shot.

If Harry and Marv were the Wet Bandits, Antone Owens is the KY Bandit. The 21-year-old Oregonian has been charged with breaking into multiple homes and surfing pornographic websites on their computers. In some instances lubricant and towels were found next to the computer. Antone . . . got to clean up the search and browsing histories. Seriously though, taking your sweet time here Antone? Lube and towels all ready to go. Probably have your noise canceling headphones around your neck. Go big or go home I suppose. Actually no. Just go home and take care of your business there. Much more relaxing and no burglary charges.

A 34-year-old man was taken to the hospital after jumping out of a moving car because he couldn’t stand bickering with his girlfriend any longer. The man and his girlfriend went out to eat for her birthday but spent most of the evening fighting over a possible move to another state. You know what they always say . . . a broken heart will mend but a brain bleed is pretty fucking permanent. Rookie move. Nagging is on page one of the Relationship Book. No reason to act like you just passed a Golden Corral. Is this your first rodeo or something? You trade bickering for semi-regular sex. It’s been that way ever since Adam took a bite of that apple to shut Eve up. On the bright side my boy here is going to have some pretty intense scars. Chicks dig scars.

Fred Willard was caught Pee-Wee Herman-ing it at the Tiki Theater in Hollywood. Apparently LAPD undercover officers found the 78-year-old star with his pants down in the adult movie theater. At least Antone Owens does it in the privacy of . . . someone else’s . . . errr . . . home.

Not a good look man . . . not a good look at all. I’m not talking about Fred Willard. What else do you expect from a guy who goes into watch hardcore porn at the Tiki Theater? I don’t think he is going there for the popcorn butter and to catch a matinee double feature. Okay maybe that is exactly what he is looking for but still. That’s right. I’m talking about the undercover officer who has to sit in there waiting for people old enough not to know how to use a computer to come into a porn theater. Guess that sticky floor isn’t from a spilled soda.

P.S. Just remember if you fail the bar exam your life is still infinitely better than the guy making minimum wage cleaning up the Tiki Theater every night. But then, being a lawyer isn’t much different &#x2014 although your hourly rate is a littler higher.

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