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Story Time: Oppressed In The Butt By My Inclusive Holiday Coffee Cups

  Bitter Staff /   November 13, 2015 /   Endings /   2 Comments

Dr. Chuck Tingle’s ability to stay topical and relevant in a crowded field of buttsex and blowjobs never fails to amaze us. His turnaround time on this classic exploration of man-on-holiday cup sexytime is phenomenal.

Not only is Tingle’s work a profound commentary on the recent holiday cup brewhaha, the reviews are stellar: Sara calls it a “A can’t miss holiday classic!” Tiffany suggests that Tingle’s newest release should be adopted as part of Church canon.

And so, we decided it is time for another installment in our semi-regular and totally random monster erotica live blog.

Join us today, Friday the 13th of November, at 10am central to live blog this newest classic.

And don’t forget to get your own copy of Tingle’s Oppressed In The Butt By My Inclusive Holiday Coffee Cups.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:00 am

All ready to go with my newly purchased copy of Oppressed in the Butt… and a venti peppermint mocha. *rubs hands together*

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:00 am

I’m already loving this because the first paragraph is already a sexual metaphor.  Our hero says he loves Christmas because he loves buying things: “…because even though gifts are wonderful, they can’t compare to the SENSUAL pulse of a credit card swipe through a virgin machine…”

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:01 am

Then, we get that’s what the season is all about, that and Santa, the tree, and “My boy J.C.”

Joline November 13, 201510:01 am

Woah. Starting off with a bang! or a slide. Whatevers.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:01 am

OK you know what I have never found credit card swipes sensual. Just me?

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:01 am

Now see – that’s some quality set-up

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:02 am

Oh, check it…Our hero, who is still unnamed, apparently has a wife named Susan, because he spent so much time shopping the previous year that “… Susan had to take me in to the local hospital for severe dehydration and malnourishment.”

Joline November 13, 201510:02 am

No – I think it’s safe to say that is not just you Naomi.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:03 am

This year, he’s staying hydrated with eggnog, but “I’m about ready to switch to my favorite treat, Christmas blend coffee from Starbutts.”  Yes, kids, he went  there. StarBUTTS….  

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:03 am

@Naomi: but you’ll be thinking about it NOW every time you swipe, won’t you!

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:03 am

No. No I will not.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:03 am

I do love that he calls the coffee chain “Starbutts.”

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:03 am

THAT WINS EVERYTHING

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:04 am

But, our unnamed hero won’t drink the Starbutts until they roll out those fancy red cups, “complete with decorative pines, mistletoe, reindeers and even St. Nick himself.”

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:04 am

OH MY.  “It give me a rock hard erection just thinking about it.”

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:05 am

A man’s gotta have standards

Joline November 13, 201510:05 am

I am interested to know why the market demands all the mens start out with wives and are then converted by cups, vampire buses, or what not? It’s obviously a trope. But Why?

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:05 am

He won’t drink coffee unless it’s in a Christmas cup, so he’s camped outside “of my local Starbutts” on the eve of the “big red reveal.” Mmmm, I’m sensing trouble BREWING, you?

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:06 am

Joline – I think the Chuck is creating demand that none of us even knew existing

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:06 am

Apparently in the Tingle universe people, like to celebrate the “big red reveal” by dressing yup in costumes, and… whoa, wait, “stealing candy and HAILING THE DARK LORD SATAN… ” oh, “…with his heathen tradition known as Halloween.”  (I was worried there.)

Joline November 13, 201510:07 am

COPRAL – I think you need to add that to the amazon reviews. “In his latest work, Tingle makes an important metaphorical statement on the infinite possibility of the world.”

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:07 am

Really a fine outstanding X-ian man he’s starting out as. I’m predicting a moral demise…

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:07 am

Well, I mean, why not dress in costumes for your exciting annual Starbutts trip?

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:08 am

A Starbutts employee is wondering why our hero is hanging around after hours.  He tells her, “I’m just here for the cups.”  She’s all, “Excuse me?”  He explains he wants to be first in line.  She still thinks he’s crazy….

