My [Ugly] Friend’s Wedding

Law Firm 10 Columns, Law Firm 10, Lawyer 19 Comments

Earlier today, the little, black, floating dot that I always see out of my left eye while I’m staring at Westlaw was driving me insane.  Which led to some impromptu research on WebMD.  There I discovered that I’m most likely suffering from the early stages of a detached retina.

So I of course spent the next hour on Facebook taking full advantage of what little eyesight I have left.

At first, Facebook didn’t deliver anything special.  No wedding photos from anyone interesting.  Some new baby pictures.  A guy who dumped me two years ago posing for some immensely cheesy pics with his new girlfriend who looks like she walked out of a Glamour Shot at the mall, circa 1992.  Whatevs.

Then, I remembered that I had been meaning to block an old friend’s status updates from appearing on my wall.

She’s one of the embarrassing single types whose self-consciously boastful postings bespeak the delusion that there’s a single guy eagerly awaiting her CONSTANT status updates.  And he finds her charming and irresistible.  I personally get this uneasy, awkward sensation every time I see her stupid updates and the revolving parade of photos she posts of herself.  In them, she always looks ugly but clearly thinks she looks hot.  It’s the same nauseous feeling I got while watching the footage of Kate Gosselin being a pouty bitch during her Dancing With The Stars rehearsals.

(Speaking of which, I didn’t know whether to be jealous of Erin Andrews’ performance last night or to make fun of her.  I had no idea she was so leggy and arm-y—nor that she had such gigantic breasts.  I’ve also never seen anyone wear fabric that matches my preferred shade of highlighter yellow.)

But when I started clicking around, I discovered altogether horrific news.  The aforesaid old, not-hot-but-thinks-she-is friend has apparently just gotten ENGAGED.

Trust me when I say that over the last two years I’ve gotten very adept at rationalizing away the waves of near-suicidal, panic-tinged jealousy that arise each time a friend surprises me by waving a brand new engagement ring in my face.  I’ve even learned that my troubling disquietude ultimately fades over time, no doubt helped along by whispered assurances from the voices in my head.  Things that make sense.

“She is a lot less neurotic than you.  And has a better body.”

“Well, in hindsight, her approach to ending up engaged by 25 was more sensible than yours.  She stayed with her college boyfriend instead of cheating on him with a bunch of weird guys that she waited tables with at Maggiano’s.”

But now I’m faced with a novel dilemma.  One for which I am entirely unprepared.  On some level, I guess I knew this day would inevitably arrive.  But not so soon.

I’ve advanced to the next level of spinster-hood.  To an altogether new circle of hell.

It’s where people more socially awkward than me are settling down with their soul mates.  Where even those I had presumed to be romantically untouchable have more of a right than me to DVR Say Yes to the Dress.

When I was a junior in high school, I made a pact with my friend Eli Seidner that we would marry one another if we were both unattached at the age of 30.  At the time, we both suspected the deal was unenforceable.  Mainly, I think, because we had reached the agreement after eating mushrooms.  Subsequent events rendered it even more ridiculous.  Namely, Eli is now gay and living in some sort of all-male sex commune in Belgium.

Which I suppose really only leaves me with two options—both of which pose respective difficulties.  I could swallow my pride, squelch my insecurities, and resolve my inferiority complexes.  (In other words, I could learn to deal with Carson’s more irritating qualities.) Settling down with Carson wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, I suppose.

And if that fails, I could always start studying for the New York Bar.  Because I’ve learned an incredibly important lesson from The Real Housewives of New York City: Deadlines for women are all pushed back in Manhattan.  Bethenny Frankel just moved in with a guy for the first time and is pregnant with her first baby, and I think she’s almost as old as my mom.

Mazel tov, Bethenny. You might just be my final source of hope.

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  • Bill

    Yo Dude, what makes you think that Carson wants to marry you.  It’s one thing for him to want to bone you twice a week; its another thing to have to wake up to you every morning.  Also, don’t think that NYC is going to solve your problems.  There are plenty of older hags here who couldn’t get married here or elsewhere, and all they do is show what a bunch of unmarried hags look like at 30, 40, 50 and 60, when they can join other hags who got married and then were divorced by their henpecked husbands who decided to hook up with younger, more nubile models.  Welcome to the Big Apple!

  • Alma Federer

    We must learn to define ourselves not by what our female friends may be doing, but by ourselves and our own self worth.  LF10, you have many of the quirks I had as an undergraduate student at University, but I learned to get over it and learned that it was my own sense of self worth that defined my beauty and attitude.  Now, I am confident I can make it in the world, and if I find a guy who will cherish me and treat me right, that will complete me.  If not, I have enough to live very well, both financially and emotionally, so that I do not have to pine over not having just any guy.  It must be a man who is both smart, handsome, and able to provide for home and family when I become a mother.  I can always go back to work part time, but not until after the baby is in nursery school.  Just remember not to settle, LF10, or you will regret it for the rest of your life.  You can look me up if you do decide to come to NY City, if you are serious about moving here.  I can show you all the sights here.

