Dr. Chuck Tingle’s ability to stay topical and relevant in a crowded field of buttsex and blowjobs never fails to amaze us. His turnaround time on this classic exploration of man-on-holiday cup sexytime is phenomenal.
Not only is Tingle’s work a profound commentary on the recent holiday cup brewhaha, the reviews are stellar: Sara calls it a “A can’t miss holiday classic!” Tiffany suggests that Tingle’s newest release should be adopted as part of Church canon.
And so, we decided it is time for another installment in our semi-regular and totally random monster erotica live blog.
Join us today, Friday the 13th of November, at 10am central to live blog this newest classic.
And don’t forget to get your own copy of Tingle’s Oppressed In The Butt By My Inclusive Holiday Coffee Cups.
All ready to go with my newly purchased copy of Oppressed in the Butt… and a venti peppermint mocha. *rubs hands together*
I’m already loving this because the first paragraph is already a sexual metaphor. Our hero says he loves Christmas because he loves buying things: “…because even though gifts are wonderful, they can’t compare to the SENSUAL pulse of a credit card swipe through a virgin machine…”
Then, we get that’s what the season is all about, that and Santa, the tree, and “My boy J.C.”
Woah. Starting off with a bang! or a slide. Whatevers.
OK you know what I have never found credit card swipes sensual. Just me?
Now see – that’s some quality set-up
Oh, check it…Our hero, who is still unnamed, apparently has a wife named Susan, because he spent so much time shopping the previous year that “… Susan had to take me in to the local hospital for severe dehydration and malnourishment.”
No – I think it’s safe to say that is not just you Naomi.
This year, he’s staying hydrated with eggnog, but “I’m about ready to switch to my favorite treat, Christmas blend coffee from Starbutts.” Yes, kids, he went there. StarBUTTS….
@Naomi: but you’ll be thinking about it NOW every time you swipe, won’t you!
No. No I will not.
I do love that he calls the coffee chain “Starbutts.”
THAT WINS EVERYTHING
But, our unnamed hero won’t drink the Starbutts until they roll out those fancy red cups, “complete with decorative pines, mistletoe, reindeers and even St. Nick himself.”
OH MY. “It give me a rock hard erection just thinking about it.”
A man’s gotta have standards
I am interested to know why the market demands all the mens start out with wives and are then converted by cups, vampire buses, or what not? It’s obviously a trope. But Why?
He won’t drink coffee unless it’s in a Christmas cup, so he’s camped outside “of my local Starbutts” on the eve of the “big red reveal.” Mmmm, I’m sensing trouble BREWING, you?
Joline – I think the Chuck is creating demand that none of us even knew existing
Apparently in the Tingle universe people, like to celebrate the “big red reveal” by dressing yup in costumes, and… whoa, wait, “stealing candy and HAILING THE DARK LORD SATAN… ” oh, “…with his heathen tradition known as Halloween.” (I was worried there.)
COPRAL – I think you need to add that to the amazon reviews. “In his latest work, Tingle makes an important metaphorical statement on the infinite possibility of the world.”
Really a fine outstanding X-ian man he’s starting out as. I’m predicting a moral demise…
Well, I mean, why not dress in costumes for your exciting annual Starbutts trip?
A Starbutts employee is wondering why our hero is hanging around after hours. He tells her, “I’m just here for the cups.” She’s all, “Excuse me?” He explains he wants to be first in line. She still thinks he’s crazy….
People really should dress in costumes more often in life.
But he’s determined to stay the night to wait for the special cup….. (cue dramatic music!)
Re the employee thinking he’s crazy: right there with you, sister.
Okay, so he’s settling in to wait the night with this thought, “I am one with the Christmas spirit, a perfect solider of holiday glee who is ready to do battle in the name of Yuletide cheer.” (Chuck Tingle. I love you.)
This is seriously the best Chuck Tingle I think you’ve ever read.