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:08 am

People really should dress in costumes more often in life.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:08 am

But he’s determined to stay the night to wait for the special cup….. (cue dramatic music!)

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:08 am

Re the employee thinking he’s crazy: right there with you, sister.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:09 am

Okay, so he’s settling in to wait the night with this thought, “I am one with the Christmas spirit, a perfect solider of holiday glee who is ready to do battle in the name of Yuletide cheer.”  (Chuck Tingle. I love you.)

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:10 am

This is seriously the best Chuck Tingle I think you’ve ever read.

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:10 am

I’m going back to THE CUP IS A METAPHOR 

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:10 am

He falls asleep, LITERALLY to sugarplums dancing in his head.  Now he’s dreaming….that he’s in the sleigh with Santa… and get this JESUS CHRIST.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:10 am

But, I feel like you don’t become one with the Christmas spirit until someone’s pants are off.

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:10 am

all those…cups…. that need to be – filled

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:10 am

and he’s just the man to do it. 

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:10 am

Oh, wait, it gets better, “…each of them is incredibly ripped and shirtless.  Nice.”

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:11 am

Hot!Jesus and Ripped!Santa tell our hero that he’s being taken to “the place where men reverse themselves.”  

Joline November 13, 201510:11 am

Sexxxy Jebus, Santa and snowflake ornamentation on holiday cups. I know this is how I always feel around Christmas time.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:11 am

That’s how I like my messiahs – ripped and shirtless.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:12 am

Sleigh ride is getting crazy and now they’re landing at Starbutts where the business is packed with people and customers are scrambling to claim decorative red cups… 

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:12 am

I’ve seen some pictures of Sexxxy Jesus. I think Ben Carson maybe has one in his house.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:12 am

SPA JESUS

Joline November 13, 201510:12 am

I do appreciate the dream sequences. I feel it gives more leeway for the homosexual, anthropomorphized cup to go right off the rails.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:13 am

Jesus and Santa just gave our hero a lanyard that’s labeled “all access.”  (OH. MY.)

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:13 am

I’m seeing Justin Timberlake as the cup, like on SNL

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:13 am

“bring it on down to Sexxxy Cup Ville”

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:13 am

Wait, I thought it was the cup that was going to get ALL ACCESS to the protagonist…?

Joline November 13, 201510:13 am

He does Naomi: http://cdn.barstoolsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/11/Screen-Shot-2015-11-11-at-3.02.53-PM.png?55d18f

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:13 am

Bring it on down to Sandwichville! (or whatever JTs gig was on there)

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:14 am

Jesus and Santa are ordering for our hero and they’ve asked for something called “reindeer milk.”  (Do I want to know??)

Joline November 13, 201510:14 am

Not the reindeers!!!!

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:15 am

When the drink arrives it’s not in the festive Starbutt’s goblet, but is “some disgusting, nightmarish trick, all of the jolly, holiday imagery has been wiped away and removed completely.”  THE HORROR.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:15 am

Let’s just keep the reindeer out of the lesbian breastfeeding werewolf murdery realm

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:15 am

Oh, what’s this red? our hero asked, the barista replies, “REINDEER BLOOD.”

Joline November 13, 201510:15 am

We are living in a post apocalyptic dystopia!

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:15 am

WHAT

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:16 am

(That’s for the “Reindeer Blood.” WHAT?)

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:16 am

In the dream Santa has now transformed into a generic snowflake and (I am not making this up), “Jesus transformed into an enormous Star of David.”  (perhaps Tingle has forgotten that Jesus was, in fact, Jewish.)

Joline November 13, 201510:16 am

Wait. Just because a cup is red on the outside doesn’t mean it’s blood on the inside. That’s not how cups work.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:17 am

Luckily, he wakes himself up from this horror.  Just in time to hear the door to the Starbutts unlock….

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:17 am

reindeer blood seems like a lot of work to go through for red cups.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:17 am

*whew*

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:17 am

It’s morning, apparently, and the barista invites him in for his Christmas blend.  And this is clearly a fantasy because she’s only charging him 2 dollars.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:18 am

Only in Chuck Tingle are the dream sequences *less* surreal and bizarre than the rest of the story.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:18 am

But, wait… the real life cup is also “a blank, matte crimson from top to bottom.”  OH NOZ!

