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Story Time: Live Blogging “Living Corn James Corny Fired In The Butt”

  Bitter Staff /   May 12, 2017 /   Endings, Featured /   Leave a Comment

We’re not sure how Chuck Tingle managed to create such nuanced political satire in a day, but since he has we’re here to live blog it. Join us at 9am Central on May 12th for another installment of erotica live blogging: “Living Corn James Corny Fired in the Butt.” This time with sentient Russian beets.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:00 am

We start with an unnamed young man who grew up in New York City, who has big dreams of becoming someone famous and powerful.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:00 am

In Tingle’s weird nods to science fiction we get a line about how, even though the unnamed hero is well on his way to becoming the head of the American Agriculture Agency, in “another timeline” he could have maybe even been President of the United States.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:01 am

I wonder if Tingle is ever planning to do anything with these odd references to alternate timelines. I think here it’s just a “metaphorical” way to say: THIS IS REALLY ABOUT THE PRESIDENT.

Joline May 12, 20179:01 am

I think I prefer the Tingle timeline myself.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:01 am

Anyway…. Back to the story. Everything is going swimmingly for our hero until “he” shows up.

Joline May 12, 20179:01 am

Yep. I assume it is, see you *can’t* sue me.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:02 am

I’m game for any timeline where we have literally anyone else as president, including a rabid possum.

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:02 am

So say we all, Naomi.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:02 am

“He” turns out to be James Corny, “a handsome living corn on the cob” and is heed of the AAA’s ethics committee, “in charge of keeping things above boards when it comes to my political dealings, which wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact I’m as crooked as they come.”

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:03 am

Our hero confesses that he’s “willing to do what it takes to get my lobbyists and backroom supporters paid.”

Joline May 12, 20179:03 am

I don’t quite understand the artistic choice of the living corn on the cob. Like, why corn on the cob?

Joline May 12, 20179:04 am

Also, I really wish the corn depicted on the cover was also physically crooked.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:04 am

“BACKROOM SUPPORTERS” nudge nudge wink wink

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:04 am

Apparently before our unnamed hero became the leader, not a lot of evil went down. Now “the poorest of the taxpayers were hemorrhaging money on their daily produce, and I was making off like a bandit.”

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:04 am

Until Corny catches wind and forces a slowdown of “the wholesale fleecing of our American agriculture system…”

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:05 am

Oh, our hero has a name! “Mr. Trimp.”

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:05 am

Corn on the cob = Corney = Comey. It’s not a GREAT pun?

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:05 am

MAKE PUNS GREAT AGAIN

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:06 am

Now inside the office, Mr. Trimp gets a visit from “a massive vegetable.”

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:07 am

Corny tells Mr. Trimp that it’s “highly unethical” to ask him into the office before the hearing. And then he “plops his massive corn body into the chair” across from our hero.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:07 am

In another timeline, Donald Trump is that guy at the con who wants to make puns constantly while you’re talking to him and get offended when you find this irritating.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:07 am

Mr. Trimp tries to be all, ‘hey it’s just a chat between a guy and sentient corn’ but massive Mr. Corny is all, ‘that’s for me to decide.’ Which makes Mr. Trimp swallow hard, because he’d been hoping for a simple bribe.

Joline May 12, 20179:07 am

Someone’s aid is getting fired, pretty sure job one is keeping massive vegetables from visiting the office.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:08 am

Trimp demands to know what Cormy is going to tell the committee. Corny decides to just lay it out, “You’ve been covering up bribes from the Russian beet industry….”

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:09 am

Wow – Tingle is really exploring the space with this installment.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:09 am

Trimp who is “used to getting my way, especially in the world of politics” wants to know what he can do to keep Corny from testifying. Corny says, “Literally nothing.”

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:10 am

I appreciate that the Russians here are beets. It’s not one of the symbols of Russia that comes to mind first, but it probably should be.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:10 am

Trimp tries the bribe anyway and pulls out a stack of hundreds. “How about now?” Corny is all, “Nope.”

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:10 am

Or wait, I guess I’m just assuming we’re going to meet living Russian beets at some point. Maybe the Russian beets aren’t living? That will bum me out.

Joline May 12, 20179:11 am

We were promised sentient beets dammit.

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:11 am

Given borscht is one of my top 5 favorite foods, I think of the Russians and beets a fair bit.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:11 am

Trimp gets panicked when Corny stands his ground and the money goes flying everywhere. Impotently.

Joline May 12, 20179:11 am

Impotent money. A bigly metaphor.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:12 am

This is not how smart people do bribes. Not that I have personal experience with it or anything, but I’ve heard stories.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:12 am

Oh wait, there are beets! After Trimp fumes for awhile there’s a knock on the door. “a hulking, muscular beet kicks open the door and comes storming towards me.”

