Labor Day Unemployment Blues? Try These Jobs

Bitter Staff Columns, Lawyer 6 Comments

Now that summer is officially over and the whites go back into the closet for another nine months, we at Bitter Lawyer have to put the old workboots back on and get back to the grind. Unfortunately, some of you are still unemployed and probably sitting around in your tighty whiteys past Labor Day. Here’s a list of fields that are hot and jobs that are in demand. Jobs even a lawyer could do… maybe.

Social Assistance

Medical and public health social workers; special education teachers, preschool, kindergarten and elementary school; first-line supervisors/managers of personal service workers; occupational therapists; and social and human service assistants. But let’s face it, to do this jobs you must A) not care about money and B) have a big heart. Do you really qualify as both? Doubtful.

Software Publishers

Network and computer systems administrators; computer systems analysts; computer support specialists; market research analysts; and customer service representatives. Let’s be honest again. Are you good with numbers and technology? Of course not. The last one on this list is easy enough, but do you really want to live in Mumbai?


Physician assistants; physical therapist aides; speech-language pathologists; physical therapist assistants; and physical therapists. This requires patience, which many lawyers possess. But do you want to touch the flesh of another human being?


Heating, air conditioning refrigerator installation, septic tank servicers and sewer pipe cleaners; telecommunications equipment installers and repairers, except line installers; purchasing agents,  Do we need to spell out why this is a no-no?  You wouldn’t know a septic tank from a shark tank. You’re a lawyer. You’re not a real man. Or woman.

Energy Innovation

Companies are looking to go green and independence from foreign oil is a top national priority. How many times have you ever said to yourself “I am an innovator.” If the answer is zero, then maybe this is not the field for you either.

Food Industries

While high-end restaurants may be hurting as consumers tighten their belts, fast-food places and other quick and inexpensive options continue to thrive. Although many jobs in this sector are obviously low-paying, opportunities also exist for restaurant managers, franchise owners, and independent small-business owners. Now we are talking. We are quite sure many of you have had that drunken conversation with your friends about opening up a restaurant at some point in your lives. Well now is your chance. Repeat after me. “Welcome to Wendy’s, if you need anything I am the assistant manager.”


We’ve heard that the world’s oldest profession still pays pretty good. Sadly, this seems like a fit. Why? Because it’s not that different from being a lawyer. 1) It’s a service job; 2) High hourly rate, some would say excessive; 3) it’s a profession that is often ridiculed; 4) you don’t have to be that attractive, in fact, most employees in both fields aren’t; 5) your clients often mistreat you; and 6) you wake up every day hating yourself.

If none of these jobs are right for you, don’t sweat it. Just keep sitting around in your tighty whiteys until the market turns around in 2-3 years.

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  • Ellen

    This is so sexist! I am very lucky that I have a job, but would NEVER be an escort. The manageing partner at my firm is always stareing at me and even wanted to know my measurements. He said b/c he wanted to buy his wife a nice dress and thought if I fit it she would also.

    He also wanted me to go shopping with him to get her a hat. I said that was to personal for me.

    He also makes me eat lunch with him 3 days a week, and he now has a mustash that the food get’s stuck in. FOOEY!

  • Guano Dubango

    My Aunt Ooona sent me this listing in order for me to understand women better. I have translated this myself for the rest of you as a public service, with apologies for any stylistic mis-cues: I need to follow this in order to be successful with my eventual wife. Others who are already married should heed this information:

    The wife says, the wife means :

    The wife says: we need, the wife means: I want.
    The wife says: It’s your decision, the wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
    The wife says: Do what you want, the wife means: You’ll pay for this later
    The wife says: We need to talk, the wife means: I need to complain
    The wife says: I’n not upset, the wife means: Of course I’m upset you moron
    The wife says: You’re … so manly, the wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
    The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient, the wife means: I want a new house.
    The wife says: I want new curtains, the wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
    The wife says: I need wedding shoes, the wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
    The wife says: Hang the picture there, the wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
    The wife says: I heard a noise, the wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
    The wife says: Do you love me?, the wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.
    The wife says: How much do you love me?, the wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like.
    The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute, the wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
    The wife says: Am I fat?, the wife means: Tell me I’m beautiful.
    The wife says: You have to learn to communicate, the wife means: Just agree with me.
    The wife says: Are you listening to me?, the wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
    The wife says: I’m sorry, the wife means: You’ll be sorry
    The wife says: Do you like this recipe?, the wife means: You better get used to it
    The wife says: Was that the baby?, the wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
    The wife says: I’m not yelling!, the wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

  • Dan

    I knew I had a lot in common with my prostitution clients, it was not until I read this post that I realized that it was because we did the same job. Albiet I was a $200 whore while she was a twenty dollar whore. At least they don’t have student loans.

    Very funny post.

  • Otis

    It’s true, sometimes we have to do something even if we don’t like it, we really cannot wait 2 or 3 years until the market turns around, unless you are rich and in which case you wouldn’t do anything you don’t like anyway.
    But to be honest, if I was a lawyer then I would try to stick to it, even if I had to work for less then what I am worth but at least I’d keep my pride along the way.

  • Abbie Hosta

    I cannot stress how big the demand is for #2 on your list: Software Publishers/Computer Support Specialists, There is a humongous shortage of qualified IT professionals in the U.S., specifically in the legal industry. This is a great field to get into if your a tech savvy legal professional.

  • Dreaming

    Oh Otis, if you think you can keep your pride by working as a lawyer, you have clearly never worked as a lawyer. Nice thought though.