Joline November 13, 201510:18 am

Hah! Well, he’s a manly man. He only drinks black coffee. No frufru pumpkin spice latte for Whatever this dude’s name is.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:18 am

Nooooooooooooooooooooooo

Joline November 13, 201510:19 am

The horror is real!

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:19 am

He drops the cup!  His heart is pounding.  Everything is spinning!  His knees buckle…. and he wakes up strapped to a table with a bright light shining above me.  (WURT???)

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:20 am

Yeah, I guess I can believe you can get a plain coffee for $2 at Starbucks. Except their plain coffee is gross so why would you do that?

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:20 am

Okay, he asks, “Where am I?” A nurse tells him he had a nasty fall at the Starbutts. She asks him if he remembers his name, and he realizes he has no idea.  Oh, luckily she knows.  He’s Jabua.  JABUA??

Joline November 13, 201510:21 am

I am also asking where is he?

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:21 am

JABUA?

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:21 am

He’s apparently a former preacher who spends most of the year as a YouTuber who does Starbutts Christmas cup videos.  

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:21 am

I hate to make fun of a guy’s name. But. Jabua?

Joline November 13, 201510:21 am

One day, we will interview Chuck and ask him how he comes up with these names.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:22 am

He thinks about the cup and goes into cardiac arrest.  (I have no idea what is happening in this story any more, I swear to God[s].)

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:22 am

My brain is really struggling to keep pace with the utter insanity of this

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:23 am

The nurse tells him to stop freaking out, it’s just a cup.  He’s like, NOoOOOOooo, it matters, this is Christmas and they are oppressing us!!!

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:23 am

Oh, hang on, I wonder if the name is a riff on the actual guy who actually threw a fit about the cups.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:23 am

Like this is beyond Tingle even by Tingle standards. And it’s amazing.

Joline November 13, 201510:23 am

I doubt Chuck does either. Coherent narrative is not the purpose of the book. Although, you’d think there would be more sexxxytime by now.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:23 am

Okay, and now we have a two day timeskip where he’s in the hospital under observation.  But luckily he makes a video about the evil reindeer blood cup that goes viral.

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:24 am

it’s as ludicrous as the dude who had a hissy fit about it as the first place, tbh

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:24 am

IT’S A METAPHOR!!11111

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:24 am

The real guy’s name is Joshua Feuerstein. I gotta say “Jabua” is not a good riff.

Joline November 13, 201510:24 am

Naomi – I think so, but not quite close enough to get sued for

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:24 am

Now, when he thinks about the cups, “the harder it is to refrain from touching myself, to keep from reaching down between my legs and pumping my fist across my long, hard erection.”

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:25 am

Perhaps we should steal Ali Davis’ ANTM recap Cathars to shed some light on all this.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:25 am

“The taboo nature of the cups is exotic and forbidden, seasonally naughty for a hardcore Christian like myself.”

Joline November 13, 201510:25 am

I thought they were evil reindeer blood cups. This dude has a weird relationship with objects.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:25 am

Well I suppose – if you have THAT much hatred for the evil red cups, there’s going to be a corresponding desire/taboo about it, natch.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:25 am

So hang on. Is he turned on by Christmas cups, or by red cups that aren’t Christmassy?

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:26 am

Because if it’s the latter, this must make every party that uses Solo cups super awkward and distracting.

Joline November 13, 201510:26 am

I wonder if that’s what set him off with the credit card swipe machine. The taboo nature of spending money?

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:26 am

“I wonder what it would feel like to let my cock slip into those beautiful red chalices, the warm coffee enveloping my shaft and then covering my balls in its dark, holiday roasted goodness.”

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:26 am

(says the now-lesbian, former evangelical Christian)

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:26 am

“I can just smell it now, the scent of fresh coffee beans as I get myself off with this HANDSOME beverage.”

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:26 am

Naomi – I think it’s the diabolical-osity of the cups

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:26 am

I am not a dude but … sticking my bits into hot coffee doesn’t sound fun?