I’m going back to THE CUP IS A METAPHOR
He falls asleep, LITERALLY to sugarplums dancing in his head. Now he’s dreaming….that he’s in the sleigh with Santa… and get this JESUS CHRIST.
But, I feel like you don’t become one with the Christmas spirit until someone’s pants are off.
all those…cups…. that need to be – filled
and he’s just the man to do it.
Oh, wait, it gets better, “…each of them is incredibly ripped and shirtless. Nice.”
Hot!Jesus and Ripped!Santa tell our hero that he’s being taken to “the place where men reverse themselves.”
Sexxxy Jebus, Santa and snowflake ornamentation on holiday cups. I know this is how I always feel around Christmas time.
That’s how I like my messiahs – ripped and shirtless.
Sleigh ride is getting crazy and now they’re landing at Starbutts where the business is packed with people and customers are scrambling to claim decorative red cups…
I’ve seen some pictures of Sexxxy Jesus. I think Ben Carson maybe has one in his house.
I do appreciate the dream sequences. I feel it gives more leeway for the homosexual, anthropomorphized cup to go right off the rails.
Jesus and Santa just gave our hero a lanyard that’s labeled “all access.” (OH. MY.)
I’m seeing Justin Timberlake as the cup, like on SNL
“bring it on down to Sexxxy Cup Ville”
Wait, I thought it was the cup that was going to get ALL ACCESS to the protagonist…?
Bring it on down to Sandwichville! (or whatever JTs gig was on there)
Jesus and Santa are ordering for our hero and they’ve asked for something called “reindeer milk.” (Do I want to know??)
Not the reindeers!!!!
When the drink arrives it’s not in the festive Starbutt’s goblet, but is “some disgusting, nightmarish trick, all of the jolly, holiday imagery has been wiped away and removed completely.” THE HORROR.
Let’s just keep the reindeer out of the lesbian breastfeeding werewolf murdery realm
Oh, what’s this red? our hero asked, the barista replies, “REINDEER BLOOD.”
We are living in a post apocalyptic dystopia!
(That’s for the “Reindeer Blood.” WHAT?)
In the dream Santa has now transformed into a generic snowflake and (I am not making this up), “Jesus transformed into an enormous Star of David.” (perhaps Tingle has forgotten that Jesus was, in fact, Jewish.)
Wait. Just because a cup is red on the outside doesn’t mean it’s blood on the inside. That’s not how cups work.
Luckily, he wakes himself up from this horror. Just in time to hear the door to the Starbutts unlock….
reindeer blood seems like a lot of work to go through for red cups.
It’s morning, apparently, and the barista invites him in for his Christmas blend. And this is clearly a fantasy because she’s only charging him 2 dollars.
Only in Chuck Tingle are the dream sequences *less* surreal and bizarre than the rest of the story.
But, wait… the real life cup is also “a blank, matte crimson from top to bottom.” OH NOZ!
Hah! Well, he’s a manly man. He only drinks black coffee. No frufru pumpkin spice latte for Whatever this dude’s name is.
The horror is real!
He drops the cup! His heart is pounding. Everything is spinning! His knees buckle…. and he wakes up strapped to a table with a bright light shining above me. (WURT???)
Yeah, I guess I can believe you can get a plain coffee for $2 at Starbucks. Except their plain coffee is gross so why would you do that?
Okay, he asks, “Where am I?” A nurse tells him he had a nasty fall at the Starbutts. She asks him if he remembers his name, and he realizes he has no idea. Oh, luckily she knows. He’s Jabua. JABUA??
I am also asking where is he?
He’s apparently a former preacher who spends most of the year as a YouTuber who does Starbutts Christmas cup videos.
I hate to make fun of a guy’s name. But. Jabua?
One day, we will interview Chuck and ask him how he comes up with these names.
He thinks about the cup and goes into cardiac arrest. (I have no idea what is happening in this story any more, I swear to God[s].)
My brain is really struggling to keep pace with the utter insanity of this
The nurse tells him to stop freaking out, it’s just a cup. He’s like, NOoOOOOooo, it matters, this is Christmas and they are oppressing us!!!
