We’re not sure how Chuck Tingle managed to create such nuanced political satire in a day, but since he has we’re here to live blog it. Join us at 9am Central on May 12th for another installment of erotica live blogging: “Living Corn James Corny Fired in the Butt.” This time with sentient Russian beets.
We start with an unnamed young man who grew up in New York City, who has big dreams of becoming someone famous and powerful.
In Tingle’s weird nods to science fiction we get a line about how, even though the unnamed hero is well on his way to becoming the head of the American Agriculture Agency, in “another timeline” he could have maybe even been President of the United States.
I wonder if Tingle is ever planning to do anything with these odd references to alternate timelines. I think here it’s just a “metaphorical” way to say: THIS IS REALLY ABOUT THE PRESIDENT.
I think I prefer the Tingle timeline myself.
Anyway…. Back to the story. Everything is going swimmingly for our hero until “he” shows up.
Yep. I assume it is, see you *can’t* sue me.
I’m game for any timeline where we have literally anyone else as president, including a rabid possum.
So say we all, Naomi.
“He” turns out to be James Corny, “a handsome living corn on the cob” and is heed of the AAA’s ethics committee, “in charge of keeping things above boards when it comes to my political dealings, which wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact I’m as crooked as they come.”
Our hero confesses that he’s “willing to do what it takes to get my lobbyists and backroom supporters paid.”
I don’t quite understand the artistic choice of the living corn on the cob. Like, why corn on the cob?
Also, I really wish the corn depicted on the cover was also physically crooked.
“BACKROOM SUPPORTERS” nudge nudge wink wink
Apparently before our unnamed hero became the leader, not a lot of evil went down. Now “the poorest of the taxpayers were hemorrhaging money on their daily produce, and I was making off like a bandit.”
Until Corny catches wind and forces a slowdown of “the wholesale fleecing of our American agriculture system…”
Oh, our hero has a name! “Mr. Trimp.”
Corn on the cob = Corney = Comey. It’s not a GREAT pun?
MAKE PUNS GREAT AGAIN
Now inside the office, Mr. Trimp gets a visit from “a massive vegetable.”
Corny tells Mr. Trimp that it’s “highly unethical” to ask him into the office before the hearing. And then he “plops his massive corn body into the chair” across from our hero.
In another timeline, Donald Trump is that guy at the con who wants to make puns constantly while you’re talking to him and get offended when you find this irritating.
Mr. Trimp tries to be all, ‘hey it’s just a chat between a guy and sentient corn’ but massive Mr. Corny is all, ‘that’s for me to decide.’ Which makes Mr. Trimp swallow hard, because he’d been hoping for a simple bribe.
Someone’s aid is getting fired, pretty sure job one is keeping massive vegetables from visiting the office.
Trimp demands to know what Cormy is going to tell the committee. Corny decides to just lay it out, “You’ve been covering up bribes from the Russian beet industry….”
Wow – Tingle is really exploring the space with this installment.
Trimp who is “used to getting my way, especially in the world of politics” wants to know what he can do to keep Corny from testifying. Corny says, “Literally nothing.”
I appreciate that the Russians here are beets. It’s not one of the symbols of Russia that comes to mind first, but it probably should be.
Trimp tries the bribe anyway and pulls out a stack of hundreds. “How about now?” Corny is all, “Nope.”
Or wait, I guess I’m just assuming we’re going to meet living Russian beets at some point. Maybe the Russian beets aren’t living? That will bum me out.
We were promised sentient beets dammit.
Given borscht is one of my top 5 favorite foods, I think of the Russians and beets a fair bit.
Trimp gets panicked when Corny stands his ground and the money goes flying everywhere. Impotently.
Impotent money. A bigly metaphor.
This is not how smart people do bribes. Not that I have personal experience with it or anything, but I’ve heard stories.
Oh wait, there are beets! After Trimp fumes for awhile there’s a knock on the door. “a hulking, muscular beet kicks open the door and comes storming towards me.”
ENTER THE BEET
He’d damn well better be hulking and muscular.
The beet is violent! Picking Trimp up out of his chair and slams him hard against the wall.
Beet is very threatening. He demands to know what Trimp is going to do about this Corny guy.
Wait, is Corny still in the office or did he leave and I missed it?
Sentient Russian beet thugs.
Oh sorry the impotent money made Corny leave.
When Trimp is like ‘hey I was just talking to Corny’ Beet says “I know.” Trimp says “Wait, how?” Beet is all, “We have you bugged.”
Did they sneak the bug in with a photo op?
Also, given that we have living corn and living beets, is the “bug” a literal bug?
Trimp tries to act like he knows that. But he gets the hard stare. “These Russian vegetables mean business, but unfortunately for them my incompetence just barely out rivals my evilness.”
Trimp gets a lightbulb moment is says “I’ll just fire him!”
That’s how I’m imagining it. As a roach or a fly that hitchhiked in with the beets.
