[FOLLOWING THE SHOW’S BLOCKBUSTER FIRST SEASON]
So I just watched that first Sleepy Hollow season. Well, I played the DVD with the sound off while I put together a playlist for my kid’s Stud Sixteen party. It’s a tricky balance, you know? I mean, how much Eagles is too much Eagles?
That was a joke and you didn’t laugh. The answer is none. None is the amount of too much Eagles. There is no such thing as too much Eagles, no matter what your ungrateful kid says.
Anyway, I like the show, it’s dark, the guy has funny clothes, he’s like Captain USA but with a beard. Any chance of getting him a shield or something? A magic blunderbuss? George Washington’s talking teeth? I’m just spitballing.
Here’s the main thing, really. I love that the show is diverse, I really do. Apparently black people watch TV, which I didn’t know and plan to forget again as soon as I leave this meeting. Women, too. And I think that’s great! I think everyone should have access to television, no matter how gay they are. Are there any gay people on this show? No? Well, that’s OK. With all the demons and witches and stuff it’d be a little much to expect viewers to believe in homosexuals too.
Like I was saying, the main thing is that I just feel like my personal viewpoints aren’t being represented onscreen. I don’t tell a lot of people this, and I’d prefer that this information not leave this room, but I identify as sexist, and the show just isn’t quite sexist enough for me to feel like I’m really being acknowledged, you know? And there are other men out there like me, who are uncomfortable with seeing female characters with agency who aren’t completely undercut by their inability to handle their own emotions. So I think we need to do better with that.
I liked that you had that wife trapped in Exposition Purgatory; that way you could just have her explain what was going on and she had the slow-burn damsel in distress thing going and you didn’t actually have to develop her as a character. But now what are you going to do, now that she’s been busted out of Purgatory? Can you put her back? I’d really like it if you put her back. If you can’t put her back, then my advice would be to keep her the hell away from Iggy. What’s his name? Ichabod? Would you consider changing it to Chase? Maybe just Crane. Too bad we’ve already got a show title.
The point is, wives are bad. Superman doesn’t have a wife, right? He did? Well he doesn’t now. Spider-man doesn’t have a wife, right? He did? Well he doesn’t now. I had a wife. Two or three of them. But a man — a hero — doesn’t need a wife. It complicates things when he has sexual tension with the women he works with.
I am talking about the show.
How does Crane hook up with the hot detective when his wife’s hanging around? That’s what I’d like to know. And don’t say she’d be into it, because I have tried and tried to get a threesome past Standards and Practices, and those virgins won’t budge.
Crane and the hot detective. How are you doing to get them to bang?
Bad idea? I don’t see what’s a bad idea about it. I don’t judge your life choices, and believe me, that facial hair is begging to be judged. No homo!
See, what I think is, we send the wife off to live with the headless guy, but she sees past that, she’s sure she can reform him. Re-head him. Get it? Like be-head? Well, you write some jokes, then. Anyway she’s got feelings, right, because women always do, feelings are their, what’s the word…
No, no, no. The opposite of that. Weakness! That’s it. Women are always feeling things. So she has, like, feelings about the horseman, and about her son. And then you’re not sure you can trust her, because maybe she loves the kid more than she ever loved her husband, and probably she’s thinking about getting back with her ex just because he’s a good father or something, I don’t know, who knows why women do anything?
Do you, though? Do you really?
Anyways we get the wife out of the way, maybe get her pregnant with a demon baby. I love that kind of thing. Remember when Cordelia got demon pregnant on Angel? And then she got demon pregnant again, and fell into a coma, and then she died? Talk about character arcs! Plus it works because getting pregnant is what women are for.
These are my beliefs I’m talking about, I’d thank you not to judge them.
Anyhow Crane and the hot detective get together, and then the crazy sister finds out, and she’s jealous, because she thinks Crane is hot too, and then you’ve got tension, you know? Because women are always letting men come between them. They can’t help it. Men are like diamonds to them. Chocolate-covered diamonds. Because women like diamonds and chocolate, do you get it? Remember, I’m a sexist. It’s my identity. I have nothing to apologize for.
I don’t understand you people. But if you insist on not having Captain USA and the hot detective release the tension, then you’ve got to have something come between the sisters, because women who get along are threatening to me, especially if they are black and/or sisters. You’ve got to nip that in the bud or people like me won’t be able to watch. That kind of thing is wayyyyy too scary.
Soooo–again, I’m just spitballing here–I’m not a creative, but I get a lot of upvotes on Yelp, soooo–what say we add in a morally ambiguous antiquities trader for the sisters to fight over? Someone tall and blonde with soft facial hair that looks good with his shirt off. No homo. And, like, the crazy sister has a history with him, but he’s into the hot detective, and she’s attracted to his rogueishness. A rogue is someone who seriously can’t be bothered with other people’s problems, right? I mean, don’t base the character entirely on me, but if you want to borrow some of my mannerisms I won’t sue you or anything.
Great! Oh, and how about an episode about a sexy succubus who kills people who have desires? That’d be great, thanks. Good meeting!