If You’re Excited for 'Sex and the City 2,' Go Screw Yourself

Law Firm 10 Columns, Law Firm 10, Lawyer 29 Comments

Two repulsively women-centric events are scheduled for this coming Friday: (i) a Lunch ‘n Learn session sponsored by my law firm’s Women’s Initiative; and (ii) the premiere of Sex and the City 2.

I’m about to say something unprecedented: If I had to choose between the two, I would go to the former.

I would prefer to surround myself with the world’s most depressing female attorneys, endure a paltry lunch spread from Potbelly’s, and listen to a D-list female municipal court judge talk about nothing than sit through two hours of fashion product placements and predictable humor amongst the adult female equivalent of dorky IT guys in costumes at a Star Wars screening. Yes, I would rather brainstorm about rainmaking opportunities with a bunch of Elena Kagan lookalikes than subject myself to 146 insufferable minutes of oral sex double entendres delivered by a menopausal glamazon.

That’s the most accurate way of summarizing my level of derision re: the SATC franchise.  I have ZERO tolerance for its forced fabulousness, which sucks every ounce of would-be charm out of the exquisitely-appointed, stiletto-clad semi-hags who masquerade as the main characters.  I realize that makes me public enemy number one to the hordes of women who already have their Forever 21 and Zac Posen for Target cocktail frocks picked out in giddy anticipation of this weekend’s “Girls’ Night Out!” In fact, I can practically hear the deafening cacophony of thousands of Cosmo-filled martini glasses crashing to the floor in hateful disbelief.

But before you condemn me to whatever serves as your best approximation of the ninth circle of hell (i.e. a world without simple syrup, glittery eye makeup, and vibrators), just hear me out for a second.

I don’t hate SATC for any of the usual moralist, feminist, or anti-consumerist rationales.  Nor am I a hater just for the sake of hating.  Instead, I hate SATC because its subtext upsets me beyond belief.  It’s like pouring vodka-spiked lemon juice on my darkest insecurities and disappointments.  It lulls me into a false sense of “It’s more than okay to be in your thirties and single!” and then smacks me in the face with its insipid reality, which is that I don’t pity Carrie and Samantha for being single late in life because their lives are so effing fabulous.

By contrast, my life is not at all fabulous.

When all is said and done, the only thing I have in common with Carrie and Samantha is my late-in-life single-ness.  I don’t write for Vogue or run a glamorous PR firm with a workday that consists of little more than two bitchy phone calls and a glitzy restaurant opening.  I don’t live in an uptown, oversized brownstone.  I’ve got a few pairs of great shoes, but nowhere to wear them.  And if and when I do marry, I’m pretty sure my future husband will not be a debonair millionaire or a hot model-actor.

If you noticed that I expertly avoided mentioning “the M-word” in the previous paragraph, that was intentional—because the existential pain of SATC increases exponentially if you’re a female lawyer.

Think about it.  Have you ever met a woman who voluntarily claimed to be “a Miranda?” Never.  Yet, since I’m a lawyer, I get to enjoy bearing an uncanny resemblance with the only unenviable and unattractive character on the show—the one who’s married to a freaking bartender and has been banished to Brooklyn.  (And who wore a wine-colored velvet Renaissance Festival gown at her wedding, which actually looked more like a New Age funeral).

Seriously, isn’t it just a little too ironic that the lawyer character is played by an honest-to-God lesbian who in real life is engaged to a redheaded post-op Chaz Bono lookalike?!?!

My younger sister constantly gets compared to Charlotte because she looks like a 25-year-old Kristin Davis.  Which makes it all the more painful when she tells me I’m exactly like Miranda.  (And my mom and dad laugh a little too hard.)

So ultimately, the show that is supposed to empower me just makes me feel even worse about myself.  Why am I the only one who gets it?  Why isn’t this apparent to all of the women who in a few short days will be drowning themselves in 1,000-calorie sugar-tinis and orgasm-ing about SATC2 all over Facebook status updates?

And while I’m at it, I’ve got another problem with SATC: IT’S STUPID.  Does anyone really care about trannies making dick jokes…that aren’t even funny?  At this point, bitchy gay men are the only group of people I deem allowed to enjoy this weekend at the movie theater without being ashamed of themselves.  And the writers apparently agree with me, since I can’t think of any other legitimate reason to include Liza Minelli in the movie.

