Apparently, police officers tased a man yesterday just for trying to propose to his maybe his girlfriend . . . My theories are 1) he was really really high on drugs, 2) this is her way of breaking up with him, 3) the gays really have ruined marriage. Lets look for clues to find the answer!
Clue number one: Someone called 911 saying “He’s up and down, taking his pants off, his clothes off.” I can only assume this means he was erratically humping her while he was taking his clothes off. So that’s one point for the she’s his girlfriend and totally lying about it camp. Post coitus marriage proposals are definitely on the rise. (And they also don’t count unless confirmed no sooner than 120 minutes after sex).
Clue number two: She told the police she has never met him before. That one could go for either the it was drugs or the it was the gays camp. Lets give each one half a point!
Clue number three: He spit on the police officers. Unless he spit with not his mouth (youknowwhati’msaying), this has nothing to do with the gays. Half a point for it was the drugs and half a point for lying girlfriend.
And the winner is . . . lying girlfriend! I knew it! Man, that is cold. Calling the cops on your man after a post coitus marriage proposal!
Anyway, now that the fun is over, lets take a look at his likely charges. I’m assuming that one of them is indecent exposure and/or some sort of sexual harassment charge, so I hope he likes sex offender registries. And he lives in Florida, so that probably means that he’s going to have to live under a bridge or in a sex offender colony. Enjoy being homeless guy! On the plus side, he spit on a cop, so he’s not likely to be released for a long time. Maybe they will have improved the amenities at the sex offender bridge by the time he gets out of custody. Or better yet, he can be one of the first sex offenders to give our hamster ball idea a try.
(photo: Picture a man holding a red rose behind his back. Isolated on white background from Shutterstock)