How to NOT Sleep With a Summer Associate

Matthew Richardson Columns, Lawyer 25 Comments

My favorite time of year has arrived. Late spring. The flowers are blooming, the sun is shining, the skirts are short and the 2010 Summer Program is around the corner. As we all know, I struggle to resist the temptation of luring a hot female summer back to my lair for a night of meaningless sex.

However, this summer, I’m trying to avoid the temptation entirely.

See, I’m pretty busy at work again, and I’m a year older, which means I’m further away from ever being able to relate to these people on a social level (though I watch Jersey Shore, so I should be okay, right?). A few grays and a sore knee after three hours of pick-up hoops in the park last Sunday have suddenly—nay, painfully reminded me that I’m not in my mid-20s anymore. And just between you and me, it concerns me that my annual Summer-lovin’ skillz could possibly backfire for the first time ever, graduating me from a “Wild & Crazy Male Associate (WCMA)” into creepy mid-level-associate territory.

Let me be clear: I know my demons will come calling at some point.  But, in order to best to suppress them as long possible, I’ve drafted an outline—no, COMMANDMENTS—for how I will, for once, survive this summer and actually come out looking better in the eyes of the firm instead of worse. Sort of like the opposite of manifest destiny.

The first step in treating a problem is recognizing a problem.

My problem: I LIKE SUMMERS. A lot.

There, I said it. I like being able to use my summer advantages to get laid—and knowing it’s wrong and that I might get fired only intensifies the orgasm.

Oh, wait. It has almost gotten me fired before.

Last summer’s rendezvous with Wendy back at my apartment was awesome, but thinking back to that feeling of walking on eggshells the rest of the summer has the older, wiser me realizing it wasn’t so awesome. Danny Glover said it best in Lethal Weapon.  “I’m too old for this shit!”

Without further ado, here are Matthew Richardson’s Five Commandments for a trouble-free summer:

1. Do NOT Stay Out Late with Summers

This will be the hardest one for me to abide by. As you know, when someone says, “Hey, we’re thinking about going out . . . ” my ears perk up like a dog hearing the word “TREAT!” Actually, I’m foaming at the mouth just talking about it. And once that happens, only tequila and cheap perfume can satiate me.

It’s especially hard knowing that at any point I could easily take a few out, act like a pimp, throw down the corporate card and have the firm reimburse me. But, then again, it’s 2010—and that’s my 2008 self who’s sitting on my shoulder talking that nonsense. Plus, the girl in HR who had it bad for me and would flirtatiously overlook my accounting errors got laid off last November. R.I.P.

2. Do NOT Put Your Firm’s “Wendy” on a Deal with You

Note: “Wendy,” the name of the Summer I banged last year, is a catchall for “above-average Summer.”

Seems innocuous enough to put hot ass on a deal with you, right? WRONG. Next thing you know, you are exchanging blatantly sexual emails under the thin guise of actual work. For example, if I put a New Wendy on a deal, after two weeks, a version of this exchange is bound to ensue:

Me: How’s the checklist coming along?
New Wendy: It would be easier if the other firm actually sent me their changes.
Me: Oh yeah, John is such a moron. Did you eat?
New Wendy: Yeah just had lunch . . . but I could go for some coffee.
Me: Coffee sounds good. Can we make it Irish coffee?
New Wendy:  Lol, you’re funny.
Me: Not kidding, let’s blow off work and get some drinks.

Next thing you know, I’ve basically just committed to having a summer-long affair with the New Wendy because I put her on a deal with me. Nope. Once bitten. I’m sticking with all-dude deals, with exception to girls who are heinous workhorses and will therefore not tempt me. (Note: I’m talking especially heinous.)

3. Do NOT Take a Wendy to a Baseball Game

Another one that seems innocent enough, but I have learned from experience that the seemingly innocent events are the ones that end up being the most dangerous. (Use my cooking event last summer with the actual Wendy as a cautionary tale).

If I go to a baseball game, I am invariably going to make sure I sit next to Wendy (lest I end up next to my least favorite type of colleague, Slovenly Associate Who Always Talks About Sports). Then I’m going to make sure we order many beers because everything’s better tipsy. Then I’m going to deliberately make sure one of us spills something on the other one. Then I’m gonna make sure we miss the train or bus back, feeding some random excuse to the rest of the gang. Then I’ll call a car service for the two of us and bill it to a client. Then I’ve past the point of no return.