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:12 am

EXCELLENT

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:12 am

ENTER THE BEET

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:13 am

He’d damn well better be hulking and muscular.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:13 am

The beet is violent! Picking Trimp up out of his chair and slams him hard against the wall.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:14 am

Beet is very threatening. He demands to know what Trimp is going to do about this Corny guy.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:14 am

Wait, is Corny still in the office or did he leave and I missed it?

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:14 am

Sentient Russian beet thugs.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:14 am

Oh sorry the impotent money made Corny leave.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:15 am

When Trimp is like ‘hey I was just talking to Corny’ Beet says “I know.” Trimp says “Wait, how?” Beet is all, “We have you bugged.”

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:16 am

Did they sneak the bug in with a photo op?

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:16 am

Also, given that we have living corn and living beets, is the “bug” a literal bug?

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:16 am

Trimp tries to act like he knows that. But he gets the hard stare. “These Russian vegetables mean business, but unfortunately for them my incompetence just barely out rivals my evilness.”

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:17 am

Trimp gets a lightbulb moment is says “I’ll just fire him!”

Joline May 12, 20179:17 am

That’s how I’m imagining it. As a roach or a fly that hitchhiked in with the beets.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:17 am

The Russian beet is very “Won’t that make you look more guilty?” Trimp is very, very insistent that no, he is in fact brilliant to have thought of this.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:18 am

After this both Trimp and the beet part ways. Scene change to a bar….

Joline May 12, 20179:18 am

“his incompetence just barely out rivaled his evilness” may be in the running for someone’s epitaph

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:19 am

Trimp spots the “massive yellow corn on the cob alone in a distant booth, half of his body hidden in shadow” so he buys too beers and heads over.

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:19 am

Finding Mr. Trimp a highly believable representation of DJT.

Joline May 12, 20179:19 am

Dammit. I had high hopes for Trimp/Beet sexxxytime.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:20 am

Corny gives him the side-eye and says the beer is a crappier bribe than money. Trimp shrugs and is like, “I’m firing you.”

Joline May 12, 20179:20 am

That is literally more respectful than what actually happened.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:20 am

Yep!

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:20 am

Corny has a long moment of WTF and finally “the living corn calms down enough to speak” and says “You think this is going to stop the investigation against you?”

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:21 am

“I have an entire FIELD of corn waiting to investigate you!”

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:21 am

Trimp is like, “eh, I’ll take my chances.” Corny REMINDS HIM OF HIS OATH OF OFFICE (I kid you not) saying, “This isn’t like when you were a private citizen, certain rules must be followed.”

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:22 am

Trimp is all, ‘this is a thing?’ Corny is like, yeah, you have to go through proper channels and Trimp says “Okay, so what are they?”

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:23 am

100% willing to believe that Trump would demand that someone explain what Trump needs to do in order to fire them

Joline May 12, 20179:23 am

Sadly, this is not UNBELIEVABLE.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:23 am

…rather than, like, googling it.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:23 am

Okay, but because this is Tingle we get these for procedures “All terminations of high ranking officials by the head of the American Agriculture Agency shall be done from within their own butt.”

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:24 am

This immediately sets of the “burning sensation within my lions…”

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:24 am

That’s what you get when you turn off Safe Search

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:24 am

“Having never been with a sentient piece of corn before, the very idea of such a relationship is intoxicatingly taboo….”

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:25 am

Corny is all, “So what’s it going to be?” Trimp is all in. Corny says okay then “I know a place that’s great to be fired in.” (???)

Joline May 12, 20179:25 am

That’s a very liberal definition of “relationship.”

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:25 am

This is the bit that I think Chuck might just do a C&P, find-and-replace on for each book.

Joline May 12, 20179:26 am

IS IT A BUTT?

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:26 am

“Having never been with a [NOUN] before, the very idea of such a relationship is intoxicatingly taboo….”


Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:26 am

The living veggie then heads out “swaying his hips from side to side with a newfound confidence.”

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:27 am

CORN HAS HIPS?

Joline May 12, 20179:27 am

I’ve been wondering about that. Tingle is proliferate, this “book” got written overnight, right?

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:27 am

They go to an alley and Trimp whispers this sweet nothing, “You’re so fucking fired.” Corny laughs “his hands drifting lower across my rock hard abs.”

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:27 am

So let me get this straight. Trimp asks Corny, “just what IS the process for firing you?” and Corny says, “Happens via sexytimes, LET’S GO” and Trimp says “right, OK, sounds good”?

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:28 am

“SEEMS LEGIT.”

