Bieber fever struck Biebs himself, as he started to vomit while on stage at a concert in Arizona. Normally this wouldn’t be a big issue but considering anything Biebs does is instantly considered fetch, expect the new Internet craze to be people randomly vomiting while singing teenie-pop songs.
Now, let’s move on to the good stuff.
The topper: Florida police completely ruined my childhood when they arrested John Vincent Caruso after he washed his girlfriend’s mouth out with dish soap. So you are saying Ralphie from A Christmas Story was being abused when he had to chew on some Life Bouy? I know Ralphie preferred Lux and that Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor, but I wonder his thoughts on Dawn. Caruso, 26, told his girlfriend, 20-year-old Stephanie Madewell, that she should stop cursing. When she refused, he “came up behind” Madewell and squeezed the bottle of Dawn dish soap into her mouth. I’ve never had soap in my mouth but I would imagine liquid soap had completely changed the clean mouth punishment game. Far easier access and their names sound delicious. Cranberry Harvest; Sweet Cinnamon Pumpkin; Warm Apple Cider. All they need is a “Turkey and Gravy” and you would have a full Thanksgiving dinner.
Caruso told police that his parents used to put soap in his mouth. What is really strange, Caruso stated he “will still put soap in his mouth now out of respect for his parents.” Dude . . . you put soap in your own mouth? That is right below burning ants on the serial killer scale. I’m pretty sure dropping an f-bomb here and there is a better result than poison control center calls and domestic violence charges.
P.S. Over under 3 weeks until police find Caruso going on a soap bender at a Bath and Body Works.
In other news, has anyone found the US Ryder Cup team’s dignity yet? I’m pretty sure they are still missing putts in Chicago. Somebody get Cubbs on the phone because Team ‘Merica needs some practice time at the putt-putt course.