  • Pacific Reporter

    LF10, you need to read this article:

    “My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go. Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year. (It’s hard to maintain that level of zing when the conversation morphs into discussions about who’s changing the diapers or balancing the checkbook.)”

  • BL1Y

    You don’t want to move to NYC.  To start, the NYC area has 200,000 more single men than single women.  Chicago (that’s where you are, right?) has only about 2,500 more single women than single men.  Then you have to consider what types of single women are in NYC.  You have an army of aspiring models and actresses to compete with on looks, as well as a zillion female lawyers with the same or better academic/professional credentials.  Plus, women in NYC earn about 25% more than the men, so if you rule out men who earn less than you (like many women do), your dating pool is going to shrink real fast.

  • BL1Y

    Er, that should be 200,000 more single women than single men.  Haven’t finished my coffee this morning.

  • DB Cooper

    “Well, in hindsight, her approach to ending up engaged by 25 was more sensible than yours.  She stayed with her college boyfriend instead of cheating on him with a bunch of weird guys that she waited tables with at Maggiano’s.”
    Pretty funny

  • Guano Dubango

    Alma, LF10, I would be there every nite for you and would not mind if you had terrible morning breath.  Give me a chance, I am in NY City, and do not care if there are more women then men here.  I am a one woman man, if you are the right woman.  You will not regret it as I am a lawyer, and am admitted to the US Bar.

  • Anonymous

    Will somebody please help get Guano laid?  I can’t believe there are 200K more women than men in NY or he’d be getting more pussy than Tiger Woods.

  • BL1Y
  • Pootie JD

    BL1Y’s chart is sobering, but it doesn’t assess the quality of the single females.  Given the stats, in all likelihood, its fair to conclude there are more “hideous” single women around NYC than anywhere else.  Whatabout the hot, eligible singles?  Is there a chart that breaks out the hot women from the dawgs?  Hang in there, Guano, there is still hope for you!

  • KateLaw

    That article about settling was sad to me.  I definitely think there’s a difference b/w settling & compromising too.  I could get into it, but lack the desire & time.  I really don’t have advice for single women in Chicago & NYC as I do not live in either cities, but I do think you should hold out for a man that makes you happy -in every possible way.  Settling for just someone who will make a good “teammate” is the same as saying you aren’t worth more than that.  I mean, I’ll play flag football with alot of guys I know, but I definitely would not want to sleep/make babies with them.  Sexual attraction is key to me and without it, you might as well stay single.

  • ExLAw girl

    LF 10, I think we would be best friends. Every time I read your articles, you are reiterating the thoughts and actions in my mind. This particular article especially. I too, had made a pact with my friend in high school that if we were both 30 we would marry each other. He too is gay. Funny how we were the straight ones who had agreed to that.
    Either way. NYC is a good alternative. I am sick of living in LA with a bunch of emotionally unavailable men surrounded by more woman than they know what to do with, giving them absolutely NO desire to be in a relationship with one. Its like you have to find the ones that moved here and have no friends to actually have a relationship with.. Its pathetic..

  • Christopher Dillingham

    Your highly evolved sense of angst and self-depreciating humor is UTTERLY hilarious!

  • sm

    hey, look on the bright side.  maybe the guy your ugly nonfriend is marrying is a total douche/ ex convict/ broke/ loser.  She could just be settling because secretly she knows she’s ugly and no one else wil want to marry her.

  • Guano D

    I am a man and I am available, emotionally and physically for these women.  Have me and you will not be regretful.  I will provide you with the abitity to realize your sexual potential.  I will do everything you want to feel sexually desirable, and you know what that includes.

  • Matchmaker

    Dear Mr. Guano Dubango: we operate the most effective gay matchmaker site in north america. It seems obvious that you have not realized your dreams with women and we suggest you consider a dalliance wiht a suitable gay lawyer. many men like you ultimately realize they are gay and realize true happiness as a result. Do you wish is to set you up? A small fee and personal data form is required.

  • nn

    Wow, I’ve only just started noticing your blog and you come across as a really conceited person.  So, people who are more socially awkward than you (so you say) are getting engaged and you’re not?  This ugly person (so you say) thinks she’s hot?  Maybe she’s not really “more socially awkward than you” or even “ugly” or maybe she doesn’t really “think she’s hot” and is only taking herself not so seriously?  Maybe she’s just a nicer person than you and people have fun around her because she’s not conceited?  *gasp* On the plus side, though, I think your membership in the Conceited Spinsters Club also includes a trial membership in the No-Fun League.

  • Magic Circle Jerk

    Face it, the qualities that make you a good lawyer make you a horrible mate.  Once you realize that, you should be in.
    Second, NYC is credited for over 30 dumpy lawyer chicks looking to marry. Legions of plump 35-35 jewish men, asians, and assorted other brown people with 100k+ salaries desperate for a beefy, football loving midwestern girl.

  • Anonymous

    Magic Circle Jerk is right with one caveat.  The woman must be willing to screw.