Four Coolest TV News Lawyers

With the right amount of looks and talent, who wouldn’t flee the life of a lawyer to talk on camera for money?  We previously unveiled our picks for the four hottest female lawyers working on television. This time, we’re giving the guys their due. But we’re not judging them on hotness because, let’s face it, Us Weekly we ain’t.

Instead, we’re giving you the four coolest male lawyers working in television news. We went looking for the most admirable, distinctive, enviable guys—someone with whom we’d most like to share a beer and story. For lack of a better term: Cool.

As we did for the ladies, we’ve cooked up our own methodology for judging it.  We’re still using six ten-point categories to find the top men on a 60-point scale, but we made some minor tweaks.  And, just like last time, if you don’t like it or agree, start your own damn website.

Law School: Top-14 law schools are flooded with smart guys. And while smarts are always cool (and we all know one Harvard lawyer who’s got cool perfected), a T14 man usually isn’t.  On the other hand, we’re not feeling TTT guys’ cool factor either.  So here’s the rundown (according to U.S. Newscurrent rankings): T14 graduates are awarded 4 points; Tier-1 graduates of schools ranked 15-50 receive 8 points; Tier-2 graduates are awarded 6 points; TTT graduates get 2 points; Those from Tier-4 or ABA-unaccredited schools get a perfect 10 because if you’ve risen like a phoenix from those ranks, you deserve the cool points.

Company He Keeps: Cool guys pull fantastic ladies. This should be obvious. So, we’re awarding points based on their companions’ sex appeal.

War Story: There’s a fine line between a cool guy and a total douchebag.  A cool guy always has a good story to tell.  You know, the kind of story that everyone wants to hear over and over again that doesn’t include the words “bottle service.” We’re awarding points to the guy who, based on life experience, likely has the best stories in his arsenal.

Controversy: You’re not a man unless you’ve made a few enemies. So it’s pretty simple: The bigger the controversy, the more points he gets—provided he doesn’t spin off into ridiculous land, which is what knocked Geraldo Rivera off the list.

Best In Breed: True, all of these men are accomplished TV newsmen. But being accomplished and accomplishing the title of “Bitter Lawyer’s Coolest TV News Lawyer” (yep, real title) is all about being the best. We’re awarding points for the most obvious of metrics: Quality of their work as a bona fide TV newsman.

Money: Money isn’t everything, but let’s be honest—we all care. So it’s one of the six factors here. While we don’t exactly have official tax returns, a little reading between the lines tells us if they’re rolling in dough or asking for seconds on the bread line. Points are awarded accordingly.

  • Craig

    This article is classic.  I didn’t find any of the guys particularly “cool,” but the post is hysterical nonetheless.

  • Anonymous

    What is this, Alma day?

  • Anonymous

    Rose talks too much.

  • BL1Y

    Gee, I hope some batshit insane unsexed self-important delusional shrew doesn’t call me a little boy in comparison to these real men.

  • Anon

    Abrams wins.  Gets the ladies.  Not sure I get it, but the facts are the facts.

  • anon

    Ya Abrams wins.

  • BL1Y

    Abrams didn’t win because cool goes beyond what women think of you.  If you judge your coolness solely by how girls treat you, you’ll never be cool.

  • Anonymous

    for my money it’s Watson.

  • BL1Y

    Sorry, but resorting to race baiting to get attention is not cool.  Besides, “socialist” isn’t the new code for the n-word.  The code word is “Mondays.”

  • Bravo

    Great stuff, humorous and enjoyed.

  • Anonymous

    That Rose interviewing Rose video is hilarious.

  • BL1Y

    “That Rose interviewing Rose video is hilarious.” QFT!  The only thing that would be better is Michael Showalter interviewing Michael Showalter.

  • Anonymous

    who’s race baiting?

  • BL1Y

    Carlos Watson, he’s claiming that people are using “socialist” as code for the n-word.  Everyone knows white people don’t use that code though, we says Mondays.

  • Lawyer Bob

    You really think Watson is race baiting, BL1Y? I don’t agree with Watson, but that’s hardly race baiting. If anything, he’s arguing that others are race baiting by using a new code. Not sure if his argument holds water, but then again neither does your generalization about white people.

  • Anonymous

    These guys are not that cool.  Abrams maybe, but the rest of them?  Come on.

  • BL1Y

    Making ridiculous claims of racism is race baiting.

  • KateLaw

    I liked the reference to Us Weekly… pretty sure I said something about it when I commented on their hottest females article a couple weeks ago.

  • Lawyer Bob

    Yes, making “ridiculous” claims of racism is race baiting. But the keyword is ridiculous. If you’re telling me that there’s no racist backlash out there at these town halls and tea parties, Mr. BL1Y, then I don’t even know where to begin with you. FACT: There is racism in this country. FACT: That racism is seldom overt, and if often takes the form of code words. Just ask anyone what “urban male” means. So, when Watson goes to talk about this, I don’t think he’s race baiting, even if his conclusions are incorrect. Race baiting, would be to bring up race out of nowhere and then use it to advocate for a particular position.

  • das

    What about ESPN legal analyst Roger Cossack?  The guy they bring on whenever they are talking contracts or some idiot shoots himself in the leg or “makes it rain” then punches a girl in the face.