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:28 am

But corn hips – nay this whole scenario unfolding – are more believable than our REAL LIFE, so.

Joline May 12, 20179:28 am

And, still might be better than how it actually went down.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:28 am

The corn/man sex begins! Pants come down, things come up… there is stroking and “I do the same to him, gripping tightly to the rock hard rod that has protruded from his mass of toned yellow kernels.”

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:29 am

Oh, I was wondering where corn kept its dick

Joline May 12, 20179:29 am

See, I assumed the corn was a dick.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:29 am

Yeah, I mean, it’s dick-shaped, so that seemed like the obvious answer?

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:30 am

JOLINE SO DID I.

Joline May 12, 20179:30 am

Right. It’s another missed opportunity. Like the unicorn horn.

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:30 am

It’s like the unicorn all over again.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:30 am

Trimp goes down on the corn (no discussion of how it tastes, alas). He is “hammering his face across him.” He starts beating himself off and cradles “James Corny’s hanging yellow balls, delicately cupping htm as the handsome veggie lets out a soft whimper above.”

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:31 am

wait wait wait I HAVE QUESTIONS

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:31 am

Oh, and Trimp fails to deep throat–actually has a coughing fit–but asks for another try.

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:31 am

No butter or salt & pepper or anything?

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:32 am

For some reason I’m willing to just imagine a dick springing up from the surface of an ear of corn like an extra-long extra-pointy kernel of corn, but BALLS, like how does THAT work? Do they just dangle down across the front of the ear of corn or does he have legs that haven’t been mentioned? Corn legs? Like is he multiple ears of corn fastened together, doll-like?

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:32 am

Trimp gets the line “..that dick is so fucking HUGE.”

Joline May 12, 20179:32 am

The failed deep throat-ing may be another cut and paste situation, Naomi.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:33 am

My recollection is that people in the Tingleverse used to deep-throat flawlessly on the first try and then we complained about that and now he has them fail on the first try, so never assume he’s not taking our critique to heart!

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:33 am

Time for the anal, kids, and so Trimp turns around and reaches back “and hold myself open with one hand, exposing my most sensitive area to the gorgeous corn on the cob.”

Joline May 12, 20179:33 am

The cover image does not suggest either corn legs, or multiple corn cobs tied together.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:33 am

Think he’ll use lube in this one? (I mean, one traditionally BUTTERS corn, so…)

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:34 am

There is no lube. In fact Trimp is unprepared for “just how brutally..” Corny’s dick “.. would expand my rectum.”

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:34 am

I just want to reiterate that Trimp asked Corny how Trimp could fire Corny and Corney said “YOU HAVE TO LET ME FUCK YOUR ASS” and Trimp said, “Seems legit.”

…and that’s totally as believable as half of what’s happened this week.
Joline May 12, 20179:34 am

Butter or GTFO Tingle!

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:35 am

There is loving description of all the pumping and a “I realize I am well on my way to my first prostate orgasm….”

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:35 am

Well, to be fair, if the goal here is to fire a dude, it’s not reasonable to expect him to be super gentle or considerate.

That is probably why this process for firings is not the usual process.
tinlizzy May 12, 20179:35 am

not gonna lie, I ain’t gonna cry any tears for Mr. Trimp not being provided lube.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:36 am

But before the big moment, Trimp is flipped over ad he’s now face to face with “the handsome living corn.” Now he is filled with a kind of lust/love and doesn’t want to fire him but “my hands are tied by my Russian beets waiting quietly in the wings.”

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:37 am

They exchange “I love you”s….

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:37 am

Oh – please tell me there’s going to be some sentient beet action in 3..2..1..

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:37 am

Then there is mutual “spunk” and “jizz” going everywhere…

Joline May 12, 20179:37 am

If there is neither butter nor popping, I’m going to be disappointed.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:38 am

Oh, but it’s not over. Trimp has to do the corn in order to officially fire him.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:38 am

I wish there were some literal bondage and beet action happening as part of this.

Joline May 12, 20179:38 am

I feel like the sentient beets were just a ruse to suck us into the story.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:38 am

Wait something weird AF just happened. Trimp literally climbs inside the corn’s asshole. LITERALLY.

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:39 am

????

Joline May 12, 20179:39 am

So, the corn was like 18 feet tall?

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:39 am

WUT

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:39 am

“The entire passage widens into a lush valley with hills and trees. There’s a shoreline in the distance and surrounding it is a beautiful city.” INSIDE THE CORN’S BUTT.

Joline May 12, 20179:39 am

Wouldn’t this make more sense the other way around?!

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:39 am

Now a taxi has shown up????

