I Played The John Cena Dating Sim So You Don't Have To

I don’t have a long or extensive history with dating sims, so I was surprised to find myself being murdered by the school bully in one I played recently. But maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised: the game is called John Cena’s Sexy High School Adventure, after all.

Yes, that is a thing that exists: John Cena’s Sexy High School Adventure. You play Fucco-san, the newest John Cena at John Cena High School. When you arrive, you quickly meet your first friend:

I was already feeling ready to bail on this game. But, as the man himself tweeted:

Finding productivity out of an almost hopeless situation is what separates those who talk and those who #dothework

— John Cena (@JohnCena) April 19, 2015

John Cena lets you know where to go for your first class. It’s WWE history, with Mr. Cena.

Things go fairly smoothly until you meet the school bully, Johnny Cena. It’s the same photograph of John Cena, but with a red anarchy symbol painted on his chest, and mean eyebrows drawn on his face. He slaps your notes into a puddle. I chose to fight him — I figured my odds were probably even, since I also was John Cena. Unfortunately, he got the pin and I was dead.

On my next time through, I knew not to try to fight the bully and picked “run home like a big baby” instead. This seemed to work, and at school the following morning, I learned that the John Cena prom was coming up the next day. Lo and behold, at the prom I ran into Johnny Cena again, as well as his date: Jane Cena.

I didn’t have a date, but I met up with friendly John Cena inside. He suggested we go back to my place for some hot, sweaty… wrestling.

At this point I’d normally say that the story goes “off the rails,” but that kind of implies there were any rails to begin with. Basically what happened was, I got taken to detention, which looked a lot like a jail cell, escaped through the sewer pipes, and found my way back to class. Then Mr. Cena told us we all had to go on a field trip, which happened to be in the sewer. We met a large red John Cena monster, and a John Cena knight appeared out of nowhere and I helped him slay the beast. Then we had a “neat party” with pizza and wrestling.

Many times the biggest weight you can lift is the burden of stress. Peacefully recharged and wonderfully content. pic.twitter.com/SXVXLsbXrP

— John Cena (@JohnCena) April 5, 2015