Oh, hang on, I wonder if the name is a riff on the actual guy who actually threw a fit about the cups.
Like this is beyond Tingle even by Tingle standards. And it’s amazing.
I doubt Chuck does either. Coherent narrative is not the purpose of the book. Although, you’d think there would be more sexxxytime by now.
Okay, and now we have a two day timeskip where he’s in the hospital under observation. But luckily he makes a video about the evil reindeer blood cup that goes viral.
it’s as ludicrous as the dude who had a hissy fit about it as the first place, tbh
IT’S A METAPHOR!!11111
The real guy’s name is Joshua Feuerstein. I gotta say “Jabua” is not a good riff.
Naomi – I think so, but not quite close enough to get sued for
Now, when he thinks about the cups, “the harder it is to refrain from touching myself, to keep from reaching down between my legs and pumping my fist across my long, hard erection.”
Perhaps we should steal Ali Davis’ ANTM recap Cathars to shed some light on all this.
“The taboo nature of the cups is exotic and forbidden, seasonally naughty for a hardcore Christian like myself.”
I thought they were evil reindeer blood cups. This dude has a weird relationship with objects.
Well I suppose – if you have THAT much hatred for the evil red cups, there’s going to be a corresponding desire/taboo about it, natch.
So hang on. Is he turned on by Christmas cups, or by red cups that aren’t Christmassy?
Because if it’s the latter, this must make every party that uses Solo cups super awkward and distracting.
I wonder if that’s what set him off with the credit card swipe machine. The taboo nature of spending money?
“I wonder what it would feel like to let my cock slip into those beautiful red chalices, the warm coffee enveloping my shaft and then covering my balls in its dark, holiday roasted goodness.”
(says the now-lesbian, former evangelical Christian)
“I can just smell it now, the scent of fresh coffee beans as I get myself off with this HANDSOME beverage.”
Naomi – I think it’s the diabolical-osity of the cups
I am not a dude but … sticking my bits into hot coffee doesn’t sound fun?
i don’t have one of those appendages but i cannot imagine that feeling much different than a shower
Now there’s a knock at his door and guess who’s there, yep, it’s those “incredibly hunky cups.”
Well, a coffee-scented shower.
Not that they’re red, but they’re EVIL ANTICHRISTICAL red cups
I often consider the handsome nature of my beverages. Everyone does.
“Covering my balls in its dark, holiday-scented goodness” is GOLD, though, even if it makes no goddamn sense.
Of course, being Tingle the cups talk to him. “We heard about your accident and wanted to come by and make sure everything was going okay.” SUCH THOUGHTFUL CUPS.
I’m pretty sure someone here has violated HIPAA
I’m predicting that in the end the cups TRANFORM HIM INTO A RED HOLIDAY CUP FOREVER
If the cups didn’t talk, I would be beside myself with fury. It’s like when they didn’t make use of the horn in the unicorn porn book.
omg thank you Crabby. because yes.
Okay, super-surreal…. “I find myself glancing down at their enormous cocks, which hang down in front of them, at first wondering why these cups are nude and tun immediately remembering that cups don’t wear clothes, obviously.” OBVIOUSLY. But they talk, AND MAKE HOSPITAL VISITS.
There should be a like button for liveblogging
cups also don’t have cocks, i hate to break it to him
Even though our hero is straight he can’t help but admire, “their hulking cup wangs.”
If cups talked and had cocks they would probably also wear clothes. I mean, clothes are part of the social contract.
have we established if the cups have feet? arms? eyes? ears? they must have mouths because they’re talking
Even though our hero is *cough* “straight.”
Hey, you gotta pick your surrealness in a Tingle Universe. Can’t get worked up about the details. And far more consistent than the Clippy incident.
Our hero decides that he can trust these cups and admits that he’s always been turned on by “the holiday ups, not in a gay way or anything because I’m totally straight and I know that all cups are dudes.” NO HOMO HOT CUP DUDE.
