Femme (Not Quite) Fatale

Law Firm 10 Columns, Law Firm 10, Lawyer 26 Comments

I’ve got a timely query, and I demand an answer.  I demand to know why I have been cursed with the following completely useless set of characteristics:  I’m too hot for the courtroom; I’m not hot enough in a bar.

I put a name to my conundrum on Sunday morning while I sat (thanks to the Cincinnati Bengals’ bye week) with little else to do than ponder the memories of the prior night’s Halloween experience.  As is the case in most American cities, Halloween transforms Chicago into a veritable coming out party for slut-utantes of all ages, shapes and sizes.  And my neighborhood is the epicenter.  It’s the Hôtel de Crillon for debuting all the exponential multiplications of slut-costume haute couture.

So, I figured that spending an evening sardonically mocking people with a few friends at a bar would be a nice boost to the old self-esteem.  Sounds pretty reasonable.  But unfortunately, I was visited instead by the ghosts of my failed Halloweens past.

I’m heaping the blame on two mid-twenty-somethings, whose costumes could best be described as Strawberry Whorecake and a Foot Locker Salesperson crossed with a Stripper.  As much as I wanted to shred them to bits, I couldn’t help but notice that both of them looked very (very!) good in their utterly ridiculous costumes.  Sure, they were forced to fend off douche-y guys masquerading (probably in their everyday clothes) as Jon Gosselin.  But they also seemed to be having a lot of luck with some pretty decent-appearing guys—and were being asked for their numbers.

This fish-in-a-barrel scene, which kept looking more and more promising for the slutty-costumed duo, called to mind the depressingly lackluster affect of my own past foray into this realm.  It was the year I was a first-year associate.  Back then, I hadn’t thought about dressing up for Halloween since grade school, when any hope of looking cute in a costume was annually dashed by my hideously (though, at the time, de rigueur) large glasses and the L.L.Bean parka my mom insisted I wear Trick-or-Treating.  Those two roadblocks ruined everything—except for Halloween 1990, when the glasses didn’t detract from my Dick Tracy getup, and the big, yellow rain slicker counted as both coat and costume.

Those experiences had mentally stymied me from dressing up through all of high school, college and law school.  Then suddenly, my first year in BigLaw, I felt reborn.  And bold.  I guess it was attributed to all the, er, attention I was suddenly getting from men, both at the office and while attending motion calls and status hearings in state court.  In hindsight, I should’ve realized that giving weight to the lascivious stares of sex-starved male attorneys was about as foolish as a new guy in prison mistaking the other inmates’ sexual advances as an indication that he could someday win the crown of Miss Tiffany Universe.

Armed with my newly buoyed sense of hotness, I had set about planning a low-maintenance slutty costume.  I already owned a youth-sized Carson Palmer jersey, so all I needed was a pair of those little, black cotton gym shorts from American Apparel, knee-high tube socks and some sort of teased pigtails—and voila!—slutty Carson Palmer, at your service.  To me, it seemed ingenious, cute, sexy, and destined to lead me to the man of my lonely, single-female-lawyer dreams.

Fast forward to the end of that fateful night.  First, picture a shot of Slutty Carson Palmer briefly making out with her dream guy (an i-banker dressed as Family Guy’s “Stewie”) on a back-corner couch at Beaumont’s.  Then cut to a shot of Slutty Carson Palmer moments later, abandoned outside the North Community Bank ATM vestibule at the corner of Halsted and Armitage.  Lest anyone be mistaken, please understand: The only thing that makes shameful behavior and rejection worse is a subsequent quasi-walk of shame in a half-heartedly slutty costume.

Remembering that night’s long walk, alone with my thoughts as I revisited my childhood Halloween baggage, the only distinction I see between myself and Saturday night’s more successfully slutty Strawberry Whorecake is that while I’m a law-firm 10, she’s a real-world 10.  In other words, I’m hot enough to stop a Redweld-toting, Men’s Wearhouse-clad schlump dead in his tracks when I sashay up to the bench in Judge White’s courtroom, but I’m lacking in the je ne sais quoi required to be a hit in a slutty costume on Lincoln Avenue.  Which totally sucks, and sheds even more light on why I’m still and always single.