Unavoidable, constant exposure to the trailer makes me want to randomly set things on fire.  It’s so unbelievably brainless and trite.  Every time I hear Carrie exclaim (with her trademark embarrassingly forced bravado), “We’re not in Kansas anymore!” I start screaming.  Because she’s never been in Kansas in the first place, so the hackneyed joke doesn’t even make sense.  Another life-affirming slap in the face given Kansas is practically where I vacation, remember?

And I cringe every time I see them flounce across the desert on a camel and hear Carrie chide Samantha by saying, “If you’re not having a hot flash, you’re dead!” If that’s the sort of shit that makes you laugh, or if it gives you even the tiniest thrill of anticipation, then you’re brain dead.

You know, come to think of it, there might actually be something authentically enjoyable about the Lunch ‘n Learn.  It will quite possibly be the only room full of women in America on May 28th where no one will be talking about going to see Sex and the City 2.

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  • Bill Dugan

    I agree that SATC, and the women are long in the tooth by this point.  After all, women are really only hot when there’s a real danger of impregnating them if you’re not careful when your pants are down, but I don’t really understand why LF10 is so vicious in her attack on these four aging broads who still are living a fantasy life.  All women, particularly those who have entered pre-menopausal status, are anxious to relive the days when sex with hot guys was something to look forward to.  Now that only old geezers, including those with a few bucks in the banks, are interested in these dames for extremely short term liaisons, should not surprise LF10, because she is heading in the very same direction.  What guy worth his salt would be interested in engaging in anything more than a quick roll in the hay with such an unstable dame who is neurotic and who no one is good enough for?  That is why broads like LF10 will in all likelihood remain spinsters.  Because no one is good enough for them, and if they find a guy who is any good, they convince themselves that that guy is just not good enough because they can do better.  So now that LF10’s eggs are losing their fertility, she realizes (through the four broads from Sex and the City–who I agree are hideous), that she too is heading for spinsterdom, without any of the security of a guy, who would be there for her to assuage her insecurity.  But men worth their salt who do not think through their dicks will be smart to steer clear of dames like this, because all this can get you is a head case who probably only has about 5 years more before she becomes the same type of hag we’ll see in the movie.  The only real difference is that the hags in the movie are multimillionaires, who at least have the money to buy the trinkets that will keep them semi-happy as they approach their mid-50’s and AARP membersh

  • BL1Y

    I hear they kill off Mary Brady in this one.

  • Evil Lawyer

    One of the best by LF10.

  • Smurf

    I give up.  Which M-word did you expertly avoid mentioning?

  • son of guano

    I only watched the tv show three times to appease my then gf.  But SJP is not a hag and is the best of the bunch; Samantha is the worst-ugh-childless, aging, -she makes me gag- and the dessicated humorless miranda is almost as bad.  But I find LF10’s observations compelling: who that works for a living can stand the incessant whining of the lot of them?

  • Quincy Stein

    Oh my god. Couldn’t agree with you more. I thought I was the only woman to despise this show and the ridiculous movies that have followed the demise of the television series. I’d rather be forced to have a threesome with Elena Kagan and Janet Reno for an entire weekend at a heroin hotel than see this movie.

  • Sienna

    I agree with Bill Dugan.

  • Guano Dubango

    None of these ladies are desireable to me.  None could bear me a normal child.  All, including the gay one, have been had by dozens of men, and no children.  If women like these are just having sex, then they will only get old and not have mates.  I used to like the brown haired woman, but even she looks not so good now.  I will pass on these women.

  • Guano Dubango

    I wish to add that smart men would not have sex with these women until after they are cleared for all STD’s.  And for the benefit of the ladies reading this blog who are possibly interested in me, I am personally 100% STD- free.

  • SD

    I know this movie does not challenge the brain, but I will smile and laugh with my girl friends as we review the movie afterwards enjoying cosmos.  Life is too short not enjoying the little things that don’t require you to be a rocket scientist.  I work hard everyday and evening so I’m really looking forward to the film.  I watched “People”s internet show last night from outside Radio City, NYC, for the red carpet premier and saw all the movie’s ladies and gentlemen interviewed.  Their clothes were a work of art.  So sit home this weekend and work your NYT crossword, I will enjoy going to fantasy land with cosmos in our thermos.

  • SD

    I’m sorry, I forgot to compliment the author, great article.

  • KateLaw

    Love this article!  However, I really enjoyed the SATC series.  It was fun, mindless and I loved the juxtaposition of the two male archetypes women tend to struggle in choosing between during their more immature years.  It was such a fun show to watch in college.  That said, the movies Ruined it for me.  I went to the first one just to see what it was all about -I mean, I liked the series so I pretty much did it out of loyalty.  The first movie sucked so I refuse to see the second.  Just another good thing ruined in the name of profits.  I’ll be even more upset if they do the same thing with the Sopranos.

