Follow along with our awesome writers, who we have, somehow, talked into participating in this live blog debacle.
This week: Spooky Ginger Love, by Kendall Morgan, featuring a protaganist getting lost in the woods. And probably having the sex with some kind of monster. Just a guess.
To give context, here’s the blurb from Amazon: “Keith Norwood, a handsome African-American gay bear, came to Camp You-Mee’s Bears Haunted Halloween Boo-Nanza Extravaganza for some cheesy holiday thrills and a little ass. A fan of the one-night stand, he thought all he wanted was to get laid. The camp’s cute assistant manager with a fantastic butt was Keith’s first choice.
Instead, he loses his way in the haunted woods. He finds his way and himself with the help of Ronnie Gans, a big, friendly, hairy redhead, who is unlike any one-night stand Keith has ever had.”
So, we’re starting in the middle of action as Keith moves away from the fire ring. “The voices of his friends and other campers had become more muted.”
Oh noz! Keith has forgotten his campground map!
Man – nothing in my life sounds as exciting as a haunted gay bear Boo-Nanza in the woods!
It is a moonless night. And he’s definitely lost.
I’m already tense. Getting lost in a dark place without a map is a real thing.
Even without haunted gay bears it’s pretty scary.
Hug a tree, Keith! (That’s what they told me to do in Girl Scouts.)
But Keith WHY did you leave the safety of the fire ring??
And… “He tripped over a fallen tree limb, ending up in an undignified sprawl on the ground. The flashlight went flying.”
well, it should be easy to find the flashlight if it’s on
Oh, NOW A VOICE IN THE DARKNESS. “Easy there.” (described as ‘slightly raspy’) I’m weirdly terrified….
hey – he had his flashlight though, puts him above the usual horror film protags
Keith saw a man crouch down by his legs…. who is apparently just there to remove brush. (as it were.)
Maybe it’s just the assistant manager with the cute butt?
It feels like hearing “easy there” in the dark woods wouldn’t be comforting?
A big, muscular hand helps him. We get this description: “the man was fair-haired, perhaps strawberry blond, with a neat beard and mustache…. when he smiled, Keith thought he could see a prominent dimple on the man’s right cheek, giving him a cherubic appearance.” This may be our first erotica with the word ‘cherubic’ featured.
yeah nope – I would be more comforted by an actual “gonna eat you now” growl
They introduce themselves. Our rescuer is named Ronnie. They shake hands. (am disappoint!)
That’s some impressive night vision.
I feel like cherubic and bearded are mutually exclusive.
Ronnie.
Santa Claus is kind of cherubic
“You woulda been fine if I hadn’t come along, but I’m glad I did come along,” said Ronnie.
this is starting off as very congenial erotica
I’m OK with werewolves existing, but maybe not with Ronnie being a sexy name.
Oh, so our player Keith is too stunned to saying anything “smooth.” Ronnie forced to ask him if he’s staying at Camp You-Mee.
fair point Ali
You’re right , tinlizzy. This story knows that polite is sexy.
Oh, I suppose you’re right about Santa.
Although now I’m imagining this guy as a red-headed Santa which is kind of the opposite of sexy.
Polite is totally sexy; Santa is not.
Ronnie! Santa’s sexy redhead nephew!
Keith – pull yourself together, man!
We find out that Keith is here for the bears Holloween (which I just mis-read, forgetting about the whole gay bear think.)
The really stun-worthy stuff I expect is yet to come.
Feels like a grown-up Teddy Bears’ Picnic
Okay, with some back and forth we find out the Keith left the fire circle because he was headed for a hook-up and now Santa Ronnie is going to help him find the RV.
no I have the Teddy Bears Picnic song stuck in my head.
The RV = the recreational vehicle in which Keith was going to hook up with someone?
Oh! So they find the place where the hook up was supposed to happen, but it turns out hook up couldn’t wait and hooked up with SOMEONE ELSE.
Wait – a HOOK-UP hook up, or an RV hook-up
My question too
HOOK-UP like date!
Keith – you’re failing at the bears picnic, buddy. DO MOAR BETTER
Keith is sad. Looks up at stars. Santa Ronnie offers to show him something better… (okay, really hopeful here, guys!)
I’m sure Santa Ronnie is hotter than the guy with the RV anyway.
OH, but Ronnie is all like WAIT YOU ARE A STRANGER. Literally says, “Ever heard of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre?”
definitely
Oh, sorry that was Keith. Who manages to get over it.
