If we here at Bitter Lawyer were to sit down and make a wish list of insane things to write about, this story would pretty much tick off all those boxes. Lawyer? Yep! Voluntarily-adopted pretentious name? Yep. Quixotic run for statewide political office? Yep. Admission that one killed a goat and drank its blood while on some sort of vision quest? Ye — wait, what????
Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Augustus Sol Invictus. Yes, that is his real name. Yes, of course he changed it to that. No one has been born with that name in 2000+ years. Yes, he is really a lawyer. If you live in New York, Florida, Massachusetts, or Illinois, you could hire him to represent you if you trafficked some drugs or did some white-collar criming. Allegedly, of course.
However, his aspirations to be your attorney really pale in the face of his aspirations to be the next United States Senator from the great state of Florida, Libertarian Party version. One small problem: basically the Libertarian Party in Florida seems to have decided they’d rather quit than be affiliated with young Mr. Invictus. (Mr. Sol Invictus? We’re not sure).
The chairman of the Libertarian Party of Florida has resigned to call attention to Invictus’ candidacy in hopes that other party leaders will denounce him. Adrian Wyllie, who was the Libertarian candidate for governor last year, says Invictus wants to lead a civil war, is trying to recruit neo-Nazis to the party and brutally and sadistically dismembered a goat.
Surely the goat thing must be some sort of terrible rumor started by enemies of Mr. Sol, right? About that.
Two years ago, Augustus Sol Invictus walked from central Florida to the Mojave Desert and spent a week fasting and praying, at times thinking he wouldn’t survive. In a pagan ritual to give thanks when he returned home, he killed a goat and drank its blood.
Literally nothing about those sentences makes sense. And it really only gets worse if you let Augustus try to explain it.
“I did sacrifice a goat. I know that’s probably a quibble in the mind of most Americans,” he said. “I sacrificed an animal to the god of the wilderness … Yes, I drank the goat’s blood.”
You know, we probably speak for most Americans when we say that we feel waaaayyyyyy more than a quibble in our mind about a lawyer/U.S. Senate candidate/anyone really who is DOWN WITH KILLING GOATS AND DRINKING THEIR BLOOD.
You are probably unsurprised to learn that this gentleman also comes with some…unusual, shall we say, views on government and the like.
He admits he’s been investigated by the FBI, the U.S. Marshals and other law enforcement. He is confident they’re still watching him, in part for a series of YouTube videos and other writings in which he discusses government. He renounced his citizenship in one paper, and in another he prophesied a great war, saying he would wander into the wilderness and return bearing revolution.
You know, we’re just not sure when this guy would find time to handle our embezzlement case. He’s probably got his hands full with the whole great war revolution dealio. And killing goats, which is probably totally time-intensive. Probably better to find someone else to handle that credit card fraud case you’ve been worrying about.
[Post image via Shutterstock]