How to Lose a Non-Lawyer Boyfriend

Law Firm 10 Columns, Law Firm 10, Lawyer 41 Comments

Even though I could easily fill my dance card with adultery-craving perverts masquerading as partners, this past holiday season marked the end of (yet another) fairly promising dating relationship with a non-lawyer.

The most-recent contestant eliminated from my secret reality game show “Who Wants To Make Me a Millionaire Stay-at-Home Mom” (just being honest) was an incredible, upwardly mobile MBA who was also the most attractive guy I’ve dated since I was 19.

Now that I only have a mostly unused elliptical machine and a 50-inch flat screen to keep me company in my precious few moments of free time, I can’t help but reflect on the cardinal sins I committed while chasing the 2+ carat cushion-cut rock of my dreams.

Here’s what I came up with:

1Admitting that I recorded the time I spent on dates with him and applied it towards my non-billable “marketing” hours requirement for the year.

2Bringing him to the firm holiday party and not leaving the right after the drunk partners began cutting loose for the first time since the last holiday party.

3After our second attempt at sober sex, answering honestly when he asked what I was thinking about and finding that nothing chills an already awkward intimate moment like “causes of action under the Uniform Fraudulent Transfer Act.”

4Telling his non-lawyer friends that my practice area is complex commercial litigation, then mistaking their disinterested silence for ignorance and slowly explaining, “When companies sue other companies, I help to defend them,” with a look of patient pity on my face.

5Convincing myself out of sheer laziness that he might have a secret fantasy involving Ann Taylor skirt suits.

6Constantly objecting that his answers to my questions were “non-responsive.”

7Picking apart every single detail that came out of his mouth during our (one and only) fight until he screamed, “Stop cross-examining me!” and stormed out of my apartment.

8Habitual use of “re:,” “inter alia,” “to the best of my knowledge,” “notwithstanding the foregoing” and “to the extent that” in emails and casual conversation.

9Staring blankly at him when he asked what I like to do other than work.

10Drunkenly revealing that I had (mis)used the Westlaw free password to conduct a number of public records searches on him.

When I look at it all laid out, it’s painfully obvious that the key to maintaining a lawyer-civilian relationship is to mentally delete all those asocial, annoying tendencies that make us good at our jobs—because those are the traits that make us horrible at our relationships.  Lucky for me, it’s a big city, so maybe next time.  Maybe the next attractive, high-earning businessman I date will get to experience a potential trophy wife who adequately suppresses her work self.

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  • Alex Hump

    Let me tell you, you turn me off too, and I’m a lawyer, admitted and in good standing.  I don’t care what you look like; with a dull attitude and actions you’ve listed, all but a very horny and homely lawyer will also show you the gate after boning you more than a few times.  Do we lawyers really want to spend time making you a non-working house frau?  No way, dude.  It’s no wonder you’re busy with the vibrator at night, even if you style yourself as a “law firm 10”.  In the real world, your no more than a selfish beeotch that is looking for a meal ticket.  Again, the only takers will be very homely and horny guys interested in you as long as you (i) look good and (ii) screw like a bunny.  Once either of these 2 go, so will you.  Beeotch!

  • Bill Dugan

    The Humpster is right.  This woman is not the type I would wed.  Too loud & opinionated (stuck on herself) and thinks she’s a 10?  Good for a roll in the hay, maybe, but that’s it.  No self respecting MBA will want to deal with this high-maintenance broad who will flab out within 5 years, guaranteed.

  • BL1Y

    Lay off LF10 for having such a lame personality, it’s pretty clear that, while likely grounded in fact, the reasons for the breakup are hyperbole.  But, I do agree that you’re not the type I’d want to marry; it’d screw up my dream of being a millionaire stay-at-home dad.

  • Ex-BigLaw

    I said it once and I’ll say it again guys: NO PRENUP = YOU’RE AN IDIOT.  If you don’t get one, she’ll have no reason not to quit working, let herself go, start withholding sex, and otherwise becoming a worthless sack.  If she won’t sign a prenup, then you know that the above is really her plan.

  • Anon

    Funny because it’s real.  Easy to forget your audience.  I have no clue what those other comments even mean in relation to this article.

  • Anon Female

    Agree. Very funny and real. Great piece!

  • Anonymous

    Strange how Dugan and Hump always seem to agree.
    HUMPSTER? When did these two get so chummy.

  • the stuff

    you sound like an obnoxious whore… i can’t blame the guy for dumping your fat ass.
    why would he want to keep tied down to a meglomaniac hour-billing skank when he could plowing through college level girls.

