FDA to Distribute Free Zoloft to Exasperated Parents

Gregory Luce Lawyer, Satire Leave a Comment

zoloftIn an effort to bring relief to millions of parents dealing with school closings and dangerously low temperatures that keep kids indoors, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has approved a limited 48-hour free distribution of Zoloft to qualifying parents in 22 states. The FDA announced the distribution program this morning, to be coordinated with FEMA staff and volunteers in getting Zoloft to where it is needed most, primarily New York, Wisconsin, Minnesota, and parts of Michigan and northern Pennsylvania.

“We felt that, given the extraordinary pressure on working parents, in conjunction with an arctic cold that is keeping multiple six-year-old children indoors, distributing Sertraline without normal prescriptive safeguards is the least the federal government could do,” said FDA spokesperson Scott Warner, referencing the generic name for Zoloft. “My, God, my kids are driving me fucking nuts,” he added.

State and federal officials have already come under withering criticism from many parents, who feel the government has not  done enough to relieve them from the extraordinary pressure exhibited when children stay home from school for more than fourteen consecutive days, taking into account the holiday season. Some state epidemiologists are now reporting dangerously high levels of cabin fever, an ailment that spreads rapidly if it is not adequately controlled.

“We need help. Nothing is happening,” said Arista R. Collins, an 42-year-old mother of three who has not stepped outside with her children in two days. “We’ve run out of things, out of ideas, we’re starting to color the walls in our rooms with permanent markers. Where is our government when you need it?” Her clothes were soaked with sweat, and tears streamed down her face.

Warner promised to get free Zoloft to Collins and to other parents like her “as soon as possible, if not today.”

Informal neighborhood  booze distribution centers have already been popping up in states affected by the record-setting cold, which meteorologists call a Polar Vortex but working parents have labeled “a cold blast from hell.” The FDA warned, however, that in those states with free booze, taking Zoloft with liquor may lead to detrimental effects, though possibly not as detrimental as playing Monopoly “just one more time.” Warner added, “all I can say, it’s working for me. I mean, yes, it could be worse, much worse—we are seeing that.”

Post image from Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/divine_harvester

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