Ladies' Night

Doug Stephan Lawyer, News & Views

This week I am going on vacation, which means I spent most of last week making a “to-do” list of my workload. Amazingly, making all of those to-do lists didn’t leave much time for any actual work, other than those tasked labeled “Must Do This Week Or You Will Be Sued For Malpractice.” I got most of those done, so now I can relax for a little bit. Unfortunately for us in the legal field, “relax” has various meanings. My cell phone will still ring, I’ll still get emails from clients, but at least I can respond with a delicious drink in hand—actually I guess that’s not much different than normal, but whatever. Enjoy your day in the cubicle. I’ll be hanging out with Snoopy and Prickly Pete while enjoying my two solariums.

Hot Chicks

That crazy ass sexy minx Lindsay Lohan was in an accident. I’m obviously not a doctor, but something tells me her huge airbags saved her from being seriously hurt. You would think all of her training from Herbie Fully Loaded would make her a better driver. Anyways, it’s probably a good thing she is unharmed considering I didn’t want to have to watch a memorial marathon of such great hits as: Machete, Labor Pains, and Mean Girls on TV this week while on vacation. (Okay I’ll probably still watch Mean Girls. That movie is fantastic.)

Fat chicks

They are the gift that keeps on giving but the exact opposite. When they are taking up two seats on airplanes, they are complaining they didn’t get enough fries in their super sized McDonald’s. Some days they are sitting in the middle of the grocery aisle in their motorized cart amazingly able to block you from every item on your list, other days they are so fat they cause a fire that destroys an Austrian crematorium. Yikes.

An Austrian crematorium was nearly destroyed when large amounts of burning fat from a 440-pound woman’s body blocked an air filter, causing a malfunction and subsequent fire. Fire officials say it’s time for Austria to build a special crematoria that is sufficiently equipped to handle obese bodies. I would say it’s time for a salad. Seriously, there is fat—then there’s ‘need to be burned in a special crematorium’ fat.

Crazy Chicks

Today in Florida being Florida, Tracy Mabb, 35, was arrested for exposing her breast, vagina and buttocks while standing in the middle of a Pompano Beach intersection. Not looking good, Tracy. Actually, she looks like she just stubbed her toe. Just complete and utter agony that your pinky toe smashed into the coffee table. Sure a minute later you are fine but in that moment of pain. . . . Tracy Mabb’s photo is the exact face you make. I don’t know if you also make this face after being arrested for showing your kibbles and bits in the middle of a Florida intersection, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Mabb stubbed her toe on “Say Cheese.”

“Just Trying to Save Money For Community College” Chicks

Everett Robert Lages needed police assistance. The 47-year-old repeatedly called 911 while sitting outside the Emerald City strip club in Murdock, Florida. Police found the intoxicated man sitting outside the business and called a taxi for him. Everett refused assistance and continued to dial 911. Lages stated the owner of the club committed a crime by not allowing him inside with his wingman: a kitten.

Seriously, Everett? A cat? A cat is the worse wingman you could bring to a strip club. A cat is just going to spend the time randomly grazing your leg and judging all the single mothers. Strippers love customers who give them judgmental stares, and by love I mean hate. A puppy is a different story. Puppy dog eyes will get you access to the Champagne Room 100 times out of 100. Cats will just ruin the experience with all the meowing and hissing and scratching and taking a shit in the kids’ pool used for Jell-o wrestling. Don’t worry, Everett, you didn’t miss much, that kitten wasn’t the only pussy you weren’t getting in the strip club.

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