4. Do NOT Go To ANY Lunches

Yes, I know this sounds insane. For most of us, it’s part of the job. And who can pass up a free lunch at a fancy restaurant? Well, this year, I can.

It’s now my fifth year of these things. I’ve been to every nice joint in the city multiple times. I’ve ended up putting on extra chair-ass just like Summers do, and I’ve gotten mixed up in more of their gossip and inter-Summer dealings than I could ever give a shit about. If I go to even one lunch, I feel like I will be opening Pandora’s back because I’m gonna have a good time, I’m gonna offer to take them out, and then I’m gonna be barraged with offers—and at some point, one of those offers is going to include a Wendy at a lunch…and that’s where it all starts.

5. Do NOT Learn Their Names

Shut the frack up, you stupid-hot bitches. I don’t want to know anything about you . . . . I must treat them the same way I treat girls at a strip club. I want it to be a dehumanizing experience so I feel no connection whatsoever. If we pass each other in the hall, I want it to be a nod. No verbal exchange, no smiling.

In fact, don’t even drop off that book with their pictures to my office this year. I used to relish the summer face book. I used to treat its arrival like the arrival of my dad’s new Playboy when I was a 13. I used to circle the three or four summers I would consider banging and immediately start doing some stalker-ish Internet research. But this year, Nancy has a direct command to shred it on arrival.

Maybe this all sounds a bit extreme—and maybe it sounds like I’m depriving myself of any of the fun of having a big summer program—but like they say in AA: When you have a problem, you gotta quit cold turkey.**

My point is that I have an addiction to hot summers, and the only way to kick it is to throw the baby out with the bathwater.  So they’re officially all dead to me.  Goodbye, Summer Program!

**I have no idea what they actually say in AA.

PS: The real “Wendy” is coming back to my firm for her second summer. So I think it’s safe to say there will be another run-in with her come fall.

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  • Alma Federer

    This writer is DESPICIBLE.  I would NEVER be taken in by this man’s supposed allures.  As a woman, what advantage could any young summer associate POSSIBLY have with this aging slob?  I, for one, have ALWAYS been able to avoid getting into compromising positions with men, going all the way back to high school, when the JV basketball coach wanted to rub up against me in the equipment room.  I wound up putting some of that chalk on to his pants.  Then in college there were SO many guys who wanted to take me to their room at parties.  I NEVER even kissed these drunks, and they wanted so much more, that they made up stories about me that were not true.  My philosophy professor always said that we were soulmates and that we should test our strengths.  I politely refused and still got an A in the class.  The same in law school, when my contracts professor wanted to sleep with me.  I told him that it was NOT in the syllabus, and he wound up with blue balls chasing me, but I did NOT sleep with him or even kiss him.  And now, that I am working as an ATTORNEY, men always want to sleep with me, but I never let them even get CLOSE.  Women have to take command or else they will be the butt of stories by jerk-offs who will tell everyone we slept with them or gave them cosmic BJs in the office, when it is NOT true.  So don’t do it, ladies, you will always regret it.  Case CLOSED.

  • Hawk

    Alma = BS

  • Kilroy

    If I wanted to read about how not to get laid, I could just review my billing sheets.  How about a story that goes back to the basics of booze, sex, and coverup.

  • Lawyer That tells Women he Is A Hedge Fund Manager

    Alma, I agree with you about teachers and professors: those who try to hit on women students ought to be fired. But in rebuffing associates and junior partners….I think you are losing out on a lot of intimacy. I hope you don’t regret it when you’re older. Time passes. Opportunity knocks less. Windows close. Enjoy life before you hit 40. It comes up fast.

  • Magic Circle Jerk

    MR- Another Brilliant piece.

  • LB

    Lame. Not your best, I’m afraid MR. And let’s face it, your alleged swearing off summer associate lovin’ may have less to do with keeping your job as it does with the fact the average rising 3L is not going to be interested in you, your gimpy knee, and your sprouting gray hairs. And as charming and attractive as you may think you are, a quality girl is not going to be sucked in by a douchetastic mid level with an overinflated ego and a penchant for strippers and boozing it up on the firm’s dollar. Ughh.

  • miserable associate

    Lies. I’m sure he will still find some mediocre summer to bang..and he better tell us all the gory details!

