Cheese and crackers—what the hell is wrong with Florida? I’m not talking about the nice touristy areas where I can sip on a delicious fruity mixed drink while rocking a Tommy Bahama shirt and white linen pants. Nor am I referring to the retirement villages full of people cheating at golf and waiting to die. I’m talking about the people who call it home. Natural born Floridians top the list of dumbest people in America. Florida truly is the ass-backward armpit of America. Let’s have a round-up of news from America’s penis (hanging long and a little to the left).
Police in Florida arrested Alicia Martin and Kathryn Rayannic at The Waterfront Restaurant this weekend for being “disorderly.” The gripe against the two ladies stems from their attempt to “get creative in an attempt to keep their ‘excessive’ bar tab going.” The terrible twosome’s plan: “They were offering to show their boobs for drinks.” When fellow patrons refused their offer, Martin and Rayannic were asked to leave. Outside, Martin punched the restaurant’s manager in the back of the head and pulled a knife on the chef. Chicks, man. I thought we have reached a point in the world when ladies don’t have to rely on their looks to get them through life. How rough must you have been to pull a knife on someone who denied your motorboat offer.
Buzz. Your girlfriends . . . woof. Generally most men would be willing to throw down a credit card for a look at a set of jugs, but when you look like Bebop and Rocksteady you need to try a different tactic. If anything, just friend the hot blonde at the end of the bar, and when all the guys blow a week’s paycheck for her maybe she will throw you a couple of pity drinks.
Who says Disney is the only place to have family fun in Florida? Meet the Brannin Bunch: Grandpa Allen, 54; his daughter, Amy, 34; her son, Austin, 18; and Tyler Cannon, 18, a close relative, were all arrested for manufacturing methamphetamine. Three generations of doing stupid stuff for money. Kind of like the Kardashians of crystal meth. Except the Brannins actually work. I’ve never made meth but it looks pretty intense on Breaking Bad. Nonetheless, family businesses like the Brannins are apparently the backbone of the economy. That probably explains why the economy has been in the shitter.
Speaking of shitters, this week alone two Florida men were charged with hiding crack in, well, their crack. Ramon Blair was arrested on possession charges after police found $100 work of crack “on his person.” Later, police told Blair to “undress, squat, and cough.” This resulted in the discovery of a wad of paper towels (a manpon, if you will) full of approximately $300 worth of crack cocaine falling from his backside.
Meanwhile, authorities in Jacksonville “found cocaine in the buttocks of a one-legged suspect seen hopping away from a car.” Aristo Wyman had stuffed a bag of cocaine in between his cheeks after police responded to a call about suspected drug activity. While you shouldn’t do drugs, or try to hide them in your ass, I think the real lesson is that when you become a pogo stick you got to retire from the drug game. It’s one of the Crack Commandments. Hopping away from a drug bust with crack falling out your ass is not a good look, bro. Time to find a new game . . . just not hopscotch.
Finally, it wouldn’t be a good Florida wrap-up without mentioning some redneck racin’. Joseph Carrara decided to kick off the NASCAR opening a week early in Daytona. The 22-year-old decided to travel down the International Speedway Boulevard after a night out on the town drinking what I can only imagine was some Old Milwaukee tall boys. You know its going to be a good story when it starts with Carrara crashing into the county jail at 3:30 a.m. Carrara dropped the truck into reverse and went back out for a late night drive. Around 4:20 a.m. he nearly slammed into a deputy’s cruiser, missing by only inches. Carrara was finally stopped and charged with criminal mischief, damage to property, trespassing, DUI and reckless driving. Too bad he didn’t Dale Earnhardt himself.