  • Son of Guano

    One reason men detest the series is the idea that every woman has to have a man that’s a millionaire squired about by towncar, or who flies them to Dubai. 90% of men are deemed unfit (except by Samantha the slut, who focuses on the 10% of really fit guys). No wonder Guano hates them.  Then the guys they do land find themselves mercilessly dissected and emotionally demeaned by childless and for the most part by unacomplished women.

  • Law Librarian A

    You are not alone. I’ve been invited to see the movie with two different groups of female friends, which I’ve declined and tried not to be too snotty, b/c the movie looks like complete shit. Why would anyone want to see it? Opening weekend cannot come and go fast enough so I can forget the movie exists.

  • Rachel

    Wow. I thought I was the only woman on the planet who hated SATC with this kind of fiery passion.  It’s everything that’s wrong with everything that has to do with women.  It’s worse than stupid.  I’ve never met a single woman in real life who was even close to anything like these caricatures (thank goodness), even though I know a number of misguided 20-somethings who are desperately trying to recreate it.  Emphasize “desperately.” Everything about this show and these moves is horribly desperate.
    The only people I know who even come close to acting like these jokes are flamboyantly gay men.  It’s like watching a bad parody of “Gays Abroad” – only with ugly insecure vapid women.

  • Rachel

    Forgot to add – those of us who won’t be seeing the movie also won’t be sitting at home with NYT crosswords.  We’ll be out with our boyfriends, who we haven’t scared away with our ridiculous SATC obsessions and boxed “Sex and the City Season 2” DVD sets.

  • SD

    I’m sure you men and ladies are involved in stable relationships with people who have their feet on the ground.  I guess none of you like fantasy either on the screen or in the bedroom.  I want to be entertained when I go to the movies and forget the hours at work billable or none billable.  If you have a national baseball game, kids games, or floating the river, you are excused from Sex in City and will have a good time, but I will be in fantasy land and also go home to better fantasy.  Have fun!

  • ExLaw

    So I always agree with LF10 and frankly can relate mostly as a good looking female. As much as I appreciate this article and can agree, sympathizing with being compared to Miranda, I opted out of that life and chose to get out of law and become the Carrie that I wanted to become… Where there’s a will there’s a way, and instead of being irritated by it.. I did something about it. Nobody would ever even dare call me a Miranda now.

  • Aussie

    Hahahaha, you are more like Miranda than you realize!!!

  • Renee

    Hey look,its just fun stuff to watch and no we are not brain dead since people like myself realizes that the lifestyles the character lead are far-fetched.Maybe some people who resent the show just wished they were having more fun in their own lives!

  • Betty R

    You are right Law Firm 10.  You’re right about all of it.  But, let me give you a piece of advice.  If you even intent on being successful in your dating life, never ever repeat this – not to a man.  Real men want women that like (or at least don’t despise) women’s things – SATC being one of them.  I’m not saying you need to love it.  Just don’t hate it publicly.  Lighten up!

  • cw

    I’m troubled by the homophobia in this blog post. Your concern is that the only SATC character you relate to is Miranda, because she is “an honest-to-God lesbian…” I don’t love being a lawyer either, but I’m in a same-sex relationship (and my partner happens to be gorgeous, fyi) and the fact that you disparage Cynthia Nixon’s sexual orientation to evoke sympathy over your singledom and unhappy career choice doesn’t do anything but reflect your own bigotry.