Thanks a lot, stupid holiday, for staying true to form and delivering yet another bitter pill for me to swallow.  Helped out, of course, by the bag of fun-sized Snickers that I placed in a little bowl on my desk last week just as I was falling under the festive spell of the season and its beguiling, albeit deceptive, charms.

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  • KateLaw

    Poor thing..  This post is depressing and I think she should really try to be more positive.  I’m sure that Strawberry Whorecake looked hot, but I find that girls who use Halloween to parade around in those XXX store “costumes” are definitely not worth the effort or time it takes to wallow in self pity.  Basically, their level of hotness (aka slutbaggery) is directly proportional to their intellect.  I can say this confidently because I’ve had friends who sadly fit into this category.  I’m thinking of one in particular who once asked me the difference between an attorney and a lawyer… and yes, she was serious as well as an elementary school teacher (scary!).  However, I digress.  I find that, while these girls are getting numbers, the intentions and quality of the guys interested are always questionable.  I’d rather be a LF10 hot ass smart cookie who goes home alone than one of those girls.

  • BL1Y

    There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.  Your problem isn’t your appearance, it’s your attitude.  You half-assed your costume and wonder why girls who put in a real effort are more successful?  It’s not really much of a mystery.  Guys will pick up on the level of effort you’re putting forward, and if you come across as lazy, it’s going to be a turn off.  We’ll assume you’re going to continue being lazy, which means this is the best you’ll ever look, and it’s down hill from there as you get more frumpy and expand in the ass, so we won’t count you as girlfriend material.  And, we’ll assume you’re going to be lazy in bed too, so we count you out as one-night-stand material.  If you wanted to do a sexy sports costume, this is what you should have been aiming for: http://upnextinsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/128953382593187150.jpg

  • That iBanker

    I smelled gold-digger, so I got some, and then got out while the getting was good. Stop looking for a Sugar Daddy, and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find someone who will take care of you.
    Btw, I hooked up with Strawberry Whorecake later that night. Saaaa-WEEEEEETTT!

  • BL1Y

    Kate: There actually is a difference between an attorney and a lawyer.  A lawyer is someone who practices law, while attorney refers to someone acting as an agent for another (though not all agents are attorneys).  If you’re writing someone’s will, you’re their lawyer; if you’re representing them in court, you’re their attorney (and their lawyer).  While it’s true most people use the words interchangeably, that doesn’t mean your friend was wrong for thinking their could be a difference.  After all, in English we tend to use different words to mean different things, and it’s pretty safe to assume there is a difference.  If you have a medical proxy, that person is an attorney, but they’re not a lawyer.  But of course, we don’t call that person an attorney, because it would confuse people like you who don’t think there’s any difference.  And how stupid is it to judge a woman’s intelligence by how sexy she is?  Ever consider that maybe she’s sexy because she’s hard working and dedicated (and thus is consistent with diets and exercise), and those traits would also lead her to be quite intelligent?  I’ve known plenty of girls who were both sexy and extremely smart.  And I’m not talking about liberal arts, smarty-pants lawyer smarts, I’m talking about real smarts, like math and physics smarts.  Women hope hot women are dumb (so they can compete), while men hope hot women are smart (so we can be happy), and yet we’re the ones called misogynists.

  • KateLaw

    Let’s not squibble over semantics, BL1Y.  The terms are used synonymously in the U.S.  I honestly don’t know anyone who makes a distinction and if you’re trying I suspect it’s based off a google search or something.  I agree, there are plenty of sexy smart girls out there.  However, I just don’t think they’re wearing strawberry whorecake costumes on Halloween.  If they are, they likely have some other issues (deep need for attention/insecurity) and you probably want to avoid a meaningful relationship with them anyway.