The Russian beet is very “Won’t that make you look more guilty?” Trimp is very, very insistent that no, he is in fact brilliant to have thought of this.
After this both Trimp and the beet part ways. Scene change to a bar….
“his incompetence just barely out rivaled his evilness” may be in the running for someone’s epitaph
Trimp spots the “massive yellow corn on the cob alone in a distant booth, half of his body hidden in shadow” so he buys too beers and heads over.
Finding Mr. Trimp a highly believable representation of DJT.
Dammit. I had high hopes for Trimp/Beet sexxxytime.
Corny gives him the side-eye and says the beer is a crappier bribe than money. Trimp shrugs and is like, “I’m firing you.”
That is literally more respectful than what actually happened.
Corny has a long moment of WTF and finally “the living corn calms down enough to speak” and says “You think this is going to stop the investigation against you?”
“I have an entire FIELD of corn waiting to investigate you!”
Trimp is like, “eh, I’ll take my chances.” Corny REMINDS HIM OF HIS OATH OF OFFICE (I kid you not) saying, “This isn’t like when you were a private citizen, certain rules must be followed.”
Trimp is all, ‘this is a thing?’ Corny is like, yeah, you have to go through proper channels and Trimp says “Okay, so what are they?”
100% willing to believe that Trump would demand that someone explain what Trump needs to do in order to fire them
Sadly, this is not UNBELIEVABLE.
…rather than, like, googling it.
Okay, but because this is Tingle we get these for procedures “All terminations of high ranking officials by the head of the American Agriculture Agency shall be done from within their own butt.”
This immediately sets of the “burning sensation within my lions…”
That’s what you get when you turn off Safe Search
“Having never been with a sentient piece of corn before, the very idea of such a relationship is intoxicatingly taboo….”
Corny is all, “So what’s it going to be?” Trimp is all in. Corny says okay then “I know a place that’s great to be fired in.” (???)
That’s a very liberal definition of “relationship.”
This is the bit that I think Chuck might just do a C&P, find-and-replace on for each book.
IS IT A BUTT?
“Having never been with a [NOUN] before, the very idea of such a relationship is intoxicatingly taboo….”
The living veggie then heads out “swaying his hips from side to side with a newfound confidence.”
CORN HAS HIPS?
I’ve been wondering about that. Tingle is proliferate, this “book” got written overnight, right?
They go to an alley and Trimp whispers this sweet nothing, “You’re so fucking fired.” Corny laughs “his hands drifting lower across my rock hard abs.”
So let me get this straight. Trimp asks Corny, “just what IS the process for firing you?” and Corny says, “Happens via sexytimes, LET’S GO” and Trimp says “right, OK, sounds good”?
But corn hips – nay this whole scenario unfolding – are more believable than our REAL LIFE, so.
And, still might be better than how it actually went down.
The corn/man sex begins! Pants come down, things come up… there is stroking and “I do the same to him, gripping tightly to the rock hard rod that has protruded from his mass of toned yellow kernels.”
Oh, I was wondering where corn kept its dick
See, I assumed the corn was a dick.
Yeah, I mean, it’s dick-shaped, so that seemed like the obvious answer?
JOLINE SO DID I.
Right. It’s another missed opportunity. Like the unicorn horn.
It’s like the unicorn all over again.
Trimp goes down on the corn (no discussion of how it tastes, alas). He is “hammering his face across him.” He starts beating himself off and cradles “James Corny’s hanging yellow balls, delicately cupping htm as the handsome veggie lets out a soft whimper above.”
wait wait wait I HAVE QUESTIONS
Oh, and Trimp fails to deep throat–actually has a coughing fit–but asks for another try.
No butter or salt & pepper or anything?
For some reason I’m willing to just imagine a dick springing up from the surface of an ear of corn like an extra-long extra-pointy kernel of corn, but BALLS, like how does THAT work? Do they just dangle down across the front of the ear of corn or does he have legs that haven’t been mentioned? Corn legs? Like is he multiple ears of corn fastened together, doll-like?
Trimp gets the line “..that dick is so fucking HUGE.”
The failed deep throat-ing may be another cut and paste situation, Naomi.
My recollection is that people in the Tingleverse used to deep-throat flawlessly on the first try and then we complained about that and now he has them fail on the first try, so never assume he’s not taking our critique to heart!
Time for the anal, kids, and so Trimp turns around and reaches back “and hold myself open with one hand, exposing my most sensitive area to the gorgeous corn on the cob.”
The cover image does not suggest either corn legs, or multiple corn cobs tied together.
Think he’ll use lube in this one? (I mean, one traditionally BUTTERS corn, so…)
There is no lube. In fact Trimp is unprepared for “just how brutally..” Corny’s dick “.. would expand my rectum.”
I just want to reiterate that Trimp asked Corny how Trimp could fire Corny and Corney said “YOU HAVE TO LET ME FUCK YOUR ASS” and Trimp said, “Seems legit.”
Butter or GTFO Tingle!
