Q: Is there anyway [sic] I can learn to speak like a lawyer without going to law school? I think it will be helpful for picking up guys if they think I’m an atturney [sic].
A: Based on your demonstrably impressive command of spelling and grammar, I’m going to assume that you’re serious (anyone with the ability to comprehend that a little red squiggly line beneath a word indicates improper spelling is typically intelligent enough to implicitly understand that lawyer is second only to proctologist in rankings of the “least sexy” and “most off-putting” professions for women to have). In other words, I strongly suggest that you avoid acting like a lawyer at all costs if you want to attract men. I’m serious, and my opinion is based on years of personal experience. Put it this way: I would be willing to bet that (for guys) “imagine she’s a lawyer” is an even more foolproof method than “think about grandma” for delaying an orgasm during sex. Come to think of it, they should probably change the final clause in the disclaimer at the end of erectile dysfunction medication commercials—“If you experience an erection lasting more than five hours”—from “you should call your doctor” to “you should envision yourself having intercourse with a female attorney.”
If you don’t believe me when I say that a girl talking like an attorney is the polar opposite of sexual napalm, I can prove it to you by answering your question. Here’s a quick list of tricks you can use to sound like an attorney, which (I promise you) will have the instant effect of alienating any guy you speak to (thereby proving my point):
1. Make frequent use of “to the extent that” in conversations, exclusively for the purpose of noting and/or clarifying an irrelevant distinction, or (better yet) for belaboring an inapposite point.
2. Use the word “inapposite.”
3. Interrupt other people’s discussions about their work and/or business to offer (unsolicited) warnings about hypothetical legal liability that could arise from such behavior.
4. Say things like “such behavior.”
5. Constantly interrupt to tell others that you understand any point they’re trying to make.
6. Avoid agreeing with people at all costs, even when making small talk about utterly inconsequential minutiae.
7. Have an emphatic opinion about everything. Make these opinions known even if you aren’t asked for them, in a tone of voice that defiantly challenges anyone within earshot to disagree with you.
8. Pretend to be modest while simultaneously conveying an air of haughty superiority. Note: to truly perfect this, it’s probably necessary to work in Big Law for at least two years and/or graduate from a top-25 law school.
9. If you hear someone talking about TV, exercise, movies, traveling, cooking, shopping (or really anything other than work), roll your eyes and say, “It must be nice to actually have free time.”
10. Play devil’s advocate in almost every conversation, for no reason whatsoever.
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