Idiotic Legal News, European Edition

What is wrong with Europe today? I’m not talking about the giant mess that is their economy or why some of their leaders sound like entries in the urban dictionary (read Merkel). Nor am I talking about why dead bodies are turning up on royal property. I’m not even talking about why Pippa Middleton hasn’t called me back yet. Seriously though, holla at me Pippa. No, what is really weird is why they are trying to become American with crazy lawsuits. Stupid lawsuits are as American as apple pie. Now they’ve gone international. I present to you Idiotic Legal News, European edition.

We start today in England, where the Redcoats hit an all time low in legal news this week. A British court has banned a man from owning a dog for three years after his puppy was found ‘white girl wasted.’ Apparently, Matthew Cox had been drinking with a friend when he went outside to smoke. Max, a Labrador puppy, took the opportunity to sneak some booze and drank his owner’s vodka and coke. The puppy was later spotted staggering and falling over near Cox’s home. After an emergency trip to the vet to have to dog version of a stomach pump and an IV, Cox was arrested and charged with endangerment. Magistrate J.A. Smith called the incident “downright stupid.”

No kidding. Who drinks vodka and coke? Max was probably stumbling around the yard looking for Cox’s man-card that was obviously buried. Probably barking to the neighborhood dogs making fun of his owner and trying to find a normal drink. Bono the Irish Terrier probably slamming Jameson and car bombs and Norman the Golden Retriever is having a Budweiser Harry Caray style. Seriously, I would rather be a cat drinking white wine than be poor Max stuck with Absolut and Coke Zero. Matthew Cox should be banned from drinking for three years, not owning a dog.

Not to be outdone by their dueling inferiority complex for each other, French fans of Michael Jackson are suing Conrad Murray for “emotional damage.” Wait. What? Murray, as you may have heard if you own a computer or television or radio or have a friend, was found guilty in November of involuntary manslaughter and sentenced to four years in prison stemming from the death of Jackson. “It’s similar to losing a childhood friend in a traffic accident. Because this death affects you, you have the possibility to file a suit and seek compensation,” lawyer Emmanuel Ludot said. Um, no it’s not France. The group of about 100 fans, calling itself the “Michael Jackson Community,” could seek up to $13,000 per fan. Their attorney, however, is hoping for a symbolic Euro as damages.

Seriously, do we need France anymore? I can get all your fancy cheese and a box (yeah a whole box) of wine at Walmart now. What was the last cool thing France did? Pasteurization? ‘Merica has dominated French Freedom Fries and IHOP revolutionized the French Toast game. French kissing was cool in 7th grade. Now it’s just gross. New motto: France, embarrassing earth since WWII.

Update: Quick, a French fast food chain has revealed a promotional “Dark Vador” burger with a “Star-Wars inspired black bun.” Touché Frenchy, touché. Everybody knows that the best way to redeem yourself in the hearts and minds of America is weird, likely extremely fatty and probably cancerous food. You can be our kid brother for a little longer but you will have to bring me croissants and a bottle of champagne once a week.

  • Ellen

    The French are NOT funny. I do NOT even like French Freis b/c they are so greeazy! FOOEY on them. FOOEY! I do NOT even like Karla Bruno any more since she deceided to have sex with Sir Cozy! I can NOT imageine him on top of me. FOOEY! FOOEY!