LegalZoom to Unveil Lawyer Vending Machines at Courthouses Across America

LegalZoom has won the praise of advocates for affordable legal counsel.  In a bold move, LegalZoom has broadened its reach beyond those who have access to the internet to those who have access to five dollars in quarters. Legalzoom began offering legal documents to consumers on March 12, 2001, instantly giving anyone with internet access and a credit card the key to the secret cache of documents that every attorney gets after law school.

Speaking under a condition of anonymity, a source close to the legal community stated “it was only a matter of time before people figured out that all attorneys do is fill out form paperwork.  The public kept paying them because, due to a Da Vinci Code level of conspiracy, only bar admitted attorneys were allowed to access the documents.” Now those documents are available in any courthouse lobby, and this service will soon expand to even more locations throughout the community.

While attorneys may soon be bankrupt, their former clients are seeing the benefits already. “I’m usually pretty worried about wandering into court without anything in my hand,” says frequent frivolous lawsuit filer Alice Parker, “but it puts my mind at ease to know I have a legitimate legal document prepared by a real lawyer machine.”

An interview with court staff following Ms. Parker’s hearing won even more praise for the new attorney in town. “Usually, we have to hear [Ms. Parker] babble on for hours about her civil cases, but now she comes in here all the time handing up a Will, or a Certificate of Organization for an LLC thinking it’s a brief, and she rests on that.”  The Court staffer went on to comment on the great font that LegalZoom uses, and that he would definitely use the products if he had a case he didn’t care about or wanted to purposefully sabotage.

Some critics of LegalZoom have attacked the new vending machines as the unauthorized practice of law.  But LegalZoom’s spokesperson retorted that those critics are stupid and should mind their own God damn business. We tend to agree. Sure, the legal documents prepared by the Vending Machine Lawyer aren’t always perfect, or meant for that state. And it is true that you occasionally request a Complaint in Replevin and receive a Power of Attorney form. But that’s just the luck of the draw.  You might get the wrong document this time, but maybe next time you’ll be the lucky guy who gets two for the price of one because the corkscrew didn’t turn all the way for the last sale.  Even better yet, maybe you’ll get a Snickers.

(photo: inserting coin into vending machine from Shutterstock)