There is loving description of all the pumping and a “I realize I am well on my way to my first prostate orgasm….”
Well, to be fair, if the goal here is to fire a dude, it’s not reasonable to expect him to be super gentle or considerate.
not gonna lie, I ain’t gonna cry any tears for Mr. Trimp not being provided lube.
But before the big moment, Trimp is flipped over ad he’s now face to face with “the handsome living corn.” Now he is filled with a kind of lust/love and doesn’t want to fire him but “my hands are tied by my Russian beets waiting quietly in the wings.”
They exchange “I love you”s….
Oh – please tell me there’s going to be some sentient beet action in 3..2..1..
Then there is mutual “spunk” and “jizz” going everywhere…
If there is neither butter nor popping, I’m going to be disappointed.
Oh, but it’s not over. Trimp has to do the corn in order to officially fire him.
I wish there were some literal bondage and beet action happening as part of this.
I feel like the sentient beets were just a ruse to suck us into the story.
Wait something weird AF just happened. Trimp literally climbs inside the corn’s asshole. LITERALLY.
So, the corn was like 18 feet tall?
“The entire passage widens into a lush valley with hills and trees. There’s a shoreline in the distance and surrounding it is a beautiful city.” INSIDE THE CORN’S BUTT.
Wouldn’t this make more sense the other way around?!
Now a taxi has shown up????
I think that would have paired really well with the entire ear of corn penetrating Trimp.
“Bigger on the inside than on the outside!”
Okay the taxi driver (inside the corn butt) knows Dimald Trimp because he’s met some of of the alternate timeline DTs.
I feel like this must have been when the drugs really kicked in, when Tingle was writing this.
Taxi driver is all, “I hope that you’re better behaved in this one than on the other ones.” Trimp is all, “I’m a terrible person. I’m corrupt, greedy, probably sociopathic, and I’m also just kind of a blustering buffoon…”
Oh dear. A taxi inside the corn butt, which is actually a whole other universe, with some sort of access to the many timelines? It’s like the sci-fi/fantasy trifecta.
This is surreal even by Tingle standards.
Means this could be up for a Hugo right???
Taxi drops him off at the courthouse INSIDE THE CORN’S BUTT and Trimp goes into “make a firing.”
This … almost makes sense but not quite.
The clerk is, “Okay, so is this an ethical firing or an unethical firing?” Trimp says “unethical.” So she gives him the yellow form.
I wonder what color the form would have been for an ethical firing.
He fills out the form and then has a realization. “I’m the only one where, completely alone in a massive, empty chamber. A profound sense of loneliness overwhelms me as I begin to fill out James Corny’s termination form.” THE END.
Wait, that’s the END?
I was so surprised this was the end, I went back to double check. But apparently this is a double feature with “Creamed in the Butt by my Handsome Living Corn.”
BUT HE IS STILL INSIDE CORNY’S BUTT.
Let me see if this is actually a continuation…
I guess he’s stuck forever inside a corn butt.
I mean, if only.
Okay, the hero of the next one appears to be “Matthew McConneymay.”
I can think of no better ending to this (ahem) agricultural secretary’s term.
That was published in January 2016.
Anyway, I’m basically here for the idea of Trimp expiring of loneliness while trying to unethically fire someone from within the butt of a living ear of corn.
Yay, happy endings!
Okay, wow. That was surreal.
I am so glad I own this fine piece of literature forever!
I think the best bit is that we have different colors of form for ethical vs. unethical firings.
Oh but the recommendation algorithms Amazon must do for you!
Yeah, it’s very weird. Especially given that my other big consumption is comic books.
I saw someone complaining the other day on Twitter that they felt like they were trapped inside an X-Files Arc episode.
And I’ve been thinking about that and this week doesn’t feel sufficiently well-written or plausible to be an X-Files Arc episode.
It feels like we’re trapped inside a not-super-competently-written X-Files fanfic. One that totally intended to be taken seriously but reads as farce because the villain was just too ludicrous to take seriously.
I really believe that conjecture that we jumped into the Mirror-Mirror universe from Star Trek because someone turned on the particle collider.
This Chuck Tingle book fits right in with this week, though. It’s basically as plausible as anything else.
I’d believe that.
Yep – all of it is too dumb to be anything like House of Cards or even one of the more really badly written peak-Chris Carter X-Files episodes.
The Trump administration: badly written X-Files fan fic. Head canon accepted!
Would the real-world counterpart of Trimp climb inside of someone’s butt to fire them? Sure, why not: he announced on tape that he’d committed obstruction of justice, after all.
Tingle speaks truth. His evil is only rivaled by his incompetence.
Yep – no less plausible than the past 4 months.
I think one of the saddest state of affairs is that most of our reaction to this is: Yep, would be better than Real Life.
BECAUSE IT WOULD BE.
Maybe the REAL lesson here is that Trump really IS lost up someone’s anus. Mentally, if not physically.
And let us end on that note. Keepin’ it Klassy.