  • c. rose

    To whomever asked, the m-word is Miranda. She’s the archetypal female lawyer who tries “too hard” to act like a man in a traditionally man’s field and carries that attitude into her personal life as well. I don’t think LF10 was necessarily being homophobic in her comments, I think she is pointing out that Miranda is a stereotype that very closely mirrors that of the “butch” lesbian. If you’re not a butch lesbian and have at least some interest in dating, that’s got to be a sucker punch to the self-esteem in the dating dept when everyone, including your own family, is always comparing you to a butch lesbian. Now if you are a lesbian (butch or not) this probably isn’t an issue.
    While I agree with Rachel that there is nothing wrong with just fun mindless ‘fantasy,’ it’s just really hard to get into the fantasy when EVERY female character annoys me so much. They are supposed to be protagonists in one way or the other, yet every single one of them is so unlikable in her own way that I can’t root for any of them. Then to top it all off they have objectively wonderful jobs (except for Charlotte who was holding it down for the stay-at-home moms who get pampered by their husbands) and good friends. So why do they insist on being so self-sabotaging? When that guy dumped Carrie with a post-it note, I know I was supposed to really hate him, but all I could think was, “Well that is what happens when a a high-strung woman and an extremely insecure man with no balls try to date. They both suck.” I suspect this is really LF10’s issue. For some women these women represent empowerment, but for us they just symbolize every ‘flaw’ that we as women today are told we have and need to fix. It either depresses you or just turns you off altogether.
    Your comment about “what woman voluntarily envisions herself as a Miranda?” really nailed this point. We’re basically told to want to be like Carrie, but that’s just not realistic – in reality any woman is going to be a combination of at least three of whatever four archetypes one is presented with, with some extra non-represented characteristics as well – and it shouldn’t be desirable. I have an ex-friend who verbalized that she thought she was a Carrie. If you ever watched the show Girlfriends, she also envisioned herself as Joan (the black Carrie of the show). And she was right, but not at all in the way she would like to think. In her mind she related to these women b/c they were the ‘leads’ who are ostensibly just trying to find their happily-ever-after, but Joan, like Carrie, had the same self-centered neurosis, materialism, and lack of self awareness of these traits that ruined any chance at having a relationship; in fact, their fixation on this happily ever after was unhealthy and really was not a desire to be with someone, but to just not end up alone. Big difference there. Joan even had some Miranda-ish prude/uptight tendencies rolled in. All of that, my ex-friend. That shizz is exhausting.

  • c. rose

    crap, I didn’t realize the paragraph breaks wouldn’t show up. And that post was really too long. My apologies. I would like to add just two more things, though. One, some people LIKE doing puzzles sometimes, so don’t knock it. It also doesn’t mean that’s the only thing they have to do (though if you give me a logic puzzle book you might not see me the rest of the day). Two, if there is any man out there who is going to not date me just because I admit not like SATC at all, then he’s just as superficial as the women on the show are and that is a man I just don’t need to date anyway. I get that most men want a woman who “acts like a woman,” but i am woman enough without pretending to like it.

  • Regular guy

    Letting a movie irritate your personal insecurities is silly.  I think it’s natural for anyone with a grip on reality to hate the SATC movie franchise.  That hate becomes more intensified when (i) you are naturally predisposed to hate, as are most lawyers, (ii) you are smart, as are a good portion of lawyers, and (iii) your work hard and have a job that requries constant intellectual vigilance. 
    Would we all like to be relevant, beautiful, care-free, wealthy, and all of the other enviable traits contrived by shrink-wrapped Hollywood writers – sure! 
    But the reality is, but for a handful of people, this is not the case.  And who cares?  I’m a married man in my late 20’s…with that comes its own brand of misery, but if I spent my consuming hours searching out only the things that highlight the downsides to my life decisions, then I would be unhappy.  THAT is a choice.  You are the source of your self-loathing (and the underlying substance that you feel warrants it).  Because it manifested itself in an SATC franchise rant is of little relevance (you are probably going to use that incomplete sentence as justification for writing me off as an intellectual inferior…that’s okay).  Choose to be happy, and if you find that trite, then pick the concept and process apart, overcomplicate it, and choose to be happy after you have intellectualized a problem that matches up poorly with the application of time and brainpower.

  • lane kiffin

    oh i just got so screwed

  • Gunners = Glorified Law Dorks

    1.  Karma is a b*tch, Lane Kiffin. Go Vols.
    2.  I don’t understand the animosity towards the SATC series. I for one, in times of my life when I was single, enjoyed the message that women can be happy and successful in their mid-thirties going on forties.  The problem that I have with it is, after blasting that message early on (w/ the exception of Charlotte who we knew the entire time was a hopeless romantic), they all end up at one point or another with a man. (Trying not to ruin the ending of the disappointing 2nd big screen installment). Essentially, they run around for 6 years screaming “it’s ok to be single. look at me, I’m fabulous…” only to end up with men in the end anyway.  Granted, it gave us girls our fairytale ending, but the modern feminist message was blatantly contradicted.
    3. The 2nd movie sucks. Such a bummer.

  • John

    Where you at, LF10? You and Matthew Richardson (and Ex-Bitter) are the reason I read this site.

  • Son of guano

    we are about a month from the last piece…..withdrawl is setting in….