Even though I could easily fill my dance card with adultery-craving perverts masquerading as partners, this past holiday season marked the end of (yet another) fairly promising dating relationship with a non-lawyer.
The most-recent contestant eliminated from my secret reality game show “Who Wants To Make Me a Millionaire Stay-at-Home Mom” (just being honest) was an incredible, upwardly mobile MBA who was also the most attractive guy I’ve dated since I was 19.
Now that I only have a mostly unused elliptical machine and a 50-inch flat screen to keep me company in my precious few moments of free time, I can’t help but reflect on the cardinal sins I committed.
Here’s what I came up with:
- Admitting that I recorded the time I spent on dates with him and applied it towards my non-billable “marketing” hours requirement for the year.
- Answering honestly during sexxxytime when he asked what I was thinking about and finding that nothing chills an already awkward intimate moment like “causes of action under the Uniform Fraudulent Transfer Act.”
- Telling his non-lawyer friends that my practice area is complex commercial litigation, then mistaking their disinterested silence for ignorance and slowly explaining, “When companies sue other companies, I help to defend them,” with a look of patient pity on my face.
- Convincing myself out of sheer laziness that he might have a secret fantasy involving Ann Taylor skirt suits.
- Constantly objecting that his answers to my questions were “non-responsive.”
- Habitual use of “re:,” “inter alia,” “to the best of my knowledge,” “notwithstanding the foregoing” and “to the extent that” in emails and casual conversation.
- Staring blankly at him when he asked what I like to do other than work.
- Drunkenly revealing that I had (mis)used the Westlaw free password to conduct a number of public records searches on him.
When I look at it all laid out, it’s painfully obvious that the key to maintaining a lawyer-civilian relationship is to mentally delete all those asocial, annoying tendencies that make us good at our jobs—because those are the traits that make us horrible at our relationships. Lucky for me, it’s a big city, so maybe next time.