Good safety, Keith
Alert: there is now hand-holding while walking under the canopy of stars.
Wow, okay, this is a slow build, we’re pointing out constellations now.
This is kind of disappointingly sweet and romantic GET TO THE BANGING ALREADY
no wonder it’s novel length
This monster sex is old-fashioned and charming
I mean frankly it’s probably what my erotica would write like – I’m just so damn polite, have to make sure everyone is doing ok, take time to look at the canopy of stars, etc, etc
…And a year later, they married and had sex.
Ah! Finally! They’re laying down to stare up at the stars and we have some hands on thighs… and….. “Ronnie unbuttoned and unzipped Keith’s pants.”
That is some rapid escalation.
Inded! We now have hands “dipping” into Keith’s pants. “He pulled Keiths dick and balls free and stroked them lightly at first.”
this is an excerpt, so it probably happened over like 20 pages, tbh
I like the idea of caretaking erotica tinlizzy
WHERE ARE THE MONSTERS
tinlizzy, aren’t we all, in a sense, monsters?
Keith is breathing hard, but taking the time to admire Ronnie’s hair “a light orange-red.” And, in the total darkness is able to see that Ronnie’s res are blue (or green)…
ali-davis you know that’s out there somewhere already
Ronnie’s what are blue?
Eyes!
Caretaking erotica in the fanfic world is tagged “hurt-comfort” and it is a HUGE subgenre of slash. /nerd
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF naomi-kritzer I AM NO MONSTER. ok maybe a little bit monster.
If that’s what you’re into, you will find enormous libraries of it. Billions of words.
We have dick stroking, moaning, and some kissing. Ronnie’s jacket is coming off. Aw, this is cute! “They laughed and started pulling off their own clothes.”
Like a hundred eyes? I want monsters
Aww
Anyway back to Ronnie’s eyes, I keep waiting for some hint that Ronnie is actually some sort of monster, but blue/green eyes are not anything interesting.
Cock out before jacket off is hilarious to me.
Priorities!
“His eyes roamed over his new friend’s body. His muscular body was covered in beautiful red curly hair… they seemed like muscles earned through manual labor…” Our first clue this is supernatural?? No gym body???
Not unless the blue/green eyes blink a nictitating membrane or pupils go to slits
“Ronnie’s hard cock pressed against Keith’s lower abdomen. Then Ronnie dropped to his knees.”
I’m surprised the jacket is coming off at all – I mean, cocks don’t need to come out by way of jacket removal, as is well known to be fact.
Maybe the author just finds redheads inherently spooky.
GINGERS ARE TERRORS AS IS PROVEN FACT
It’s really cold outside right now so if I were going to have sex outside, I would definitely keep my jacket on.
More supernatural stuff?? “Ronnie’s head started bobbing back and forth along the length of the hard shaft. He seemed so hungry.” Hungry??
Not all of us are doctors, tinlizzy .
We have a pretty well described blow-job here. Including a cum shot that “mingled with the fine ginger hairs that populated his chest.”
Urgh.
Time for some wet naps!
Keith is ready to go anal with Ronnie, but offers… a CONDOM. And then we actually have a sexy condom going on scene… (will wonders never cease??!)
Wet and sticky in the cold, damp woods…
Hurray for sexy condom-going-on scenes!
Oh! But we’re using spit lube, so… (ouch.)
I approve of erotica that makes safe sex, consent, and birth control sexy!
This book is so polite!
But there’s a little prep which I don’t think Tingle has ever written.
nice – polite AND ethically/personally responsible erotica!
Yay consent boo spit lube WHERE ARE THE MONSTERS OMG.
naomi-kritzer Same! 
Same!
Given how Tingle writes anal, I’m not only skeptical that he has a penis but I’m sort of dubious that he owns a butt.
Hahahahaha!
Right? No monsters, but you know, we get nice romantic lines like how Ronnie’s “…dick fit snugly, like it belonged there.”
I like the hand-in-glove dick-in-anus notion – well said writer!
I mean, we also get a lot of description like, “Ronnie pushed in as afar as he could go and then pulled back slowly but didn’t withdraw completely before pressing it back.” And there is a lot of “Oh yeah,” and “This is how I like it.”
Erotica so courteous, it’s SCARY!
So far this is charming.
We get this for a finale, “A few seconds later, he came. He went rigid and then bucked against Keith as his spunk shot into the rubber. Ronnie collapsed across Keith’s back but kept stroking Keith’s dick.”
