While the media seems to have decided that it is now time to light their collective hair on fire regarding the 2016 election, we’re choosing to go a different route. Denial. Straight up, no-holds-barred denial. Because the alternative is too terrifying to contemplate.
So, while all you suckers focus on 2016 Apocalypse Now! We’re moving on to the 2020 election.
(Yes, we wrote this in the throws of the 2016 absurdity, but it’s as relevant today as it was then.)
Obviously, this assumes we will have one, which, to be sure, we’re not totally confident about, but if the US doesn’t devolve into a post-apocalyptic hellscape in the next four years, we bring you our candidate recommendations:
Gordon Ramsay
Ramsay is a classic choice: bombastic, decisive, sound-bite worthy.
While he may have his own birther issues to contend with, what with being born in Scotland and raised in England and not having any connection to the US until well into his adulthood, we can’t imagine the pesky Constitution is going to really stymie the guy who single-handedly opened a bunch of restaurants. An obvious candidate.
Pros:
- Will run the Cabinet with the same iron fist as a kitchen brigade.
- Good with knives. No idea why this would be necessary, but given the probability of him assuming office in an environment not unlike that portrayed in The Walking Dead, we figure it can’t hurt.
Cons:
- Neither qualified nor eligible, for the office.