Key Differences Between Your Shitty iPhone and the New iPhone

C. Hank Peters Big Legal Brain, Columns, Lawyer 1 Comment

Apple is expected to announce the iPhone 5 sometime today. For most technologically-savvy lawyers, this means that you should be live-blogging the event and Tweeting about what you heard about what some guy heard about what another guy saw when he was in a bar in China two months ago. And if you are a blogging lawyer like myself, you also need to weigh in on the key differences between the two phones. While I don’t have an iPhone 4 and don’t have a clue about the new iPhone 5 iPhone 4S, I still write for a law-related blog. Accordingly, here are the key differences between your current shitty iPhone and Apple’s next upgrade.

The Number

Apple has upped the ante on the newest phone, renaming it a “5” or a rebranding it as a “4S” instead of a “4.” Yes, you read it right. Except for the stupid “S” thing, that’s an entire whole number increase, not some Dewey decimal crap. That’s a letter AND a number. So, get in front of a mirror and practice saying “five” “four-ess” instead of “four,” as in “Hold on, let me answer that call with my iPhone five four-ess.” Major, key difference.

The Keypad

It’s not known yet if rumors about a revamped telephone numbering system is in the latest version of the iPhone. Presumably, Apple is pushing a new numerical system based on Egyptian heiroglyphics and Braille, reasoning that most users today are math illiterate and more easily use pictographs that either vibrate or have some tactile element to them. We’ll know later today if your number will change from 234-5823 to Monkey Can Ski Milk Snake Chalk Eyeball.

New “Off Black” Color

I’ve weighed in before on the key differences between the black and white iPhones. But with the launch of the iPhone 5 the 4S, Apple is also releasing a new “off black” color, giving Apple aficionados up to three color choices for the phone. The new “off black” resembles black but is considered a little less black than standard black but not too black to be true black. We’re excited about this new color option, as I’m sure most lawyers with shitty iPhones are.

Voice Recognition Drone Strikes

The international popularity of robotic drones has not been lost on Apple, and it is rumored that the iPhone 5 has a voice-activated and voice recognition robotic drone feature. According to a guy we talked to who saw another guy in Malaysia whose brother worked for a company that produces screws for the iPhone, the voice-activated drone detaches from the iPhone and flies up to 4,000 feet without needing a recharge. It automatically recognizes the voice of any person who has called you in the past on your iPhone 5 and “takes them out.” This will be ridiculously popular in Syria and in parts of Florida.

Ultrasonic Vibration (UsV) Setting

The newest iPhone has a special “ultrasonic” vibration setting that allows you to perform most common forms of gallbladder surgery, without an incision. Just hold it up to your abdomen, turn on the new “UsV” setting, and gallstones are broken up harmlessly and passed through your feces in a few days. As a bonus, the stones are shaped like tiny little apples, a nice touch from the folks in Cupertino. Apple is also touting this new feature as the first major development in kitty litter in more than a decade, saying that, with the UsV option, clumping and scoopable kitty litter will be a thing of the past. Just aim the iPhone at the litter and break up the cat shit instantly. Score!

Whether you have a shitty Android-based phone, a shitty Blackberry thing, or a shitty iPhone 4 or 4S, the newest iPhone 5 the iPhone 4S promises to upgrade your cool factor cost you some more money, an important thing for most practicing lawyers. Let me know your own uneducated opinion about the new iPhone 5 and how it can also be used as an actual phone in addition to managing your practice and dominating your social life.

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  • Guano Dubango

    One thing not mentioned is that if you get the latest I-Phone, some of the best looking women will sidle up to you at a conference (or a bar) to ask all about it. While you are at it, if you are smart, you will ask the woman to program in her telephone number so that you can call her whenever you want.