The holiday season is almost upon us, which means you still have so many party choices to make. Should you wear a suit and tie? How much drinking is acceptable? We’ve got you covered.
What to wear? This is a party, not a funeral. Ditch the suit and tie and rock an aloha shirt and sandals.
Nothing else quite signals to other partygoers, “I respect everyone and am here to have fun.” Everyone will love the irony and totally not think it’s lame: “Oh man, he/she’s wearing warm weather attire in winter. Classic. This is totally not disrespectful at all”*
Showing up within the first hour is uncool. Holiday parties, especially lawyer holiday parties, are all about who’s the coolest. The later you are, the cooler you are.
I once showed up to a holiday party after it was over. I was the coolest that night (bonus – I found a new peacoat that someone left at coat check!).
Drink as much as possible. Holiday parties are awkward. They’re forced social interactions with the people you hate seeing on a daily basis, except now there’s alcohol. Excessive drinking makes these events more bearable.
Everyone at your holiday party knows and accepts this, so they won’t be offended when you’re going around telling everyone how you ended up sleeping with that really attractive client that one time. Mad respect.
Show up empty-handed. Do not, under any circumstances, bring anything.
Your host is paying for the food and drinks. It would be rude to give a gift. Bringing a gift says, to them “Hey, I think you need this, since your parties suck.” Big faux pas there, sure to cause embarrassment. Of course, if you bring a gift, the host will feign gratefulness, and then add you to their enemies list. (Yes, your host most certainly has an enemies list). Oh, and if the host is your boss, they should be giving you a gift – it’s called a bonus. If you were to get your boss/host a gift at the party, it would basically be you giving them back some of the holiday bonus they’d already given you. That’s nonsense. It’s like when children spend their parents’ money to buy their parents holiday gifts.
Bring a guest, whether you are allowed a +1 or not. The more the merrier.
No one in the history of mankind has ever said, “You know, there are too many people having fun at this party. We should scale it back.” Bring your best friend, the one who only wants to go for the free food and drinks. Your host probably prepared twice as much food anyway.
Steal food and drink. Since we’re on the topic of twice as much food: They definitely got too much food and liquor and now they’re going to be stuck eating leftovers all next week. Help them out and save the party by stocking up on the party food and beer.
And since we don’t want you to get food poisoning from the food being left out at room temperature all night, after you fill your Tupperware, ask the host if you can store it in the refrigerator for the duration of the party. They’ll be happy to find space in their fridge for you since you’re saving them from leftovers.
Put your enemies on notice. They deserve it.
Chances are, you don’t want to go to a party to fake laugh with that insufferable douche, Joshua (he prefers to be called Joshua over Josh). Seriously, fuck that guy. The holidays are all about looking forward to the new year. What do you want to do differently next year? Be more honest. No point in being fake. Give Joshua the best present anyone can give him by being honest – call him a complete tool and mention that you’re glad his wife left him.