  • thenambypamby

    Carson Palmer did just rip the Bears to shreds the week before…

  • BL1Y

    Kate: The point remains that your teacher friend wasn’t stupid for asking what the difference is, because a reasonable person could believe that the two different words exist because they describe two different things.  The stupid person isn’t the one who’s curious and trying to educate herself.  And what about being smart precludes someone from also wanting to be sexy?  Just sounds like you’re a misogynist.

  • ATL_expat

    Hmmm, after reading all your blog posts through the past year, I actually think that you are in a relationship but wish you were single:-) Well, just like the truth on 30 Rock about gay halloween parties, I went to my gay friend’s halloween party.  Lots of gays, lots of fabulous costumes, lots of single attractive women and only a few of us straight guys (in superhero spandex tight outfits, which teh gays loved).  I made out and “such” with Dolly Parton who I just met…and the rest of the girls seemed to have a fab time….wait, what was my whole point again? oh, gay parties=fun! for all with an extremely low low douche factor.  Just saying, so you can plan accordingly for next year.

  • Hate to tell you this

    ATL_expat, I was at that party.  Dolly Parton was a dude.

  • Anonymous12

    just grrrrtttt

  • Magic Circle Jerk

    Wow, that was amazingly introspective. good for you for actually being honest with yourself.

  • SLO Law

    I’m starting to think that LF10 isn’t really that good looking. She sounds like an average looking, slightly over-weight wanna be.
    And one clarification – Are you saying a stylin 2 for 1 Men’s Wearhouse suit is bad?

  • Son of Guano

    She’s good looking. Even older lawyers wouldn’t check her out if she was a blob.  Older lawyers may be old but they’re not dead.  Notice she never talks much if at all about dates that went bad. I bet her standards are simply too high.  No interest in a lawyer her age or an older lawyer who would love to scoop her up. An older lawyer like me or even Guano would baby her like nobody’s business. But she wants a model-looking, investment banker type. Tall. Polished. Thick brown or black hair. Not stressed (meaning Trust Fund). Nothing wrong with high standards but deciding on looks alone–as i bet she’s doing- is the reason.  The bar was probably full of guys who hit on her. Just not the right ones. So life goes.

  • KateLaw

    Hold up a second… I am a people lover –All people.  Including women, so you are mistaken in accusing me of being a hater.  Perhaps my example of this hot teacher friend of mine did not accurately make my point.  She is not smart and she is very beautiful –both inside and out.  Just trust me on that fact.  However, she has bought into the misguided view of what sexy actually is, which I feel is pretty typical of females who lack a high level of intelligence and/or security with themselves.  We must define “sexy.” There is no reason to wear shirts cut all the way down your chest and a skirt up around your C U Next Tuesday.  It does not convey to the world a sense of your personal self-respect.  And guess what?  The chances of you being treated by guy with respect decreases exponentially when that is his first impression of you.  You see these shameless displays of “sexiness” more with females of lower intelligence.  You just do.  Bless their hearts.  I can say this because I have and have had a lot of female friends and acquaintances over the years and seen the same pattern.  Can you be sexy and intelligent?  Absolutely.  It’s a matter of determining what the appropriate amount of sexy is for the situation you’re in and realizing all that goes along with some of those uber sexy (aka slutty) outfits.  I feel like this is a difficult thing for any male to completely grasp because, at the end of the day, no male (well, most) has lived the female experience and realized exactly how easy it is to be viewed as only a sexual object and the lack of respect that accompanies that label.  The intelligent women I know who’ve felt the need to reveal a lot of skin in public have lacked some serious self-esteem.  A smart woman can be sexy without revealing all to the world.  Save that super sexy stuff for the right person (not “Mr Right,” just not a total loser) in the appropriate setting.  I honestly commend LF10 on the Ben-Gal costume.  It’s cute and the appropriate amount of sexy and, if she looks like she claims to, she should have no problem finding a great guy (perhaps she just needs to try a less douche-baggy bar).

