Let's Get Weird. Again.

Doug Stephan Lawyer, News & Views Leave a Comment

Guess who’s back . . . back again. Florida’s back. Tell a friend. After a week off, my favorite state to write about is back in the fold with the minx Melissa Mansfield. The Floridian was caught defecating on the side of the Interstate 95. Police also “found multiple open beer bottles inside” the stolen car. Class. Class. Class. However, rookie mistake by Mansfield. Everybody knows you got to take a pre-game dump. I don’t care if you are going on a date or stealing a car and drunkenly joy riding—you can’t really do anything at 100% with a dump on deck. It can be downright draining worrying about rocking a deuce in public. Last thing you want to do is shart. You already got grand theft auto on the ticket. No reason to add destruction of property.

A desperate Munich man called police because “his insatiable companion for a one-night stand refused to let him leave her flat.” The man and woman “had sexual intercourse several times” when the 47-year-old wanted even more. After an initial refusal, the man obliged to the woman’s wishes “another few times” so he could then leave. However, the woman continued to refuse, demanding more time in the sack, prompting the man to flee to the balcony and call police.

Let’s recap. This man and woman had sex “several times.” Then she demanded more and the two tangoed “a few more times.” I’m not a math major, but that seems like we are in the 5-7 range. Good lord, lady. It is not personal at that point, it’s just science. I get that you are a Cougar in heat but after a couple times a guy is like a bear whose been shot with a tranquilizer dart. Brain barely functioning, wobbly legs, and you just hope to find a pillow to drool on. Normally, my first phone call would be to a doctor to seek medical attention like Cialis tells me to, but 911 would be a close second.

Who has two thumbs, record BAC levels, and likes to party? James Henderson of South Haven, Indiana, that’s who. The 28-year-old was arrested this weekend after police found him sprawled out on a Valparaiso street with a .297 blood-alcohol level. While .297 is relatively high and definitely enough to be arrested, it was nothing compared to his previous arrest. Just weeks ago Henderson was arrested, once again sprawled out on a street, this time with a .552 blood-alcohol level.

James, my boy, only has one speed. Go. Just over three weeks ago he was arrested with a county record .552 BAC and is already back at it. Most people would refrain from that activity. Maybe take a night or two off. Turn down those “end of the night shots” because they “have to work in the morning.” Trying to be all responsible and shit. Shit’s lame. Go hard or go home. Or in James’s case, go hard and wake up in a street. Either way, James Henderson is breaking records (and the law) like he is Mickey Mantle.

The D.C. Superior Court woke up the echos of caselaw when they acquitted Patricia Cave in the murder of Lamont Warren. Cave had been charged with voluntary manslaughter while armed after stabbing Warren after a night of “drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes Warren had bought her.” When the night came to a close, Warren refused to make room on the bed and the altercation turned deadly. Cave claimed self-defense when Warren angrily refused to slide over on the bed to make room for her.

Easiest. Defense. Ever. You can’t hog a bed. Can’t do it. In fact, sharing a bed is the worst. Give me five minutes of cuddling then GTFO. Sorry I don’t like sleeping next to an oven. And forget about me being the big spoon. I would rather not have the awkward arm situation that will inevitably fall asleep and be unable to move underneath your cranium. Oh, and lets not forget me almost choking on that rat’s nest you call your hair. Not to mention the passive aggressive moves you make when trying to fall asleep. The loud sighs, the grab of the sheets combined with the roll over, the over-exaggerated tossing and turning; it’s enough to make anyone grab the knife conveniently kept on the nightstand. So what if the sheets are covered with blood and there is a dead body next to me so long as I have my 50% of the bed?

Share this Post