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:26 am

i don’t have one of those appendages but i cannot imagine that feeling much different than a shower

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:27 am

Now there’s a knock at his door and guess who’s there, yep, it’s those “incredibly hunky cups.”

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:27 am

Well, a coffee-scented shower.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:27 am

Not that they’re red, but they’re EVIL ANTICHRISTICAL red cups

Joline November 13, 201510:27 am

I often consider the handsome nature of my beverages. Everyone does.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:27 am

“Covering my balls in its dark, holiday-scented goodness” is GOLD, though, even if it makes no goddamn sense.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:28 am

Of course, being Tingle the cups talk to him.  “We heard about your accident and wanted to come by and make sure everything was going okay.”  SUCH THOUGHTFUL CUPS.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:28 am

I’m pretty sure someone here has violated HIPAA

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:28 am

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:28 am

I’m predicting that in the end the cups TRANFORM HIM INTO A RED HOLIDAY CUP FOREVER

Joline November 13, 201510:29 am

If the cups didn’t talk, I would be beside myself with fury. It’s like when they didn’t make use of the horn in the unicorn porn book.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:29 am

omg thank you Crabby. because yes.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:29 am

Okay, super-surreal…. “I find myself glancing down at their enormous cocks, which hang down in front of them, at first wondering why these cups are nude and tun immediately remembering that cups don’t wear clothes, obviously.” OBVIOUSLY.  But they talk, AND MAKE HOSPITAL VISITS.

Joline November 13, 201510:29 am

There should be a like button for liveblogging

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:30 am

cups also don’t have cocks, i hate to break it to him

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:30 am

Even though our hero is straight he can’t help but admire, “their hulking cup wangs.”

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:30 am

If cups talked and had cocks they would probably also wear clothes. I mean, clothes are part of the social contract.

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:30 am

have we established if the cups have feet? arms? eyes? ears? they must have mouths because they’re talking

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:30 am

Even though our hero is *cough* “straight.”

Joline November 13, 201510:30 am

Hey, you gotta pick your surrealness in a Tingle Universe. Can’t get worked up about the details. And far more consistent than the Clippy incident.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:31 am

Our hero decides that he can trust these cups and admits that he’s always been turned on by “the holiday ups, not in a gay way or anything because I’m totally straight and I know that all cups are dudes.”  NO HOMO HOT CUP DUDE.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:31 am

Well, the cover illustration shows them with a face. No cocks in the cover photo, alas.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:31 am

NO HOMO.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:31 am

But you know, “this new design is so nice… so sensual… so forbidden.”

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:32 am

Finally he’s like, screw it, SO HOMO, “my homosexual attraction is too much to bear” and he drops to his knees and begs for some holiday spirit.  I KID YOU NOT.

Joline November 13, 201510:32 am

It’s good that he trusts the cups, despite their evil nature. That’s a nice holiday sentiment. Live and let live or something

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:33 am

Now we’re getting a cup gang bang. “they aggressively push their cocks into my face form every angle.”

Joline November 13, 201510:33 am

I can’t help wondering what Tingle’s holiday story would have been like if there wasn’t a cuptastrophe in the news.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:33 am

How many cups are there? 

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:34 am

Also, I’m assuming that it’s 1 cock per cup but I’m not sure why. There’s no particular reason cups couldn’t have a dozen cocks each, if we’re giving them cocks.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:34 am

Now he has “a beverage container dick in each hand…” (and I don’t know how many, but he’s alternating  “though the horny coffee vessels, moving from one to the next with incredible efficiency.”)

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:35 am

The containers are into it and overwhelmed with lust our hero goes for the blow job!  Oh, but for once he’s no expert on deep throating and actually has a gag reflex, but he’s up for trying again…

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:35 am

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:36 am

So we’re still in a hospital room, right?

Did he at least close the door?

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:36 am

And, of course, he gets it… “I do everything that I can to relax and I suddenly find myself servicing the coffee cup in an expertly performed deep throat.”

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:36 am

wow, lizzy

Joline November 13, 201510:37 am

Servicing the coffee cup. Someone needs to crossstitch that.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:37 am

He does them all, and then suddenly he wants nothing more than for “one of these handsome cups to pound my tight gay asshole as hard as he can.”