  • Son of Guano

    Katelaw: i agree: the phrase “the one you wouldn’t show to your parents” has residual validity.  A better bar, or non-bar venue. I think she is too old for bars. So are the people she ought to be looking for

  • BL1Y

    Half assed is never the appropriate amount of sexy.

  • Guano Dubango

    While I agree with the commentators who think this woman may not be a true beauty, she is a lawyer, and we all know that lawyers who work hard have a hard time looking beautiful like a model.  I do not want a model, I want a lawyer, who is as beautiful as lawyers get.  I am willing to take a chance with LF10, recognizing that perhaps she is not that much of a beauty.  If she is interested in me and having my children, I will consider wedding her.  How can I take out LF10 for what you Americans call a test drive?  LF 10, are you interested in me?  I have an LLM from Georgetown and have the money to support you if you will bear me children.

  • Alma Federer

    I sympathize with LF 10.  We are both beautiful lawyers, but are misundertood, and are objectivized by men looking mainly for sex, not marriage.  Why do you men think we have worked so hard to become lawyers?  So we can just lay back and satisfy your needs, only to have you burp and walk away satisfied while we wind up with nothing?  We want MARRIAGE and a FAMILY!  You guys are forever leading us on, saying things you think we want to hear, but utimately, you prefer to be selfish, satisfying only yourselves, and then moving on to dupe the next girl over and over again.  It does not matter that we are beautiful, because there are ALWAYS younger prettier girls coming down the road with stars in their eyes to take our place.  How can we warn those women that they will get older and be tossed aside themselves for the next crop of younger beauties?  Well, I don’t know the answer, but that is why we are bitter women lawyers.  I want a good guy who will agree to take care of me and marry me.  Why is he SOOOOO hard to find?

  • manda

    you need to stop focusing on your looks.  seriously, i see fug chicks with great guys ALL the time, and they can’t all have dirt on their hubbies (in order to land/keep them).  fug AND fat.  you’re not going to find your husband in a bar, and you need to wonder if it’s obvious to men that the two-carat ring is all you really want.

  • Hannah Palindrome

    I love Halloween. It’s the only time year when you can get away with dressing like a slut!

  • Son of Guano

    Guano: I will relinquish my priority claim on LF10 if you cede any claim on Alma.  I’m not that into sports or sports bars, and LF 10 seems to be.  Besides, LF10 is posting less and less often.  But I do want more kids and new wife. Alma seems smarter than most women and I really like smart women. (Its a total precondition-ditzes turn me off).  And she hasn’t mentioned sports, thank goodness. Deal?

  • Guano Dubango

    Son of Guano, I wish to be fair, but I have been on the lookout for a adecent lawyer who I have a chance with.  I have no reason to believe that LF10 will bed me, let alone wed me.  On the other hand, I also have no reason to believe I am any closer to bedding Alma, let alone wedding her.  I would like to secure evidence of the fertility of each woman before I agree to waive claim to either.  Is this not fair?

  • Son of Guano

    Your careful consideration is instructive, but I suspect the concern is unfounded.  LF10 exhibits none of the diva characteristics of women who do not wish children. She likes sports, seems open to different types of guys (but see earlier post, noting her probable preference for preppy bankers) and evidences high intelligence. Probably very attractive. Has a slipping self image upon which you should capitalize.  I assume you will, in accordance with the Guy Code, and the New Blonde Wife Act of 1998, move expeditiously so I may know where you stand.

  • Matt

    Post a pic honey so we can judge for ourselves

  • Hannah Palindrome

    Rolling my eyes…

  • Beentheredonethat

    Oh, good grief!  Maybe the reason you don’t “score” in the “real world” is because of the kinds of parties you go to, and the company you keep.  Run with shallow, vapid, self-absorbed douches, and you’ll nearly always come in behind the Strawberry Whorecakes.  Aim higher, LF10– I’d rather be an intellectual “7” than a “10” cvnt.