I Want to Sound Like a (Hot Female) Attorney

Q: Is there anyway [sic] I can learn to speak like a lawyer without going to law school? I think it will be helpful for picking up guys if they think I’m an atturney [sic].

A: Based on your demonstrably impressive command of spelling and grammar, I’m going to assume that you’re serious (anyone with the ability to comprehend that a little red squiggly line beneath a word indicates improper spelling is typically intelligent enough to implicitly understand that lawyer is second only to proctologist in rankings of the “least sexy” and “most off-putting” professions for women to have). In other words, I strongly suggest that you avoid acting like a lawyer at all costs if you want to attract men. I’m serious, and my opinion is based on years of personal experience. Put it this way: I would be willing to bet that (for guys) “imagine she’s a lawyer” is an even more foolproof method than “think about grandma” for delaying an orgasm during sex. Come to think of it, they should probably change the final clause in the disclaimer at the end of erectile dysfunction medication commercials—“If you experience an erection lasting more than five hours”—from “you should call your doctor” to “you should envision yourself having intercourse with a female attorney.”

If you don’t believe me when I say that a girl talking like an attorney is the polar opposite of sexual napalm, I can prove it to you by answering your question. Here’s a quick list of tricks you can use to sound like an attorney, which (I promise you) will have the instant effect of alienating any guy you speak to (thereby proving my point):

1. Make frequent use of “to the extent that” in conversations, exclusively for the purpose of noting and/or clarifying an irrelevant distinction, or (better yet) for belaboring an inapposite point.

2. Use the word “inapposite.”

3. Interrupt other people’s discussions about their work and/or business to offer (unsolicited) warnings about hypothetical legal liability that could arise from such behavior.

4. Say things like “such behavior.”

5. Constantly interrupt to tell others that you understand any point they’re trying to make.

6. Avoid agreeing with people at all costs, even when making small talk about utterly inconsequential minutiae.

7. Have an emphatic opinion about everything. Make these opinions known even if you aren’t asked for them, in a tone of voice that defiantly challenges anyone within earshot to disagree with you.

8. Pretend to be modest while simultaneously conveying an air of haughty superiority. Note: to truly perfect this, it’s probably necessary to work in Big Law for at least two years and/or graduate from a top-25 law school.

9. If you hear someone talking about TV, exercise, movies, traveling, cooking, shopping (or really anything other than work), roll your eyes and say, “It must be nice to actually have free time.”

10. Play devil’s advocate in almost every conversation, for no reason whatsoever.

Post image via Shutterstock.

  • Jerry

    This broad could definitely use a boning. Query whether she spreads her legs for law firm partners?

  • JP

    Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful.

    First, thank you for your comments about IJL. I began the initial interview, being reminded several times how professional IJL was – this from a young woman who hadn’t been to college! She wouldn’t answer ANY of my questions, she just kept asking me questions, and then tried to schedule me for “an interview”. Lots of bad feelings. I delayed. Then, I read your blog. Thank you so much – it was a joy, in addition to being informative.

    Second, I, too am an attorney, and would like to find someone who can converse with understanding on some intellectual topics. It’s really difficult. Believe it or not, I would enjoy conversation with a female attorney who wasn’t trying to show that her gonads were larger than my gonads.

    I have no advise – alas; the search continues.

    However, your blog inspired me to continue looking and provided me with some good laughs. Thank you SO much. If you are ever in Sacramento, I’ll be happy to buy you lunch – we will laugh!


    • Marie

      Great article! It’s funny because it’s true. Men are normally not attracted to the intellectual female, I find myself playing dumb ALOT.

      @JP -I feel your pain, but on the female side. I’m a law student and always searching for good conversations with men who won’t be intimidated by the fact that I study law OR who won’t look down upon me because they are intellectually superior and/or far advanced in their careers. So far it’s a losing battle.

  • Maria

    You should add that these 10 tricks are equally unattractive to women, as you must be aware of since you used them to demonstrate to a woman how unattractive such behavior is. There’s nothing I find less attractive in boys than spouting legalese in compensation for a lack of raw intelligence. Please warn the male readers not to make such stupid mistakes.

    • Jill

      I have always found that men who are lawyers are more attractive than similarly plain men who are not lawyers because the men lawyers have earnings potential that makes them a lot more palatable. I can put up with a lawyer, no matter how generally unattractive he is, as long as he has a bankroll he is not afraid to spend on me. I just pretend I am going out with a movie star — not everyone is a Ben Affleck–there are a lot of Danny DeVito’s out there, and a $200 meal at a great restaurant is not something every guy can give me, so if an unattractive lawyer is willing to pick up the check, I can easily go to bed with such a guy.

  • TexJudge

    Isn’t “hot female attorney” an oxymoron, like “white slam dunk artist”?

  • AKShadylawer

    This is hilarious! I am not a lawyer but I am aspiring to be a paralegal, anyhow my ex wh I was never married to but have kids with is a lawyer and he has always spoke to me like I was Or is a client. ALWAYS using ridiculously big words that (A) He either thinks I won’t understand and will have cunningly “tricked” me or (B) He is trying to sound effortlessly smart. It’s probably both a & b. Point here is, in my opinion even if you ARE a lawyer or just want to sound like one, male or female both it is not attractive and you are not cool. No one thinks you are the shit and if you are really that intelligent then you don’t have to prove it. People will recognize it. Body language, class and being humble when the time calls for it means everything. Save it for the courtroom where people actually care.