Greetings and congratulations to those of you about to graduate from law school, especially those of you in Florida. We are writing to all law students in Florida in the hope we reach those of you who are graduating from law school with Sam E. Goldberg, aka “Mr. Law School.” Why take this extraordinary step and contact all Florida law students? Well, we want him to be your next student commencement speaker, for five solid reasons:
1Mr. Law School is not a gunner. Thus, he won’t use this opportunity once again to include a wholly misplaced but apparently hilarious (to others) comment about Footnote 3 of the Carolene Products case. In fact, we have it on solid knowledge that one gunner-nominee is planning to hand out an “advance copy” of his speech (subtitled a “fascinating romp through the history of the Corpus Juris Civilis”) so you and your parents can follow along as he peppers the speech with dozens of “ibids,” “supras,” and “infras.” You don’t deserve that. Don’t vote for that guy. You know who we are talking about.
2Mr. Law School will be unemployed, like you. Why have some “fully-employed” schmuck up on the podium all happy go lucky and blathering about the deep meaning and honor of the profession and what it means to be a lawyer, blah de blah de blah, duty duty duty. Also, though technically she is “fully employed,” here’s the truth: she will be a “law school work-study research fellow” getting paid $17 per hour—starting next February.
3Mr. Law School will videotape the speech and we will publish it here on Bitter Lawyer. Granted, the resolution will be a little fuzzy, the audio will kinda suck at times, and he may mention “chick” and “ladies” a few times. But, hey, he’s Mr. Law School! He could very well put your law school on the map, if he hasn’t done so already (duh).
4Mr. Law School typically wears a gold chain with a killer v-neck t-shirt. Totally awesome. We also understand he will not be wearing pants at graduation. As a gift, we are supplying him with appropriate cologne and some flip flops.
5He’s about to get a doctorate. You are too. How cool is that, Dr. Law School? Except that a true doctorate (i.e., PhD) apparently pays much better today than a fake doctorate (i.e., JD) did just four years ago. Go figure.
So do the right thing today and tomorrow while voting at your school is still open. Vote for Mr. Law School as your next student commencement speaker. Do it even if he is not attending your school. Thanks in advance.