WEEK ONE EPISODE TWO:
The last thing I want after two hours of that is another hour, but here we are. There is now a title sequence of everyone playing around like Love Boat characters set to “Almost Paradise” which once again undermines all that “this is about love, right reasons” crap, but it’s moderately entertaining and Harrison gets another opportunity to shill his romance novel. (Synergy.)
Here comes Hurricane Clare! Tenley is super excited to see her. Clare checks in with the women who are already here, which is very nice of her, and learns that basically everyone is coupled up. “So I guess I’m stuck with Mikey and JJ,” she says to us, the viewers. Now the show does some amazing selective editing to make it look like Clare is talking to a crab. I mean I assume it’s selective editing. You never see them in the same shot, but I’m also not sure who she is drunkenly talking to. Maybe it’s a producer, or a ghost, or Lauren. It’s just definitely not the crab, ok? Ok. TV is made of lies. Let’s get used to it.
While trying to decide who to take on a date, Clare uses the term “relashies.” She also later uses the term “privies.” She is a grown woman. Mikey T. invites himself on a date with Clare and she’s way too embarrassed to say no because clearly somebody hasn’t read The Gift of Fear. Clare tries to pretend it’s totally ok! Yay! Fun! Mikey T.! They go to another resort and I am again reminded that while these people are having fun in Mexico, I have to go to work tomorrow. Their date is…sexual tantric yoga stuff! This is horrible, and Clare’s face says it all.
Tenley talks to Mikey T. because Mikey T. is her wingman. She runs off to talk to Jared and Ashley I. cries about it. Then Ashley I. steals Jared and Tenley cries. Everyone is crying. Jared is telling Ashley I. that he’s open to other girls. “So I guess you’re not getting a rose and we get to go home?” Lauren asks her. Very nice sistering, there, Lauren. They then discuss the fake boobs on the show and Ashley I. shows off her nipple.
First rose ceremony! JJ is acting like a douche about having the power of the rose, but he is kind of always acting like a douche so is there a change? I half assume he’s kidding but who cares. Jillian and Tenley both hit on him even though they clearly don’t like him, because his rose is up for grabs! Tenley gives him permission to kiss her, I check Instagram again because the kissing is gross. This part of the show is all about competitively hunting down a rose so it’s fun, in a creepy, mercenary way, but still, stop with the creepy kissing.
Roses time! Tanner gives his to Jade. Kirk gives his to Carly. Ashley S. gets Dan’s rose. Jonathan gives his to Juelia. Tenley whines over the cute couples. Mikey T. gives Clare his rose, which means Jared gives his to the sisters. JJ gives his to Tenley, and Jillian and her new twin friends leave paradise. “Forever,” says Harrison, and it’s like, come on, Harrison, they can afford a trip back to Mexico.