Joline November 13, 201510:37 am

He really embraced his homosexuality quickly.

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:37 am

wait i thought he was straight

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:37 am

you’re welcome, COPRAL. Etched into your synapses for the rest of the morning, if not forever.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:38 am

“Show me how gay I really am! Shove that Christmas dick up inside me right now!”  The cup is totally oppressive and say, “You mean fat HOLIDAY dick.”

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:38 am

The heart wants what it wants.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:38 am

HOLIDAY DICK.

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:38 am

“you mean fat HOLIDAY dick” OH THE OPPRESSION

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:39 am

help help i’m being oppressed

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:39 am

He’s getting holiday cup dick at both ends now and they all do him he feels “both completely used and carnally worshipped. I’m loving every second of it.”

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:39 am

Chuck Tingle’s characters get to exclaim all of the things we all wish we could

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:40 am

Oh NO.. “Two at a time?” I laugh. “Why not?  Let’s make it a double shot, boys.”  Double shot.  OMG.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:40 am

Those cups are really putting some good effort into this, I admire their work ethic.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:40 am

Is lubricant every involved in Chuck Tingle’s work?

Joline November 13, 201510:40 am

I think I will now think of this moment every time I hear the term double shot.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:40 am

The double shot for the win because now he wants them to “plaster this face with all your hot holiday loads.”

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:41 am

And that, people, is why Chuck Tingle makes the big bucks. 

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:41 am

it’s making “a double shot of my baby’s love” have new meaning

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:41 am

Okay, I just checked, and you can buy Candy Cane and Gingerbread flavored lubricant on Amazon.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:42 am

Then satisfied and happy, our hero learns the true meaning of Christmas.  “It’s not about who can spend the most money or who can get the most upset by someone saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas… no, what holiday are really about is about who can get pounded in the butt by a cup that represents not just one holiday, but EVERY HOLIDAY.”  *sniff*  SO BEAUTIFUL.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:42 am

Naomi: frankly I would have burned it all down if that wasn’t yet possible. Not because I want it, but just because it should exist.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:42 am

Last line, “It’s about having an open heart… and an open butt.”

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:43 am

Lizzy, ITA. If I can buy a Gingerbread Latte at Starbutts, people should definitely be able to buy gingerbread lube.

Joline November 13, 201510:43 am

Chuck outdid himself with his message of tolerance and holiday spirit. I mean, that makes this holiday cup gang bang profound.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:43 am

So I have to say, this wasn’t great erotica but it was genuinely pretty awesome commentary on the cups thing.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:44 am

I just feel really inspired and holiday-cheered by our protagonist’s come-around.

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:44 am

i wonder how many words this thing was

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:44 am

wait, i think amazon tells you that.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:44 am

I’m pretty sure I should tell my children about this true meaning of Christmas… 

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:44 am

It makes me think that guy who ranged on Facebook just needs a good holiday gang-bang to turn his frown upside-down.

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:44 am

You know this book is #1 in Horror Erotica

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:44 am

*ranted

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:45 am

The reviews on Amazon are priceless.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:45 am

Well, if that’s how Tingle categorized it, that makes sense; I’ve seen like a half-dozen friends linking to the book’s listing on FB.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:45 am

Of course it’s number one.  This is freaking brilliant.  From the virgin credit card swipe to the open hearts and butts of Christmas!!

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:45 am

Well – the moral of the story usually always is that uptight jerkbags generally do just need to get laid. 

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:46 am

right but in HORROR

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:46 am

It’s really not horror, though! I mean, he doesn’t get bit by a vampire cup and turn into a cup himself or anything.

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:46 am

YES that is the moral. Lizzy = genius

Joline November 13, 201510:46 am

I don’t know what makes you think this isn’t the best erotica written about anthropomorphized cups. I am genuinely curious if there is a cup fetish erotica site out there, but I am not googling that.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:46 am

I’m pretty sure Tingle is not really catering to fetishists.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:46 am

His stuff isn’t sexy enough!

