Nix the Crappy Cover Letter, Let's Talk Kickbacks

Bitter and Abused Columns, Lawyer

Dear Mr. or Ms. Namby Pamby:

You know what this is. I went through OCI and came up with bubkes. I’m now writing cover letters and attaching them to my resume. I am assuming it is then being forwarded to mid-level or long-term associates like you. Is this cover letter unique? You never know. Let’s assume it is.

I won’t waste your time going through every single one of my qualifications in the hope that one of them—say my participation in Maynard Pirsig Moot Court—makes you raise an eyebrow and say “whatever.” Not worth our time. But here’s the deal. We all know that—apart from certain things going viral and getting messy—kickbacks can be an efficient way to do business. I propose the following:

You forward my resume to the hiring partner or committee, with a note that the firm should take a close look at me. If hired, I become your bitch.

I’m not talking sex. I’m talking the following:

  • I bring you coffee each morning from your choice of establishment. If you are not into coffee, a smoothie or other daily drink, such as Red Bull or Macallan, though Macallan would be at cost and an every day whisky would not. I charge for Adderal. Also, at cost. But it is available. Other items that I will not mention by name are also in my inventory. I think, as an employed attorney, you have the discretion to know what I mean. And, yes, I am well-connected, just not connected on a personnel level. Yet.
  • If at anytime a partner comes into my office with you in tow, I will answer “Yes” to any question that starts with “Are you responsible for this?” Whatever the question. I will also answer “No” to any question that begins with “Did [Insert Your Name] know about this?” We can work out further details on a case-by-case and need-to-know basis.
  • If you need to skip out of the office anytime, I will fill in by sitting at your desk with the door closed and typing abnormally loudly on your computer or pretending to be on the phone. If anyone knocks, I will peek out and state that we are either a) in a client meeting or b) on a conference call with a magistrate judge.
  • Once per month I agree to adjust billable hours on time sheets to reflect proper assigned hours, which I am sure you understand. Five hour limit per month, strictly enforced.

My resume is attached for forwarding to the partner, subject to your agreement.

If you are a partner and have received this cover letter in error, please consider the enclosed qualifications. I hope you will agree that I will make a substantial contribution to your law firm.

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