Q: One of my firm’s largest clients spreads its work around at multiple firms in town to keep the quality of work high and the fees competitive. But here’s the weird part: every year, the client throws a Halloween costume party at its headquarters and invites the attorneys from all of its different firms, including my practice group of six lawyers. What’s weirder is that the competition among the firms to keep this client’s legal business has somehow transformed this party into a yearly costume competition, and every year the stakes increase. It’s become a very bizarre situation. Imagine a king demanding the court jesters to make fools of themselves for his entertainment—that’s this Halloween party. But I have no pride left, so I really don’t give a shit. My question to you is what should my practice group do for costumes? Every year we get bulldozed by the other firms, and we’ve decided that this will be our year. But so far, we haven’t found that perfect idea.
A: I’ve spent a significant amount of time this month watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion trilogy (thank you, Andy Cohen, for providing me with three full hours of footage to further satisfy my shameful morbid curiosity re: the Gorgas and Giudices). Consequently, I’ve been plotting an awesome group costume plan that I won’t get to use because I never get invited to Halloween parties, so I’m pleased to have the opportunity to share it with you. With six people, your group is big enough to cover the essential members of the RHONJ cast, i.e. Teresa and Joe Giudice and Melissa and Joe Gorga. The other two people could choose from the safe choice of Jacqueline and Chris Laurita, or they could dig deeper and go as the Manzo brothers (in which case, they will need to purchase bottles of blk water to carry around with them all night).
The real beauty of this plan is that it’s not gender dependent — either a man or a woman could pull off a convincing Teresa Giudice, since all you need is an overstuffed bra, an overdose of spray tan, drag makeup, a sparkly prom dress, and a black wig worn less than an inch above the eyebrows. Ditto that for Melissa Gorga (the only difference is her hairline is less Simian than Tre’s, so the wig should be worn normally). The costumes for Joe Gorga and Joe Giudice are also nearly identical — spray tan, spiky gelled dark hair, gold chains, and Bridge-and-Tunnel style button downs that have flashy contrast patterns inside the collar and cuffs. Seriously, going as the Jersey Housewives cast is an absolute no-brainer. Not to mention the added versatility of being able to say you’re the cast of Jersey Shore if you run into an emergency situation wherein none of the other party-goers are into Bravo and therefore don’t recognize Real Housewives cast members when they see them.
Post image from Bravo.