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:46 am

Frankly, I am surprised all cups are dudes. They seem pretty lady like to me, being all… cup shaped.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:46 am

Right – I was really expecting that his penance would be transformation into a red cup 4-eva

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:46 am

I kind of think the artist who created this picture might be catering to fetishists, though: https://gsnow96.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/jesus_holding_man-w-hammer.jpg

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:47 am

I call that one, “Jesus Is My Top.”

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:47 am

It’s what I think about anytime there’s a hint of Sexxxxy Jesus in a story.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:48 am

Yeah, I don’t know why cups can’t be ladies. When I was a kid I thought of spoons as female and forks and knives as male and I’m pretty sure cups would’ve been female, if I’d been asked to categorize them.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:48 am

Also it’s important to stress NO HOMO before getting involved in a massive gang bang.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:49 am

drat – wanted that pic to expand in-thread, cuz it’s so homoerotic lovely

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:49 am

right Lyda – I mean you’ve got to set your boundaries.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:49 am

Sorry, I wasn’t sure how to do it! 

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:49 am

Anyway, everyone knows that if you say “no homo” then automatically you’re not gay

Joline November 13, 201510:49 am

Naomi – none of us are – it seems arbitrary when the picture happens and when it doesn’t.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:49 am

even if you are having simultaneous oral and anal sex with multiple cocks at a time

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:50 am

yeah I said that for YEARS and it obviously worked out well for me.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:50 am

Until you start screaming ‘fill my tight gay asshole” apparently.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:50 am

no, no – even then, totes no homo.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:50 am

I am grateful that hot Jesus and ripped Santa were only in the dream.  I was worried for a while there.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:51 am

I am going back and forth between relieved and disappointed.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:51 am

I mean, “Ho! HO! HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” — is that the stuff of nightmares, right there?

Joline November 13, 201510:51 am

I feel convinced that Hot Jesus and Ripped Santa may make another appearance in Tingle’s body of work.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:51 am

yeah – I mean I can suspend my disbelief only so far.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:52 am

Joline – let’s hope so!

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:52 am

So did we get to the conclu of this masterpiece?

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:52 am

Dan Savage has this long-standing rant about the sexification of Christmas and how this is a holiday about a baby and a virgin and OMFG STOP SEXING IT UP THIS IS JUST WRONG.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:52 am

Did he wake up? Leave the hospital? Bring his wife Susan home a hot cuppa?

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:52 am

He actually commissioned a song about it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Snbt4hXfmYk

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:53 am

He just fell asleep with his cups and the true meaning of Christmas.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:53 am

I think he was just suffused in the joy of the season.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:53 am

It was beautiful.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:53 am

Which is too bad because bringing his wife Susan home a hot cuppa would’ve been a terrific ending.!

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:54 am

*wipes away a tear* so beautiful.

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:54 am

i missed he had a wife.

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:54 am

*pours one out for susan*

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:54 am

(get it? “pours one out” hahahaha)

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:54 am

I think Chuck Tingle should write a followup story where someone is taken in the butt by either a dreidl, or a menorah.

Joline November 13, 201510:55 am

Naomi, I think you just commissioned Oppressed in the Butt part 2

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:55 am

HA! A dreidl would be awesome, but I want HOT!Jesus is my top!

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:55 am

or he would insert himself into each opening of the menorah

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:55 am

Although a menorah could take nine people at once! And that’s not how Tingle rolls, it’s always one dude and a bunch of object.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:55 am

well – I feel really started out on the right foot for this holiday season, y’all.

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:55 am

8 DAYS OF BUTTSEX

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:55 am

EIGHT DAYS OF BUTTSEX yes. Yes. That’s what needs to happen.

Lyda Morehouse November 13, 201510:55 am

Okay, never mind, 8 days of buttsex is so much better.

tinlizzy November 13, 201510:56 am

Chuck bless us every one.

Naomi Kritzer November 13, 201510:56 am

Merrrrrry … um, Merry Thanksgiving, everyone!

Crabby Old Punk Rock Advice Lady November 13, 201510:56 am

merry krimble

Filed Under: Endings Tagged With: Chuck Tingle, erotica, erotical live blog

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