First, I’m extremely happy that my Ohio Bobcats made the tournament this year. Now all the “Bracketology” commentators can go back to living in their parent’s basement for 8 months and yelling “Ma, the meatloaf.” (having “Bracketologist” on a business card, however, would be legit). But the NCAAA doesn’t have a lock on all the madness. It’s March Madness everywhere.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie got all Chris Christie on a Rutgers law student and former Navy SEAL. The student, William Brown, complained about the shotgun wedding of Rutgers and little-known Rowan University’s law schools. I would say Christie got his panties all in a bunch during the argument but I think that might have something to do with how high he wears his pants. Seriously, his belt is basically a Manzier (or a Bro). Nonetheless, no matter how hard hecklers try, you can’t knock Christie down. Mainly because he is a Weeble and Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.
The Kardashian clan is being sued for feeding “lies to the public through commercials, magazines and social media” regarding the weight loss pill QuickTrim. A group of New Yorkers claim they would not have bought the QuickTrim products if they had known the Kardashians’ testimonials were complete B.S. The diet pill, which is basically a caffeine pill, has been determined not to be safe or effective for weight control. Duh. Jessie Spano could have told you caffeine pills are unsafe. Also, isn’t Khloe a pretty solid example that this pill doesn’t work. She looks like Chewbacca.
If you were looking for a last minute idea for your Spring Break trip, you should cross New South Wales off the list. Due to recent floods, spiders have moved to high ground and brought their webs with them. The phenomenon, known as ballooning, has left the fields of Wagga Wagga, Australia, covered in spider webs. A local spider expert said the increase in spiders posed no danger to people. Fuck that. Is he looking at the same pictures I am? I would rather punt a kitten before I would walk around Wagga Wagga with shorts on. That bitch Charlotte and her creepy babies need to cut this shit out. Sure, writing “Some Pig” was cool but this is ridiculous.
Cody Conner isn’t exactly the world’s best criminal. Conner, 17, pulled a gun and demanded money from the clerk at Cupid’s Corner, a local sex shop. The clerk, Cheryl Hunter, questioned why Conner was robbing the store. He replied that he needed money to help pay his grandparent’s bills. Hunter then offered Conner a job. In doing so, Conner filled out a job application with all his personal information on it, including his name. That gave police enough information to arrest him after Hunter called to report the robbery.
The world doesn’t like quitters Cody. You can’t have a change of heart in the middle of a sex shop stick up. (Sidenote, don’t go to Cupid’s Corner and ask for the sex shop stick up). Cleaning crusty booths for minimum wage isn’t going to pay for Grammy’s meds. Then again a life lecture from a sex shop worker might be just the high horse advice kids need these days.
Post image from Shutterstock. Spider web image from arbroath.blogspot.com