  • chad_broski

    nothing makes me cringe more than someone saying they practice “complex” commercial litigation. oooh! complex! you’re not just another big firm lawyer … you work on “complex” cases, which is so much more interesting. now please excuse me while i scrape out my eyes with a melon-baller.

  • Alma Federer

    The men on this post are so venomous, while the women are supportive.  Jerks who insist on a prenup don’t remember that WE are the ones that are out of the workforce, bearing and rearing THEIR children, so they can be at work, chasing the secretaries and paralegals.  I suggest that we do NOT sign any prenups; that way, we can afford to get fat while we rear their children for them.

  • Drew

    This bitch sucks.  Take her off.

  • BL1Y

    Chad: I assumed complex litigation referred to cases that were complicated by numerous parties, jurisdictions, and causes of action.  If this is right, then it would make sense to describe your practice as “complex litigation” to another lawyer, to say you specialize on the procedural side, and maybe not a specific substantive subject matter.  But, when you tell a non-lawyer you do “complex litigation” (as LF10 does), yes, it’s just a lame attempt at impressing people who really don’t care what you do.

  • Ace in the Hole

    Three cheers for Alma!  Have fun letting the years when you might have had children pass you by – you are a shining example of all that a girl with an entitled attitude can get.  Enjoy spinsterhood!

  • BL1Y

    Alma, if you have kids with someone, they’re not just his kids.  They’re also your kids.  I’m sorry your parents never had this talk with you.

  • chad_broski

    BL1Y – yes, there is something known as complex commercial litigation, which involves MDLs and class actions and other monstrous, headache-inducing cases. But I doubt that’s what LF10 means – she means she works at a big firm for big clients (another one of my peeves is when people say Fortune 100 or Fortune 50 … as if anyone cares). I doubt her practice focuses on MDLs. Regardless, you are correct that telling non-lawyers you practice “complex” litigation is the sign of a true douchebag.

  • Anon Female

    What are these tools talking about below? It’s as if they are having a random conversation about something other than what they just read. You sound very cool Alma! Not sure why the tools have to keep shooting you down.

    Maybe they don’t have enough work to keep them busy.

  • Eileen DeBonis

    Yes, I am with you Alma–fooey on these men who want to “pump and dump” us.  I am in it for the relationship, marriage, kids, and house in the country.  My man can enjoy that too, so I am not being selfish.  It seems these men ding us for wanting the same things they do.  Fooey on you silly men!

  • Ex-BigLaw

    I can’t speak for the rest of the tools, but my prenup thoughts were prompted by the author’s “Who Wants To Make Me a Millionaire Stay-at-Home Mom” reference.  Openly gold digging women make me think of two things – “whore” and “prenup.”

  • BL1Y

    I’m with you Eileen—Fooey on these women who want to “bait and switch.” I am in it for a short term no-drama fling.  My girl can enjoy that too, so I’m not being selfish.

  • Anonymous

    Let’s be honest, regardless of their profession, most women have dreams of wearing a 2+ carat diamond engagement ring.  LF10’s point is this; she is so absorbed in work and constantly deals with socially awkward men at the firm, that those interactions affect her sad and pathetic social life.  Her years at the firm have destroyed her social skill set and ability to talk and think “normal”.  I suggest she utilizes her 50” tv and watches some bad 80s movies or a show called Sportscenter .  Hopefully these programs will help expand her knowledge base beyond old leathery books.  I have not given up hope that LF10 is a real world 8 or even higher, but my confidence is dwindling.

  • Lady of Law

    This girl’s stuff makes me feel better about myself.  I exhale a little.  She’s like the girl on the floor below me who is so confident and chats herself up so much but in the end hits the same walls (and hits them harder) as I do.  Maybe her and Temp should think about having drinks.  I’m over him.  He’s all yours, 10.

  • Ace in the Hole

    Hey Eileen, are you willing to let the husband stay home at the house in the country and take care of the kids while you work to earn the income for the family, or does he have to provide all of this for you?  If you aren’t offering that, then you don’t really want the same things now do you…

  • anon

    By the way, Chad – the ironic thing is that preaching about the precise definition of “complex” litigation and MDLs is just as douchebag-ish as saying that your practice area is complex commercial litigation.  Pot, meet Kettle.