Well, the cover illustration shows them with a face. No cocks in the cover photo, alas.
But you know, “this new design is so nice… so sensual… so forbidden.”
Finally he’s like, screw it, SO HOMO, “my homosexual attraction is too much to bear” and he drops to his knees and begs for some holiday spirit. I KID YOU NOT.
It’s good that he trusts the cups, despite their evil nature. That’s a nice holiday sentiment. Live and let live or something
Now we’re getting a cup gang bang. “they aggressively push their cocks into my face form every angle.”
I can’t help wondering what Tingle’s holiday story would have been like if there wasn’t a cuptastrophe in the news.
How many cups are there?
Also, I’m assuming that it’s 1 cock per cup but I’m not sure why. There’s no particular reason cups couldn’t have a dozen cocks each, if we’re giving them cocks.
Now he has “a beverage container dick in each hand…” (and I don’t know how many, but he’s alternating “though the horny coffee vessels, moving from one to the next with incredible efficiency.”)
The containers are into it and overwhelmed with lust our hero goes for the blow job! Oh, but for once he’s no expert on deep throating and actually has a gag reflex, but he’s up for trying again…
So we’re still in a hospital room, right?
Did he at least close the door?
And, of course, he gets it… “I do everything that I can to relax and I suddenly find myself servicing the coffee cup in an expertly performed deep throat.”
Servicing the coffee cup. Someone needs to crossstitch that.
He does them all, and then suddenly he wants nothing more than for “one of these handsome cups to pound my tight gay asshole as hard as he can.”
He really embraced his homosexuality quickly.
wait i thought he was straight
you’re welcome, COPRAL. Etched into your synapses for the rest of the morning, if not forever.
“Show me how gay I really am! Shove that Christmas dick up inside me right now!” The cup is totally oppressive and say, “You mean fat HOLIDAY dick.”
The heart wants what it wants.
“you mean fat HOLIDAY dick” OH THE OPPRESSION
help help i’m being oppressed
He’s getting holiday cup dick at both ends now and they all do him he feels “both completely used and carnally worshipped. I’m loving every second of it.”
Chuck Tingle’s characters get to exclaim all of the things we all wish we could
Oh NO.. “Two at a time?” I laugh. “Why not? Let’s make it a double shot, boys.” Double shot. OMG.
Those cups are really putting some good effort into this, I admire their work ethic.
Is lubricant every involved in Chuck Tingle’s work?
I think I will now think of this moment every time I hear the term double shot.
The double shot for the win because now he wants them to “plaster this face with all your hot holiday loads.”
And that, people, is why Chuck Tingle makes the big bucks.
it’s making “a double shot of my baby’s love” have new meaning
Okay, I just checked, and you can buy Candy Cane and Gingerbread flavored lubricant on Amazon.
Then satisfied and happy, our hero learns the true meaning of Christmas. “It’s not about who can spend the most money or who can get the most upset by someone saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas… no, what holiday are really about is about who can get pounded in the butt by a cup that represents not just one holiday, but EVERY HOLIDAY.” *sniff* SO BEAUTIFUL.
Naomi: frankly I would have burned it all down if that wasn’t yet possible. Not because I want it, but just because it should exist.
Last line, “It’s about having an open heart… and an open butt.”
Lizzy, ITA. If I can buy a Gingerbread Latte at Starbutts, people should definitely be able to buy gingerbread lube.
Chuck outdid himself with his message of tolerance and holiday spirit. I mean, that makes this holiday cup gang bang profound.
So I have to say, this wasn’t great erotica but it was genuinely pretty awesome commentary on the cups thing.
I just feel really inspired and holiday-cheered by our protagonist’s come-around.
i wonder how many words this thing was
wait, i think amazon tells you that.
I’m pretty sure I should tell my children about this true meaning of Christmas…
It makes me think that guy who ranged on Facebook just needs a good holiday gang-bang to turn his frown upside-down.
You know this book is #1 in Horror Erotica
The reviews on Amazon are priceless.