  • Guano Dubango

    I agree with Matthiew.  Women in the law are very difficult to please, and as we get a bit older, we get a bit less tolerant of sillyness in these women, even though they are the nubile and fertile ones who will give us viable offspring.  As women age, they are not like fine wine.  In fact, they are more like balsamic vinegar, which they order regularly with their salads.  Meanwhile, they do not want to bear me children, even as I buy them expensive dinners.  I recommend that women who want to bear children make their intentions known, so that men like us, who wish to have children, can step up, marry and bang these women, have our children, then get on with our legal careers.

  • why so sad

    i guess #1 doesn’t get laid very often

  • Evil Lawyer

    In an effort to give this deserving site a summer boost, I request (in addition to a raffle for a date with LF10 with people under age 40), that it maintain (1) an Open Thread for Summer Associates to note their experiences (use a disclaimer, screen the comments and and post three times per week).  Let’s hear from summer associates being hit on by junior associates now putting on pounds and pallor; (2) the most ridiculous cost saving measure ); (3) an “Ask Alma” week so associates can ask her advice and I can either nod or laugh at it; (4) a “who will date Guano Dubango?” thread so the winner gets a date with Guano (but they have to come to his town for it wherever they are).  (5) an “Alma’s Answers” piece on condom use, conversational techniques, the difficulties of being smart and attarctive, why men are scum, and why she never mentions her mom.  (6) get Chick Litigator, Hannah Palindrome or some of the other women that seem sensible to comments on summer associates and their flaws; Come one, come one.  You are obviously be stretched, and we don’t blame you, so draw on talent and get more stuff up.

  • Anonymous

    Evil Lawyer may be on to something.  I think Alma should try to hook up with Guano.  I am sure he would be respectful of her mind and body. He could use a score, and she also needs something that Guano could give her, as long as he doesn’t wimp out.

  • son of guano

    Alma and her ilk are unrealistic. Living in fantasyland. Women have advanced for hundreds of years by linking with men capable of advancing them. Alma proposes that women lawyers discard this workable system widely used everywhere apparently except law firms. She proposes that good looking women grind along like the nerdy looking guys that have no choice. An attractive woman can skip over the rock pile of associate life by linking with an older lawyer or partner.  Why not? What is so great about spending youth in document productions when you could be in Hawaii? What is so bad about rewarding the man that can pull you out of the gulag?  Is Alma’s office drudgery superior to another woman’s tour of the Scottish highlands with a junior partner? (I am assuming the partner isn’t gross and is unmarried).

  • Anon

    The worry about the partner being married is silly: a woman is not the morals enforcer for a marriage. That idiotic view creates nothing but misery: men lose because their wives don’t have to compete for them; women lose because older men with resources are afraid to date them; the wives lose out because they simply grow old in a loveless marriage. Ugh!

  • Anonymous

    Alma, how many batteries do you go through each month? Does your b.o.b. use C’s or AA’s? I’d imagine that gets pricey.

  • Anonymous

    I think Alma would be different if she got a good boning.

  • A. Non.

    Love the article.  I’m now going to check out your old articles.
    I also wanted to call #1 a whiny bitch.

  • John

    No posts in over a month? Come on, Mr. Richardson—you, LF10, and Ex-Bitter are the reasons I come to this site. Entertain me, please!

  • Michelle Beth

    Alma, I like you a lot. Just so that you know, I practice tunnel vision.

    • Guano Dubango

      I believe this woman is, what we call in my country, a rug muncher.

      • Michelle Beth

        Hey Guano Dubango, Fuck your country and fuck all your countrymen – bunch of 3rd world bigots. Like Kimber Russell said, “Suck my balls”.

      • Michelle Beth

        Hey, By the way, you don’t know how yummy it is to munch on the rug. Yum Yum.

        • Guano Dubango

          I wonder if you have a desire to do same, and that you may in all actuality be of the male species who has yet to experience any form of sexual intimacy. It is not manly to hide behind a female name. I suggest you “man up” and recognise that there may be a female out there for you after all.

          • Michelle Beth

            Look you dumb fuck – You like what you like, and I like what I like. Nothing personal. First you called me a rug muncher, then you resorted to this manhood bullshit as if I am not worthy for you to argue with given I am a woman. If this is the way you argue in court, you are much less than the half-ass lawyer you claim to be. Believe me, for men like you, it goes a long way to learn to eat pussy.

          • Guano Dubango

            Calm down, knave. In my country, all biological women learn to keep their dashikis down, especially in public, and are never outspoken to men, let alone to leaders of lions. If you are a true female, even one a butchy one, please post a picture so that we can verify your parts. If you are on the Face Book, you may post a link. I am not interested in having sex with you.

  • Jen