  • Including, without limitation

    I’m thrilled to see that someone else is put off by lawyers’ excessive use of “to the extent that.” It has tailed off a little recently, but in 2005 and 2006, the assclowns I worked with started every sentence with that phrase. 
    “To the extent that I’m hungry, do you want to grab lunch?”
    “Sure, but, to the extent that it’s raining, you better take an umbrella.”
    I voiced my annoyance to a colleague, and she seemed perplexed.  She said that it was just a substitute for “if” or “because,” but it made you sound smarter.
    Call me naive, but I still try to speak and, more importantly, to write in a way such that an intelligent non-lawyer could understand what I’m saying.

  • Anonymous

    I agree.  Now, pull your pants down!

  • Including, without limitation

    Anonymous, was that invitation directed at me?  Given the gender neutral nature of my name, you don’t even know what you would find if I were to drop trou.

  • Anonymous

    Let’s hope not!  I am assuming the person was a man, as women tend to be more discrete, when they want sex.

  • Anon

    Including without limitation: Funny.  Everyone I work with does the same thing.  Makes me crazy.

  • Fed up

    I had a horrible relationship very similar to the one described. My boyfriend always clogged the toilet. It was so disgusting and my apartment flooded. All the while I was mixed up in a class action law suit.

  • Anon Female

    I love LF 10! can relate.

  • exlaw

    Amazing article, the hardest part of dating a nonlawyer for me is during the fights and arguments.  I feel like only a lawyer can make sense and think under pressure LOGICALLY, and respond to the issues at hand, without a bunch of useless bullshit dancing around key points.  Even if the guys are smart (my I banking bf) the whole logical argument aspect seems to skip over them.

  • Anonymous

    It seems to be a chick thing.  Broads seem to love this poster, and men can’t stand her (other than for a theoretical boning job).  That explains why there is a war between the sexes.  Men want a woman to keep quiet (other than @ orgasm); and women want to be bossy and brassy.  This makes men like me weary and often just thinking it’s not worth the effort.

  • NonLawyer

    I just read your other artice about “It’s just lunch” and I’m wondering what it is about you that makes it so difficult for you to find a date.  By my judgement, you’re a successful lawyer, probably make a good salary, you’re witty (at least when you write), and you imply that you care about your appearance.  But you remain single?  As you said, maybe it’s because you’re pathelogically insecure?  Who knows….I would think you have reason to be confident but maybe there’s something you’re not saying that is the real reason you can’t find the “blue eyed European traveler” you’re looking for….haha…that just feels lame to write.  Oh, poor girl.

  • PR Attorney

    Your story (behavior, and attitude as well) is pathetic. You should consider leaving the practice.

  • 1L_Hell

    I loved this article!  I’m not even out of law school and I already am running into problems like these (and being gay, they all tend to be non-lawyers!).
    You’re a total catch.  Own it and believe it, rather than viewing yourself as the inevitable trophy wife.  Rather, think of them as the trophy husband that would kill to have you.

  • L.C.

    I have been dating a non-lawyer for over a year now. He knows how much I love my job, and I geek out over law stuff at work so I don’t bore him to death with legal jargon. However, I may have recently cross-examined him in a heated argument we had about SEC football- all in fun. As for our future plans, I think he is fine with my dream that he will be stay-at-home dad. Funny article!

  • Riaz

    First of all if you have to break up why you need to make so many blaming statements ? Dont know you accused him honestly or not, anyway its your personal thought and matter, what i wana say is that people who think for prenups are those who don’t trust in their partners, so if you dont have trust in a relationship then how can you expect a firm relationship ? It requires love, care, honesty and trust in a relationship, these are the pillars which support both on a life platform, sorry this woman sounds selfish and very arrogant to me, I’d never have even one night stand.

  • Amazed

    Holy amazeballs. Talk about missing the point. Hey guys, it’s a joke. I don’t know whether it’s because you’re legally trained or whether your sardonic-detector is broken but this piece was blatantly written with tongue firmly in cheek. Flying off hysterically and screeching “pre nup” and that you’d bone her once or twice, wow. What perfect man specimens you guys are.

  • Anon 1

    Funny stuff which I inferred was the intent.

  • southern bitter

    As a divorce lawyer, I find it humorous that so many of the guys have responded with such disgust. How ignorant to think the kindergarten teacher hopeful you plucked from her sorority your last year in law school is any different? When it’s time to ride the alimony pony, your soccer mom is going to be in much better shape than LF 10.

    Plus, keep in mind, women who can pass a bar exam are good with all types of jobs.

  • SEE

    Heavens, this brought out the haters! I thought your story was funny and full of humility about the tribulations of being a lawyer and dating outside the law.

    The question in number 9 gets me every time :)