I Eat Pieces of Solo Shit for Breakfast

Ex-Bitter Columns, Lawyer 9 Comments

QHonestly, I’m not a regular reader of Bitter Lawyer but a friend passed on a recent post from “Chank.” Who is this guy? What a crock, providing “SmallLaw advice for BigLaw.”

I’m an associate at a large firm and I eat pieces of solo shit like him for breakfast. Seriously. Every solo attorney I’ve come across as opposing counsel I’ve pummeled into submission, either by burying them with work or out-maneuvering them with various requests and objections. They sue a corporate client thinking there’s a stream of easy money. Once the firm lets me loose, it’s all over. Tell Chank to go back to whatever countrified hicktown he came from. We don’t need him.

AI can’t help but steal a line from your favorite movie, Happy Gilmore, and ask “You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?” Honestly? While you may not be a “regular reader” of BL, you are as full of shit as any of us. If you are an associate at a large firm—or at least a reputable large firm—you are not “let loose” on cases involving a “corporate client.” That’s crap. Unless you are confusing your day-to-day search for typos with the piddly pro bono cases you take on, thinking they’ll be easy and you can use your overmuscularized ego to “pummel” some unlucky attorney—but unlucky because you happen to be an asshole. Let me guess. Your cases? One is a housing court case against a pro se landlord who thinks of himself as a wannabe attorney. You feel like a trial warrior because you draft fifteen pages of meaningless interrogatories when all the court needs to know is whether you client paid rent or not, a yes-or-no question. The other is a small claims matter you took on for a friend and you’ve managed to remove it—somehow—to federal court. Great. Nice work, General Cardozo.

Knock off the large firm cock walk. I’ve come across plenty of solo or small firm attorneys who, if I didn’t practice carefully, would clean my clock. You’re no different as an attorney than any other. You just work as an associate at a big firm. Which means you are probably fed up with document reviews, dealing with a stifling dress code, and scooping up the regular crap the partners dole out. But a guy can dream, can’t he?

(image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/soulsoap/5269331843/)

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  • Quadoz

    Nice work Ex-bit.

    Smack that bitch down!

    City Cop by Midnight, Rookie Lawyer by Day

  • Luke F

    Nice job! This lawyer is chatting sh*t!

  • http://msdrjuris.blogspot.com Eventual Lawyer

    Love it. What an asshole.

  • Guano Dubango

    I am very respectful of all members of the bar, big firm or solo, male or female. It is only in this way that I can hope to find the right woman to bring home to start a family in my home country, as my Aunt Ooona is very demanding and she has already rejected 3 potential female lawyers.

    If there are eligible female lawyers, please to step forward and identify yourselves.

    • Laura

      What are the benefits? And where is this “home country”? And what are the expectations regarding “starting a family”? I think before any woman should be willing to sign up for consideration, you should at least make it clear what it is she would be getting into (other than you).

  • aunt Ooona

    Guano, your problem is you to nicea. Women wan a man to be a leetle more assertive . why you think romance novels always have da man seizing da woman or pulling her to heem lika real man? I wan you to marry a real woman notta lawyer dat hasa bigger balls dan you do. Listen to dat Laura, all she wnats to haf izza benefits. She weel take all your money an leef you broke. Go finda a reel woman who knows how to please a man.

    • Bill

      This beeotch is right. Guano’s got no nuts. He should just bang the broads rather than court them to death, because the broads aren’t going to spread like peanut butter after he’s been beating around the bushes for years. Get a pair, Guano!

  • http://www.constitutionaldaily.com BL1Y

    It’s actually a misconception that junior associates at big law firms spend a large amount of time doing document review.

    They will get some when there’s not enough other work to go around, to keep them billing, but it’s normally farmed out to non-associates, like contract attorneys, staff attorneys, and “permanent associates.”

    They tend to gripe about it more than other chores, making it look like this is most of what they do, but it’s not. Also, much of their “doc review” is actual analysis of documents, not the mere coding that the basement dwellers do.

  • Bruinbum

    This one hits close to home, cuz I am the pieces floating in the bowl. Thank you for keeping it real and sticking up for us.