It’s delightfully so other end-of-the-spectrum from being pounded in the butt by a bus cock!
But there had better be AT LEAST a werewolf-tentacle monster.
a vampire bus cock, that is. Which – don’t get me wrong is beloved of us all!
No disrespect to Mr. Tingle!
Okay, seriously, this is the most polite sweet/romantic erotica I have ever read, because we this: “They wrapped their arms around each other. Keith looked up at the stars again. This had been the most fun he’d had in a long time.”
Okay, then Keith falls asleep end of excerpt, but I’ll have page forward and see if Keith figures out he’s been ghost fucked (or even if he was.)
Aww. The way to a man’s sexy monster banging is through his heart.
Yeah, I mean, this is sweet and charming and hot, but I THOUGHT THERE WOULD BE MONSTERS.
OK, I don’t know if he’s figured it out, but he just woke up and realized he never took his socks off for sex (which makes him a man after my own heart.)
Oh, at least there’s no sign of any activity. EVEN THE CONDOM HAS DISAPPEARED. ooOOoooooOOOOOooooo
Normally that would be a point reduction for me, but we are in the woods. It just seems like good sense here.
wait but who takes their socks off for impromptu sex in the woods?
Ghost condom!
Surely someone as courteous as Ronnie would pack out his condom.
I sort of figured Ronnie for a park ranger and park rangers would surely clean up their condoms after sex and leave only footprints!
And… now because this is a slow burn I don’t think Keith is going to figure out he’s been done by a ghost for several well-written, romantic pages….
Yes! Hardly supernatural!
Damn you and your good storytelling! This was NO FUN.
(Is there erotica called “Hardly Supernatural”?)
Dammit.
HARD-ly supernatural. Sounds like it would write itself as a genre.
BRB gonna go get rich.
You could even call it HARD-ly supernatural full LENGTH.
Okay, right, so what have we learned, people? Nice erotica is ZERO FUN. Needs MORE monsters.
GENIUS!
That was it?
No sperm-saving vampires?
This was probably a lot more fun to read than the badly written nonsensical stuff but it gave us a lot less material to riff on.
so have we concluded that indeed nothing spookier happens here than sex-while-lost-in-the-woods-at-night?
No weredongs?
Well, technically there’s a couple hundred more pages, so that’s no doubt part of the problem here.
I mean who was that mysterious ginger??
I basically want everything in monster erotica that is the opposite of what I actually want in life, yes.
All we got was spectral spunk!
On the other hand, Chuck Tingle’s latest is “Slammed in the Butt by the Handsome Sentient Manifestation of Election Day” and anything related to the election is a no-go for me.
yeah naomi-kritzer I’m with you – a bridge too far at this point
That sentient of election day had better be really goddamned handsome.
besides – nothing can top the horrow show that was the Ted Cruz Christmas erotica…which was NOT Tingle iirc
Well, the good news there is that presumably at some point in the story, Election Day COMES.
I was done after sparkly unicorn Bernie Sanders, myself. But that Cruz one was epic…
I read Cruz-Rubio erotica for an assignment and I am still scarred.
No, the Ted Cruz thing wasn’t Tingle.
naomi-kritzer buh-dum-bum!
OK, this spooky erotica was so courteous that it was not courteous because it left all of us unsatisfied. SPOOKY PARADOX!!!!
Truth.
yes – I just feel sort of gently snuggled. NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR THIS MORNING
I know right? It’s sad that I’m like… needs more non-consentual tentacles…
(that said – props to the authors for their polite, condom-responsible erotica!)
Same. My horrible brain is like “Dragon cock at LEAST.”
Yeah, I mean, I’d say that if someone actually wants to read something erotically charged and enjoyably sexy, this would be a great pick.
If you’re looking for “so bad it’s funny,” keep looking.
(Yes! Props to this lightly spooky but sweet and responsible world!)
AND WORSE IT WASN’T EVEN BADLY WRITTEN. What is wrong with these authors!???
Just some dumb old well told fun. UGH.
Right? Assuming Polite Ginger Bear was a ghost fuck, i’m reminded of High Spirits. (anyone, anyone?)
Welp, that was a bust. Last time I take a recommendation from an author I’ve met, damn it. I should have known it would be too good to mock!
Spooky Ginger Love: Rated Too Good to Mock by Bitter Empire!
Spooky Ginger Love is a full-length (pun intended?) novel so I’m going to be reading an excerpt provided by the author(s).