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:39 am

I think that would have paired really well with the entire ear of corn penetrating Trimp.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:40 am

“Bigger on the inside than on the outside!”

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:40 am

Okay the taxi driver (inside the corn butt) knows Dimald Trimp because he’s met some of of the alternate timeline DTs.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:41 am

I feel like this must have been when the drugs really kicked in, when Tingle was writing this.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:41 am

Taxi driver is all, “I hope that you’re better behaved in this one than on the other ones.” Trimp is all, “I’m a terrible person. I’m corrupt, greedy, probably sociopathic, and I’m also just kind of a blustering buffoon…”

Joline May 12, 20179:41 am

Oh dear. A taxi inside the corn butt, which is actually a whole other universe, with some sort of access to the many timelines? It’s like the sci-fi/fantasy trifecta.

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:41 am

This is surreal even by Tingle standards.

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:42 am

Means this could be up for a Hugo right???

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:42 am

Taxi drops him off at the courthouse INSIDE THE CORN’S BUTT and Trimp goes into “make a firing.”

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:43 am

This … almost makes sense but not quite.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:43 am

The clerk is, “Okay, so is this an ethical firing or an unethical firing?” Trimp says “unethical.” So she gives him the yellow form.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:43 am

OMG

Joline May 12, 20179:44 am

I wonder what color the form would have been for an ethical firing.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:44 am

He fills out the form and then has a realization. “I’m the only one where, completely alone in a massive, empty chamber. A profound sense of loneliness overwhelms me as I begin to fill out James Corny’s termination form.” THE END.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:45 am

Wait, that’s the END?

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:45 am

I was so surprised this was the end, I went back to double check. But apparently this is a double feature with “Creamed in the Butt by my Handsome Living Corn.”

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:45 am

BUT HE IS STILL INSIDE CORNY’S BUTT.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:45 am

Let me see if this is actually a continuation…

Joline May 12, 20179:45 am

I guess he’s stuck forever inside a corn butt.

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:46 am

I mean, if only.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:46 am

Okay, the hero of the next one appears to be “Matthew McConneymay.”

Joline May 12, 20179:46 am

I can think of no better ending to this (ahem) agricultural secretary’s term.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:46 am

That was published in January 2016.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:47 am

Anyway, I’m basically here for the idea of Trimp expiring of loneliness while trying to unethically fire someone from within the butt of a living ear of corn.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:47 am

Oh, okay.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:47 am

Yay, happy endings!

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:47 am

Okay, wow. That was surreal.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:47 am

I am so glad I own this fine piece of literature forever!

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:48 am

I think the best bit is that we have different colors of form for ethical vs. unethical firings.

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:48 am

Oh but the recommendation algorithms Amazon must do for you!

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:49 am

Yeah, it’s very weird. Especially given that my other big consumption is comic books.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:49 am

I saw someone complaining the other day on Twitter that they felt like they were trapped inside an X-Files Arc episode.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:49 am

And I’ve been thinking about that and this week doesn’t feel sufficiently well-written or plausible to be an X-Files Arc episode.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:50 am

It feels like we’re trapped inside a not-super-competently-written X-Files fanfic. One that totally intended to be taken seriously but reads as farce because the villain was just too ludicrous to take seriously.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:50 am

I really believe that conjecture that we jumped into the Mirror-Mirror universe from Star Trek because someone turned on the particle collider.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:50 am

This Chuck Tingle book fits right in with this week, though. It’s basically as plausible as anything else.

Joline May 12, 20179:51 am

I’d believe that.

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:51 am

Yep – all of it is too dumb to be anything like House of Cards or even one of the more really badly written peak-Chris Carter X-Files episodes.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:51 am

The Trump administration: badly written X-Files fan fic. Head canon accepted!

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:51 am

Agreed.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:51 am

Would the real-world counterpart of Trimp climb inside of someone’s butt to fire them? Sure, why not: he announced on tape that he’d committed obstruction of justice, after all.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:52 am

Tingle speaks truth. His evil is only rivaled by his incompetence.

tinlizzy May 12, 20179:52 am

Yep – no less plausible than the past 4 months.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:53 am

I think one of the saddest state of affairs is that most of our reaction to this is: Yep, would be better than Real Life.

Lyda Morehouse May 12, 20179:53 am

BECAUSE IT WOULD BE.

Naomi Kritzer May 12, 20179:54 am

Maybe the REAL lesson here is that Trump really IS lost up someone’s anus. Mentally, if not physically.

Joline May 12, 20179:54 am

And let us end on that note. Keepin’ it Klassy.

Filed Under: Endings, Featured Tagged With: Chuck Tingle, erotica, erotica live blog, monster erotica

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