Well, if that’s how Tingle categorized it, that makes sense; I’ve seen like a half-dozen friends linking to the book’s listing on FB.
Of course it’s number one. This is freaking brilliant. From the virgin credit card swipe to the open hearts and butts of Christmas!!
Well – the moral of the story usually always is that uptight jerkbags generally do just need to get laid.
right but in HORROR
It’s really not horror, though! I mean, he doesn’t get bit by a vampire cup and turn into a cup himself or anything.
YES that is the moral. Lizzy = genius
I don’t know what makes you think this isn’t the best erotica written about anthropomorphized cups. I am genuinely curious if there is a cup fetish erotica site out there, but I am not googling that.
I’m pretty sure Tingle is not really catering to fetishists.
His stuff isn’t sexy enough!
Frankly, I am surprised all cups are dudes. They seem pretty lady like to me, being all… cup shaped.
Right – I was really expecting that his penance would be transformation into a red cup 4-eva
I kind of think the artist who created this picture might be catering to fetishists, though: https://gsnow96.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/jesus_holding_man-w-hammer.jpg
I call that one, “Jesus Is My Top.”
It’s what I think about anytime there’s a hint of Sexxxxy Jesus in a story.
Yeah, I don’t know why cups can’t be ladies. When I was a kid I thought of spoons as female and forks and knives as male and I’m pretty sure cups would’ve been female, if I’d been asked to categorize them.
Also it’s important to stress NO HOMO before getting involved in a massive gang bang.
drat – wanted that pic to expand in-thread, cuz it’s so homoerotic lovely
right Lyda – I mean you’ve got to set your boundaries.
Sorry, I wasn’t sure how to do it!
Anyway, everyone knows that if you say “no homo” then automatically you’re not gay
Naomi – none of us are – it seems arbitrary when the picture happens and when it doesn’t.
even if you are having simultaneous oral and anal sex with multiple cocks at a time
yeah I said that for YEARS and it obviously worked out well for me.
Until you start screaming ‘fill my tight gay asshole” apparently.
no, no – even then, totes no homo.
I am grateful that hot Jesus and ripped Santa were only in the dream. I was worried for a while there.
I am going back and forth between relieved and disappointed.
I mean, “Ho! HO! HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” — is that the stuff of nightmares, right there?
I feel convinced that Hot Jesus and Ripped Santa may make another appearance in Tingle’s body of work.
yeah – I mean I can suspend my disbelief only so far.
Joline – let’s hope so!
So did we get to the conclu of this masterpiece?
Dan Savage has this long-standing rant about the sexification of Christmas and how this is a holiday about a baby and a virgin and OMFG STOP SEXING IT UP THIS IS JUST WRONG.
Did he wake up? Leave the hospital? Bring his wife Susan home a hot cuppa?
He actually commissioned a song about it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Snbt4hXfmYk
He just fell asleep with his cups and the true meaning of Christmas.
I think he was just suffused in the joy of the season.
It was beautiful.
Which is too bad because bringing his wife Susan home a hot cuppa would’ve been a terrific ending.!
*wipes away a tear* so beautiful.
i missed he had a wife.
*pours one out for susan*
(get it? “pours one out” hahahaha)
I think Chuck Tingle should write a followup story where someone is taken in the butt by either a dreidl, or a menorah.
Naomi, I think you just commissioned Oppressed in the Butt part 2
HA! A dreidl would be awesome, but I want HOT!Jesus is my top!
or he would insert himself into each opening of the menorah
Although a menorah could take nine people at once! And that’s not how Tingle rolls, it’s always one dude and a bunch of object.
well – I feel really started out on the right foot for this holiday season, y’all.
8 DAYS OF BUTTSEX
EIGHT DAYS OF BUTTSEX yes. Yes. That’s what needs to happen.
Okay, never mind, 8 days of buttsex is so much better.
Chuck bless us every one.
Merrrrrry … um, Merry Thanksgiving, everyone!